In law/daughter in law questions

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Staff member
ive been fortunate that I have a nice daughter in law.
Oddly, her mother is a bit peculiar...but fortunately, nothing extreme and she has a good heart.

My daughter in law will go out of her way to protect her mother’s Reputation.
We moved to the same city and my daughter in law has spent a lot of time with her mom this summer.

I’m noticing some oddities.
One example, she is now super tight lipped around me.
Her own mom , for example, knows the names of her friends and co workers, but she refuses to ever say their names in front of me even if I ask, which she considers an invasion of privacy. It’s her right, but I find it odd.
We often refer to our friends by their names...went out with Sue and Tom the other day. What’s with this?

Interestingly, her mom might be prone to getting too chummy with her friends, but there is no way I would do that.

Husband says maybe it’s some weird power play.

Ok. Second part. Without being snarky (lol) What do you wish your mother in law was like? The ideal mother in law? Describe her if you can. How can I do better?

I once had a young woman (same age as my daughter in law) tell me her mother in law was kind and generous, yet she practically hated her and she couldn’t really say why.

We got along better before we moved here. I’ve done nothing differently.

What gives?

Will not overly stress over this. But if I can do something helpful, I’ll try.
 
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Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Hi Nomad

I would love you as my mother in law. I think it is touching that you want to do better.

But the thing is daughter in law is carrying her own baggage.

She may be making strong boundaries because of her own insecurities or because of her experience with her own mother, as you suggest.

Let her.

_____

Notes to future self if I am ever lucky enough to have a daughter in law.

Love her as she is. Remember she is mine. Regardless of what she could have more or less of.

Make my own life.

Accept with grace what my son and his wife offer.

Be grateful.

Keep secrets.

Recognize that my son has to put his partner first.

Let her be human. Accept her foibles.

Let go of hurt feelings.

PS I would find being a mother in law very, very difficult, if not impossible. Honestly. I don't think I could ever do the above.
 

Triedntrue

Well-Known Member
The biggest thing for me is don't interfere. My mother in law when we were first married would call and tell me it was a holy day. When my husband lost his job and i was working full time she wanted to know if I packed him a lunch.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I am not married to M but we have been together a long time.

His mother who is a very nice lady calls me "she" or in Spanish, "ella." She remembers who I am but not my name. This sticks in my head because I heard her ask M, does she cook for you?

I would try hard not to call my daughter in law "she" and I would not ask about or comment upon her housekeeping and housewifely activities.

Tired Mama, I can't stop smiling about the phone calls to remind you about Holy Days. I guess it was not so funny....Packing a lunch when he was at home, and you working full time? Give me a break.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Staff member
I think not interfering is a huge one.

I had a difficult mother in law.
When we got engaged she wanted to know if we “HAD” to get married. WTH?
She was critical and could be unkind.
She interfered at first but eventually stopped that....took a long time.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I had a marvelous mother in law. She was so kind and never interferred.

I am with Tired Mama. Nothing wears you down to your kids SO like a stick your nose in it mother in law. And your grown kid doesnt want or need your .02 on childrearing, their jobs, their spose, or anything really. They want your friendship and support, not hovering and criticising and being too involved in their business. I think my best advice for both being thr mother of a married adult child AND his/her SO is to be a good friend who supports thrm positively and keeps judgment to oneself. This is hard for some, but I feel it is important.

We didnt like our folks criticizing us or telling us how to do something better, unless we asked, and our kids and their spouses dont like it either. They need to learn, like we did. We need to learn to be a friend to them. Without being bossy.

Nomad, sounds like you are doing fine. The kids marry people who have families and problems of their own. Some mothers get jealous of a mother in law who gets close to her child and the child may feel guilty about it. That dynamic in my opinion plays out a lot. Some adult kids pull back to not offend their own mother. It is what it is.

As long as you are kind and not interferring there isnt much else you can do.
 
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Nomad

Well-Known Member
Staff member
To clear the record...I wasn’t pregnant and didn’t “have to” get married. What an odd thing to say , yet she said it to several people. Ugh.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Nomad it sounds like she is just odd. So is my oldest daughter's SO. We just deal with him. He is pretty quiet and hides downstairs when we are there. (Shrug). My youngest has a great fiance. We all get along very well. We hang out together. Bart married a horrible woman and we barely heard from him until she ran off with another man. She definitely controlled him those ten years. Now he sees what we saw and I hope he learned.

You cant pick their SO. You do what you can with what you have.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I would like a mother in law I had something in common with. Mine talks sports and people I don't know. I am NOT a sports person especially not ones that involve balls. It is literally the ONLY thing my husband's family talks about. I spent six hours at a family reunion and didn't talk about anything to anyone because no one would talk about anything but sports. I tried HARD to fit in, but after a few years, it just wasn't worth it. My husband loves my parents for the most part, even after the hard times with my brother.

As for what kind of mother in law I want to be, I just want to connect and enjoy whoever my kids' love. So far, that isn't even on the horizon.
 

Triedntrue

Well-Known Member
I know what you mean about the sports. 3 sons and hubby plus when my mom was alive she liked sports. My family but i was the odd one out. The saving grace was cards. 500 bid my mom and mother inlaw and whatever sons brothers in law and my husband and i played whenever we got together.
 
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