I surrender!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by KC but no sunshine band, Oct 12, 2007.

  1. Good day everyone,

    I just wanted to say thank you to those of you who replied to my post yesterday. If I sounded like a raving lunatic, I apologize. That is not usually my nature. But then again, it isn't everyday that a mom suddenly realizes that her difficult child is tearing apart her career and marriage. After a sea of tears yesterday and a good night's sleep, the world is a much calmer place today. As for my wonderful difficult child, we go see the psychiatric doctor on Monday for some intervention. I have surrendered. It is time to seek further professional help. This saddens my heart but it needs to be done. Can anyone tell me how they have made out with this kind of scenario? Is there someone out there that has put their child in care? (Group home or such) I have heard of some situations where the difficult child still comes home to visit on weekends and holidays. Does the parent still have full parental rights with the difficult child? How do these kids fare over time in the home? Is there a chance that after a period of time the difficult child's behaviours settle down from the professional help they are receiving? Do these kids get to move back home eventually? These are questions I plan on addressing with his p-doctor but if anyone else has some input, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you for listening and I hope you all have a wonderful Friday.
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    there are many parents here who have had to admit their children to the hospital, put their children in foster care, sent their children to rtcs, group homes, and egbs. You don't give up any parental rights unless you surrender them or the state takes them away.

    I suggest you speak with difficult child's psychiatrist alone first to go over all the options. No one here can give you a pat answer as far as whether any of these scenarios (sending your child somewhere) will help your child. All of our children are so very different and react to drugs, treatment, admittance, therapy, etc., so differently. Some of been helped, some stay the same, and others worsen over time.

    If you trust this psychiatrist, he/she should be able to give you some options. A really good gauge is your gut. Listen to it. Then ask yourself if the motivation for this change is for the immediate and future benefit of your difficult child. Do you honestly feel that this could or will make a positive impact on difficult child. A mother's heart and gut - when accompanied by a level head - don't usually lead her astray.

  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I am going to warn you away from foster care. THAT is somewhere I wouldn't want to go. Not only will you probably feel like you lost control of your child (no matter what they tell you in advance), but the foster parents won't know any more about raising your child than you. There is no advanced or particular training for foster parents, and many think they are diagnosticians. And you will probably be judged harshly. As a former foster parent who didn't get the training I was promised (and I wasn't alone), I saw all this first hand. You're taking a chance.
    An Residential Treatment Center (RTC) probably won't cure your child, but it's a place for him and you to have space from each other.
    Others will come along, but I had to put in my opinion of foster care. It isn't that easy to get your child back either in my opinion.
  4. neednewtechnique

    neednewtechnique New Member

    I agree that the foster care thing is a NOT GOOD IDEA. I could tell, even before our difficult child came to live with us, that when her bio mom first went to jail and she was living with close family that things may have been sensitive, but were "okay". Then when the family thing didn't work out, she went to her first REAL "foster home" because we weren't quite prepared to take her in yet, and she was desperately trying to give bio mom "one last chance" to straighten things out before such a permanent arrangement was made. It was IN foster care that our difficult child took a turn for the worse. She was unfortunate in that she did not get one of the "good ones". Her foster mother was a bit psychotic, and used to tell her HORRIBLE things about her bio mom and about her father, and used to force our difficult child to call HER mom, and would only let her refer to bio mom by her "real name". She used to cause a scene about EVER LITTLE THING that went wrong, and on top of all that, when difficult child started having behavior problems, she refused to seek any help for her, she didn't tell anyone what was going on because she didn't want to look bad.

    So in my opinion, foster care made things worse for our difficult child, NOT BETTER.
  5. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member

    I'm reading your profile. Has he been evaluation'ed for Asperger's. If not and psychiatric is concerned then that should be a priority, for now. If he's on the spectrum, then a whole host of opportunities become available to him for treatment.

    As far as foster care, hold off. Use that as a last resort. There have been a few moms here that tried that and regretted it later. It is very hard to get them back. You have very little, if any control over them and generally they are bounced around from home to home.

    Glad you've calmed down some. We've all been there. There are just days that things become so overwhelming that we all just need to vent, break down, freak or have a meltdown ourselves. It's perfectly normal.
  6. KateM

    KateM Member

    Just wanted to add my welcome to our little corner of Cyber World!

    It's wonderful what a night of sleep will do to retore some sense of balance and perspective.

    I don't have experience with out of home placements, but wanted you to know that I have a son with Aspergers who has been a challenge.Medication and therapy have helped tremendously! The right school environment has been a big part of keeping the stress down and thus alliviating anxiety-driven behaviors.

    A full evaluation and then good treatment plan may go a long way in getting a handle on your son's behavior. Good luck and keep us posted!
  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Don't consider getting help a surrender. Would you feel that way if your son had out-of-control diabetes? Of course not. You would fight tooth and nail to get him every intervention possible up to and including daily insulin shots. The same is true of a child with a mental illness. You fight, you hope something works and you keep on going and fighting.

    I'm glad today is looking a little better. As I'm sure you know, there are many ups and downs and, sadly, with puberty there seem to be more downs than ups with our special kids. Don't give up all hope though. They do grow up -- it just seems to take them a bit longer than other kids.

    Hang in there. You've found a great group here.