Is it ever to late?

[Wendy23]

Is it ever to late to stop? To stop enabling? I have been doing it for years. I am 60 years old and have been enabling my 28 year old son since he was 14. Now, I live with the knowledge that I helped feed his addiction, with money, keeping him out of trouble, allowing things to go on in my home. The guilt is killing me. I feel like I helped him all this time; how can I just quit?

He tells me everyday, today is the last day I will ask for money, I promise. I give in and the same things repeat day after day. What do I do? Just Stop? I am afraid of what will happen!

 

[Triedntrue]

My son is 36 and i finally cut him off several here have dcs even older. It is in my opinion never the last time they ask for money. They can't stop themselves. They get angry when you tell them no more but if you give in to that it just reinforces the behavior. There is an article on here about detachment i suggest you read. This is not an easy thing to do. Keep reading . my husband says we are taking away his sense of pride in himself by not letting him accomplish on his own. Others will follow . prayers to you.

 

[ksm]

The detachment article is here...in the top 4 posts, right above this post. Try reading get it every day.

I don't know if alcohol or drugs are involved, but attending Al-Anon or Nar-Anon is helpful. Even if it is dealing with a family member who us difficult to be around. It helps you set boundaries, and start living your own life.

Keep coming back! Ksm

 

[Wendy23]

Thank you both for your replies. I just read the article on detachment, I will ready it daily or more when needed.
Drugs are involved, my son is a herion addict. He becomes very agressive (knocks holes in walls, etc) when he does not get what he wants. I guess my greatest fear is him hurting me and me having to get police involved.

 

[Triedntrue]

Your home should be your sanctuary. You can not accept violence in your home even if you do have to get the police involved. You have the right to feel safe in your home. If he is violent there he may be violent other places and they will not hesitate to get the police involved. I don't mean to sound harsh but in my opinion he needs to leave. You can file a protection from abuse order (PFA) and the police will stay while he gets his things. Please be safe!

 

[RN0441]

Wendy:

Welcome.

You need to educate yourself on the disease of addiction. I agree that meetings or a therapist that specializes in addiction can help.

You can love him to death.

Those words are harsh but it's true.

Get help for you. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Prayers and hugs for your strength.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi and welcome, Wendy.

It’s never too late to stop enabling. You know why? Because at some point, it will happen, regardless. We won’t be around forever.

At some point, they need to learn to function without us.

And, your son will never stop taking drugs as long as you give him the money to buy them.

You probably need counseling to help you take that first step. I see that you were here three years ago with this same problem, and it hasn’t gotten any better. You need to do something different if you want different results.

Stay with us, Wendy.

Apple

 

[Wendy23]

Corri,

You are so right! Thank you for being so honest.

I have determined that I am as sick or sicker than he is!

I know what I need to do; but it is so hard. I must change, I do not like confrontation but I must get stronger and stop avoiding it.

I will seek counseling for help!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Wendy, welcome. I'm so sorry you continue to struggle with your son's addiction. It's a difficult journey for parents when our kids go off the rails, for whatever reason. But, it is never too late to stop enabling and take your own life back.

You might try posting on the substance abuse forum as well, the folks there are well versed in addiction issues. A good resource for us is a book called Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie. As others have mentioned, many parents here find solace, support, guidance and information at 12 step groups such as Narc Anon, Families Anonymous, Al Anon and CoDa.

Generally speaking, our adult troubled kids don't change on their own volition, especially if we are enabling them. Why would they? They have all their needs met by us. They have the potential of changing, if we change.......otherwise, nothing changes. To that end, I would strongly encourage you to seek out professional support in a therapist, or a therapist run support group for parents. Look for therapists who are trained in addiction & codependency. It's difficult to pull our selves out of the patterning we've been in......and it is very challenging for most of us to let our kids suffer the consequences of their own choices. However, until people face the consequences of their choices and behavior, there is little incentive for them to change. And until you begin disengaging from your son's choices, stop enabling him and set strong boundaries, unfortunately, your life will remain the same. You have the power to shift this.....take your power back.....take your life back.....

Your son is holding you hostage in your own home by his violent behavior. This is common behavior with addicts..... to ensure they continue status quo, they manipulate, threaten, guilt you, shame you, blame you, push you in any direction they can in order for you to continue enabling them. In order to stop that behavior, it is essential that you get yourself support and learn how to set boundaries around your son's behavior. He will not react well to boundaries, so it is imperative that you create a support network you can utilize as you make the necessary changes. This is where support comes in......their tactics to get us to continue are usually very hard on us because unfortunately our kids are master manipulators and know where our soft spots are.

Detaching from our adult kids behaviors is necessary for our well being, our health and our peace of mind. Your home is indeed your sanctuary..... take it back. You matter. Your feelings, thoughts, desires and needs matter. When we've been enabling our kids for a long time, we forget that we matter too.....we slowly, over time, lose our own lives..... we lose our own health and well being as we put all of our energies into saving our kids. However, we cannot save them. Only they can do that. You didn't cause his addiction, you can't fix it, change it or control it. Only he can. I'd encourage you to put your son in the hands of what you see as your higher power, that helps to soothe our mothers hearts.

Don't bother with the guilt, you've done what most of us here have done, tried with all of our might to save our precious child. But now you've come to the realization that your helping has not helped, so it's time to let go.

Find a good support system as you make the changes necessary. Continue posting. Read books on addiction, codependency and detachment. This is not easy, but it is doable. It sounds as if it is time for you to recapture your joy & your peace of mind.....you deserve that. I'm glad you're here, you're not alone.

 

[Wendy23]

Recovering Enabler: Thank you so much for your post. It gave me hope and you are so correct, we are stuck in a pattern. I have to seek the strength to break the pattern and become responsible and accountable to myself.

 

[New Leaf]

Wendy, I am sorry for your troubles and your need to be here. You have come to a good place to sort things out. There are others before you who have been in similar circumstances, you are not alone in this.
It is never too late to change what is not working for you or for your son.
When there is violence involved and fear, it is important to prepare and seek out safe options.
I have been exposed to violent episodes with my two daughters, their boyfriends and associates. It didn’t start out to be that way. Things escalated with crack and meth abuse. It can be a very frightening experience and heart wrenching as well to see a loved one lose themselves to drugs and rage. It is a huge, uncontrollable adult addict tantrum.
This is unacceptable behavior in our homes.
Do you live alone with your son?
There are outreach programs for seniors.
Please research your options and if your son acts out, leave the house. Stay safe. Addicts on a rampage are unpredictable.
You did not cause this, can’t cure it, or control it. I have learned that giving anything to an addict just enables them to keep drugging.
So I stopped.

Drugs are involved, my son is a herion addict. He becomes very agressive (knocks holes in walls, etc) when he does not get what he wants. I guess my greatest fear is him hurting me and me having to get police involved.

Your safety is imperative. There are steps you can take to protect yourself.
I had to call the police on a few occasions due to violence and child neglect. Addicts don’t like police involved.
Good.
Who calls the police on their own child?
I did, and would do it again in a heartbeat. Why should our adult children be allowed to wreak havoc in our lives due to their drug addiction?
If your son has threatened you, verbally, loomed over you, destroyed property, menaced you, you are a victim of domestic violence. Senior abuse.
If he goads you into giving him money by acting out with violence, this is extortion. It is criminal. Be very careful. Keep your documents and valuables safe, create an escape plan.
I don’t want to sound extreme, but having dealt with the unpredictable circumstances of adult daughters on meth, I know the fear and understand they are capable of doing things in a rage that they wouldn’t do, if they were themselves.
Please stay safe and begin to take steps to freeing yourself from the consequences of your sons choices.
Get help from a counselor, or al anon. Find all the resources you can to untangle yourself from this situation you are in.
You matter, your peace of mind matters.
I am so sorry for your troubles, you are not alone.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Wendy23]

New Leaf thank you for your reply.

Yes, I live alone with my son. His Dad has not had contact with him since he was about 10 years old. His father is an alcoholic. Funny, I divorced his Dad because I did not want him growing up in an abusive home and now that is what we live in.

I will seek outside help. I go to work each day and have a normal life for eight hours or seven, he starts calling wanting money the last hour I am there. If I say no, he will call back to back til I give in. I have managed to keep my job 22 years and do not want to lose it. I think he uses that against me.

 

[recoveringenabler]

You do not have to take his calls at work.
You have options Wendy. You are being manipulated daily by your son.
Seek help. Your son is running the show and you are powerless.
Take your life back.

 

[Acacia]

Wendy, I can so relate to your story, your fear, guilt, and and pain. I am 65 and my son is 32, and he has been difficult since about the same age as your son.
Like you, part of why I have enabled is because of guilt and also fear of how he might act out violently.

It is a terrible way to live - actually no way to live, so I have been working hard through reading, this site, twelve step, and therapy to learn to set boundaries. I know my patterns are routed in the dysfunction of my childhood, but I am determined to break them. I am a much different, healthier person than I was 10 years ago. I still have a long way to go.

You can get there. You can always love your son, but more importantly you can learn to value yourself as much and treat yourself kindly even if that means having no contact with your son until he treats you with respect.

 

[Wendy23]

Thank you Acacia.

I too believe my enabling goes back to my childhood.

My father was an alcoholic and my mother was an enabler. I grew up learning how to put on an appearance that everything was fine to the outside world and never felt as good as others. I learned not to discuss family issues outside of the family. Then when my son started giving me problems, I tried to keep it a secret and deal with it myself.

All of you have been so kind to respond today. It gives me hope! I know it will not be easy but I plan on stopping the flow of money and putting value of myself and my needs.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Wendy23, I'm so glad you found us here. Within these pages you will find much needed support without judgment.

Oh that pesky enabling. No, it's never too late to stop.

He tells me everyday, today is the last day I will ask for money, I promise. I give in and the same things repeat day after day. What do I do? Just Stop? I am afraid of what will happen!

Of course he tells you this will be the last time he asks for money, it's a pattern that has worked well for him. You are 60 years old and should be enjoying your life. Here's the thing, you and I along with all the other parents out there will not be around forever for our difficult adult children. The reality is someday we will die and then what? What will happen? The same thing that will happen while we are still very much alive. Our difficult adult children will have to figure out how to live on their own.

There is a term called the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) The fact that you are here sharing with us tell me you want to come out of the FOG. It can be done. There are many of us here that have made it out of the FOG and are living our lives for ourselves and we are happy. Yes, you too can be happy again.

What do you do? Well that's up to you. Nothing will change unless you change it. My suggestion is to start slow. I also suggest you attend some Al-Anon meetings. You will find others who are also dealing with loved ones who are addicted. If you go to a meeting and it doesn't "fit" try another till you find one that works for you. You don't have to talk, you can just sit and listen.

The main thing is your son will not change unless he want to BUT you can change. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live in your home without and chaos.

Your son, at 28 needs to find his own way. If you decide you don't want him living in your home, please don't look at as you are "kicking him out" look at as you are liberating him to live his own life on his terms.

You have received wonderful advice from those that posted before me.

Stay with us, keep reading, keep posting and keep working on changing what you can.

((HUGS)) to you..................