I NEED HELP with- MY 17 YEAR OLD step-DAUGHTER!

[BLUERABBIT]

My daughter has gone from A-B's to quiting school in less than 5 months. She has also become extremely sexually active, using no discretion. She has thought she was pregnant atleast 3X's. We put her in an outpatient 10 day program for mental health and that did not help, only made her angrier. She was diagnosed bipolar and will not take medications. She lived with me for 12 years and moved out of the house 3 months ago to live with her biological mother. There isn't alot of control of her at this house. She lies, and is never where she says she is going to be. She was raised middle to upper class but puts on that she is "hood". She has now shocked everyone that she thinks she is "bi-sexual" and has posted many improper pics of herself on her myspace. She has very destruction behavior and does not care much about her decisions and the effects of herself or family members. What do we do? She has now packed clothes and said she is moving in with a friend. She wants to keep partying.

IS THERE ANYONE WITH ANY ADVISE, NO ONE OUT HERE HAS HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS??? YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING? WE ARE VERY DESPERATE PARENTS THAT ARE WITNESSING A CHILD CRASH AND BURN RIGHT BEFORE OUR EYES AND IS THERE NOTHING WE CAN DO? SHE WILL BE 18 SOON, AFTER THAT OUR INSURANCE WILL NOT COVER HER, AND WE WILL HAVE LESS CONTROL OF HER THAN WE ALREADY DO...

 

[everywoman]

What you can do is the following:
Depending on what state you are in you can force her into treatment.
1. In my state this starts with a visit to probate court. You fill out the paperwork and then see the judge. You tell the court that she is a danger to herself---or others.
2. You take the order to your local law enforcement. They pick her up, take her to the hospital, and hold her for 72 hours.
3. You hope that someone there agrees with you and places her in a 7 day evaluation program.
4. You beg the doctors. there for long term treatment.

Sometimes you have to wait for them to committ a crime and get into the court system to get them help.

It is not easy to watch our children self-destruct. I am sorry for your pain. I know that it hurts. Please understand that different states work in different ways. In some states a child can leave at 17 legally. In other states its 18.

 

[BLUERABBIT]

Thank you for the step by step reply. It helps in knowing what procedures to take. She hasn't threatened herself with suicide, but her behavior has us all afraid that we will find her dead in a ditch or missing. Nothing we say to her makes a difference. When she walks out the door, there is no telling what she is going to do, or where she is going to go.

This girl has had everything handed to her and had a wonderful life, beautiful house and nice family, good school and grades, what makes a child nose dive in a matter of months? Sure there were normal teenage incidents getting into trouble, but these last couple of months have been so destructive to herself. All she can think about is sex and partying it up with who ever. Her myspace exploits it all, we find out alot of info about what she has done on it. We are very frustrated, and almost ready to give up at this point because we are raising 3 other children and we don't want it exposed to them.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there and welcome.
Hey, since it came on suddenly...is it possible she got involved with drugs? I would seriously consider it even if it never occurred to you or even if you never caught her acting "under the influence." That's often the reason for a suddenly change.

 

[Ephchap]

Hi BlueRabbit and welcome. Sorry you had to find us, as it sounds like your stepdaughter's behavior is rapidly declining.

I also wondered about drug use. That is often, though certainly not always, a huge red flag for abrupt changes in behavior and friends.

I know that forcing her into treatment may or may not work, but some of us have had success going that route. With my son, we had him evaluated at a psychiatric hospital (he thought he was just going to see a new psychiatrist and had agreed to it) and the psychiatrist agreed with us that he was a danger to himself and others because of the drugging and we were able to sign him in against his will. That was at age 14 though. Not sure it would have worked at 17.

Have you had her drug tested - randomly?
What is her reason for not wanting to take the medications for bipolar?
Is she currently still in school?
Is there a counselor there she might respond to?
Any old "good" friends that might be able to get through to her?

I'm just tossing out questions, trying to think out loud what's going through my mind.

I'm not sure there are any cut and dry answers, but my heart goes out to you. I know when our son began spiraling out of control, it just tugs at your heartstrings. It's so hard watching them self destruct.

Hopefully some others will be along that might have some other ideas. Again, welcome aboard.

Deb

 

[standswithcourage]

I agree. If she is a danger to herself andothers you can have her committed through probate court and evaluated to see what is going on. That is the only way you can stop a stubborn teenager when she is in self destruct mode. They dont listen and they dont stop. You can do something about it. Good luck Call your mental health hospital closest to you and ask them what to do.

 

[gottaloveem]

I agree with MidwestMom. I would certainly look into which drugs she may be taking. She is displaying many of the signs for drug use, in just the little bit I have read about her.

Here is a link to a pretty accurate list of the signs your teen may be using drugs:

http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6231

I would like to add that if drugs is the bottom line of her difficulties right now, there isn't much that can be done for her until she QUITS using.

 

[gottaloveem]

This girl has had everything handed to her and had a wonderful life, beautiful house and nice family, good school and grades, what makes a child nose dive in a matter of months?

We are very frustrated, and almost ready to give up at this point because we are raising 3 other children and we don't want it exposed to them.

What makes a child nose dive in a couple of months? DRUGS!

You should start thinking about the other three children you are raising,they do not need to see the chaos your step daughter causes. Until your step daughter comes home with her tail dragged between her legs, you can't help her. The quickest way to help them see the light, is to let them see the bottom. It is very hard, it requires a great deal of strength. The way I see it, tough love is the only way to help her. This would mean, no car, no license, no money, no extra anything till she can prove she wants to change.

If you can get her to cooperate like Epchap's son did, then treatment would be the best scenario. Perhaps you and your family and her better friends can stage a sort of intervention to get her to agree to treatment for drug use.

If she is talking about partying all over her myspace, I would say drug use has contributed to her recent decline in behavior. More than likely, it is more than pot.

 

[So Tired]

BlueRabbit -- I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. My son started to spiral out of control his senior year. At the begining of senior year he had a 3.4 g.p.a. and a 33 on his ACT. By the end of senior year he was just lucky to graduate. No college this first year, but he has been working. We told him he needed to either be in school or working to live here.

It sounds very drug related. Mine stopped hanging out with his friends from band and various clubs and started hanging out with kids out of high school who worked at Burger King. I started finding pot and alcohol. Mine turned 18 in the fall, so the only leverage I have is if I allow him to live here. I hope you can get you daughter some help while you still have some legal say in it. Also, make sure you seek counseling for yourself to help you deal with things.

Welcome, I hope you find comfort and support here...

 

[Mallygrl]

Hi
I have had similar issues with my daughter and I have used a couple of different avenues. I am from Washington state, and as was stated, things vary from state to state. But in Washington if they are gone for 24 hours without your permission you can call them in as a runaway, and when the police find her they can take her to juvenile detention. And then that will at least get her "in the system" where hopefully she will be put on probation and be court ordered to attend counseling and take medication. If she fails to do this she will be sent back to "juvie" The other, which is a longer more drawn out process is to contact your local juvenile court and ask them if they have a "Youth At Risk" program. This will start the same process of having her court ordered to get therapy, medication, etc. It is super hard to send your child to detention, but you may be saving her life.

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry. EVERYTHING about her behavior screams drugs to me. You may have to call ehr in as a runaway or whatever to ahve a hope of getting her drug tested.

You DO have to take everything you have given her, car, cell phone, allowance, any $$ at all, away. IF she is acting like this, then giving her anything is enabling, supporting her bad behavior. This si NOT what you want the other kids to see.

PLEASE do not let her totally disrupt the rest of the kids' lives. They need to know that you set limits, enforce them, and are there for them also.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[dirobb]

I mulled over posting, I don't want to be negative.

I am also a stepmom but my difficult child did not come to live with us until she was 14 after 2 years she is no longer with us. Her mom undermined everything we tried to accomplish. We were hopeful at first as her mom was in jail unfortunately they let her out. There was nothing we could do and difficult child repeatedly told us at 17 she was leaving. We made it to 2 1/2 months before.

But husband had enough and sent her back to her mom. We had all the lies, staying over at a friends with a permissive mom who let them do whatever.(after she was gone we found out the true extent--had we known all we would not have let her go and probably would have had her in the psychiatric hospital and filed for a some type of help...though these have not worked out for us in the past)

I don't have any answers for you. But if she is back at her biomoms there could be underlying & undermining stuff going on also. If she is not on the same page as you and husband you wont get through to difficult child.

I know it is heatbreaking to pour all of yourself in and then they just insist on sabotaging their futures. It is so hard to detach and let them live with the choices they have made. This is what we have decided. We cant change her. We cant force her to be who we want her to be.

One of the other warrior moms said it best. We have to let go of the dreams we had for them. Grieve for that. Accept her for who she is (warts and all). That does not mean to condone what she does. Just let her know you love her and keep the door open for communication. Be a safe harbor if she needs to come to you.

Sometimes I think we get caught up in trying to force them into our mold and we push them out from being able to reach out to us out of fear of disappointing us. (well maybe not all difficult child's rationalize this way...ours is trying to prove to us she will make it on her own. We have already have had a call about how they have no money. Although her mom was always telling her how much money she made while difficult child was living with us.)

We are still processing.

Again, I dont have any real answers for you. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. Your post reminded me of my daughter. I cant tell you how much I cried. Loss of her, her future, we can see the writing on the walls and it looks bleak. I truly feel for you. Sendling you big hugs.

Remember to keep your others safe and it may be for the best that they are not witnessing is first hand.