It's been 2 years...New trauma old feelings?

[tishthedish]

Hi everyone,
I found myself on this site because I am hurting and the gentle back and forth and collective wisdom always fortify me.

We are still estranged from my elder son. It has been 2 years since we have seen or heard from him. I think he is homeless. I sometimes succumb to severe sadness over the situation. I have to yank myself back like a mother would grab a toddler by the collar from running into a busy street. I love him and cannot abide him. I cannot see this changing anytime soon. I had said that if living parallel lives and never being in touch is how we are meant to live our lives than I can stand it, just so long as he's ok. Until I hear otherwise, I am imagining he is. Some days are harder than others.

My younger son continues in recovery and is 4 years sober. He lives on his own, is doing well at his job and has a nice girlfriend. He took full responsibility for his autistic son and became a warrior for him. It made me proud to see him grow as a dad and as a man. My grandson is now in residential care in a wonderful place. His aggression and hyperactivity is so severe that it is the only solution for the time being. He comes home every other weekend and then we go to see him on the weekends he stays at school. It is hard to have him away, but my son could not handle him any longer. It got to the point where school was calling the rescue squad and police. He was hospitalized to try to regulate his medications. Once we could no longer keep him or his caretakers safe, it was time to seek a new solution. We are fortunate we found one within 1.5 hours of our home.

My husband is within 2 years of retirement and is looking forward to his well earned leisure. I am still finding my way around life. I have my ups and downs, work my 12 step programs (OA and Al-Anon) and try to keep out of trouble so I don't have to spend any more of my time in program rooms. There are only so many days in a week.

I am struggling today. My elder sister was in a bad car accident and has been hospitalized since 7/23. She is on a ventilator and every day is a roller coaster. A week ago her husband collapsed and he is another hospital awaiting angioplasty. She doesn't know of his travails. I don't know how much her cognition has been compromised. They keep weaning her from the vent and then she goes back, but is never off long enough to resume speaking. It's a grim situation and I am raw emotionally from it.

That's what brought me back. I haven't felt this shaky in a long time and because the sand is shifting beneath my feet all sorts of emotions are roiling around inside me. Anger, guilt, judgement, fear, regret....you name it, not just towards my current situation but from the past. Towards my troubled son, towards my improved son, towards my grandson. It's as if someone roto-tilled my hard won peace of mind. Why is this old stuff coming back from an unrelated trauma? It's damn scary. If it doesn't stop I am going to have to find my cape. Crap.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Others will be along soon, but in the meantime.....It is wonderful to see your name again, although not under great circumstances.

I am so very sorry this happened with your eldest sister and the accident.

You have way more going on than many of us. All I know is the anger, fear, guilt, regret, etc. is undeserved and totally not helpful for you or your loved ones.

Until wiser folks log in, let us know how you are (gently & meaningfully) taking care of yourself. Each and every day.

Stick with us, please.

SS

 

[Copabanana]

Why is this old stuff coming back from an unrelated trauma?

Dear Tish:

I am so sorry you have been through so much. It just keeps coming at you. I have to say first, selfishly how happy that I was to see your name.

I am so very sorry about your older son, and your sister. I wish for you, your husband and your son (and grandson) that grandson had been safe to be at home. I question, too, why life can be so hard.

I think you touch on part of the answer in your post. Your younger son has met the challenges that have been put in front of him. From deep love and responsibility he has reached inside of him and up to G-d for strength, and he has become a wonderful man, a wonderful father and son. If not for struggle, where would we be?

You ask why these unrelated traumas trigger us so. I do not know much but I experience the same as you. I am learning that the body is a reservoir of old hurts. There is a book called "The body keeps score." The idea is that trauma is stored physically, only to be reactivated in stressful times.

I have begun a therapy called somatic experiencing which utilizes touch to release the stored body experience, and to give the body/mind a chance by releasing this pain, to find more adaptive ways to deal with experience. The theory is that many of us have maladaptive ways to deal with the stressors that come at us because we have guarded ourselves, and are held back based upon old patterns.

It is hard to explain in words.

Al I know is I am the same as you. There are things that happen that I should be able to handle, that cognitively I understand and I try to put into perspective. But I am overcome with emotion that is disabling and intolerable. All I want is for it to stop. I go to bed. I try to turn the radio on loud so as to drown out the internal stimuli. I try to focus on soothing things. It is a struggle to get from one hour to the next. And this keeps on, even if I know, like you do that what is coming up for me is related to the past not the present.

But then it stops. The pain stops. It is like the sun comes out from the clouds. The body pain stops. The internal hammer stops. Gosh. Thank G-d.

We have begun here on the forum to talk about this as turning the channel. There is an escape. There is light to be found. Within us. Whether through meditation or prayer or exercise (or??)….we turn the page. For a few hours, a day, or more.

The thing is Tish anybody (ANYBODY) would be suffering with the onslaught you have suffered. It is really too much. Anybody would beg for respite. And be asking why?

There is no why. At least none that we can know.

None of us when the chips are down has control over what comes at us. It is only to deal and to try best as we can to not abandon or turn against ourselves. That is very hard. Because I think the default is to seek a culprit. And more likely as not we end up pointing the finger at ourselves. Our egos and superegos indict US. It is this vendetta that has to stop. I am learning to try to STOP with the stories. These inner tapes we play ARE NOT OUR FRIENDS.

It is like we are out there with our pitchforks in the night with torches looking for the bad guy. And when we do not find him, we turn the pitchforks on ourselves. It does not have to be that way. We can call off the dogs.

Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes over and over again. Sometimes it feels it never will stop. But it will. But first we have to try to stop it in ourselves. The part of ourselves that turns against us.

I am glad you are back. But oh so sorry that you are suffering.

Others will come soon and they will understand. And they (I hope) will be able to put into words what I am trying to say. I know every single one of them has suffered this way and they will know how to help you to get it to stop.

I just wanted to let you know how much I care. And how much I understand. I am praying for you that you have peace and rest very, very soon (like now.)

PS The two major names that write about somatic understanding of trauma are Peter Levine and Van der Kolk, I think is his name. The former is a psychologist, the latter, a psychiatrist. Both write books.

 

[Beta]

Tish, I am so sorry for the stress, grief, and sadness you are feeling right now. Your words about your eldest son really resonated with me. My husband and I have only begun this last year a long, tedious journey into the wilderness of Bipolar Disorder with our eldest son. He is adopted, 28 yo, and lives in Denver. We think he may be homeless, but we don't know for sure because he is suspicious and paranoid of us and won't tell us anything. We receive long text messages many days where he rants and raves against us, calling us every name in the book. He refuses to see that he is sick--according to him--we are the problem. We love him---and we "hate" him at the same time. We hate what he has become--someone we would want nothing to do with if he were not our son.
Some days we are able to live out our lives and feel happy and upbeat; other days we are sad, weary, and beaten down by it all. We literally beg God to rescue our son and restore him. I too have been comforted many times by the other moms and dads on this forum, and I thank God I found it.
On a more positive note, what a tremendously happy thing to hear about the turnaround in your younger son's life. That's amazing and wonderful, and I rejoice with you.

 

[Smithmom]

Nothing I can say that others haven't or that you haven't said to yourself. Go for the lifelines, your husband and younger son. I'm sure they've leaned on you and now it's time to reverse that.

As for your grandson...I have some suggestions when you have more time and clarity to focus on him. There is hope there. But right now he's stable and others aren't.

Suggest you focus on one issue at a time. It sounds like you're overwhelmed which means its time to prioritize and focus on one or two of the many issues. You are top focus, your own programs. Second you need to choose though it sounds like it may be your sister. Perhaps there is some kind of comfort you can offer to her that would also help you through this. Perhaps you could just sit with her reading to her, talking to her, singing or just playing her favorite music. Grief is at many levels, for what she can't do now, her uncertain future, her missing husband,...whether she feels this too or its just your grief, being with her may help both of you. You can't do anything for your oldest. Nothing minute to minute for your grandson. But for yourself and your sister perhaps you can, perhaps that is where your time and focus should be. These are just my thoughts from the very limited information I know.

 

[Elsi]

Tish, I am so sorry you are facing so much right now. Sometimes it feels like life just throws everything at us at once. Anyone would have a hard time coping with everything coming at you right now.

It sounds like you are already doing the right things - support groups, leaning on your husband, building positive relationships and memories with your son in recovery and grandson. So I don't really have any advice for you - the crises you are facing right now with your sister and brother in law are things you just have to endure and get through right now. I am so sorry, and I hope things start looking up for all of you.

I understand the sadness you are feeling over your estranged son. I hope you can let go of the guilt, anger and regret over the past. I don't know your story but you clearly are a mother and grandmother who loves her family and has endured through some very tough situations. Be gentle with yourself right now. Lean on your supports. Ask for help where you need it. Write your feelings here and get them out. Focus on the things in front of you that need your time and attention right now, and let the rest go, as much as you are able.

Hugs to you and your family.

 

[BusynMember]

Take this to heart.

Most kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), which is considered a developmental delay, improve with age. How much they do is up for grabs. But almost all improve and I have high hopes for your grandson.

Tish, I dont know what to say about how everything seemed to happen at once. Try to stay healthy, eat well, sleep and take care of yourself. This will make it a tad better for you as you tread the murky waters. Obviously, this is all very stressful and hard. I am sorry.

Hoping for some great turnarounds very quickly. Prayers for all. Huge kudos for your younger son. He is a rock star

 

[Triedntrue]

I agree with others before me and will pray that your burdens are eased. Take care of yourself treat yourself to a day away from all of the problems if you can.