It all fell apart...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Aug 1, 2018.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Just as I feared, husband and I took our dream vacation (a month in Europe) and younger DGD spiraled out of control. The writing was on the wall before we left, once she had turned 18. We had planned to have an adult spend nights in our home so she could stay here, but DGD wasn't coming home most nights so we nixed that.

    Arrangements were made for her to stay with her dad or her sister. But she stayed with her current boyfriend most of the first one or two weeks. Then her Xbf (who helped her run away as a young teen, introduced her to meth) ended up in jail on 7/4 for domestic violence against his wife. DGD must have bailed him out and picked him up from jail. She kept bringing Xbf to where her sister lived with other roommates, so she had to leave there.

    No one wanted Xbf in their homes, so they started living out of her car. Then a girl, a friend of his wife jumped her and beat her up, breaking her nose and 2 black eyes. He witnessed this, did not intervene, and then left with his wife. She texted me and said it was the worst week of her life. She was broke.

    I emailed her court services officer, he called her in, she was actively high and tested positive for cocaine. He called her dad to pick her up. Things went better when she stayed with her dad. But she got drawn back in to Xbf.

    Now we have been home from vacation for 3 days. She no longer has a job, any money, totalled her car, bruised up from crash, has ticket for reckless driving and disobeying stop sign. I don't know if she was under influence or not. I do know lab was done in the emergency room... I don't know what tests or results.

    I do know that she has been manipulated by this creep. We have set firm boundaries. He is not allowed on our property. We have declined when she asks for a ride, if it involves him going along. NO money. No food...unless she comes to our house and eats it here. No taking leftovers with her. She told us... If I eat, he eats. If he can't eat, I won't eat. We Didn't budge. Neither did DGD.

    It's so hard... But we will stand our ground. I am having problems sleeping... Partially because of jet lag but mostly because i can't turn off my brain.

    I am hoping and praying he gets locked up when he goes to court in a few days for domestic violence. His wife ended up admitted to hospital for two days after he beat her. But she still went back to him. This has been a wash, rinse, repeat cycle for 4 years between DGD, his girlfriend/now wife, and this POS...

  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh I am so sorry you had to come back to all this. Sounds like you're handling everything just right. Do your best to focus on the wonderful memories you have from your vacation! Hope you took lots of pictures!
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so sorry you came home to such chaos.

    I agree with @CrazyinVA to try and focus on the memories of your trip. Do not allow your daughter to steal the joy of your dream vacation. I'm assuming you took lots of pictures, look at those pictures every day, go back to those places, remember the feeling you had while there.

    Although you are shaken by this, you are also very strong and have your boundaries firmly in place. You are doing great!!
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    My boundaries are probably harder to build than Trumps Border Wall. Sorry about the warped humor. But, It had to be erected fast...I hope there is an opening so that she will eventually come back to my side of it.

    Today, she actually called, begging me to give him and her a ride to the court house as the alarm on her phone didn't go off and if he doesn't show up...he will gave a warrant for his arrest. (It's 18 blocks) Then she added if she didn't get there, too, there would be one for her "because if some stupid :censored2: she did". I told her if I would be near him, there would be a warrant out for me, too.

    I wonder if she just added stuff about her, to make it more feasible that I might help them both. Next week she has court...I am assuming for the car accident. In have searched the county website, and I see no legal charges, except for the car accident.

    Oh, and here is the another reason I won't do anything that will help him... While we were on vacation, I found three videos in my google photo account...that were sexually explicit. I thought my phone had been hacked!

    Turns out they shot videos with my old phone (no phone service on it) and it up loaded to my account when they logged on to the Internet. Then they broke up and he had the phone. I told her to get it back. Or I would report it as stolen and that he had it. She did. Then I told her to delete the sex tapes. Boy was she shocked and embarrassed.

    Last week, he screen shot a FB conversation with another girl...wanting to kick it with her.

    I know I need to let go of this anger... It's not healthy for me... But it's been 4 years of hell...countless mental health Appts.psychologists, inpt treatment, out pt treatments, medicines, thousands of miles of gas and wear and tear on my car, torn window screens from her running away, copays, court appointments...sleepless nights...driving around all night long trying to find her...doing room searches...finding drugs and paraphranalia.

    She's only been 18 for 6 weeks... Ksm
  5. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    A wife beater doesn't deserve to be fed and chauffeured around. Make it clear to her that fooling around with a married man is something you atenar going to help her do. Why shpush you cook or pay for his food? Let his body get weak enough that he cannot physically beat his wife. Does your daughter think she is immune to him beating her? She will be the next woman he beats up. He needs to be in jail, so tell her you're not giving him a ride to court.

    I'm really sorry your daughter has fallen into his control.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh boy KSM. You have been through the proverbial ringer, doing everything you possible can to help your two daughters.
    When my eldest turned 18, she dove head first into the rabbit hole. I made her leave the house and she ended up with a gangster type boyfriend, he treated her terribly, she drifted and couch surfed. When they broke up, he left a dead kitten in her bag. GULP. It turns my stomach to write that. Yup. He ended up in California, victim of a drive by shooting. My daughter is attracted to low lifes. Sigh.
    Both of them.
    The wall. I work hard at building it and maintaining hope without expectations, and stopping myself from teetering over the bottomless pit they live in.
    It is a series of chaos and despicable choices that I have no control over.
    Tornado has been trying to reach me from jail, I have decided to try and speak with her, but the automated system is quirky and doesn’t work to add my credit card. Maybe that is fate stepping in.
    I expect more of the same “get me out of here”
    I think the anger is part of the grieving we go through not only for the choices our d cs make, but for the precious time we spent, and lost, trying to save them from themselves. So, feel what you need to feel and let it out in healthy ways. We are only human after all.
    You are one tough cookie. I am glad that you were able to go on your dream trip. How awesome! So sorry for the Jerry Springer stuff you came home to.
    I have to learn from my well children to sigh and roll my eyeballs and say “Typical!”
    That’s what they do with the latest version of crazy my two get themselves into.
    Hang in there sis, circling the wagons and praying for your peace of mind. I have realized that no matter my reaction, my two will do what they wish. Staying steady state and focusing on my own well being has been the mission.
    It is a work in progress.
    I hope you are able to keep moving forward and stay strong.
    18 for 6 weeks. Wow. Brings back memories.
    It’s amazing what they can get themselves into.
    So sorry for the sting of it. Keep working on that wall, and maintain those boundaries. You are not alone.
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  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Well said Leafy! I agree 100%
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  8. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    KSM - sorry to hear you had to come back to all of this (or maybe even knew about it while you were away). This is not the way you hoped to celebrate DGD's 18th birthday. You've been on the emotional roller-coaster for many years. It is really good that you have been able to set firm boundaries.

    I am really happy that you were able to get away with your husband on a dream vacation. We did ours last year and I stressed about the "what ifs" before we left. We put as much in place as we could (protect the property, etc.) in case our daughter tried to break in but at the end of the day, we were really tired of being a hostage in our own house - staying home because of...."what ifs". We had a wonderful trip (with only 1 very nasty email that I quickly deleted). I look back at the photos one year later and think, "When can we go again?" Your photos can keep your dreams alive.

    I agree with everyone - the XBF is pure evil but has some kind of hold over DGD. What woman wants someone else's trash? I don't get it. Sounds like there is a true triangle there: XBF/XBF wife/DGD. I'm sure that neither the XBF or his wife are going to help DGD. Too bad she doesn't see it.

    Keep the wall up - don't backslide. Your boundaries are totally reasonable.

    Hugs to you!
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  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    KSM I am so sorry to hear this.

    From my viewpoint, SHE is the problem and not the ex boyfriend.

    She is not dealing with her issues of substance abuse and whatnot. I am sorry if that is not the right thing to say but until she deals with HER issues nothing will get better for her.

    This is very hard to watch, I know.

    I would not let her use my home as a revolving door no matter what. She is young but I do hope that she sees how her decisions are poorly affecting her life. When she gets sick and tired of it, then she may change.

    Please take care of yourself and hubby.
  10. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    i am so so sorry you had to come back to this. Please take care of yourselves and hold firm to your boundaries. This is on them, not you. Hugs!
  11. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Her case worker told me they met for an hour today. She took her to her court supervision officer appointment. unfortunately her court appointment ends soon. She was 16 when the court deemed her a "child in need of care."

    I emailed the court officer (she had no legal charges, so it's technically not probation) and told her I had heard things from other parents that she was spinning out of control. He called her in for a UA and she was actively high on cocaine. He called my son to pick her up.

    But there was no consequences. No extension of supervision. Her case closes this month...even though the judge knows she took cocaine two weeks ago. SMH.

    Luckily, the case worker, told me that DGD is talking and sharing much more with her. We agree that I will not get involved in any way with Xbf at all. No rides, no help.

    She says they have court at 4pm. Well, he does and she's going with him. I hope he gets locked up.

  12. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    6 months probation. That's all for beating up his wife.

    No wonder things keep happening. There really are no consequences for horrible behavior.

  13. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am sorry that your daughter puts herself and you in this situation. I agree with your boundaries it would be foolish to give him rides he is violent who is to say he won't hurt you. Try to focus on your wonderful trip. Prayers are with you.
  14. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Tired Mama... I am more concerned about hurting him, than getting hurt. I have carried a baseball bat in my car for several years. I saw a meme once, tharpt if you keep a bat in your car, you should also have a ball and glove. It said your attorney will thank you.

    All kidding aside...if he ever hurts her...he had better never sleep.

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  15. overcome mom

    overcome mom Member

    So sorry to hear what you have been through. I just retired and my husband and I are planning some big trips but I am always concerned that I crisis will happen and/or the house will get broken into. I just today got a new video camera. I am now working hard on setting my limits and detaching. He is in jail now and will probably get out during one of our trips. I have to keep telling myself that he is responsible for what happens when he gets out and have a good time. I really admire you for going. Hang in there I hope she can get away from the ex and deal with her drug problem.
  16. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    KSM, I'm so sorry your post-vacation time has turned into this. What a shame she cannot see him for the low-life scum he is. I will never understand women who stay with abusive men. My first husband was emotionally abusive and controlling, but he never hit me, even during our worst fights, even when I slapped HIM. I think he knew that would be the one thing that would make me leave. This XBF is bad news for sure. He puts his wife in the hospital and that is no little thing. I'm sure you're scratching your head too.

    Hang in there. You have set perfectly reasonable boundaries and she has to respect them...or not come around. I know it sounds so much easier than it is.

    I'm very glad I had a boy right now.
  17. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Agree. Sometimes it's good to have the inside track. Keep us posted.
  19. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Their relationship is official. Facebook said so. You know it's bad when there is as many laughing emojis than likes...

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  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Ksm. I am sorry this is happening. Again.
    I agree with RN.

    However horrible is this man, it is she who is putting herself into the situation to be abused and manipulated by him. Our children, yes, have their limits. But there is danger in the world too. And they are responsible to learn to recognize that danger and to protect themselves from predators.

    She cannot be absolved from that responsibility. Because she will be forever vulnerable. For her, like for everybody, there are things that can be done. And you cannot be forever responsible. She must assume some of that. And she seems to not be ready.

    That is very, very hard. That is the situation in which I find myself. My son is more than a decade older than is your daughter. And I was unable to accept until recently the words I write here: that I cannot appropriately and effectively protect him from his life. That that has to come from him. Or not. And to keep trying to do this for him, leads to a state where I am consumed, my energy is consumed, my resources are consumed...and in identity is consumed. And that this is a choice.

    It took me to the brink of disaster (my own) to recognize that THERE IS NOT ONE THING I CAN DO. And I cannot make him want for himself, what I want for him. It is my want to deal with.

    That I was always there for my son to make pit stops, when low on food, without housing, rejected by friends no longer willing to deal with him...did not help him. Forcing him into treatment he did not want...making conditions he ignored...once he was out of sight....I was acting from my want and need. Not his.

    What I am saying here is that this man is a bad man, changes not one thing. She is the one who is ultimately making the choices. And if her choice is to not exert any responsibility over who she is with and who will hurt her, and how--that is a choice.

    I do not know the answer. Because we seem to need to engage with them, until we no longer can anymore. Due to health, despair, acute danger, depletion of resources, whatever. We stop.
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2018