The first thing that came to mind reading your posts, is where are the consequences? If you're already dealing with temper tantrums, theatrics, overrunning mouth and the threat of physical violence etc etc - you might as well make it worthwhile all the drama.
Not doing homework? So sorry, no playstation. Not up for debate.
Trashing your room [or part of the house] because you're p.o.ed about something - sorry - no playstation for the next 2 days, and that only if you clean this up asap, else it will be an additional day extra for any hour you think about it.
Mouting off at bed time or refusing to go - I guess you don't want to have your playstation [or whatever makes him tick] tomorrow either, huh?
Not getting xyz grades in school? Sorry no money for [or actual] new playstation games until this, that or the other happens [Mine went for over a year without new games, and none for BD or XMAS either!!!]
I get all of the being their friend thingy and all that, but you've got to be a parent too. I became my sons best friend and bossom buddy when he was in his worst Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) throes, and I also became his personal doormat to let off steam off, walk all over, get rude and obnoxious too, and we nearly came to blows a few times too [that is him raising his hand a time or two or trying to shove me around] - just because he knew I cared, worried myself sick and bend backwards in trying to help him. I also had countless holes in the sheetrock, a demolished bathroom, and 9 broken sliding glass doors that I had collected for a future green house.
This all changed when I remembered who I was - - - an adult grown person who wouldn't take this **** from a spouse or SO, and most certainly not from a 16 year old. One of his things about pushing my buttons was unbuckling his seatbelt while I was driving [we do a fair share of driving/commuting] - can't tell you how many times I pulled over and argued that seatbelt back onto him. 'til that one memorable time when I had enough - I pulled over, asked him to step out - actually had to threaten him to get out of the car, and drove off. He had to walk home 2 miles [I could have bumped him out 3 miles earlier, but figured 2 miles was far enough]. Arguing, yelling, picking fights or screaming in the car, blasting the music, etc etc - made him walk 3 miles the next time. I have not had one single unpleasant car ride with him since, and on the rare day he is argumentative, I'll ask him to quit or step out - guess which he chooses?
This is just one example on how I got my power back in the house. When he realized that I was calling his bluff, we had a few [suprisingly few] very ugly headbumps - and I called the cops on him once [he took off hiding in the neighborhood]. Me taking control of our home and communicating my expectations to him, along with the consequences if he did not change and adjust his behavior accordingly, made the beginning of his recovery. While he still has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), it has become manageable for him and nearly non-invasive. You'd have to catch him on a bad day [usually if he forgets and after he goes on a sugar/candy binge or has a huge fast food meal] to know that something is slightly off with him. He does chores [grumbling sometimes], helps with the business [self employed here], cooks and does dishes [still garbage challenged - one of his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) things], does his own laundry and is slowly but showly catching up on his dropped home schooling.
I think if I hadn't reestablished the dominance in my home, and the respect that comes with it [and the occasional resentment too], he would still be deeply wrapped up and guided by the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and not functioning at all. Certainly not near normal level as he is now. While he still gets angry and frustrated at times, he has also matured [and that was another thing - while he was embroiled and consumed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), he stagnated and actually regressed - he did not mature at all - he has since grown by bounds and leaps this past year] and I am extremely pleased with that as well. And guess what else - after we got the "pack order" here in the house reestablished, we became friends again. We can and have normal discussions about his problems, male growing pains, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship issues, maturity and development, education and so on, and he actually listens to, thinks about and considers what I have to say. He has overcome the need to naysay me all the time, or to be a square peg in a round hole - he's good. But every once in a while that difficult child makes another run for it, and I put my foot down firmly when it rears its ugly head - and he thinks about how it was when Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) ran his life and reconsiders...
Now if you think he is henpecked, down trodden or overdominated - not at all. We still on occasions bump heads, he still grumbles when he doesn't want to, and his room still is trashed more often than clean. He is however more considerate, less rude and rarely obnoxious [that'll get nipped right in the bud], and - are you sitting down ??? - he says thank you for favors done and apologizes when he knows he overstepped his boundaries. He just needed to have said boundaries in which to grow into, and as he matures and remains responsible, his freedom grows alike. Trust breeds trust and it goes both ways. They do need rules, boundaries, and consequences. Mostly they need permanence, firm guidance and a loving hand. From more varied sides this information gets shared with and enforced by [other adults, uncles, grandpas, older cousins, associates and mentors] the better it is.
So again to the start of my post - if you already have upheaval and drama in your life, you might as well make it worth the energy and time to battle! So put your foot down and don't be afraid to say NO, NOT and NOT TODAY YOU'RE NOT! And by the way - if you think thngs get easier when puberty sets in, think again. When those hormones go into overdrive, and the tempers flare - you will really have a battle on your hands. You might as well get a headstart while you can... Heartfelt Hugs!
