I saw my son

Helpless29

Active Member
My son called me today , asking for a copy of his birth certificate & ss card for a job he was going to start . He came rang the bell , I went outside to talk to him , he said he had no where to go tonight , he told me he was homeless & was sleeping in friends cars , sometimes would stay by a friends house but I guess no one willing to let him stay more then a day. He asked for food & socks because I guess he’s been wearing the same ones since he left , told me his feet had blisters & we’re starting to bleed , my hears sunk , I made him a sandwich & sone chips & took it outside, my husband was so MAD , he said he did not want him anywhere near are house , we got into a huge fight , I never really heard my husband scream like he did , I’m so hurt , I wanted to help my son I wish I could of let him sleep here one night , but I couldn’t , I can’t take this no more , why is god letting this happen , why ??? I can’t stop crying.I let my son use my phone , he called almost everyone to let him stay there but everyone said no. I feel angry at my husband, I know I shouldn’t , by why get some mad , I was already dealing with so much & then just to scream & fight with me about how bad my son is . I’m sorry I’m all over the place this just happened 20 mins ago & I really need this group , the only people who understand the hurt & pain I’m going through.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless

Look, helpless. the first thing to do is go lie down and cry. Shut the door and put some music on. And just try to get back to baseline inside of yourself. I know how that feels like in me, but I don't know how to explain it. Deep breathing down deep into your stomach, until it fills your chest all the way up and then slowly let the air out. All of it. Slowly. Keep doing that and you should start to feel a little bit whoozy.

I would try to stay out of husband's way for 20 minutes or so until everybody calms down.

I will just type this out as it comes. Please know how much I care and how much I understand all too well how you must feel.

The first thing is that your husband is on your side. He's been at your side through all of this. I believe his heart hurts too, it's just he holds and expresses the pain differently. I don't think he meant to yell at you. He was just beside himself with the same pain you're feeling, too. I know that inside he wanted to help your son, too. He must be just all tied up in knots.

Of course you want to offer your son shelter and protection. The thing is that your son brings trouble and risk and danger to your home and family. As long as there is the fear of gang retaliation, with young children I don't see how you can take the risk.

Although your son is still so young, he was wrong to come to the house. But my son is so much older and he seems to be unable to see either how his behavior affects me; and to be honest he seems indifferent to the consequences, too.

There is a silver lining here. Your son in his way is making baby steps. He's trying to help himself by seeking work. It seems as if he was calm.

I kind of wish your son had a phone, but there is no way to assume that he wouldn't use it to get into more trouble.

I think this is the time for you to rest. This is not your fault, Helpless. And it's not your husband's either. Your son just has a very hard head but the other side of the coin is that he is strong, strong person--a survivor--a leader--he's got a great deal of potential on the other side of this. Trust me, please. I know this. I know things.

You are okay, helpless. You will be okay. Please stay close to the board. I will check in tomorrow morning.

Love, Copa
 

stillhopeful

New Member
Dear Helpless

My heart ached for you as I read your post. Copa, as usual, has given you excellent advice. You found yourself in an impossible situation of wanting to show love to your son and yet needing to respect your husand's boundaries regarding your son. You gave your son what you could - nourishment and some loving concern. You were walking a tight rope there. While you are taking those deep breaths please remember you saw your son, he seemed ok. He will find his way tonight and he will be starting a new job tomorrow. You did the best you could and frankly what most of us would have done. Turn it over to your higher power and try to get some sleep. It is out of your hands now. Peace.

Still Hopeful
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hey, I am so sorry. That fighting is NOT fun!

Exactly for that reason, my husband, Kay's father, and I almost divorced. I don't know what your relationship with your spouse is like, but I am so glad I got help and did not get divorced over Kay. At one time it was possible. I thought he was being too rough on Kay.

We fought and he even left for a few months to think things over. We both missed one another and talked on the phone or met for coffee. Meanwhile things got even worse with Kay. Her demands ramped up...she called one then the other. She often asked if I was leaving her father. He was the tougher parent. I think she liked that she could break us up.

Then I joined Nar Anon and we both got into therapy together and I was the one who genuinely started changing....seeing things the way they were. Facing that Kay was destroying the whole family and that my husband was right not to want her home again, not to want to pay her bills again. She was 30 and we had spent a lot of our money on her and yet she was broke and even worse. And we'd be broke too if we didn't stop being her bank.

My husband is my best friend and so supportive and sweet and my daughter isn't even nice to us. I think, if you value your marriage, your husband needs to come first.

Staying with you one night would not have changed the world for your son. He knows you love him too But it did have you fighting with your husband.

Maybe next time set him up in a decent motel. Once they come back often things just get worse and they expect more.

Now your son is still young. When Kay was that young we both were trying to save her. It took ten years for me to stop. So it is still early in the game for you and I pray that your son straightens out so you don't go thru this for ten years. I don't fault you for anything you do. I just know that for me, my husband is the one who is there for me long term. Even my successful kids, while loving, have their own lives and my daughter has kids and a fiance. Rick now runs our business and we see him a lot but he is in a serious relationship too. We don't want to push them to see us all the time. We do see them lots and know they love us, but....

In the end it is ourselves and our SO. I fought with him over Kay but came to feel that he had been right all along. He saw how she was destroying the rest of us. You have other children too? These problem kids affect the other kids a lot too.

Whatever you do all of us will always support you. Sending prayers and love.
 
Hi Helpless,

When my son went upside down on drugs, I was SO mad. IT won't stay that way. I agree with Copa on this; your husband is hurting too. My advice is to approach him with love and warmth; he needs it.
We sometimes forget where our primary alliance should be and end up pushing the wrong person away. My Ex always allied herself with my son which left him insecure and unable to navigate between us. When his addiction really took off, it made it impossible for us to cooperate.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
Helpless,

I do allow my sons into my home "now", on my terms. Things are not perfect but they both have places to live and have made "some" steps forward and then some steps back. But I do recall a time (and I have it journaled) when younger son a couple years ago parked outside my home in a blizzard and called to tell me he needed to stay there because the plows kept making him move (I live on a dead end so they didn't come down so often). My heart was broken in two at the thought of him outside my door but I could NOT let him in at the time. I knew if I let him in for the night I could never bring myself to get him out and it would have been destructive to all the improvements in my life I had made. My higher power gave me the strength but it was not easy. I cried and I cried. I so wanted to let him in and make him warm and keep him safe.

So I understand your heartache. We want to shelter them, keep them warm, feed them and let them know we love them but to some degree doing that brings them right back to square one. For some of our kids, being at the bottom of the barrel is the only way they will see that they need to change. It is heart wrenching for us so please hang in there and know you're in my prayers.

With regards to your husband's anger. I just heard someone that described "anger" and they said think of of it like an iceberg. You're only seeing 10% of what it's really about. All we see is the anger being exhibited but really underneath (like and iceberg) are all the emotions making up 90% of what that anger is about...fear, sadness, hurt, pain etc.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Haven’t heard from son today ,don’t know where he is sleeping tonight . Me & my husband have not said a word to each other all day & I spent most of the day crying while my kids were at school. I just want to sleep because I’m drained emotionally.I just don’t want to talk or look at my husband, how could he have gotten so mad just because I took my son a sandwich outside & let him use my phone yesterday & to yell when I’m already going through so much . I’m just so sad & can’t stop crying, I’m crying while I’m writing this .
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Is your husband his father?

Please remember that men deal with things differently than women do. Trust me, I had the same problem with my husband and he IS her father.

Maybe counseling would help both of you find a mutual way to deal with your beloved son. It did us.

Hugs.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Is your husband his father?

Please remember that men deal with things differently than women do. Trust me, I had the same problem with my husband and he IS her father.

Maybe counseling would help both of you find a mutual way to deal with your beloved son. It did us.

Hugs.
It’s his step -dad but he pretty much raised my son since he’s was 1 years old , but dosent show no compassion for him , he says my son is a bad selfish person .
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Helpless. I'm so sorry you are suffering.

Your son is still a child, really. He is acting badly and selfishly. But this is what young people so often do. The brains of young men frequently don't mature until at least into their 30's. Your son had dug a deep hole for himself, but many, many, many teenagers do.

I think your husband is acting on pure emotion, adrenaline, confusion, and pain. And you may be too.

Remember that your husband allowed your son to come and live with the family and that he was very, very supportive. I seem to remember that he did allow him back at least one more time.

I am not blaming your son, but he has to be held responsible. If he is not held responsible, he won't learn.

I will offer you my point of view, which you've not asked for. But maybe your husband thinks as I do. Maybe it will be easier for you to hear it from me, somebody you don't know.

Helpless. I don't want you to suffer.

I can see how your husband might feel. He stuck his neck out and he feels betrayed. Maybe your husband feels permitting your son to come to the house, could have endangered the family. If he feels this way, I can see his point.

More than this, your son has violated his probation. To give him succor and support might be sending a mixed message.

I am not saying he needs to be out in the cold, suffering, and rejected. But I can understand if your husband feels he should not be in the house or near it. Not until he cleans up his act. What that means is he needs to report to the PO, and come up with a plan to make restitution.

I hope I am not being hard-hearted here. I feel help for your son needs to be conditional on his going to the PO. Unless I don't understand something--he's on the lam. He needs to do right. I am talking about his welfare, here. He needs to know he has to do the right thing. If he doesn't, he will keep doing the wrong thing.

I believe that if your son showed the beginnings of responsibility, your husband's attitude would turn around.

I wish with all my heart you weren't in this spot helpless. You did not make these circumstances for your son. This is not your fault. That your son may be hungry is painful, but at any point, he could change that, by facing the situation that he got himself in. I am so sorry.
 
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Helpless29

Active Member
Thank you, my husband has expressed once in the very beginning when this first all happened he did he feel betrayed by son ,I know I’m blaming the wrong person & everything you said is true & your advice always helps comfort me. Thank you Copa, I did tell my son to turn himself in & they would help him get treatment which the PO has said but he declined.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Thank you, my husband has expressed once in the very beginning when this first all happened he did he feel betrayed by son ,I know I’m blaming the wrong person & everything you said is true & your advice always helps comfort me. Thank you Copa, I did tell my son to turn himself in & they would help him get treatment which the PO has said but he declined. Also Copa you are correct this is the 2nd time my husband has tried helping him.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I got interrupted when I tried to post back to you before.

Look, your husband is acting like many father's who are disappointed. Women tend to be softer. My husband is done having compassion for his daughter. If asked he will say that due to our ability to pay her way out of her messes, we gave her more support in that way than most parents ever do. It's true too! He also believes truthfully that we both gave her more love than our other kids got. Plus he can't tolerate how she treats ME. To him, you respect your mother. Always. Her disrespect is not tolerable to him. He is protective of me.

I am much more lenient, much more apt to analyze her behavior and to excuse or minimize it. And I thought my husband was heartless.

But my husband was right. He was hurt by Kay, of course, but more than that he was furious at how Kay treats ME.

Do you think there is some.of that with your husband? That actually.is often a thing with men.
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Dear helpless...
Your story reminds me of my own, especially as it relates to my oldest son.
My oldest got involved with drugs around the age of 14 and by the time he was 18 he was serving time in prison for stealing 10k in computers from my husband’s employer to fund his Meth addiction.

To say my husband was angry and demanded consequences for our son is an understatement. I on the other hand I insisted on trying to save our son at every turn. I was the one driving down the road screaming out my sons name to try and find him. I also was the one who drove him to the police station to give a statement. I remember holding my sons face in my hands as we both stood crying in the police station... I told him I would write, visit and put money on his books. In effect I would be “in prison with him”.
My husband on the other hand wanted nothing to do with our son for at least a year of son’s prison time. This hurt me to my core. The whole situation did. Here was our beautiful shining star going up in flames and his father wanted nothing to do with him. It tore me apart... literally.

I did my time that year with my son in so many ways. I agonized and often had screaming crying fits and panic attacks... eventually this cost me my sanity. I ended up having a psychotic breakdown while my oldest was in prison. I had to be hospitalized for a week to ”bring me back”.

Today this son is 3 years sober. He paid his restitution and today he really is that shining star...he always had SO much potential. And...even more ironic my dear husband and this son work together in business now...and are a very successful team!

I wish I had not tried so hard to SAVE my sons...it was never up to me. This was between my sons and G-d. I am not their savior...I am their mother and my job was/is to teach them to fly on their own.

Helpless...you, like me, are helpless to save your son. This is not a battle between you and your husband. This is a battle between your son and G-d in my humble opinion. Your son CAN pay his dues, learn from his mistakes and soar one day. But please do not lose yourself or your marriage in the process.

Thinking and praying for you,
LMS
 

Helpless29

Active Member
I got interrupted when I tried to post back to you before.

Look, your husband is acting like many father's who are disappointed. Women tend to be softer. My husband is done having compassion for his daughter. If asked he will say that due to our ability to pay her way out of her messes, we gave her more support in that way than most parents ever do. It's true too! He also believes truthfully that we both gave her more love than our other kids got. Plus he can't tolerate how she treats ME. To him, you respect your mother. Always. Her disrespect is not tolerable to him. He is protective of me.

I am much more lenient, much more apt to analyze her behavior and to excuse or minimize it. And I thought my husband was heartless.

But my husband was right. He was hurt by Kay, of course, but more than that he was furious at how Kay treats ME.

Do you think there is some.of that with your husband? That actually.is often a thing with men.
Yes my husband has repeatedly said over the years , he hates how much my son continues to hurt me & make me cry , we agreed to have a long talk today about this situation & I hope we both can compromise on certain issues , my husband says he is completely done with him but he has to understand I’m not , he’s still my son .
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Me & my husband talked & it went well , I understood his concerns, he says he is willing to help him but my son needs to show , willingness to help himself . He found a faith based year program in California , that he wants to offer to my son & we would pay for his plane ticket , I called & as long as my son says he’s willing to go , they will accept him. I will offer this to my son the next time I see him, I pray he says yes , but I don’t want to get my hopes up. I’m glad my husband still shows love & willingness to help , he said he hates seeing me cry & hurt & his emotions got the best of him , he apologized & we both expressed our feelings. I wonder if my son will accept the offer .
 

Jabberwockey

Well-Known Member
So I understand your heartache. We want to shelter them, keep them warm, feed them and let them know we love them but to some degree doing that brings them right back to square one. For some of our kids, being at the bottom of the barrel is the only way they will see that they need to change. It is heart wrenching for us so please hang in there and know you're in my prayers.

With regards to your husband's anger. I just heard someone that described "anger" and they said think of of it like an iceberg. You're only seeing 10% of what it's really about. All we see is the anger being exhibited but really underneath (like and iceberg) are all the emotions making up 90% of what that anger is about...fear, sadness, hurt, pain etc.
Well said. Women tend to be nurturers and men tend to be preparers. Preparation ends, nurturing doesn't and I know how frustrating it was when our son would complain about not knowing how to do something that I had taught him over and over again. Job hunting.....there's no way to explain my frustration with our son over that. I spent six or seven years at work teaching inmates how to job hunt and tried to pass this on to our son. Yet he would still show up someplace asking for a job wearing ratty jeans and borderline offensive band tee shirts with his stupid beanie firmly over his greasy, unwashed hair sporting his white trash "beard" all the while saying "This is who I am. They need to learn to accept me as I am!" while completely ignoring our assertions that life doesn't work that way. Willful stupidity can be VERY frustrating and most people don't react well to being frustrated.

Me & my husband talked & it went well , I understood his concerns, he says he is willing to help him but my son needs to show , willingness to help himself . He found a faith based year program in California , that he wants to offer to my son & we would pay for his plane ticket , I called & as long as my son says he’s willing to go , they will accept him. I will offer this to my son the next time I see him, I pray he says yes , but I don’t want to get my hopes up. I’m glad my husband still shows love & willingness to help , he said he hates seeing me cry & hurt & his emotions got the best of him , he apologized & we both expressed our feelings. I wonder if my son will accept the offer
Speaking as a father who had been in a similar situation, it was wrong for your husband to yell at you like that but I also understand why he did it. I love my wife dearly but during the time our son was really going off the rails, she frustrated the hell out of me by constantly bailing him out. We never argued but she would make me mad enough that I had to walk away for a few hours to calm down. I don't know you, your husband, or even your full situation. I'm back for the first day after a several year break so haven't read you're whole situation yet but my son, I don't acknowledge step or half, is my wife's from a previous marriage. He was about 4 years old when we started dating. Because of that, it's difficult to step in and be an authority figure. You never know when it might be considered interfering and cause a problem. After a while you become a....secondary??...parent??? Mom has the authority and you're only the backup? Hard to describe how it felt. But it was very frustrating, and even before our son went off the rails that frustration had built up. I had outlets and my wife and I talked a lot. She had issues stemming from her previous marriage that I was aware of that helped me to understand. The main thing to remember is that you are a team. I know you want to jump to and help your son as soon as he shows up, but talk you your husband first if at all possible. Even though its not the case, feeling like a second class citizen in your own home is difficult. Your husband needs time to come to terms with this as well and one of the best things you can do is to make sure he's included in the decision making process concerning your son.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Great advice Helpless.

Please reread Jaypee's post. She was strong and it helped her sons. You can be too.

Your son has choices - he can turn himself in - yet he wants to take the easy way out. Every time you try to help it ends up making things worse in the end from what I can see. It prolongs everything including YOUR pain.

Glad that you and husband were able to sort things out. He is just being protective and that is normal.

Hugs.
 
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