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It still hurts......He's my blood.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 599471" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>1000sunsets, welcome. I am so sorry you had to go looking for us, but glad that you found us. You are not alone, there are many of us here who share a similar story. My story is very much like yours except my daughter is 40, is not a substance abuser, likely a personality disorder or mental illness...........but in any case, I am in the same shoes. I get exactly how you are feeling, I know how much we try and try to save them and how much pain they cause by the choices they make. Especially when we are manipulated, lied to, disrespected and abused. I am also raising my granddaughter, who is now 17. I think it's a wonderful idea to get legal permanent guardianship or custody of your grandson, he is where to put your focus now.</p><p></p><p>The most difficult part of this journey is detaching from the lives they lead and to stop enabling them. Don't judge yourself harshly, there are few among us who haven't traveled the same road you have. We keep trying believing our love, our amazing will, our strength and our money will somehow change their lives, make them whole, heal them, make a difference..............but it doesn't. They have to step up to the plate, they have to want to change, they have to do all the work, NOT US. You cannot save your son. You cannot change him. You cannot fix him, or control him or heal him or do anything, you are absolutely powerless to enact any changes and that is one hard nut to crack for us.</p><p></p><p>I am really sorry you are in the place you are in, it is a devastating experience on every level. I would encourage you to read the article at the bottom of my post on detachment. It helps. I would also encourage you to seek out help, either al-anon, nar-anon, codependents anonymous, private therapy, parent groups, any kind of support you feel will work for you and your wife because the two of you need to heal too. You also need to completely shift your ideas of parenting your son, he is not like your two daughters, you need to distance yourself from him. Your grandson like my granddaughter as well, needs to have a safe, loving environment in which to grow and thrive and with his parents disrupting his life continually, that will not happen. </p><p></p><p>Over a period of time I have distanced myself from my only child, it has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I would not wish this on anyone, it is a treacherous landscape filled with bombs which explode unexpectedly and knock you off balance with the choices and drama our adult kids bring to us. Don't blame yourself, give up the guilt, that really only serves the purpose of keeping you doing more for your son when you likely should be moving away and doing nothing. These are your sons choices, not yours, he made the bad choices and unfortunately, you and your wife are paying the price, on every level. </p><p></p><p>Detachment is a process, we do it incrementally as we let go of our parental fears and desires for them, our dreams for them and our guilt that perhaps we could have done SOMETHING to make this turn out differently. You can't do anything to fix your son's life, that's the really hard part, <strong>you can't do anything.</strong> Accepting that is a real big bummer, but you must accept it, or you will ride around on this hamster wheel for eternity relentlessly trying to change something you have no power to change. Sigh. I know, I've tried it all and none of it worked.</p><p></p><p>Learn to detach, learn to stop enabling, learn to forgive yourself, learn to accept what is, get you and your wife in supportive environments where you can hear others speak YOUR story. Learn tools to disengage from the drama. I got myself into therapy which focused on codependency, it was extremely helpful. I attended groups where other parents had similar experiences. I went to codependent anonymous groups in my town, I saw myself in all their stories. I read books. I joined this forum. I was determined to bring peace and joy back into my life in spite of my daughter's drama and negative choices. I was determined to offer my innocent granddaughter a shot at a life which was normal and safe and loving. It took some time, but I am okay. We are all okay. There is life after our kids mess up their lives.....................go grab yours and enjoy it. Your grandson is fortunate to have you. God bless you too. I am glad you're here, keep posting, it really helps to get it all out on the page and to get others who can really empathize to respond to you. It's a powerful place to heal. Welcome.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 599471, member: 13542"] 1000sunsets, welcome. I am so sorry you had to go looking for us, but glad that you found us. You are not alone, there are many of us here who share a similar story. My story is very much like yours except my daughter is 40, is not a substance abuser, likely a personality disorder or mental illness...........but in any case, I am in the same shoes. I get exactly how you are feeling, I know how much we try and try to save them and how much pain they cause by the choices they make. Especially when we are manipulated, lied to, disrespected and abused. I am also raising my granddaughter, who is now 17. I think it's a wonderful idea to get legal permanent guardianship or custody of your grandson, he is where to put your focus now. The most difficult part of this journey is detaching from the lives they lead and to stop enabling them. Don't judge yourself harshly, there are few among us who haven't traveled the same road you have. We keep trying believing our love, our amazing will, our strength and our money will somehow change their lives, make them whole, heal them, make a difference..............but it doesn't. They have to step up to the plate, they have to want to change, they have to do all the work, NOT US. You cannot save your son. You cannot change him. You cannot fix him, or control him or heal him or do anything, you are absolutely powerless to enact any changes and that is one hard nut to crack for us. I am really sorry you are in the place you are in, it is a devastating experience on every level. I would encourage you to read the article at the bottom of my post on detachment. It helps. I would also encourage you to seek out help, either al-anon, nar-anon, codependents anonymous, private therapy, parent groups, any kind of support you feel will work for you and your wife because the two of you need to heal too. You also need to completely shift your ideas of parenting your son, he is not like your two daughters, you need to distance yourself from him. Your grandson like my granddaughter as well, needs to have a safe, loving environment in which to grow and thrive and with his parents disrupting his life continually, that will not happen. Over a period of time I have distanced myself from my only child, it has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I would not wish this on anyone, it is a treacherous landscape filled with bombs which explode unexpectedly and knock you off balance with the choices and drama our adult kids bring to us. Don't blame yourself, give up the guilt, that really only serves the purpose of keeping you doing more for your son when you likely should be moving away and doing nothing. These are your sons choices, not yours, he made the bad choices and unfortunately, you and your wife are paying the price, on every level. Detachment is a process, we do it incrementally as we let go of our parental fears and desires for them, our dreams for them and our guilt that perhaps we could have done SOMETHING to make this turn out differently. You can't do anything to fix your son's life, that's the really hard part, [B]you can't do anything.[/B] Accepting that is a real big bummer, but you must accept it, or you will ride around on this hamster wheel for eternity relentlessly trying to change something you have no power to change. Sigh. I know, I've tried it all and none of it worked. Learn to detach, learn to stop enabling, learn to forgive yourself, learn to accept what is, get you and your wife in supportive environments where you can hear others speak YOUR story. Learn tools to disengage from the drama. I got myself into therapy which focused on codependency, it was extremely helpful. I attended groups where other parents had similar experiences. I went to codependent anonymous groups in my town, I saw myself in all their stories. I read books. I joined this forum. I was determined to bring peace and joy back into my life in spite of my daughter's drama and negative choices. I was determined to offer my innocent granddaughter a shot at a life which was normal and safe and loving. It took some time, but I am okay. We are all okay. There is life after our kids mess up their lives.....................go grab yours and enjoy it. Your grandson is fortunate to have you. God bless you too. I am glad you're here, keep posting, it really helps to get it all out on the page and to get others who can really empathize to respond to you. It's a powerful place to heal. Welcome. [/QUOTE]
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