I'm not coping very well, struggling with-anger and depression

[Weary for Hope]

Hello friends,

I have been weeping and wailing today (this happened about a week ago out of sadness of infertility, it was kind of uncontrollable a week ago). This intense wailing, though may happen on occasion, is not a normal thing for me. (I'm taking a pill for a physical issue and I suspect that it's exacerbating my strong emotions).

Today it's about my son. I no longer know how to cope with living with him. He has actually been pretty sweet to me (other than disobeying me yesterday morning) the past 2-3 days. He has wanted to come up and talk to me and show me things, etc. But I am REALLY struggling with anger. I know I am supposed to love him unconditionally, but I can't even like him right now. (a week ago I was alone with him and it was a scary situation - I should have called the cops). It's such an emotional roller coaster ride...most of the time, going down, not up)

I have been living in an abusive relationship for years now (with-my son) and he is the abuser. How do you cope? When do you know you can't take it anymore and you need to get help for yourself? I'm a believer in Jesus and if I didn't have Him and his grace and mercy, hope and love - I wouldn't have made it this far, that's for sure.

I see that many of you have issues with depression, etc. HOW CAN WE NOT in the situations WE HAVE been forced to live in? I think I've had mild depression for a while now....and some days I feel really good. But there are times when it is definitely moderate.

I'm afraid to take drugs - - when I read about them, it sounds like they can do more harm than good - - they can cause suicidal feelings, make your depression worse, etc.

I have been trying to take better care of myself physically (I am in shape and exercise a lot, but like sugar too much and don't get enough sleep). That's my first plan of action (and maybe a little trip away). I definitely want to see a naturopath before I see a psychiatrist. It truly freaks me out, though I know it does many people a world of good. But something definitely has to change.

 

[Chaosuncontained]

I am on my way out the door but wanted to respond.

You are NOT alone. You are right. The situations we find ourselves in CAN make us depressed. I know there are some on this board who are not fans of medication...

I will tell you this. A medication LITERALLY saved my life. You are reaching out, right now, on this board, because you KNOW you need help. You took the first step. And it was very brave of you to do. Now you need to take the next one.


You know that you would do ANYTHING for your boy. To see him get better. To see him happy. He needs YOU to ge better and happy too.


Call your doctor. Please do this.


I'll be praying for you.

 

[buddy]

HUGS weary. I think it is a great plan to work on your health and sleep. You are mostly there sounds like with exercise and condition, now to feed your body properly and get enough rest.

Of course you're upset with difficult child, taht is human. I think it is hard not to feel actual dislike and conditional love when you are emotinally struggling and then when you feel dislike for your child and the issues happen you feel more depressed, and so on, and so on, and so on....

So, to break the cycle, seems you need to do what you are doing...let it out, work on healthier habits and part of it may be the physical issues. If you are dealing with infertility, you could be all over the place and really need to give yourself a gentle place to just have your emotions.

What can you do...anything like respite around for you? ( believe me, I understand if the answer is no....We have tons of overnight respite, none for Q)

 

[ThreeShadows]

Hi, Weary! This is an awful time of year for me. I too am infertile and Christmas is about family. We adopted three children but I am sad that I was never able to blend my genes with my husband's.

I was afraid to take antidepressants because my mother was very destructive towards me and I was terrified of hurting my daughter while under the influence of a chemical. I have to say that I am very lucky that lexapro was invented. It makes me able to survive the notion that "life is pain".

Maybe you should contact a domestic abuse shelter and ask them if they can help you find a good therapist or a group for other victims. You are a victim of your son's violence, even though he is a child.

Hugs!

 

[Bunny]

Weary, I know exactly how you feel. I think that alot of us here can relate to the emotions that you have. It is VERY depressing to have to deal with alot of the hands that we have been dealt. In many ways our kids are ill, but because it's not a physical illness it's not as recognizable to others who can't understand why we don't have "control" over our kids. Last year at this time I was an absolute mess. Crying all the time. Angry at the situation that I was in with my son. Annoyed with my husband because he did not recognize my deep depression for what it was. In his mind I was being just as difficult as my son was. Nothing made me happy, not even the hobbies that I loved. When you therapist asks you if you've made a suicide plan, you know that you're in bad shape.


I also understand the feeling that you have toward your son. I don't want to do things with him or spend time with him because I am angry about the way he treats me and the way he behaves towards me. Personally I think it's a choice on his part and I can honestly say that there have been times when I truly resent him for what he has done to our family. The rest of us have to deal with his anger and tantrums when things don't go his way and while it has taken a toll on me, it has really taken a toll on easy child and a big toll on my marriage. When husband and I fight, for the most part the subject of the argument is difficult child. It does not make for a healthy marriage at times.

I can tell you that I stated an anti-depressant about a year ago, and while it has not made the depression go away entirely, it has lifted to the point where I can function and be a better mother to both of my kids. I'll never be perfect (which one of us will be?), but I can deal with the anger and sadness better than I could last year. It may be something to think about. I always said that I never wanted to take a pill to feel better, but it got to a point where I was wasting my days on the couch because I just didn't want to do anything. I remember giving my kids English muffins for dinner one night, and while I know that English muffins as a dinner is not going to hurt them, I'm the person who cooks dinner every night. For me to say that I just didn't care who ate what for dinner was a huge thing and for me it was the things that sent me to the doctor for help.

If you can get your emotions under control, dealing with your difficult child will be a little easier. I hope you feel better. Keep us posted as to how you are doing.

 

[Wiped Out]

I could have written this myself. It is sometimes so hard to "like" difficult child and want to do things with him because of all the abuse. You are right it is so, so , difficult.

You are doing a good job with exercising. I know that it helps a lot!! I did finally get to the point where I did start an anti-depressant. It is something I thought I would never have to do and it was very hard for me to make that phone call but I'm glad I did. It hasn't been a cure all but it has helped. For me I knew I needed it when I was getting upset at store clerks, etc... for things that made no sense for me to get upset about. I was snapping at everyone all of the time and that just wasn't me.

Sending gentle and understanding hugs your way.

 

[Liahona]

This year is the first time in years that I have been off an anti-depressant. I've tried going off of them before and always got scary suicidal. I keep telling doctors its situational depression, but the situation isn't going to go away. I keep watching myself to see if I need to go back on them. So far so good. I'm still depressed. I'm just not to the point I'm willing to take medications yet.

medications can be a life saver as well as scary with side-effects.

 

[timer lady]

Hi Weary ~ positive thoughts & gentle (((hugs))).

The only way I've been able to handle the tweedles is to detach. I've almost built a wall of protection around my heart. I chose my battles very wisely & let the little things slide.

This is one of the worst times of years for difficult children, I swear. Our little wonders will drive us over the edge & you don't know what's hit you.

by the way, don't be afraid of the medications ~ they can be a life saver.

This too shall pass.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi, hon.

Sometimes situational depression can turn into clinical depression. I really don't know much about situational depression because I was depressed as early as during my toddlerhood and the only thing that has kept me alive is my antidepressant. For me, it is a miracle and I can live a normal life on it and even deal with some horrible stress without falling apart, like I once did. I do not feel it has changed my personality either. I am myself, but I can function.

I'm not telling you to take AD's. It took me ten years to find the one that was miraculous for me and you CAN get side affects. But maybe...if it gets bad enough...you may want to keep an open mind...Hugggggz!!

 

[mazdamama]

((((Weary for Hope))))
Yup, same story here and same age of child....drives a sane person nuts. And yes, Daniel has abused me...he wound up in a crisis unit because he knocked me to the floor. I have many health problems and when he knocked me down he tore a ligament in my knee that cannot be repaired due to the arthritis in that knee.
I do love him dearly but dislike him at times and often hate his actions, Can't hate the child but boy can I hate his actions. I even wonder at times if I made the right decision in adopting them but that idea goes away quickly because God has me exacrlt where HE wants me.
As for the depression..it runs in my family and I have been on anti depressants for 10 yrs now. I began on them after hurting my back working as a nurse. I began seeing a therapist after my husband died...not because I was mourning him but because I wasn't. Since he had been sick for so very long and was so mean and emotional abusive to me she made me understand that I had put him in a category of a patient because my love for him had died many years before.
So I have tried many anti-depressants and am currently taking both Cymbalta and Lexapro. Cymbalta helps with the fibromyalgia also. With all the recent going ons with Daniel my psychiatrist put me on a low dose of xanax to be taken as needed. I am a strong woman and have been through alot in my life but when I started chewing away at the inside of my lips and tying my hair in knots from twirling it I knew that my anxiety level was off the charts.
IF I go off my anti-depressants for even a day or so the tears flow and all I want to do is sleep to escape.
At church I have an awesome church family. One of the older women is a retired psychiatric nurse who raised four boys of her own. Twice a month after the service is over she will ask if she can take the boys to lunch. I usually only let Daniel go with her because he has come to think of her as a grandma and David prefers to be home. It gives both David and I a bit of a respite.
As for abuse.....cops have told Daniel that I can beat his behind if I need to and they would just stand there and watch. If he is to ever push me or hit me he already knows it will be back to the crisis center for him even though he will be in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) soon enough.
I really believe that as the mothers we get more of the inner hate they have at themselves directed at us because Moms are supposed to be able to fix everything. We bandage their scraped knees, hold them when they get hurt ad kiss their boo boos away. Mental illness in our children is not something Mom can fix on her own so in ssome way I think they think we are letting them down.
Do talk to your doctor about how you are feeling...you are not doing your son any good with you being down. Take the doctors' advice. And if your son abuses you again.....call the police. It was the worst thing I have ever had to do but in the long run those calls to the police is what is finally getting him the help he needs in Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

 

[TerryJ2]

{{hugs}}. Weary.
I hear you.
I haven't gone through infertility and I suspect those hormones may add a layer of depression, (not to mention the loss), but I have gone through the other issues ... and continue to do so. I had a week last week just like you're having now.
A person can only take so much.
I agree with-the others ... work on yourself. Go to the gym. Go for walks. (You son is 11. You can leave him for 45 min for a walk, right?)
It is so hard to detach but it's got to be done.
I have/had situational depression, too, and chose medications, in addition to which, I had breast cancer and cannot take hormones, so the medications help with-that.
Yrs ago I tried Zoloft for stress and headaches and ended up getting even worse headaches.
Effexor works for me, most of the time. Others here have had awful effects from Effexor. Everyone's body is different.
There are times when a difficult child can break through any medication, any sort of detachment, any sort of professional intervention. They just zoom right to the heart of things and are relentless.
Still, if you want to function day-to-day and get your life back, go to a homeopath, and/or go to a primary care phys you trust, and get something. It is so important to be able to function day-to-day. If I couldn't paint or create something, my life would seem worthless. I get so sick of taking care of other people. I am not a born caregiver. It's been thrust upon me. I was thrown a curveball.
I know how you feel.
I'm so glad you felt safe enough to share with us.

I would definitely try out something. It will take several mo's to see what works and what doesn't, but your son isn't going away any time soon, Know what I mean??