I seen my son

Helpless29

Active Member
My son called and after everything I said about not having nothing to do with him, I picked up the phone. He told me how they tried shooting him yesterday, but did not give me all the details. They want the money for the lost gun. I have this app on my phone that gives me alerts of crime in the surrounding areas & yesterday i got a alert of gunshots heard a block away from his grandparents house , didnt know those gunshots were them going after my son . I got a knot in my stomach. He told me he was moving away with his new girlfriend & he contacted his PO & was waiting for a call back. He asked if he could come over & pick up some clothes he left here , I met him outside with his bag , he asked if he could come in & see his brothers but I didn’t let him. My heart was broken, I wanted to tell him I love him & as he walked away I prayed I never get a call that they killed him. His girlfriend was waiting in the car but I didn’t see or meet her . He just told me she has her own apartment, car & is s good girl. I’m at a lost for words & my heart is filled with sadness & breaking . There are so many thoughts going through my mind right now. I just want to be alone & cry
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Helpless, I don't know what to say other than I wish I could give you a big hug. I can only imagine how hard this is, but you must protect yourself and the rest of your family.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Oh, I so feel your pain. I send prayers and love. Wish I had answers and a crystal ball for BOTH of us but I just have.prayers and love.


Hoping he is not hurt on the streets. Maybe this woke.him up. How scary for all of your family!
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
That is so scary. If he calls his PO like he says won't he be arrested? I'm confused on why he is taking off. I do think he needs to be in hiding from the people he took the gun from for his safety but he is possibly putting off his legal troubles if I am correct.

Hugs and you did the right thing.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless.

I am not without concern and empathy for your son. But more so I am concerned for the girl who your son is drawing into a dangerous situation. Clearly, he is showing as little care for her, as he shows for himself, for you, or for his family.

I don't know if I would take it as a fact, that the gang is pursuing him and shooting at him. It may be so. But maybe not. That gunshot was heard near his grandparent's house is neither here nor there. You don't know if this incident involved him.

The important thing is for you to keep doing as you've been doing. Keep the authorities apprised and focusing on your life, not his. His PO is your best friend and ally now. Complete communication and transparency.

I think I would urge you to find more anger towards your son; that he continues to recruit and embroil into his chaos, more innocents. I don't see him as a victim. I see him as indifferent to how what he does affects others around him. He portrays himself as a victim when he acts deceptively, irresponsibly, and dangerously.

I recognize how painful this is, as I have gone through for many years my version of it. I don't have any advice because I can't seem to pull myself out of my son's orbit, either. I look back at these 10 years and I ask myself, what I could have done differently to not have suffered so. Forget helping my son, for sure. Which was my goal for entirely too long. That was always a disaster.

What I should have done from the beginning was focus on minimizing the cost to myself. I think there is something deep within us that doesn't allow this, at the beginning. The story of this forum is this: When you love somebody who is hellbent to live badly, through immaturity or incapacity, and insists on imposing the effects on you, what is there to be done, except detachment and distance and equanimity. And trying to find the headspace that allows this. I wish I would have run away but can you really run from your own life?

Love, Copa (I am so sorry this is so hard.)
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Dear Helpless.

I am not without concern and empathy for your son. But more so I am concerned for the girl who your son is drawing into a dangerous situation. Clearly, he is showing as little care for her, as he shows for himself, for you, or for his family.

I don't know if I would take it as a fact, that the gang is pursuing him and shooting at him. It may be so. But maybe not. That gunshot was heard near his grandparent's house is neither here nor there. You don't know if this incident involved him.

The important thing is for you to keep doing as you've been doing. Keep the authorities apprised and focusing on your life, not his. His PO is your best friend and ally now. Complete communication and transparency.

I think I would urge you to find more anger towards your son; that he continues to recruit and embroil into his chaos, more innocents. I don't see him as a victim. I see him as indifferent to how what he does affects others around him. He portrays himself as a victim when he acts deceptively, irresponsibly, and dangerously.

I recognize how painful this is, as I have gone through for many years my version of it. I don't have any advice because I can't seem to pull myself out of my son's orbit, either. I look back at these 10 years and I ask myself, what I could have done differently to not have suffered so. Forget helping my son, for sure. Which was my goal for entirely too long. That was always a disaster.

What I should have done from the beginning was focus on minimizing the cost to myself. I think there is something deep within us that doesn't allow this, at the beginning. The story of this forum is this: When you love somebody who is hellbent to live badly, through immaturity or incapacity, and insists on imposing the effects on you, what is there to be done, except detachment and distance and equanimity. And trying to find the headspace that allows this. I wish I would have run away but can you really run from your own life?

Love, Copa (I am so sorry this is so hard.)
The incident was him & he felt the need to call & tell me , my husband said he dosent understand why he felt the need to call me tell me about them trying to shoot him , when he knows how much I would worry . When I asked my son the exact details of what happened, his response was why does it matter to me , I don’t care about him . He was angry that I had distanced myself from him& haven’t picked up his calls , so he just continued to say I don’t care . Acourse his call was just about wanting some clothes I had here & when he picked them up , he called me later that night all mad saying there was stuff missing & I need to go to that women’s house he lived at & get the rest of the stuff. You are absolutely right , I need to me more angry with him & not let play the victim to me. I have contacted his PO & she said he needs to turn himself in.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
That is so scary. If he calls his PO like he says won't he be arrested? I'm confused on why he is taking off. I do think he needs to be in hiding from the people he took the gun from for his safety but he is possibly putting off his legal troubles if I am correct.

Hugs and you did the right thing
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
When I asked my son the exact details of what happened, his response was why does it matter to me , I don’t care about him . He was angry that I had distanced myself from him

he called me later that night all mad saying there was stuff missing & I need to go to that women’s house he lived
My son is nearly 15 years older and does the same thing. He is never responsible for anything. If I try to put distance between myself and the trouble he causes he accuses me of not wanting to help him, of abandoning him. He leaves his trash and makes us responsible for it. Where's my x? What happened to my y? What did you do with my z? That goes for money too. He sees money at my house and claims it is his. That he left it there.

This is all out of their playbook. Please try not to take it personally. I agree with your husband. Why is he calling to make you suffer something that he wholly caused and wholly chose, by the lifestyle that he has consistently sought? Knowing full well that you will suffer. I think that is the point. That we suffer with them.

Helpless. Let's together both of us get mad, and not suffer anymore. Okay? What do you think?
 
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Helpless29

Active Member
That is so scary. If he calls his PO like he says won't he be arrested? I'm confused on why he is taking off. I do think he needs to be in hiding from the people he took the gun from for his safety but he is possibly putting off his legal troubles if I am correct.

Hugs and you did the right thing.
He called his PO to say he lives with his girlfriend & to tell her he has a new job , but no specific addresses, he wanted to make it seem as though he is doing really good ,he’s delusional. The PO said he needs to turn himself in , they may not lock him up but put him back on house arrest 🙄,( we all know how that works out)I don’t think he will show up to court . As far as the gang looking for him , he is scared & is always looking over his shoulder, not a way to live . He is not only putting himself in danger but his grandparents as well , because they know where they live .
 

Helpless29

Active Member
My son is nearly 15 years older and does the same thing. He is never responsible for anything. If I try to put distance between myself and the trouble he causes he accuses me of not wanting to help him, of abandoning him. He leaves his trash and makes us responsible for it. Where's my x? What happened to my y? What did you do with my z? That goes for money too. He sees money at my house and claims it is his. That he left it there.

This is all out of their playbook. Please try not to take it personally. I agree with your husband. Why is he calling to make you suffer something that he wholly caused and wholly chose, by the lifestyle that he has consistently sought? Knowing full well that you will suffer. I think that is the point. That we suffer with them.

Helpless. Let's together both of us get mad, and not suffer anymore? What do you think?
Yes Copa! We have one another , sending hugs , thank you for all your support through all of this.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I agree. When I'm mad boy don't mess with me.

My son knows this. It takes me a lot but when I get to that point my family knows that I've had enough.

I was so mad at my son when he was acting out and that helped me tremendously.

How dare you!! (I'd say that to him a lot).

No regrets here.

Sometimes anger makes us stronger. It does for me anyway.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
Helpless,
What a horrible situation you are in. Your heart breaks for your son and his choices and lifestyle and he plays the victim. Its' all a vicious circle and we've all been in it to some degree.

Whether our children are running from the law or running from life we want to protect them. Somehow only we can remember the good that we think is still somewhere deep inside of them. When in fact, it may only be an illusion on our part of the reality of what really is. Nontheless, we struggle back and forth trying to surrender ourselves from the entanglement of it all. It is exhausting.

Sending hugs and prayers hoping you take care of yourself and try not to let your son be the center of your life. Put your focus on something else, even for a few minutes at a time. Most of our angst, is the acceptance of "what is" vs. "what we hoped life would be".
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
we can remember the good that we think is still somewhere deep inside of them. When in fact, it may only be an illusion
I found this sentence so very painful. I know what keeps me attached is this. The remembrance of the child my son was whose potential I believe is trapped inside his 32-year-old body. Of course, this can't be true. Of course, it's illusory.

I don't know what to do with this. To surrender the illusion is to give up part of myself, my life. To hold onto the illusion is to stay attached to someone, something who no longer exists.

I think that because we are mothers there is a biological imperative to maintain the tie. Even in the Bible how many instances are there of the fidelity of parents to a memory of a child. Mothers and fathers, too, keep the fire of memory burning for their child to return.

I am not arguing one way or another because I can see and feel the costs either way. I am only expressing how sad and difficult this is for helpless and for the rest of us.
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
I found this sentence so very painful. I know what keeps me attached is this. The remembrance of the child my son was whose potential I believe is trapped inside his 32-year-old body. Of course, this can't be true. Of course, it's illusory.

I don't know what to do with this. To surrender the illusion is to give up part of myself, my life. To hold onto the illusion is to stay attached to someone, something who no longer exists.

I think that because we are mothers there is a biological imperative to maintain the tie. Even in the Bible how many instances are there of the fidelity of parents to a memory of a child. Mothers and fathers, too, keep the fire of memory burning for their child to return.

I am not arguing one way or another because I can see and feel the costs either way. I am only expressing how sad and difficult this is for helpless and for the rest of us.
I agree @Copabanana
For my own heart and sanity I wish to detach as much as possible, but detachment will never be complete for me. I no longer enable, but I would be lying if I said my heart or mind is detached. I no longer respond to the drama, but I'm still caught up in it (in my own head) nonetheless. Sometimes I fear I will never have a day without fear or grief. I have to remind myself of how far I've come, and allow myself to hope that one day I will be at peace regardless of my son's actions.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
My son called yesterday excited he found this new high paying job, I didn’t know how to react , I just said that’s good news . I wondered how he could just forget about all his legal issues with court coming up next week, all the problems with the gangs. Well he never went this morning to the job & his grandparents were really mad & are giving him a week to find a new place to live. He called again today saying he had to come up with $500 I asked him for what , he said his new girlfriend cheated on him & he smashed her car window, shes giving him 2 days to pay it or she will press charges . How does he keep digging himself into a deeper hole??? Its one bad choice after another. I told him I cannot give him any money , the desperation in his voice was heartbreaking but I told him I cannot help. I need to stand firm on distancing myself from him which I have not done . He is dragging me back in his drama. I wish I was stronger 😞
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Oh wow.

It takes a long time to get stronger.

I remember my son's ex girlfriend came to our house and sat in her car in our driveway with a girlfriend and antagonized him until he punched her window out. Would he do that now, no, but he is in a different mindset. Not sure how it all ended but I'm sure we paid to get it fixed. He was still at home at that time and probably 16 or 17. It was just one incident of probably a hundred that dragged us down.

To this day he has a bench warrant in Illinois for electronic harassment for same girl when he was drunk. We don't know if it will show up on a job background check or not. He's four years grown from the bad way he was and his past still haunts.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
Helpless,

You know detachment doesn't need to be all at once, in fact, I think that's too heart wrenching and undoable for "us". But what I would suggest you possible do with your son is let him know "for a time being" that you need to block his text messages. Let him know you're not mad or upset but it's for your well being. This is a baby step and allows you to not have to experience emotional turmoil every time he checks in with a problem. It won't be easy at first because if you're like me, your son's life, problems and issues are almost an addiction for you to be involved in. You sit wondering would it be easier to not know what's going on vs. knowing what's going on? I think for me it was almost equal so why not give it a try? Eventually, (as was my experience) you will get better and better at not knowing what's going on and begin to feel some peace and will allow other things to take precedence in your life. For me that was the beginning of detachment.

I think of it like the alcoholic that was in my life for so long. "I" was the enabler and my intentions started out all well and good. Always, there to save the day, always there to pick up the pieces and glue the family back together but what took me years and years to realize was that if no one was there to pick up the pieces and hide all the brokenness that stems from the addicts behaviors then eventually, hopefully they will have to do something about the problem. The same goes for your son. If you are not the soft cushion for him to land on all the time then maybe just maybe he will have to start being accountable for his own actions. It may take a while for him to arrive at that destination but remember it took him a lot of years to develop this pattern of behavior in his life.

Things "can" be better for you but remember "you" need to be the change. Don't wait for you son to change to have a good life.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless

I am wondering if that high-paying new job really existed. Oh. Maybe there was an ad. But was there a commitment, a promise, somehow I doubt it. Maybe he used the idea of the job to manipulate others or himself. Who knows? It doesn't matter really. He is a big container cargo ship in the ocean. It takes many, many miles to change course let alone to turn around. His manifest actions and his MO are to be a bad boy. Just like my son. There may be blips of a good boy. But how can they change the course of a ship that is the size of 2 or 3 football fields?

RN's son is our model of what it takes: A year-long faith-based program, away from family and friends; and after that tentative searching until after two to three years, a new history is created.

That's what it takes. Oh. There are other variations of this. Prison, for example, can be the launching point for a new life. If the experience is taken in a certain way.

Helpless, your son is step by step making his situation harder and less ambiguous. He needs help--not your help--but the system's help. He needs to be locked up again.

He keeps digging himself in deeper because this is who he is now. These acts are not accidents or errors or mistakes. He is acting from who he is.

It will take time and work for him to make himself into somebody different. When he decides or accepts help to do so. Right now he doesn't want to. He only wants to be saved, to be bailed out--for his mistakes. He wants others to be responsible for the things he has either chosen or has come to by his lifestyle.

Helpless. I understand the grief and fear. I live it too. I think the only response to him if he calls right now is for him to directly confront the legal consequences and the reality that he has acted in such a way that all doors are closed to him, except for him to accept the consequences of his lifestyle.

I think the PO would help him, either by taking him back into custody or helping to find a living situation where he can stabilize. Maybe the court would allow him to go to Job Corps as an alternative to incarceration. We are probably very close to their opening again to new people. I hope.

Helpless. I am so sorry this is so hard.

Love, Copa
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless, so very sorry. I think both drug use and mental illness (untreated) are parts of why these particular kids keep digging holes. I also wonder if the job your son told you about existed. Kay can make up the best stories usually followed by asking for money. It was very hard to say no to money. I would think "Maybe if I help just one more time...."

For us it had been ten years paying for Kay AND her husband (he benefited of course). But they had Jaden too...it was hard to say no when he was with them.

Do what your heart tells you. Nobody here knows what to do...not even always what WE should do with our own kids. In the end, we need to learn how to live a good life even while our troubled kids don't. Quite a trick but it can happen.

I never dreamed I could raise a homeless child. I had all sorts of hopes and dreams for her. One.of them was that no matter what we would always be close. Right? That doesn't include her friends, her college degree, her job....etc.

Sending prayers and much love.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Son still adding to his criminal behavior, got a call from my daughter, my son has stolen his grandparents car , police report was made , I don’t even have words at this moment.
 
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