I'm incredibly DISTRAUGHT!!!!!!!!!

[Losingmycookies!]

Okay, to start the story my daughter was diagnosed with ODD, and depression. We have had really a rought couple of years, and yes things haven't been good.

So I've always known that my child didn't fit in with other kids, and there was teasing and bullying. I tried to intervene and I've been to the school on certain events, and have even talked with other parents. Then we had a big shift in our lives when my partner and I (and kids) moved into together. My daughter was okay at first, we talked extensively with them about this and felt comfortable to move forward. Anyhow all hell broke loose and my daughter was uncontrolable to the extreme...I tried to get help, and some of it worked. Anyhow fast forward to today....So we check her computer often to see her actities...my partner is pretty computer savvy and went in deeper when we found a big file of MSN chats and email. They were horrible...the kids were soooooo cruel to my daughter...it made me cry hard and feel sick. I've tried to help and I've tried to be there but I've lost my mind many times. The stress of life coupled with this has made me crazy. I feel guilty because our home life became chaotic and she really pushed me away. I tried to help...I did. Anyhow I have been getting councilling and slowly trying to get daughter there again too. They told me not to push her, and to be loving and supportive and slowly she'll come around. In the mean time I'm attending to help the situation. My daughter has a lot of hurt and anger, but her perception of situations is really off sometimes. For example she's been singing like crazy around the house, which is good because these past couple of weeks she's been happy....So the other day she sang at her computer for like two hours really loud...and by the way she isn't exactly on tune LOL. We have agreed to let her go to voice lessons, anyhow I jokingly said to her "IF you tone it down a bit, I'll let you go to two classes a week"...she laughed at the time, but now she is saying I told her she is tone deaf and can't sing.

Soooooo on her computer we found she has been to Kid's Help phone online. She has posted to a councillor and they responded. First off I was thrilled she reached out and talked, cause she doesn't often. Well in this thread she said that we call her names and walk into her room and call her ugly and when she cut her wrist I called her psycho, and she is just being a normal kid, maybe a bit "defiant" (I thought it was funny she used that word). We have never called her those things, and she forgets to put the black eye i got, the broken things in the house, and the suspension at school (she put that she got that for not doing some homework) Anyhow the councillor wrote back...and I mean in the first sentence she said "you are being abused, verbally by your mom and her boyfriend"....they went on to say I was cruel for calling her psycho when she cut her wrist and I should have been more caring and supportive and is there somewhere else she could live for the time? AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH I've been crying for 12 hours now. What kind of advice is that????? I understand that they have to take things seriously, but to call me cruel and abusive. That's such a dangerous thing to say to her, especially when her perception of the situation is so off. They don't know what they are dealing with on the other end. She also posted about 5 different subjects including how she hated her brother ,and now her brother is abusive to her too....and the kids at school, ect ect. What do I do??????? Do I talk to her about what I found? I also noted she wrote this on the last day of school where she was in the principals office and a whole bunch of things happened that she did.

I'm stressed!!!!

 

[Losingmycookies!]

I should also note that my partner is also distraught, but his thought is that we need to take as much pressure off her and leave her alone and just be there, and when she feels better talk to her. He thinks I shouldn't tell anyone because we need to respect her thoughts, and they aren't dangerous ones and but ones she's working out. Ugh I don't know....

 

[BusynMember]

Well, first of all, calm down and take a deep breath, hon. Believe it or not, some of us have been right where you're at --false accusations. This is what I'd do. First off, I'd put down a signature like I've done below so that we have a good idea of the situation in your home. I have a few questions and then a suggestion and others will come along--people here are so nice and helpful.

1/ Did this start just when your boyfriend moved in or is it lifelong?
2/ How was her early development? Did she talk on time and appropriately? Good fine and gross motor skills? Does she know how to socialize appropriately with peers? I know she's getting teased, but is it because she's "quirky?" Does she maybe not understand how to socialize? There's no excuse for bullying--none--but I'm trying to find out her particular issues.

2/ Has this child ever had an evaluation by a private person, like a neuropsychologist? Any therapy? medications?
3/ Are there any psychiatric disorders, neurological disorders or substance abuse on either side of her genetic tree, including her birthfathers.

My suggestion is that she needs a complete evaluation. To me, as a layperson, she sounds more than ODD/depression. I'd want it checked out by a fresh opinion. She is either living in another reality or she is doing puzzling, self-destructive behaviors that don't make any sense and I highly recommend going to a private neuropsychologist, as they do extensive testing. No other professional tests as extensively as a neuropsychologist. You can find them at University and Children's Hospitals. in my humble opinion They are far better than pediatricians or psychologists or in my opinion even psychiatrists. The other professionals just don't do the same amount of testing, if they test at all. Then I would go from there after I got the results. Your child is really hurting and she is different. And she knows she is different and may be acting out either because of it or because she's extremely angry and frustrated. Adding to this, she may not be liking her new family, which is common. Kids don't always like Mom with a boyfriend, even if Dad is a deadbeat. I wish you luck and others will offer their advice too.

 

[Star*]

Dear cookie monster,

Hi and welcome. Well if I had a nickel for the time = no wait I want a diamond ring - If I had a diamond ring for the time that difficult child ran away, told all his friends and their Moms that I was abusing them, managed to get to school while he had run away and told the teacher that I punched him in the eye - OH I'd have a bauble to rival Liberace! The lies were THAT big. AND I got the same treatment on the phone from the principal, teacher and resource officer (whom by the way I felt was least resourceful of all - and a cop to boot that checked no clues out) that your daughter did on line.

First of all - if you aren't guilty of doing those things - You aren't. My son told the cop at school that I punched him in the eye on a Monday and we went to the school Tuesday - I'm 5'8", my father was a Golden Gloves boxer - I boxed for a while, I was a body builder. To see me, greet me is to know better about my supposed lack of control. I asked the cop 5'1" what she heard, and she told me that I hit him. My DF stepped in and said "Lady I mean you NO disrespect, but this is Wednesday he said she hit him on Monday - and I'm going to tell you if THAT woman hits you, you aren't going to walk away without a black eye or worse. LOOK at her - 240lbs 5'8" and not a mean bone in her body, but if she hit you you would know it." My son ALSO told them I burned his clothes, and threw away his school books. I handed them the books so we wouldn't have to pay fines, and then we took him to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - his exact comment when we said "Where would you like to go (meaning home) was - ANYWHERE BUT HOME WITH YOU. So we obliged. He called me two weeks later - with the "Hi Momma - and can I have some clothes?" I said "I burned your clothes remember?" The counselor got on the phone and asked me for some clothes for him - and I told HER the same thing. Then I said - he told school officials - police, friends, neighbors that I blacked his eye, burned his clothes, and threw out his books - I WANT A WRITTEN APOLOGY to GO WITH THE STATEMENTS that I HAD to give the school, the cops, the counselor - and almost DSS...because of his crip-crappy lies. Before he got any clothes? I got my written apology - copied it and sent it to everyone except his friends.

The lesson there is DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT - print out the email and take it to your therapist, discuss it. LET SOMEONE ELSE KNOW YOU DID NOT LAY A HAND ON THAT CHILD.

The fact that she's reaching out - good job for her - BUT why not make her go to a therapy session? I see the therapist says don't force her - but she wouldn't HAVE to go in and talk - she can take a book and sit in the waiting room. It's what we did to ease our son into therapy - and one night - we went - and the therapist got a cue from me and started asking difficult child some basic things - like "Gosh you seem really agitated tonight - care to tell me what's wrong?" and this gave my son the opportunity to "unload" and start in on how much we stunk, smelled, etc.." and from there the therapist said "Well come in here - let's not talk out here - and from there - it went well on and off for years." Some nights they just played checkers - some nights Dude sat in the chair and said nothing - but we got him in the habit of Thursday at 7:00 is YOUR time to be HERE (at therapist)

I would also suggest since your partner is computer savy - maybe a program like Net Nanny - NOT to do anything other than cover your behind.

The fact that she's reaching out is good - to me the idea that she is making stuff SOUND worse to others SCREAMS "I WANT TO PLAY THE ROLE OF THE VICTIM - PITY ME - LOOK HOW AWFUL MY LIFE IS." And you are dealing with a manipulative little brain - that doesn't have YOUR interests at heart.

I also NEVER cried in front of my son or got emotional after a period of time - I learned to walk away, lock my door, and turn him off and out - Not that it is not good to cry - but don't ever let HER see you do it - they feed off the emotion and feel as though they won. And a difficult child/CD/ODD kid - LOVES to win. And when you cry - well to them that's just about the worst thing you can make a human do. Fighting back and acknowledging they exist when they are being rude runs a close 2nd.

Come back often - hope you found something in this post that will help. Keep going to therapy. Get copies of her correspondence - and keep /start a file /log of incidents and the outcome.

Best of luck
Star

 

[klmno]

Hi, Cookies! I'm sorry I can't help you but wanted to offer support anyway. My difficult child has said things to ME like that when he's refusing to own up to his own actions, but I'd be pretty upset if I were in your shoes, too. (My day could come.) There's a lot of good experience on this board and supportive cyber-friends- they've helped me a lot! Who knows what is going through her mind- definitely sounds like she needs some help though. I'm glad you are reaching out for supports.

Good Luck and keep us posted!

 

[busywend]

Welcome!

I can only imagine what teachers, counselors, therapists, coaches, camp, etc. have heard about me! I have never worried about it because I know it is not true.
I always felt if I was doing everything I could to help her then people would know I was a good parent.
Now, I just describe difficult child and they all nod their heads because they see it, too. It used to be all saved for me at home, now she is defiant at school, too.

I agree with your partner. Just keep checking the computer. Do not reveal anything just yet.

 

[TerryJ2]

Sigh. I am so sorry.
First of all, I wouldn't worry about what a complete stranger thinks of you, soley based on what your daughter has said. Easier said than done, I know.
I don't know how old your daughter is and what gr she's in, but I'd try to keep her off the computer by occupying her with-other things for the time being, and try to get her out of the house, meeting people, and perhaps changing her perspective a bit that way.
Counseling, real counseling, in person is the way to go. That would be my aim.
And I wouldn't jump on any computer confrontation yet, especially while you're still raw from this revelation. Give it a few days and work up a plan. She's going to get defensive so you'll have to think it through carefully.
Good luck.