It's been a while

MarCar

New Member
My son is homeless, it's has caused me a lot of depression, and weight gain. I felt a lot of mom guilt, maybe there was more we could have done to help him, but we couldn't, he doesn't want help, and I can't save him, but how I wish I could. I went to a therapist and that has helped but it's still hard and I stay away from places I might see him, and I ask family and friends not to tell me if they see him. At this point, I feel I need to take care of my mental health, but I feel guilty about that too, putting myself first.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi. I happen to have gotten up from sleeping, although it is only 4am here. I read this and empathize. I was there once too.

Through therapy and Nar Anon I learned that it is good, kind and compassionate of me to put myself first so that I can heal from my own addiction...that of the urge to fix and help my addicted daughter. I can't fix her. As you said.. nobody can be helped if the person doesn't want help. My daughter loved the monetary perks she received because of our guilt, however she did not get better because of them. She just expected more and more and accused us both of being bad parents if we dared say no or had conditions attached. Needless to say, focusing on her and loving her did not help...she was in fact abusive to us and still not getting better.

My husband and other kids needed me too but this child stole all of my oxygen and energy and I almost lost all of them. Cost wise we had started out with a nice retirement savings. We own a fairly successful business. Half of our retirement went to her and that did not help her either. My other kids took out loans for college while we bought Kay a house, car, etc...and none of that ended well. We did eventually help our two college grads help pay back their loans. But first.....

My husband, who decided not to enable Kay before I could do the same, finally packed up and.left me. It was ten years later. He was done buying Kay houses, paying her rent and purchasing cars for her...plus I was not there for him...that woke me up and we both got into therapy and joined Nar Anon.

I learned that, regarding our daughter, we did not cause her addiction, we have no control over her and we certainly can't cure it. These are called the three C's in Nar Anon. Cause, Control and Cure.

As an adult woman in her 30s, with addiction and some mental illness or not, only SHE can change her life. She will not be able to change if we never let her grow up and keep throwing money at her. She still may not grow up, but she knows what resources are available to her and can choose to get both mental health and rehab. She knows where to get low cost mental healthcare and rehab. She knows where to go. Until now she refused all mental health care and insists she is not a drug addict. I hope she faces her problems one day, but she is a legal adult and I can't force anything. She is already on Disability so she has access to some money, food share and Medicare/Medicaid. We don't send money anymore. We figure she did not spend it on what she said it was for. We sent her an expensive, warm blanket once and she told us very casually that she sold it. We were stunned. But we should not have been. Drugs and booze are not covered under Food Share.

Right now Kay is in Arizona with her useless husband and they both live in a dilapidated motorhome. Her son is in the custody of her sister, my daughter who chooses to live a good life.

Will Kay get better now that we no longer enable her chaos? She is no worse now than when we handed her money and sent care packages and bailed her out of trouble. We hear she panhandles and maybe more (details mot necessary as we cant stop her and it will break our hearts)...she won't work. She is physically able to work. But she won't go for help to get employment. They would help her...but she won't do it. Her husband always worked part time at various food places. He will only work part time and has tons of reasons why he cant work too much, mostly that his back hurts.He doesnt see a doctor for his back. We suspect illegally obtained opiad abuse.

We know we went above and beyond for our daughter and her useless husband. His family also helped. They np longer will.

Our Kay refuses to do anything for herself. We hear she brags about dropping out of the rat race and how good it feels to be "free." Well, that is her choice but we have paid for enough. We won't help her enjoy living this way anymore.

Today my husband and I are happily married and retired and have great relationships with our two kids who chose to live good lives and our grandkids and dogs. I am mostly free of my old chronic stress from Kays addiction. I let go of Kay to God with my love. God can help her, I believe, if she asks Him to. I tried. Her dad tried. Her siblings tried. Aunts and uncles tried. Grandparents tried. We all learned that the best we can do is to be good to ourselves and not take on Kay's life. We can only change one person in this world ....us. That is not selfish. We are important. We matter too. Chasing the dream we wanted Kay to have is pointless. Thinking that we Caused it, we can Control it or that we can Cure her iscwrong, wrong, wrong. Worry does not help her either. She has to take care of herself. Or not.


We are still in therapy and NarAnon. Prayers and love to you.

You are not alone.
 
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MarCar

New Member
Thank you, I haven't attended a Nar anon meeting yet but I will, I need too, to complete my full circle of caring for myself and giving my son completely to God.
 
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