In absence of son

So, it's been a while since I was here.
I have days when I feel utterly failed as a father.
Days when I get angry at his mom for doing what she does. And then days when I am just overwhelmed by sadness.
I look at the long string of broken promises, times he has begun an education, a job, or social engagement of sort, and quit again. Often for me to find out long after.
I try to stay strong and mostly I am ok. Mostly I can commit to living a good life in spite of the situation.
He turned 20 last year and it is his life to live, not mine. I keep preaching this to myself and whoever asks.
The thing is, that I don't mind him being seriously angry at me; that would be fine. Cause it would be a reaction and something tangible.
My son just keeps ghosting me. At Christmas, (which we have held just me and him on Dec. 23rd his whole life), he stayed away without a word. On Christmas eve I got a text saying I am "sorry dad, just forgot our appointment"
Since then he has been here once, ( He had moved back to town with his mom, without telling me) and only for a couple of hours until I started asking about life, drugs, and everything else. He used to claim anxiety big time, so to me, it's only natural to ask how he is doing with that as well. He got all defensive and left.
And then he disappeared again. This was mid-January.
Everything just screams drug relapse to me.
I hope not. And I hope that one day when he has grown enough, he will get back to me and try for some kind of relationship.
Because right now there isn´t one.
 
Hi WDWFB, just checking in with sympathy. Haven't heard from my son since we asked him to leave in August. He doesn't do drugs afaik, he seems OK and appears on social media from time to time but asked us not to speak to him so we don't. He accused us of all sorts. My husband's health isn't good and my nerves were in shreds. He seemed to be hell bent on torturing us for no reason that I could see.
His Grandad passed on Feb 6. We did email him then but no answer.
Yes I really, really get it with the feelings of failure. It makes me tearful. It's natural to think that, especially when we see parents and family around us who have 'model' children. But there are many of us out there who did their best, and if loving them and trying to help them was so wrong, perhaps we can forgive ourselves for that and concentrate on our own lives. I have found Zen Buddhist teachings help, even though I still pray to G-D. And I make art.
My Mum, who was a refugee, a divorcee, a mother of 4 deserted by her husband and survivor of shock treatment for all kinds of breakdowns, used to sing "let him go, let him tarry, let him sink or let him swim, he doesn't care for me so I don't care for him" - an old song. Maybe we still do care, but it helps! : )
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
I'm so sorry for your heartache. I know it hurts. I've been there before.

I'm not sure of your "faith" background but try to find some quiet time and first start by saying to yourself:

May I have peace
May I be healthy
May I be safe
May I have love
May I be happy

Say this over and over until you really feel the connection.

Then send these same good thoughts to your son.

May "___" have peace
May"____" be healthy
May "___" be safe
May "___" have love
May "___" be happy

Add any other feelings of health and goodness you're feeling and send these thoughts towards him.

Envision these well wishes surrounding him like a light. I truly feel if we send out "love" to ourselves or another the seed is planted and has opportunity to blossom. I also think of the time I spend worrying. Why not spend even a 1/4 of this time lifting them up and use our time wisely?
 
Hi WDWFB, just checking in with sympathy. Haven't heard from my son since we asked him to leave in August. He doesn't do drugs afaik, he seems OK and appears on social media from time to time but asked us not to speak to him so we don't. He accused us of all sorts. My husband's health isn't good and my nerves were in shreds. He seemed to be hell bent on torturing us for no reason that I could see.
His Grandad passed on Feb 6. We did email him then but no answer.
Yes I really, really get it with the feelings of failure. It makes me tearful. It's natural to think that, especially when we see parents and family around us who have 'model' children. But there are many of us out there who did their best, and if loving them and trying to help them was so wrong, perhaps we can forgive ourselves for that and concentrate on our own lives. I have found Zen Buddhist teachings help, even though I still pray to G-D. And I make art.
My Mum, who was a refugee, a divorcee, a mother of 4 deserted by her husband and survivor of shock treatment for all kinds of breakdowns, used to sing "let him go, let him tarry, let him sink or let him swim, he doesn't care for me so I don't care for him" - an old song. Maybe we still do care, but it helps! : )
Thanks for your kind words. I actually let him go long ago and it is OK. But I do get overwhelmed time and again. I know in my head that I have played my dad-part just fine, but the heart still wants to mend that broken relationship.
 
I'm so sorry for your heartache. I know it hurts. I've been there before.

I'm not sure of your "faith" background but try to find some quiet time and first start by saying to yourself:

May I have peace
May I be healthy
May I be safe
May I have love
May I be happy

Say this over and over until you really feel the connection.

Then send these same good thoughts to your son.

May "___" have peace
May"____" be healthy
May "___" be safe
May "___" have love
May "___" be happy

Add any other feelings of health and goodness you're feeling and send these thoughts towards him.

Envision these well wishes surrounding him like a light. I truly feel if we send out "love" to ourselves or another the seed is planted and has opportunity to blossom. I also think of the time I spend worrying. Why not spend even a 1/4 of this time lifting them up and use our time wisely?
Thanks JayPee, I meditate every day and have for many years. It helps me as well.
 
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