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It's like a break up...
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 607877" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Dancerat, I hope you made it to IKEA.</p><p></p><p>To me it sounds as if you're right in the throes of the process of detachment. I am so sorry. We all know how it hurts and how it goes up and down and sideways. It is much like the Elizabeth Kubler Ross stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, in no particular order. When it comes to our kids, we parents tend to hold on tight, so letting go and detachment is really tough.</p><p></p><p>As Cedar said, we have to at some point let go of OUR dreams for them. Not so easy.</p><p></p><p>The grief is deep and the longer your son stays "out there" on whatever level he does, the grief goes on because the process of really letting go of the life we thought they'd have gets our attention and then reality strikes.............they may not reach their potential, they may not get to where we always believed they would, they may settle for much less then we would have imagined. In any case, there is grief.</p><p></p><p>My advice is always to find a therapist for you. I had private therapy and I was in a parents Codependency group lead by a therapist and I attended NAMI and CoDa groups. I don't know how parents traverse this landscape without professional help. But some do. I was not one of them. </p><p></p><p>As Nomad mentioned, people who are not directly involved with a difficult child lifestyle have no clue what this is about. Likely best for your own sake to keep your choices to yourself until you're strong enough to not take it personally. It isn't personal, this really does fly in the face of regular parenting, other parents can't imagine the devastation we go through, so they will blame us for what is happening or blame the kid. Either way it's judgment coming from others who have not been in your shoes. Keep it to a minimum for your own sanity. Otherwise you will find yourself defending your choices too much. It will wear you out.</p><p></p><p>Going back in time and seeing the younger version of our kids is kind of a normal fascination we seem to have. It seems to be a part of all of this. It hurts though. And, we all seem to do it, so just ride through those episodes as best you can realizing it is a normal thing we do in trying to make some sense of all of it.</p><p></p><p>You're doing all the right things. That doesn't mean it's easy. That doesn't mean it will feel good. In fact, it will feel pretty bad. But, it is the appropriate response to the choices your son is making or not making. He's the one now making those bad choices. </p><p></p><p>I also agree that getting the food stamps for the time being is a good choice for him as he figures it all out. It's a choice that is available for him, he should take it until he gets on his feet. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there, keep posting, we are all here for you..............it helps to write it down and get responses.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 607877, member: 13542"] Dancerat, I hope you made it to IKEA. To me it sounds as if you're right in the throes of the process of detachment. I am so sorry. We all know how it hurts and how it goes up and down and sideways. It is much like the Elizabeth Kubler Ross stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, in no particular order. When it comes to our kids, we parents tend to hold on tight, so letting go and detachment is really tough. As Cedar said, we have to at some point let go of OUR dreams for them. Not so easy. The grief is deep and the longer your son stays "out there" on whatever level he does, the grief goes on because the process of really letting go of the life we thought they'd have gets our attention and then reality strikes.............they may not reach their potential, they may not get to where we always believed they would, they may settle for much less then we would have imagined. In any case, there is grief. My advice is always to find a therapist for you. I had private therapy and I was in a parents Codependency group lead by a therapist and I attended NAMI and CoDa groups. I don't know how parents traverse this landscape without professional help. But some do. I was not one of them. As Nomad mentioned, people who are not directly involved with a difficult child lifestyle have no clue what this is about. Likely best for your own sake to keep your choices to yourself until you're strong enough to not take it personally. It isn't personal, this really does fly in the face of regular parenting, other parents can't imagine the devastation we go through, so they will blame us for what is happening or blame the kid. Either way it's judgment coming from others who have not been in your shoes. Keep it to a minimum for your own sanity. Otherwise you will find yourself defending your choices too much. It will wear you out. Going back in time and seeing the younger version of our kids is kind of a normal fascination we seem to have. It seems to be a part of all of this. It hurts though. And, we all seem to do it, so just ride through those episodes as best you can realizing it is a normal thing we do in trying to make some sense of all of it. You're doing all the right things. That doesn't mean it's easy. That doesn't mean it will feel good. In fact, it will feel pretty bad. But, it is the appropriate response to the choices your son is making or not making. He's the one now making those bad choices. I also agree that getting the food stamps for the time being is a good choice for him as he figures it all out. It's a choice that is available for him, he should take it until he gets on his feet. Hang in there, keep posting, we are all here for you..............it helps to write it down and get responses. [/QUOTE]
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