It's been a while...

LauraH

Well-Known Member
Since I've been here. Between me learning how to detach and stop trying to be a helicopter mom to a 31-year-old bipolar meth addict and the fact that my son has, up until recently, been doing well with work and recovery, things have been pretty smooth sailing. He's been in a relationship with someone who seems to be a really good guy who truly cares about my son and has done more for him probably any other relationship he's ever been in. Oh I forgot to mention that he went back to Chicago in March, shortly after his birthday.

But I'm starting to see red flags when we talk. Up until the last couple of weeks he calls me several times a day, nearly every day, almost to the point of being annoying. But one thing I've learned is that I'm not a bad mother if I don't drop what I'm doing to answer the phone whenever he calls. If I'm in the middle of something where I can't stop right then I call him back as soon as I finish what I'm doing or get to a stopping point. But now the calls are fewer and farther between and the last few days when I call him I get "I can't talk right now, I'll call you back" and then doesn't. I haven't really talked to him in two or three days.

He's had what appeared to be a really good work-from-home job in a call center for a local credit union. I think he started in August or September. It's typical of him to start losing interest in whatever his current job is after 2 - 3 months, and this one seems to be no exception. He's started taking anywhere from a half day to 2 or 3 days PTO a week (not sure how he's accrued that much PTO in just a couple of months) He also said that he's been making mistakes more frequently but hasn't gotten any feedback on that from his supervisor. So I feel like his job may be in jeopardy but if it is, he's not sharing that with me.

He told me his doctor put him on some different anti-anxiety medications, and I'm not certain about that either. But I know when we talk on the phone he sounds like he's completely stoned, his words are slurred and he sounds like an old phonograph record played at an extremely slow speed. I questioned if he had relapsed on the meth or heroin and he got defensive. But like I told my husband, if I asked him if he was relapsing and he wasn't, he would feel insulted and get defensive. If he WAS relapsing he would ACT insulted and offensive, although would probably later admit that I was right. Anyway, I asked him once a couple of weeks ago, he said no, and I never mentioned it again even though my intuition tells me he probably is.

He's also mentioned issues in his relationship but as far as I know hasn't moved on or ended it as of yet. He never sent me his partner's phone number so if my son is in the process of going dark like he did the first time he was in Chicago I still have no one to reach out to. I do have his NA sponsor's phone number so at least there's that.

And my son tends to have "holiday meltdown" even when he was a kid. Back then it was temper tantrums and angry defiant outbursts, but as an adult it's drugs and god knows what else. So I think Christmas being around the corner could have a lot to do with what's going on as well.

But after all that, the good news for me is that I can't waste my time speculating about what might or might not be going on in my son's life. If he's doing stupid things and making stupid choices again, either he will tell me when he feels like it or I'll get "that call that no parent ever wants to get." But in the meantime, although I am concerned about him, "no news is good news." and I just have to maintain my distance and live my own life. So yeah, I think I have come a long way. Basically I can't let myself get too happy and proud when he does good because it won't last. But I also can't let myself get devastated when he's not doing well, because that won't last either (although it does seem like the bad lasts much longer than the good. Maybe because doing good requires more hard work than doing bad? And my son seems to have an aversion to hard work on an ongoing basis!)

Anyway I hope everyone is doing well or as well as can be hoped under your individual circumstances. I'm going to try and catch up on what's going on with you all, especially the ones I've interacted with in the past. Thanks for listening to another long drawn out chapter in the saga of my son's life story!
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Hi Laura, we haven’t chatted before but welcome back!
Much of what you just wrote resonated with me. You son sounds similar to mine. Mine doesn’t take meth but lots of the other things you wrote are familiar to me, especially the part about not getting too hopeful or proud in the good times. Sigh. I hope your son is okay but even more than that I hope you are okay or at the very least can ride out the storm if/when it comes.
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
Hi Laura, we haven’t chatted before but welcome back!
Much of what you just wrote resonated with me. You son sounds similar to mine. Mine doesn’t take meth but lots of the other things you wrote are familiar to me, especially the part about not getting too hopeful or proud in the good times. Sigh. I hope your son is okay but even more than that I hope you are okay or at the very least can ride out the storm if/when it comes.
Thank you, I am doing well. I learned a long time ago, in part because of this wonderful forum, that I have zero control over what my son does or his outcomes. I have learned to stay out of his personal business unless he invites me in...which clearly he won't if he is relapsing. If I think about all the possible "what ifs" I will make myself crazy. So unless I hear otherwise, I will go on the theory that "no news is good news" even when my heart and gut tell me otherwise, and deal with outcomes when and if they happen.

A couple of years ago I came to the sad realization that my son will probably never grow up and be a fully functioning adult, and that he will go through recovery and relapse on an ongoing basis for the rest of his life. I don't have much to leave behind when my time comes, but I have a couple of investments that are tiny in the real world but a fortune in his. If I go first, my husband gets everything, but if I survive my husband, I have set up a trust through a family member where he won't get handed a lump sum of money or assets...because he would be broke within in a month or so, knowing him. He doesn't know about this arrangement, and I'm guessing he's going to be shocked, surprised, and outraged when he finds out. I did tell the family member that if my son gets belligerent or threatening over the setup that she has my blessing just to give him everything (whatever that might entail), wash her hands of him, and just let the chips fall where they may. She said she would never do that, but I know how my son can be and I wouldn't blame her one bit.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Welcome back Laura,

You sound like you have a very healthy outlook on your son's life. I think it's even best that you don't talk as often. When my son was not living with us - out supposed to be getting himself together - I did not even want to talk to him or hear from him. That sounds so awful but I just needed to shake him off.

Your son is 31 years old. It's long past the time for him to grow up. None of us ever know what the future holds. I had so many ups and downs with our son that I did not think he'd ever live a normal life and now he is. When I get frustrated with his progress I have to take myself back to where we were and then I am more than thankful for where he is now. I really thought he'd fried his brain but he's getting A's in his classes with not much effort on his part.

Just keep praying for your son to make good choices and for you to have peace. We only get this one life and we have to make the best of it!

Cyber hugs!
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
Thanks, RN, I let go of my son a long time ago. His "two steps forward, ten steps backward" pattern doesn't show any signs of changing. When he's doing well I tell him how proud I am of him, but when he goes back down the rabbit hole I withhold comment because he wouldn't want to hear it anyway and it would just create friction. Whatever he's doing right now, whether it's good or bad, he'll have to deal with the consequences with no help from me. He's at least learned that much, that Bank of Mom is out of business for good. When he's in a bad place he at least does what he needs to do to survive, including Medicaid and food stamps. And he knows not to call me when he's broke. I'm actually remembering a post from a while ago where I was worried because I hadn't heard from him in a while...and someone said maybe he's respecting the boundary that I set where I told him I would not talk to him if he was using or detoxing from using. That's a double edged sword, because that leads me to believe that he is using again, but also good that he's respecting my boundaries.
Up until the last several days our phone calls have been congenial, friendly, and mutually respectful. Then just a few days before he stopped calling I noticed that he was slipping back into his old habit of arguing, contradicting, or correcting. I should have seen the writing on the wall. What's different now is that aside from a text I sent him asking for his partner's last name and their address because I want to send them a little something for Christmas, and telling him I need to share what happened at my doctor's appointment yesterday, I won't be trying to contact him again. The ball is in his court, I'll hear from him when I hear from him, and I'm not going to stress over it in the meantime.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with COVID but glad it wasn't as bad as it could be. Wishing you and your husband speedy and full recoveries.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I know how hard it is to let go the first time. I couldn't do it and only when I realized I may lose my husband if I continued to put everyone else aside for Kay did I. I'm so glad I did. I was literally throwing away myself and all my other lived ones for Kay. And she didn't get any better.

Prayers and hugs.
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
I couldn't do it and only when I realized I may lose my husband if I continued to put everyone else aside for Kay did I. I'm so glad I did.
I think you were on the forum back when I was in a similar boat. I don't know if your husband is Kay's dad but my husband is not my son's father, which made it that much more difficult. I nearly lost my husband (before he was my husband) due to my son's erratic and volatile behavior and no way was I going to risk my marriage and losing the one person that loves me unconditionally and has my back always for my son, whom I love, but would throw me under the bus in a second if it suited his purposes. I am so glad that you realized that no matter how much you love Kay, sacrificing your marriage would solve nothing and probably make your relationship with Kay even worse than it already is. God bless.
 

in a daze

Well-Known Member

couple of years ago I came to the sad realization that my son will probably never grow up and be a fully functioning adult, and that he will go through recovery and relapse on an ongoing basis for the rest of his life.

This...

we are planning to set up a Special Needs trust for our son with his sister as administrator.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Kay is adopted so she is ours. I would never put our Kay in front of my husband. Kay would also throw me under the bus...has many times. It's so hard. Peace and prayers.
 

overcome mom

Active Member
Laura, you son sounds a lot like mine. He also has mental illness and a meth problem, the difference is my son cannot seem to hold a job for more than 5 weeks. He also does things against the law to get money, writing bad checks, selling drugs etc. We set up a special needs trust with a bank as the trustee. It could be a fair amount of money and we didn't want to have to put any family member through the torture of trying to deal with my son begging for money. We set it up so he gets so much a month and can get more if he needs it for rehab. We even set up how much he would get if a month if he is incarcerated. We have someone who will deal with all of our personal effects. He does not know this and I have gone back and forth about telling him. My husband says sometimes he thinks he is just waiting for us to die to get our money although he has never said anything to that effect. He too would spend it all in a short time and probably do something to get in trouble with law or some many drugs he will kill himself.
I can also tell when he is using. He then only calls for money. If he is doing well he will call just to talk and tells me what happened during his day.
 
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