I need support (again)

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I am having a great deal of panic and pain. This is not a crisis. And nobody is at risk. Not even me. But I feel horrible. That's the issue I need help with. And I need help to decide the strongest and most compassionate way to respond to the circumstances I am in. I want to be kind to myself but at the same time not sell myself short.

I enrolled in 2 art courses, and they are triggering me.

Background: As a hobby I enroll in online courses at different universities and community colleges. Just in the last year, I have completed successfully art courses, language study such as a year of Hebrew, and I got my permaculture design certificate.

My plan to get through social isolation was to enroll in these art classes. I bought all of my books and materials which were a considerable investment. At this moment I am enrolled in 2D design and watercolor.

I have a history of trauma and sometimes I get overwhelming reactions in ways I can't anticipate. For example, more than 40 years ago I took Chemistry at night because I wanted to go to medical school. I was at the top of the class as long as the work was centered in mathematics. When the course shifted to the laboratory and solutions, I was destabilized in panic that would not resolve. Nevertheless I persevered and finished the year long course while working full time. Only much later did I let myself off the hook and changed career plan. At the time this was the right thing to do for myself.

I am uncertain why the artwork triggers me, and the watercolor painting is worse than the design. I think it has something to do with the liquids, but as I recall, when I took oil painting about 11 years ago I couldn't do it either.

M asked me: Why do you make yourself do things that are so distressing to you? I don't know the answer. It's not written that everybody needs to be an artist. I have choice here. But I did artwork enjoyably and un selfconsciously as a small child. And I also know that if I could actually come to tolerate what I feel in my body, I could have a sense of self-mastery and tranquility and self-knowledge that I lack now. I want to grow to feel more inside of myself. But this course is making me feel terror. It's triggering me. I can't relax enough to understand the demonstration videos. There is no joy. No accomplishment. Just terror. Pure terror.

This was compounded when M came over this morning to "help" me. He begins by this loud and strident rant about how the teacher's assignment was misguided and wrong, that i should work with other colors and do a different assignment than that which was required. I felt like I had entered a garbage disposal by mistake.

I fell apart. Dissolved. He left. I came to the decision that I should just drop the course. That nothing in the world is worth feeling this way. That the lesson here was not the course. The life lesson was self-compassion and allowing myself to retreat. That kindness to myself was the key. Not forcing myself to go where there felt to be self-dissolution and pain.

But I feel so, so bad for myself. About myself. So, so sad that something so simple undoes me. And yet everything in me is fighting to run away from this. I DON"T WANT TO DO THIS. And yet I cannot find the kindness in myself, the self-care that makes this okay. It's a classic double bind. There's no going ahead, and there's no retreat. I want to do something that makes me nearly scream with agony. But the thought of leaving only makes me feel despair and self-hatred.

I know what I am describing is a scene from my childhood, when there was in fact no escape. And only writing this am I able to breathe, and to see that there is no wrong answer. Because I am not a child. I am old enough to be at risk for Coronavirus. With dignity, I get to drop a class if I choose. It's not a mistake. It's not because I am a bad or limited person. It's just dropping a class if I choose. Or not.

But I still don't know what to do. Because I invested myself in the hope of doing this, and I'm having a hard time letting myself off the hook.

What do you think? Thank you very much.
 

Nandina

Member
Hi Copa,

I’m wondering, would you feel anxiety if you just picked up the paintbrushes and colors and began to paint or is it the pressure of the class and doing something “right” or correctly that is causing the anxiety?

I know a little about art and have taken some classes. I minored in graphic art in college even though I am no artist, but had lots of experience in the printing industry and thought it would all go well with my journalism degree. I felt like a fish out of water taking art classes with all these tremendously gifted art majors! Doing that can easily cause anxiety, but since you weren’t in a regular class, maybe there wasn’t the same kind of pressure. There could be pressure from within, though, depending on how confident you feel about your art skills in general. In my case, I didn’t feel confident at all. Then again, this all may be coming from some place deeper, as you have alluded to.

What I would do is not give up on painting, but perhaps just the need to take a painting class. Get out your watercolors, paper and brushes and just PLAY. Watercolor is one of the most difficult of mediums as you probably know. It is sometimes very exacting in the placement of the paint on the paper. So, don’t be exact! Get loose! Make splats, and blobs, and swirls, and colorful creations that loosen your inner child and definitely wouldn’t satisfy any teacher but would probably be very freeing to you! I have framed and hanging on my wall just one of those creations I did when I was in my twenties and it’s one of my favorite pieces! Or if getting loose in painting isn’t for you (my drawing teacher always said, “you’re not LOOSE enough!” Lol) just do whatever feels good to you with those brushes and paint.

Art is so subjective. Several art teachers I’ve had have tried to impress upon me their style of drawing or painting. This is common and often why some people decide art is not for them because the teacher’s way doesn’t feel natural.

So, I say all this in a playful way, but just have fun and throw the rules out the window! I hope that makes a difference in how you feel about painting. All the best, Copa.
 
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Overwhelmed1

Well-Known Member
Copa, Breath.... This is not something that is going to make you or break you.
It should be fun, an adventure. Don't take it so seriously. Do your best, laugh at what you are not getting. ( I'd be laughing the entire time. LOL)
Relax, you are so good at so many things, one thing you can't master is not an end all.
I want you to sit down and enjoy this class and I would love to see the painting when it is finished. I bet it is better than I could ever dream I could do.
You are amazing just taking this on. You are already a winner in my book.
I am struggling to just get out of bed.... Not your problem, my point being, you are way ahead of he curve.
Breath, relax, enjoy, have fun with it and if you get to feeling a little weary, have a nice cup of tea, meditate a bit and take control.
You have this!!!! This is you now, not the past. Don't go there.
I really want to see the painting too.

PEACE and LOVE
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I’m wondering, would you feel anxiety if you just picked up the paintbrushes and colors and began to paint or is it the pressure of the class and doing something “right”
Well. I spoke with a girlfriend on the phone for 2 hours. I feel somewhat better. I agree with both of you. Nandina. Right this minute, I can think about doing the assignment, and just detaching from the agony. Just leaving the suffering to one side, and going ahead and plowing ahead. I can imagine that. But I still don't see myself doing it now. Maybe tomorrow I can try. Thank you.
Don't take it so seriously. Do your best, laugh at what you are not getting.
OW. You're really saying the same thing. To divorce the action from all of this feeling. That I don't have to go there. That I can do the watercolor and go around the mud puddle. That it doesn't have to be the mud puddle. It can just be an activity like any other. Hypothetically I can see this.

I'm going to let myself rest and not try to do anything tonight. And give myself permission tomorrow to do whatever I want. Thank you.

You don't want to see the painting. Trust me. But that doesn't mean I can't allow myself to learn.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Well. I dropped the watercolor class. Today was the last day I could do so while receiving a refund. I felt almost no ambivalence. I am not sure why I don't feel like a quitter. But I only feel relief. Thank you for the support. I hope I have not disappointed you.
 

Deni D

Well-Known Member
Oh Copa, I'm sorry this is bothering you so much.

I trigger on things, sometimes it takes me a bit to figure out I'm actually triggering and then what it's about. A bit ago I had to start with identifying what I was actually feeling when things got weird and then took it from there. So you know you are reacting to something, from somewhere, that's good. I don't know if you've tried some thinking/feeling exercises when this happens. So if you have then just disregard what follows here. I do something along the lines of asking myself what is bothering me here? And then depending on the answer I go into other questions. Like why questions. And then what does this remind me of kind of questions. And further, what is the worst thing that can happen kind of questions, considering I am where I am right now in life and the age I am, now. And then what if this turns out different, and what if it doesn't type questions. And what are the benefits no matter what kind of questions. That kind of stuff.

On a lighter note ~ I took art classes all through high school. I have some creative talent in things I've discovered since then but nothing that was covered in those art classes. Can't draw, can't paint, can't throw clay on a wheel and so on. I took those classes because my two closest friends, my people, were very artistically inclined. I was somehow put on the "college bound" curriculum, with no chance of affording college, made no sense. My friends were not in the same curriculum, so it was the only class we could take together. I made sure we were in that same class every year. One of them went on to a full scholarship at Pratt and has been doing book illustrations and music art covers ever since. The teacher would let us bring in albums to play during the classes. I got to spend those classes with my best friends, listening to great music. I think I was the worst one in his classes, surly the worst one who stuck it out for 4 years. He would shake his head at my creations, he barely passed me every year, I think hoping some of the talent from his best students would rub off on me, never happened, lol! But I loved it and somehow put my lack of talent aside, it was not nearly as important as that time I got to spend with them. I have the best memories from high school back then in those classes. I still have a couple of my projects in my attic. When I look at them they remind me of those times, I loved those times and the feeling of being so connected with the love of my friends back then. No matter what anyone else might see looking at those projects, which I'm pretty sure would not be close to what I see, ha, I am very proud of them.

I think you should be very proud of whatever you do. It's the journey, not the destination.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I think hoping some of the talent from his best students would rub off on me, never happened, lol! But I loved it and somehow put my lack of talent aside
Thank you Deni. I just loved what you wrote. I loved that you were able to embrace the experience rather than the product.
considering I am where I am right now in life and the age I am, now.
And I love the part about current age.

What I think is going on for me is that what I am experiencing with these art assignments is totally out of synch with the reality now. Either in terms of what I want, and how vulnerable I am. I think the experience that is coming up is from the past, from a tiny or small child without control or resources, and the power for self-definition, and totally vulnerable to her parents.

But the thing is reminding myself that I am not that child any longer, and that I have real world capacities, did not help me yesterday.

What I want for the art is to be in touch with my inside, my core, my desires, my creativity, and what came up is pure terror. Which in some way is a good thing, to the extent that it is a truth of my life that I can know from my own present circumstances, and age, and therefore no longer be so vulnerable to. All of this I know, but there is no knowing that can stand up to how frightened and desperate I become.

But that doesn't mean that day by day that I can't work with it, and befriend it. Like I think Nandina and OW were suggesting. I think they think I am bigger than the fear. But when I feel it I cower and want to run.

Today was the last day to drop the course with a refund. And I leapt at the chance. I still have one other course, so I don't feel like a real, true quitter.

I think the lesson I am taking from all of this is to be gentle with myself. To give myself wiggle room. I am thinking when this coronavirus dies down (I hope) there is an art studio in my town that is centered around fun. There are no great design pretensions and no performance anxiety. I think I will go there and try to make friends like you describe Deni. Thank you very much. What a beautiful and lovely memory.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
I think the experience that is coming up is from the past, from a tiny or small child without control or resources, and the power for self-definition, and totally vulnerable to her parents.
Copa,

I don't know much about art or creativity like the ladies before me who posted, however, they do make some good points and thoughts for reflection.

So when I read your post, to me, it had nothing to do with your capabilities or incapabilities in this area. In my opinion, I think it's something else rooted deep within you that you touched upon in the quote above.

I have journaled for the last three years and came upon my first of many journals over the weekend, which I write down many thoughts or parts of books I've read that touch my soul and are worth re-reading. When I was finished reading this first journal, I was crying my eyes out because it brought me back to what I know is the root of many of my problems in life and that is that "I never feel I'm good enough". A very simple statement but it carries a lot of heavy emotional weight for me. I had loving parents and I don't want to blame them for anything but it was my perception of myself, the lack I felt, the character defects I saw in myself even as a young girls of 8 yrs. old. These wounds I have carried into my adulthood that somehow rear their ugly head and make me feel like I'm not enough. They carry into a lot of the problems I think I have had with enabling my sons. Never feeling I was or am good enough. Then I lived with an alcoholic husband for many years who was intermittently good but more often verbally abusive and then two sons who learned their father's behaviors.

That certainly reinforced the "I'm not good enough" for sure and I'm not quite sure at 57 yrs. old how I'll change that within myself because it's pretty hard and crusted into my being.

I'm a work in progress but I think it will come from my own self-talk, not comparing myself to others, finding things that satisfy me and help me to grow and nurture that little 8 yr. old girl who didn't think she was pretty enough, smart enough or nice enough for others to like her.

I'm also going to re-read the book I journaled through called "The Untethered Soul-the journey beyond yourself" by Michael A. Singer. I think I need to delve deeper to another level of healing.

Thank you for your post that helped prompt some areas in my life that I continue to need to heal from.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
finding things that satisfy me and help me to grow and nurture that little 8 yr. old girl who didn't think she was pretty enough, smart enough or nice enough for others to like her.
Thank you JayPee. I spent today sweeping my floor and cleaning my counters. It's amazing to me how much this lifts my spirits, as a clean house mirrors back to me that I'm worth it..
"The Untethered Soul-the journey beyond yourself" by Michael A. Singer
I will look for this book. Thank you very much.
 
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Deni D

Well-Known Member
Copa, no one seemed to notice my passions in life while I was growing, barley noticed me at all, too many of us in my family I think, too much otherwise chaos, lots of chaos. In comparison I think I was most likely lucky in that regard compared to you.
I have a feeling for you, maybe yours did notice what you were about but diminished your interests, like "Oh hell, she's going to be an artist and not make a living!" or "don't waste your time on that drivel" it's not correct unless you "draw within the lines" kind of stuff or pushing you to excel instead of recognizing young people go through transitions and understand those transitions are important, very important in their lives.
Or maybe from your experiences you somehow put these restrictions on yourself, like if you are not perfect you are wrong, bad, lacking.
I have a feeling the "disapproval" is coming between you and your openness to your creative side. The side you are trying to connect with, your younger, creative, more feeling side.
No matter what the cause is it seems you are not allowing yourself to play, to have fun with the things you are interested it. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder is so true in the artistic world. Take Picasso, from my view I think his artwork sucks, but most likely if he was alive today he wouldn't care about my opinion, lol, and he shouldn't. And I doubt very much he would have been impressed with my colored drawings of daffodils and tulips this spring time of year reminds of from grammar school :).
I did this thing called EMDR for something anyone from the outside would agree were traumatic experiences for any child in early childhood. The initial experiences were bad enough but I was blamed and treated "as if" I was the one responsible for those experiences for many years while I was growing up in my family, stuff I could not even understand until I was an adult, and then stuffed because it was so very hard to look at, because by then I was so long conditioned to blame myself for it. The EMDR resolved it, amazing.
It came about as I was going to therapy with someone who did this EMDR stuff,she suggested it and I was like "okay my life sucks,(considering the problems with my son), thought it would go that way for some relief, so lets try it" and the past just kind of came up, not something I even saw as an issue. I had lived with it for so long I didn't realize it was an issue until it came up in those EMDR sessions. I can't explain it other than it works and weird that it came up, like not even from me. I am at peace with it all now and am calm about it with no triggers and a quiet acceptance of the human condition with those who were involved. Those both living and who have passed long ago. And strangely it gave me more resilience in dealing with the reality of my son, more clarity of my worth and resolve not to accept the unacceptable.
From my experience with this stuff, I don't know if you can plan to get to the root of anything you actually want to address with it, just that I didn't know it was going to take me there. Didn't know it was even there. But maybe you can, maybe someone can help you to hit at that sweet spot (or more accurately sour spot) and then be able to help you release it to go onto the things that you know will give you joy.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I think that anything that causes distress in us should be dropped for an activity we enjoy. To me it's part of self love. Blessings.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Deni

What a gift to come to your post this morning. I awoke in despair and terror which I associated with needing to do the homework for this remaining art class, the one I did not (yet) drop. It is amazing to me that I found your post. Kind of like a message in a bottle that arrived from far, far away.

I think this is exactly true. Every word of it:
like if you are not perfect you are wrong, bad, lacking
I have a feeling the "disapproval" is coming between you and your openness to your creative side.
The side you are trying to connect with, your younger, creative, more feeling side.
No matter what the cause is it seems you are not allowing yourself to play, to have fun with the things you are interested it.
My motivation to do the art, one of them, is to connect to the reality of my (inner) life. And fused to that creative, child is terror and panic.

I have long known (some of) the source of this. And for me too, there was this:
The initial experiences were bad enough but I was blamed and treated "as if" I was the one responsible for those experiences
And this, too, sadly:
and then stuffed because it was so very hard to look at, because by then I was so long conditioned to blame myself for it.
What a blessing:
I am at peace with it all now
And this too:
resilience in dealing with the reality of my son, more clarity of my worth and resolve not to accept the unacceptable.
Deni. Thank you for your post. I think you have described what is my suffering, and through sharing your experience, you have given me hope that there is a way through it.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Copa

Honestly I wish I had an answer. I know what I went through with my son the good part of eight years - 8 years!! I will never get that time back.

I could barely make it through to be honest. I don't know how I could continue as long as you have UNLESS I totally detached. Not something I would want to do but I think we are all so very different the way we love and the way we just "are".

It feels like another time and place. Another life in some ways. I don't remember much of it. I blocked it out like I blocked out that my mother was an alcoholic and passed out at times and I'd be hungry and just other bad stuff from my past. I think our mind does that for us so we can be okay.

I hope and pray that you can find peace with all of the things you cannot control. If it were me, I'd pray a lot and go to therapy and be good to myself. I don't know of any other way but I certainly give you a lot of credit for your loyalty to him.

Hugs and prayers sent your way!
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
What RN said resonated with me. I know I have trauma both from my childhood and then again with my d c. Trauma is weighty and confusing and when it's compounded like that...it sure can do a "number" on a person.

I find with the current world "situation" I'm having strange issues. A bit more trauma..yet again. Memory failures...mostly. Odd moments that I feel like crying for no apparent reason.

I find concentrating intently and maybe intensely on the positives, comforting. And remembering that I do not have to do things perfectly. That a messy house, for example, is absolutely ok. I can and will get to it in due time. I wont let it go. But, I can delay and be kind to myself as this truly is a very difficult time. I can be my own best friend. It's out of my control.

I too hope and pray you can find peace and comfort...especially with these things that are out of your control. I too find being good to myself a balm. Being my own best friend. What would I say to my best friend? I try to say that to myself. You absolutely have been good to your son. You absolutely need and should be good to yourself. Remember to be good to yourself...to love yourself and to guide yourself as you would someone near and dear to your heart. Blessings.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
And remembering that I do not have to do things perfectly. That a messy house, for example, is absolutely ok. I can and will get to it in due time.
Your post is helpful Nomad. Especially this part. Looking at things this way is helping me. First, to remember that what I feel in the moment, can be confined to that moment. That it does not decide what the next minutes will be. That I do that. That I can choose. To distract myself. To soothe myself. To try in a small way, that I don't have to do every single thing 150 percent right or perfectly. Giving myself permission to be imperfect. Which is to decide that being and doing are more important than any standard or product. And that seems to loosen me up and free me up.

What I am struck with by reading your post is the element of trust. Of letting go and trusting all will be well. It's kind of a spiritual practice. Thank you Nomad.
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Copa,

Bare with me as I take a stab at this. I am going to address the terror as control. These are just my opinions, I am the LEAST creative person on the planet. What stood out to me in your post was each time you spoke of your childhood and the art, they were connected by feelings of control or lack thereof. This is going to sound weird. sorry.

I am looking at this from the standpoint that as a child, you lacked any resources to control what was happening to/around you (which is terrifying as a kid). I think through your art, you were trying to force the terror to go away by pushing through. I think the missing link was your inner child saying to you "why are you making me do this? YOU now have control-use it". I am proud of you for being a "quitter". You quit forcing yourself into a situation that you were terrified of-much like your childhood.

I know that sounds very strange, but as I was reading your post, I could CLEARLY hear your inner child begging for relief. Children don't care WHO saves them, they care that ONE person SAW them, helped them and put them first. I am very bitter about being invisible and not ONE adult noticing what was happening to me to help. Add insult to injury, I realized as an adult they DID KNOW and still didn't help for selfish reasons.

I don't know what happened in your past or who was responsible, but I can tell you now that it is your responsibility to be nice to that kid and YOU WERE and YOU DID and I am SO VERY PROUD of you. I am so happy that you retreated and gave yourself relief. I agree with Dani and the others to practice art when it gives you joy. We all get triggered by stuff that may not even be related to the actual trauma sustained. It doesn't always make sense but it doesn't have to.

I am impressed with your willingness to a a lifetime student. I learned there are only 2 things you can give away but never run out of 1)knowledge and 2) love. My analysis is only thoughts in my head, I have no education in trauma, art or anything other than business. I think we all know pain, power and control. I like you and your inner kiddo and hope you continue to nurture her. She deserves peace, as do you.

PS You would be a great writer.
Love,
JMOM
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
the terror as control.
Thank you very much JMom. At first I didn't understand this part:
the terror as control.
Now, I think I do. Let me try to explain how I'm understanding what you wrote, in light of my own experience.

I will write down a series of things I'm accepting now, as so, but I'm unclear how to link them together:

One. I believe with all my heart that the art is a way to connect to myself and to work through the past, and to own it.

With this belief and commitment to keep on doing it, is the acceptance of some limited discomfort, because one, this has been the reality of my life, and two, it's the reality to some extent for all of us.

What is different now than my experience as a child, is that I have both responsibility and control. I'm the adult, I'm the parent who can intervene to protect myself, to titrate the experience, and to remove myself as necessary. I can set the terms.

What I ended up doing was to drop the watercolor class and remain with the design class, with the sense that the watercolor class was more triggering, and that asking myself to do half of the work, would make it easier for me to bear.

Even after I dropped the watercolor class, I continued to suffer. But I think your interpretation is correct. What happened is this: While the agony continued, I was able to do as was suggested by others above. I was able to imagine holding the activity a little bit apart from the agony. Separate from myself enough to go through the motions. With this I was able to go through the motions, and to see that the activity was not the same as the agony. The other (important) thing I did was I wrote to the teacher and I told her (some of) what I was going through. I explained that while my desire to complete the class was there, that it was bringing forth to me suffering that I had tried to avoid for my whole life. I told her I was asking for nothing, and that I would try to complete the course. I recognize that what I was asking her to do was to bear witness. I was also defusing my sense of shame and blame that I might be a quitter. I was stating to her (and to myself) the obvious, that I had free choice, and I could as an adult control my circumstances.
each time you spoke of your childhood and the art, they were connected by feelings of control or lack thereof.
And what happened was that every time now that I have turned to the artwork/homework, the distress has been less. And so has the detachment that has been necessary. I gave myself permission to hold the work at a distance, at first, and then I was able to see it didn't kill me. I think it's because I gave myself control. Who knew?
as a child, you lacked any resources to control what was happening to/around you (which is terrifying as a kid).
And this is the corrective emotional experience I'm allowing right now. Thank you. I think I needed to do both. To drop the one class, and allow a retreat; and give myself emotional distance, i.e. protection and control, in order to continue. I am proud of myself that I let the teacher know. It was a risk. She could have responded with impatience, shaming or cruelty. She did none of this. At first, before I let her know what was going on, she told me (text) that she was outside painting, and told me she was having a blast, and asked had I ever done art outside.

It provoked me to remember that as a small child I used to draw and paint outside. I lived right on the ocean here in California, in the same city I think the teacher is from (San Francisco) and I was able to remember the pleasure and joy associated with drawing on the sidewalk. And with that, this is how the teacher responded: She said when she does art it's not about making a pretty picture. She brings her whole self with her. And then, she told me how grateful she was that I was transparent, and that I was in the class.

So, bringing my whole self into the present moment's experience is what I want to do. And what you're saying is so. In the past the experience is associated with not having control, and feeling terror. And what I am doing now is allowing a little bit of the terror to be present, and then doing the activity any way. And with that I am creating new neurological linkages, both with the terrifying experience of the past, and at the same time giving myself access to my deepest memories of being and self. With mastery and control. An experience of remembrance and repair. Thank you so much for understanding and giving me the words to understand, too.
I think through your art, you were trying to force the terror to go away by pushing through.
If I read this one way, as a child I was trying to use the art to escape, even dissociate. To create an alternate reality where I was safe.

I think in present day, now, when the terror came on me, I could no longer use fantasy or dissociation to escape the terror. It no longer worked. So I had to use response and reactions of an adult. My options were: drop the classes, to avoid the feeling, trying to seek help from M or somebody else, or take control of the situation, both protecting myself, and pushing through, which was the reparative response. Thank G-d. You're right, pushing through would have been submitting myself. But while I was feeling so terrible I saw no other option. I was accepting the situation based upon the definition and terms of others, not myself. As long as I tried to push, it was a repetition, not a reparative experience.
I think the missing link was your inner child saying to you "why are you making me do this? YOU now have control-use it".
Exactly this.
You quit forcing yourself into a situation that you were terrified of-much like your childhood.
And this.
I could CLEARLY hear your inner child begging for relief.
Yes. I see this now.
Children don't care WHO saves them, they care that ONE person SAW them, helped them and put them first
Yes. And when we're adults, we can be that ONE person, who sees, helps, saves and puts them first.
I can tell you now that it is your responsibility to be nice to that kid and YOU WERE and YOU DID and I am SO VERY PROUD of you.
Yes. Thank you so much for helping me understand. Thank you to everybody.
I am so happy that you retreated and gave yourself relief.
OMG. What a blessing I gave myself to post, and let you guys in. I knew that posting was the right thing to do, but was unclear why at the time. I recognized and remember that all of you ALWAYS find the words to help me give myself some peace. I knew just that. That if I opened up to your caring and wisdom, I would find a way to feel better. And I did!
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Copa,

You are so sweet and very in touch with your intuition. It is wonderful that you worked through all of this. BRAVO, keep up the good work! Do we get to see some of your work? Pretty please!
 
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