IOP

[tryingtobestrong]

I don't think I can handle this anymore. started IOP last week -s eemed to be fine with it. This past week told me how depression is getting worse and sing unhealthy coping skills.
Then called during the day.talked a bit- seemed fine. laughing at one point. 4 hours later.. texts me that depression is getting unbearable-left work early..

Other than saying I will be done with you if you don't follow through I don't know what to say. He is the one who agreed to go to IOP. We wanted him to do IOP and sober living but he refused the sober living.
I can see him slipping. I feel his depression is getting to him. I don't know if he is taking his medication or not.
Any words of advice?

I

 

[Elsi]

Trying, I wish I had answers for you here, but this isn't an area I know much about. Mine have never made it as far as IOP or sober living.

I am pretty sure that he won't be put on a hold for cutting. S was also a cutter, but that was never enough for a hold. Only serious, imminent suicide threats or threats to other people did it. But of course I can't promise anything without knowing the specifics of his situation and his therapist. I think I would keep encouraging him to be honest. I know it is really common to substitute one addiction for another through the process. N got sober in prison and a court-mandated rehab process, and that worked for him. He was already athletic, and he ended up substituting fitness - lifting and running - as his "addiciton". It seems they do need something to replace it, and the best outcome is they can find a healthy something.

I think the only thing you can do here is to remember that this is his process, not yours, and try not to get too involved in it. If he's ready and he wants it he will find a way. If he's not and he doesn't there is nothing you can do. I hope you are able to take care of yourself and find some peace here. Hugs to you.

 

[RN0441]

Trying

I am so sorry that you area going through this and I know firsthand how heartbreaking it is to watch someone you love and gave birth to try to destroy themselves.

It's not something that any mother should have to go through.

You have to try to remember that when HE is ready to make changes HE will. When he decided he's done living like this and wants to start making good choices he can and will turn his life around.

We feel their pain more than they do.

Nothing we can say or do can make them DO this. I put everything I had into my son. Everything. I think all we can do is let them know that we love them and support them when they are are ready to make good choices and live the right way. The help is there waiting for him when he is ready to do what he needs to do. It's all on him.

Keep it simple.

Prayers for you and your son.

 

[tryingtobestrong]

He face-timed with us tonight. He looks awful. No expression, nothing. Just no life in him at all. I asked about work and just got a simple answer. He said he doesn't want to be here anymore. He has it counted down to the days that his longtime girlfriend left him 6 months ago due to his alcoholism. I was trying to make conversation and asked if he goes to the gym... I got a NO. I don't do ANYTHING! All he does is go to work and to AA meetings until late so he can go right to bed when he gets home. Doesn't play xbox or anything. Has a few people he goes to meetings with but that is all.
I so wanted to reach through the phone and say "If this is what you want for you life, then continue not trying to improve yourself" but I know that he would get angry. I guess I shouldn't worry about that. I remember his counselor saying I am to be blunt with him but how blunt. She is no longer his counselor so she won't talk to me.
I know he replays all he has done in the past how many years and yes what he did was down right awful. The way he treated her was so bad. I know he is filled with guilt and shame but he isn't the only one that did that. I wish he would accept it and move on.
At this moment in time, I am at peace in my heart. If he takes his life, I have done all I could have done. He is miserable and has been for a long time. His depression is getting worse. I mentioned talking to his psychiatrist on Tuesday but he said nothing will take away the pain of what he did.

 

[RN0441]

It's almost like he wants to project his pain onto you.

You are right. He has to change this. He can do it when he is sick and tired of living like this.

Prayers that it happens soon for him and you can also have some peace.

 

[tryingtobestrong]

I am nervous tonight. I had called his IOP and left them know again how deep his depression is and that I was very concerned. They tell me that they won't keep the fact that I called from him.... That upsets me. I really feel that will make matters worse if they tell him his mother called..
I will not do that again. I fear he will get angry at me and stop going to IOP.
I rehearse in my head everything I want to say. He has totally changed from the happy guy he was in treatment to the old miserable self although not drinking. He was excited at this weight loss, etc. Now he "does nothing!" as he puts it. So if he wants to let the depression swallow him up and not fight back, then I guess he should continue to "do nothing!"

 

[Elsi]

Trying, if he calls you on it or gets upset, I would just say ‘yes, I did call, because I love you and I’m concerned.’ Don’t get defensive and don’t let him make you feel bad. On some level he might appreciate knowing that, even if he doesn’t show it now. Whether there is an element of manipulation in this or just plain depression, you are doing everything you can. And if he uses this as an excuse to quit IOP that’s on him, not you - anyone who would quit for that reason is not really committed to the program and is just looking for excuses. If it wasn’t this it would be something else.

I feel for him in his depression. Sadly, we all have to go through these ‘dark nights of the soul’ alone. Sending prayers that he will come through this and find a better place soon.

 

[bluebell]

I understand Trying. My son came over last night apparently to eat and shower on his one of two days off. He's working in a pizza place for many many hours at a time - more than he's ever worked in his life - so that he can pay his bills. His father was outside working on his hobby car and son sat down and just said 'I'm losing my mind.' I didn't know what to say. So I said something flippant and stupid. But I care so deeply and feel that I might be losing mine too if I delve too far into his life. This is so hard. But it was harder when he was at home. Thoughts and hugs to you!

 

[Nature]

RN said: We feel their pain more than they do. How true! Lets face it addicts are manipulative and often only think of themselves while we on the otherside have a tremendous amount of pain and heartbreak.

Often our children have numbed their feelings as a result of their addiction and slowly when they emerge they face their past wrongs. As difficult as it is they must sometimes go through the process and it can hit them hard. They start to realize the consequences of their actions and for some it can cause depression. As difficult as it is (yes, I've also rehearsed how I've wanted our conversations to be only for them to not turn out that way at all) perhaps keep your conversation to a minimum with the mindset you are going to say one positive thing and then not discuss anything else as hard as that may be. I've once had an addict tell me their mothers calls would annoy them and they would often "play the dance" where one set off the other and the conversations became long marathons with each trying to convince the other of the benefits of their life. Eventually, the mom's words of I love you and am concerned did hit home with this person. There are no right and wrong answers and what works for some may not work for others. Thinking of you.

 

[tryingtobestrong]

Just wanted to update.... Last week depression was really bad. A new depression medication was added... I know it could not have worked that fast but AS did seem to turn around and was more positive. Went to IOP/AA meetings and did things with his IOP group. Got one reply text on Monday and haven't had any contact since. Birthday was this week. We all sent happy birthday texts, no reply.... Family sent cards/gift- no acknowledgement, no thank you, nothing. I can see AS is alive because I can check his phone records. Just so disheartening. AS did call his grandparents last weekend and they told me AS sounded really really good. Not sure if the birthday was a trigger to make him fall back into depression or what. Just praying he can turn around again from this.