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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 760100" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>If he's getting these Adderall illegally or taking them in a way that they are not prescribed, this is drug abuse.</p><p></p><p></p><p>JP. I am in similar shoes. No. You're not wrong. Let's start here. Nobody should be sacrificed, for another adult person to live. This is morally wrong. Our lives are not the currency that will save theirs.</p><p></p><p></p><p>It sounds to me that the hostility your son once directed towards you is still operative but now it's manifesting as paranoia towards others.</p><p></p><p>This has been the bone of contention between my son and me for nearly a decade. I threw him out of my house initially because he would not seek help. He was impossible to live with and I insisted that he needed to deal with what was troubling him. We are 8 years down the road, still in the same hole.</p><p></p><p>So. I get (very much so) what this is like for you. I will speak here as if your situation is my own. (Because it is.)</p><p></p><p>If I know about suspect problematic substance use it is wrong of me to not set a limit in terms of how it affects me. The burden of proof is my child's to show me that it's not happening and won't happen in such a way that it affects me or my space.</p><p></p><p>My needs are central. I need to feel safe in my home, to have time and space to do what makes me feel human, to work, and to sustain and to enjoy my life. This does not mean that I do not have a responsibility to support my child to the extent that it is possible to have a reciprocal and mutually beneficial relationship. This implies that all my child's needs can't be my responsibility to fill. This would be enabling.</p><p></p><p>There are community and social supports. If my child chooses to NOT avail himself of these, preferring that I be the only and end-all, this is a choice for which HE, not I, is responsible. That this causes me endless grief and fear is MY psycho/spiritual suffering to deal with. This is the human condition, to have to bear what is unbearable. Maybe especially for mothers. But we're not the first and we're not the last.</p><p></p><p>I have recently decided to go to my County Mental Health Department (where coincidentally I worked 25 years ago) to become a client for what they call collateral therapy. I want to experience and know exactly what could be in place for us in the community. I want to see what services are available to my son and to us as a unit. I see myself as very much a client, too. I think my judgement and decisions have been poor, and reactive. Often I lack self-control. I have tried to impose control and this has backfired many times and hurt both of us. I am humbled. I seek to build a team of support for myself and my son, because I can't do this alone. I think this might be workable. Who knows?</p><p></p><p>When a son is forced to depend solely on his mother, it can be infantilizing and overwhelming, and regressive for each of them, and both of them together. This is a potentially explosive mix, and can't work in the long run. For either of them. That's what I think.</p><p></p><p>JP. I am sorry this is so hard. For both of us. For so many of us. Thank you for this opportunity to think through where I am, too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 760100, member: 18958"] If he's getting these Adderall illegally or taking them in a way that they are not prescribed, this is drug abuse. JP. I am in similar shoes. No. You're not wrong. Let's start here. Nobody should be sacrificed, for another adult person to live. This is morally wrong. Our lives are not the currency that will save theirs. It sounds to me that the hostility your son once directed towards you is still operative but now it's manifesting as paranoia towards others. This has been the bone of contention between my son and me for nearly a decade. I threw him out of my house initially because he would not seek help. He was impossible to live with and I insisted that he needed to deal with what was troubling him. We are 8 years down the road, still in the same hole. So. I get (very much so) what this is like for you. I will speak here as if your situation is my own. (Because it is.) If I know about suspect problematic substance use it is wrong of me to not set a limit in terms of how it affects me. The burden of proof is my child's to show me that it's not happening and won't happen in such a way that it affects me or my space. My needs are central. I need to feel safe in my home, to have time and space to do what makes me feel human, to work, and to sustain and to enjoy my life. This does not mean that I do not have a responsibility to support my child to the extent that it is possible to have a reciprocal and mutually beneficial relationship. This implies that all my child's needs can't be my responsibility to fill. This would be enabling. There are community and social supports. If my child chooses to NOT avail himself of these, preferring that I be the only and end-all, this is a choice for which HE, not I, is responsible. That this causes me endless grief and fear is MY psycho/spiritual suffering to deal with. This is the human condition, to have to bear what is unbearable. Maybe especially for mothers. But we're not the first and we're not the last. I have recently decided to go to my County Mental Health Department (where coincidentally I worked 25 years ago) to become a client for what they call collateral therapy. I want to experience and know exactly what could be in place for us in the community. I want to see what services are available to my son and to us as a unit. I see myself as very much a client, too. I think my judgement and decisions have been poor, and reactive. Often I lack self-control. I have tried to impose control and this has backfired many times and hurt both of us. I am humbled. I seek to build a team of support for myself and my son, because I can't do this alone. I think this might be workable. Who knows? When a son is forced to depend solely on his mother, it can be infantilizing and overwhelming, and regressive for each of them, and both of them together. This is a potentially explosive mix, and can't work in the long run. For either of them. That's what I think. JP. I am sorry this is so hard. For both of us. For so many of us. Thank you for this opportunity to think through where I am, too. [/QUOTE]
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