I slipped up again

[Triedntrue]

My son got out of jail a couple months ago and at first i did very well. The only thing i gave him was a ride to court in an uber. No rides. I have not given him money. Then i caved because my grandaughter wanted to see him and i agreed to take her to the theater and pick her up. He manipulated that into going somewhere else and i ended up spending most of day carting them around. Then it was more ubers then he wanted a bike to save money on ubers. My husband and i thought that might be a good idea so we went out and found a cheap used one. Told him we had it and he starts harrassing us taking too long to get there not answering him immediately. Not picking up when he calls we only accept texts. Then i get in a text yell and finally answer the phone both of us yelling. Left off the bike and although i had told him i didn't want to hear from him for at least a few days he texts everything that is wrong with the bike that we didnt notice. Wants to exchange it but we bought it used so we couldn't. I personally think he exagerated the problems. Kicking gift horse in mouth. He also wants help with legal fees . we had promised his lawyer we would pay for an evaluation and it has been so long i thought he forgot. That was brought up again. I am thinking about writing a letter to him and setting better boundaries but it will probably just set him off. He is working but not making enough to live on as far as i can tell. I am angry with myself for caving in again.

 

[Pink Elephant]

Flesh and blood makes for a strong bond that's hard to break.

Hugs to you, Tired mama.

 

[Tired out]

DO not beat yourself up. You just want to hope he is growing up . My son is also the master of manipulation. It is so easy for my hubby (his dad) to say "NO, he's a jerk" but for me... he's still my kid, even at 21, I still want him to find his way in the world and be happy. I don't even know if he is consciously manipulating me or just wants my attention. I understand your angst. Give yourself a hug from me. I get it.

 

[Littleboylost]

Kicking a gift horse is right...straight down the rabbit hole. Everything is familiar and nothing is the same.

How can you possibly beat yourself up. You did what you did our If kindness. A cleans sn sober person would accept what you have done with gratitude. So you have discovered he is not there yet. And that throws a sledge hammer to the gutt doesn’t it?

We are manipulated because we love. I am going to copy a post from a FB support group I belong to it gave me strength tonight.

 

[Albatross]

Don't beat yourself up, Tired Mama. Every one of us has "caved" when we swore we wouldn't, multiple times. Your intentions were good; you were helping your granddaughter see her father. Your son is the one who turned your good intentions against you.

I'm still amazed at how manipulative and ungrateful our difficult children can be. Gift horse indeed. I don't blame you for being angry at him, but don't turn that on yourself. As LBL said, now you know. He's not ready.

It's always so tempting to cut ties entirely, or to write *THE* letter that's going to finally shore up our defenses for good. We can't help but crave certainty when we're caught up in their day-to-day drama.

It's been my experience that those letters may have made me feel better temporarily, but my son probably didn't even bother to read them, must less respect them. Other moms on the forum suggested I write down bland, non-confrontational responses to my son's nastiness that still allowed me to keep my boundaries intact, then stick to the script. I kept a copy next to the phone and another in my purse. If he continued attacking, I blocked him for a few days.

 

[Deni D]

I’m sorry he did this to you tired momma. I wouldn’t consider it much of a slip up. It seems like he took the little bit you offered to do for him and used it to “get back” at you because you are not rescuing him as he probably thinks he’s entitled to. With a grandchild in the mix it must make it so much more difficult to deal with his attitude and manipulations.

I sent my son an email after his birthday dinner rudeness. I told him I didn’t want to speak with him for a while, left it open a to what that while will be. And I told him he could text me if he wanted to. Told him if he likes his life the way it is then good, but if he would like it to be different then he should start by going back on medication, and not drinking or drugging for a least a month to see what he thinks. Told him it’s his roller coaster, not mine.

I hope you quickly get back to a place of peace and don’t let this last bit upset you for long. It doesn’t do us any good other than to remind us to keep to our boundaries. And once we get that reminder that’s about all we need to take away from it.

 

[Triedntrue]

Thank you all for your kind responses. It is good to know i am not the only one who slips up.i was just considering whether i shoul cut him off completely or not. I want him to just grow up and stop being dependent on me. It crushed me when i became an empty nester with my other two both younger both self reliant. I just want him to become the same. I guess i am asking for too much.

 

[Tanya M]

You did what you did to try and help him. You did what you did out of love and hope. Nothing wrong with that.
What is it with these difficult adult kids having the attitude of "it's never good enough"
I too have been down this road. Once when my son managed to get an apt. I sent several boxes filled with household items for the kitchen and bathroom. His response, "I'd rather have a mattress"
Another time, my husband and I bought a foreclosed house for him to live in. We renovated it and it's really nice but ungrateful son didn't want to live there rent free mind you, while we were renovating it.
I have learned the hard way that no matter what I give my son it will never be good enough and he won't respect it. I think the only way my son and many like him will ever value anything is if they have to earn it themselves.

Other moms on the forum suggested I write down bland, non-confrontational responses to my son's nastiness that still allowed me to keep my boundaries intact, then stick to the script. I kept a copy next to the phone and another in my purse.

I also did this and it helped so much. Keeping responses simple helps to not get drawn into an argument.
One thing I would repeat over and over when my son would go on one of rants was "Sorry you feel that way"
I prefer to communicate with my son via text or private message on FB.

Don't be hard on yourself. Use this as a learning experience.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Ahhh this sounds so familiar. The classic case of "give them an inch and they'll take a mile." It's a reminder that even when we help in seemingly small and even appropriate ways, it can come back to bite us because in their mind, we've opened a door to ask for more. I once set up an Uber account for Oldest, for the sole purpose of rides to doctor appts, but kept finding Uber Eats charges on my account (not to mention multiple ER visits for pain medications). Then I found out she could get free rides to appts. from Medicaid if she just set them up ahead of time, so I gave her two weeks to set that up and pulled my credit card off the account.

That doesn't mean that we can't help occasionally, it just means that when we DO choose to help (emphasis on "choose"), we need to decide ahead of time what we will and won't do, and stick to that.

Definitely a learning experience. Lots of us have been there!

 

[Acacia]

tired mama, you’ve gotten great feedback. Be gentle and kind with yourself because you certainly won’t get that from your son.

I understand the pull between wanting to help and wanting to totally cut off contact. I am very close to my breaking point with my son, but have not found the strength to totally cut off contact. I do know that no matter what I do, he always wants more, an inch always becomes a mile with only momentary gratitude.

We have our own patterns and journeys, and it’s a mother’s nature to want to help her children. But our children are no longer children.
my 32-year-old son also got out of jail two months ago and is homeless despite all the help I’ve given him. He texted to tell me he got heatstroke and begged to come to the house to recuperate. I had to say no, I’m at hard.

It’s understandable that you slip and admirable that you keep learning and growing.

 

[Triedntrue]

I so appreciate your replies and encouragement. Thank you.