If there is a hope?

AngelaS

New Member
Now he has no housing, no car, no cell phone, and no job! This tragedy tears my heart to pieces😥💔 I don't even know where he is and how he will survive! Police started investigation. I rented an apartment for him and gave him my car. I don't know what to expect now and I don't know if I ever see him! I can't breathe from this unbearable pain that has bent me to the ground and brought me to my knees!

I don’t know how to survive this grief💔🙏😥 I need help and hope!
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi. I noticed you did not get a response so I will do my best. I am sorry you are dealing with this. It is hard!

Unfortunately there is no answer to your question. None of us control anyone else no matter how hard we try or how much we love the person. As you found out, even providing shelter and other help does not make them grateful or willing to get go for treatment. We did that too. My daughter is still out there way on the other side of the country. Some people eventually decide to get better. That is up to your son. Only he can do it. Or mot.

The one person we can control is ourselves. We can get the help that WE need (and we do need help) and start doing the hard work we need to do in order to learn to live a sane life, even though our adult child is off the rails. Most of us are working hard to detach with love from the chaos. Some of us have therapists and some go to 12 STEP meetings for codependency or they attend Families Anonymous. YOU can join a 12 step group that meets on a Zoom. I do that. Look online for information. The solution for most of us is to learn these self help skills. I went to therapy and to online NarAnon because my daughter uses drugs. They saved my marriage for sure and maybe my life. No exaggeration.

in my opinion this is too hard to do alone and I never heard of any parent being able to save a grown child by doing everything for him/her. That makes them feel helpless.

If your son is a danger to himself or others then and only then can and should you call the police so that they can take him to ER. There he may or may not be detained for a few days. Other than that, your 24/7 worry won't help him at all and may impact your own health. And you are important. You matter.

I hope this helped a little. We all get it...we were all there at one time.

Hugs and prayers!!
 

AngelaS

New Member
Hi. I noticed you did not get a response so I will do my best. I am sorry you are dealing with this. It is hard!

Unfortunately there is no answer to your question. None of us control anyone else no matter how hard we try or how much we love the person. As you found out, even providing shelter and other help does not make them grateful or willing to get go for treatment. We did that too. My daughter is still out there way on the other side of the country. Some people eventually decide to get better. That is up to your son. Only he can do it. Or mot.

The one person we can control is ourselves. We can get the help that WE need (and we do need help) and start doing the hard work we need to do in order to learn to live a sane life, even though our adult child is off the rails. Most of us are working hard to detach with love from the chaos. Some of us have therapists and some go to 12 STEP meetings for codependency or they attend Families Anonymous. YOU can join a 12 step group that meets on a Zoom. I do that. Look online for information. The solution for most of us is to learn these self help skills. I went to therapy and to online NarAnon because my daughter uses drugs. They saved my marriage for sure and maybe my life. No exaggeration.

in my opinion this is too hard to do alone and I never heard of any parent being able to save a grown child by doing everything for him/her. That makes them feel helpless.

If your son is a danger to himself or others then and only then can and should you call the police so that they can take him to ER. There he may or may not be detained for a few days. Other than that, your 24/7 worry won't help him at all and may impact your own health. And you are important. You matter.

I hope this helped a little. We all get it...we were all there at one time.

Hugs and prayers!!
Thank you so much! It helps at least to talk to someone who knows this unbearable pain and grief for a living child! I can't stop crying; I can't breathe and eat from the pain😥It helps to know that I am not alone! God bless you for responding! 🙏
 

Nandina

Member
Hi Angela, and welcome.

I am so sorry for your pain. We all belong to one of those clubs that no one wants to be a member of. It is hard, it hurts like h*ll, and as you say, it brings you to your knees.

But you can survive it. Many of us have been successful at detaching from loved ones who cause us so much pain.

I’m not saying I personally am always successful at detaching, but I realize that I can’t let my son’s drug abuse, irresponsible behaviors and total disregard for anything we do for him dominate my life.

We can’t continue to let our adult childrens’ drug use and irresponsible behavior bring us down and keep us in a continuous state of anxiety and hurt. So I, like many others here, have my moments of pain but I make sure to let it pass.

If you cannot let it pass, then in my opinion you need some additional support to help you get through it. This forum is one such place, but if you are seriously depressed, I hope you’ll also seek counseling through a therapist or other professional.

I would also take Busy’s advice, above, and get into a supportive group of your choice. It does help so much to be among those who really ”get it.”

As someone who has felt the most horrible depths of pain over my son and his homelessness and drug use, my advice to you is to try very hard not to let your son’s behavior control you and your emotions. You will not be able to change him no matter what you do or say, and chances are he won’t appreciate any of the loving things you have done for him. So I wouldn’t waste anymore money paying for apartments or cars.

We have all been there, some just longer than others. Read others’ stories here—some people nearly spent their life savings trying to “help” their children. Please don’t make that mistake.

I know it’s hard, but I hope you will find something that you enjoy or that brings you peace and will try to do it, whether it’s taking a walk, planting flowers (my fave), reading the Bible or other spiritual teachings — whatever you enjoy. Find moments where you don’t have to think about him. And don’t feel guilty for having them. You need to separate yourself from him.

I wish you peace and send hugs. Keep posting and reading. It really helps.
 

Deni D

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.
Angela, I have been where you are so I know right now you just cannot breath. I remember the days of when my son showed me nothing I did made a difference. I remember trying to hold myself together when I just could not, crazily journaling the same confused, what if, what maybe I could have done, what difference it could have made, gibberish over an over to myself. I was spinning my wheels, just spinning and lost myself.

Busy and Nandina have given you great advice. Please reach out and find some peace for yourself. Counseling, no matter how you might feel you are in a place where you should be able to handle this, no, it's a situation as difficult as I have ever been in, and I have been in other very difficult situations. As Nandina has said, anything that will give you a moments peace, to detach from the emotions you are feeling right now, to ground yourself, will be very helpful. For me I found just going outside in my bare feet, in the middle of the night to feel, smell and see nature has a grounding effect on me. Until this day I still do it, since I tripped upon it many years ago.

Busy still lives with her daughter out there somewhere, she is a real warrior. My son, when he was not in contact with me for years during what (I hope) were his worst days, was still in my orbit from contact with other people. Regardless, something we all have to deal with at some point is learning how to disconnect and accept our lack of of control no matter how well intentioned we are towards our beloved children.

There is hope, for you hope in what you do for yourself, for you, not to change his protectory. And there is hope for him, in what he does for himself, what he accepts for himself going forward.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
I feel your pain I came on here when my son was only 15 teen , now he is 19 teen years old , there was a point in his life when he was eating out of garbage cans , homeless but still refused help . I cried , I screamed , I was mad at god , I was hurting so much . No one could stop the pain, it was the feeling like I lost my son. He finally accepted help we flew him to another state to get help & he was sober for 5 months , I was the happiest I could be! But here I am again , he relapsed & is far away , I have no idea what he’s doing or how deep he’s gotten back into drugs. You are not alone , I know your pain all so well . There are so many here that will give you great advice ,just keep posting . I’m so sorry you are going through this , I wish I could give better advice but I just wanted to say your not alone.
 

Newksm

New Member
. He finally accepted help we flew him to another state to get help & he was sober for 5 months , I was the happiest I could be! But here I am again , he relapsed & is far away , I have no idea what he’s doing or how deep he’s gotten back into drugs. You are not alone ,
I am so sorry, Helpless...

NewKSM
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
he has no housing, no car, no cell phone, and no job!
Well, Angela, we are twins! I am in the same boat and have been for many years. My son wafts into my small city and out again, to a big metro a couple of hours north of here. NOTHING. I mean NOTHING I have done has changed the trajectory of his life one iota. Including buying a house for him! Those here on this site witnessed all of this. My misguided attempts to control him, control contingencies, withhold support, give it, EVERYTHING and NOTHING helped change him or the way he lives. It only served to deplete me of my core, my energy, my will to live, my peace, and any other thing required to live well, or peaceably.

My nadir was the day I came here. I proposed what I thought was a good idea: I would enroll with him in community college classes. And that way I would observe and control if he went to class and did his homework! Can you believe this? That this actually made sense to me? But it got worse from there.

His trajectory downward in no way included college! If I said I got smart soon after I came here I would be lying. I didn't. It took years and years until I accepted that I could be okay. I could even thrive when he didn't. It took years to accept that we were separate people;
that my life was a separate life, that we were not symbiotic; that I could breathe, love, work, and be, as a separate organism, a separate mind, a separate soul.

But I did learn. And I am more than okay now. I have moments of sadness and moments of fear and panic, but I overcome them rather quickly and restore my own calm, my own center, and my own boundaries. If I can do this, so can you. I was a very very slow learner. You can learn quickly.

Others here have pointed the way. I will add my 2 cents. Every single thing that you can do for yourself, do. What does that mean? Walk someplace pretty, every day. By yourself. Find the kind of music that you adore and that inspires you to breathe deeply and forget your worries. Get Bluetooth headphones and Spotify and walk, listening to your music. If you can listen to music in your house without bothering others, buy a Bluetooth speaker, and set up Spotify. I have a very specific kind of music that transports me. In seconds, to bliss. You can find this too.

Find books that make you feel happy so that you forget the world and enter a new one. Best of all, a series so that there are 10 or 15 books of a series that create a place, with a network of characters. And allow yourself an hour or more to read thereby transporting yourself away from your misery. I read cozy mysteries, mainly. One series takes place in SW France. The one I'm reading now takes place in Paris (but it's scarier). Some people like to read historical novels or contemplative or spiritual books. I do too. But I find I really flourish when I read fun books.

Do needlework or art if you like that kind of thing. Doing this will regulate your breathing and focus your attention on the task and thereby reducing anxiety and calming you.

If you are spiritually minded, find a group in your town, or on the internet and immerse yourself. I do that. I meet 4 days a week.

If you garden or like indoor plants, do that. I do. This helps me.

What you are doing with these activities is little by little creating a separate self, from your child, and everybody else, for that matter. Your own little world of peace and contentment. We need to be separate selves. Many of us never learned how. When I came here for the first few years I must have posted 20 or 30 times a day many days. I posted on everybody's threads. That is how I learned. I could see more clearly other people's lives. And this is how I learned how to be in my own life.

You are NOT alone. We are here all of us walking in your shoes. Please keep posting. The people who have responded to your post, care deeply and they will stay with you.
 
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