Just beginning to accept the reality that I was played

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Jenna0823, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    For most of the past 17 years of my daughters 31 years on earth she has been in jail or rehab or doing pain pills that progressively turned to heroin addiction. Over these years she has committed horrible crimes to me and to others. They include lying and stealing , manipulating me terribly, physically abusing me , having her exes arrested falsely when she would hurt herself then blame them. Several times they spent time in jail when she lied. One of them went back with her 9 months ago after that and they are expecting a baby in 3 weeks. She has hustled me out of so many thousands of dollars as recently as this past May when she conned me into sending her $2000 to pay her fines so she could move close to me with my granddaughter whom she just regained custody of in May after 5 years. It was a con job again. She did so many things over the years it would take hours to list. What I have come to accept lately is that now she has been clean for close to a year and she has still been cruel to me. She hustled me out of that money in May. She has kept me from my granddaughter since May. I practically raised my granddaughter for her. She tells people I treated her horribly. She stole my valuables out of my storage shed. For all those years I believed it was the drugs. I forgave her and stood by her for her to abuse me over and over. I gave her cars and money and a home and she spit on me every time. What I realize today finally is that it wasn’t just the drugs. It is who she is. No remorse. No apologies. She abandoned her 5 year old 9 months ago. Nothing for him or I for Christmas. No card. Nothing. But she is pregnant and has my 11 year old granddaughter and I am afraid for them. I really thought with her off the drugs I would have a normal daughter. But I don’t.
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Jenna. I am so very sorry. Your situation is so very hard, with the new baby and your 11 year old granddaughter.

    First let me say this: Your daughter has lost the past 17 years of normal development and maturation, and then some. I would guess that the drug use actually made her regress to an even younger psychological age than when she began. (I made that up. So don't take it to the bank.) And then there are the effects of her lifestyle as she lived as an addict. Thousands and thousands of attitudes and decisions and experiences that accrued to her personality and character. By nearly all of her acts, she reinforced the worst of what a human being can be instead of getting better.

    While people can change, after stopping drugs, it takes work. If she is still acting like a druggie, she will maintain that character, regardless of being clean from drugs. AA has a term called "dry drunk." It means that somebody has stopped drinking liquor but maintains the mindset, the behaviors, the values, the defense mechanisms of an addict.

    This sounds like your daughter. It does not mean she can't change. But she needs to want to. All she has done so far is quit the drugs. This is the first step.

    But the other thing is this: drugs affect the brain. And the effects of many drugs last much longer than the half life of the specific drug, because of neuro-physiological changes that drug use causes.

    I think the least important thing right now is what she does or not; how she acts or not. The important thing now is you protecting you--from her.

    I am going to start going to Al Anon, which for those who may not know, is the group for family members, partners of addicts and alcoholics. Why not think about going, too?

    I want to let you know how badly I feel that she is mistreating you. She has been acting like a very bad person. I've said it before here many times. I worked in prisons. I saw people change who had done horribly bad things. Even people who had bad character, independent of drugs or alcohol, decide one day to change.

    Psychology in many ways is a misguided way of thinking. Because it has a very hard time explaining, people deciding to change, when there is nothing in their past to explain it. But people all of the time, for as long as there have been people, have turned away from bad and destructive behavior, and towards the light.

    But they are the ones to decide to turn. We cannot make them. We can love them but we can't let them hurt us. I am very sorry.
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  3. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    Thanks so much for your support. I have to wonder if she has only been clean because she is pregnant. With her other two pregnancies which are from different fathers, she has relapsed within 6 or 8 months afterwards. She doesn’t handle stress at all. Now she has been diagnosed last year with lupus. That can be painful. I just feel foolish for always being her doormat. Believing it was the drugs not my child doing this stuff to me. She feels such hatred for me. I don’t know why. She abandoned her 5 year old last year. I don’t get it. People have told me she bad mouthed me so much over the years. And here I was doing everything under the sun to keep her happy so she would stay clean but essentially I was nothing to her. Just to be used. Now that she is clean it really hurts that she has just tossed me to the curb and cut me off of course taking my granddaughter with her. But she did manage to con me on last time out of $2000 to pay her fines. Does she not care at all about me ? Am I just :censored2: on her shoe ? How did I raise this child. Her father is deceased and he was an alcoholic. Maybe it’s the genes. What would that mean for my granddaughters ? My heart misses my granddaughter
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Look Jenna.

    There is a lot of discussion here on this board about why our kids mistreat us. And the wisest mothers here believe we just get in the way. Or we have something they want. We are not in the main their targets. But we may be their victims or their marks. You can learn to be neither, if you stop asking why.

    Why does not stop the pain. It makes it worse. The operative words are what and how.What do I need to do? How can I do it?

    You don't deserve mistreatment or disrespect. Stop accepting it. You can't control her but you don't have to take it in or dwell on it.
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  5. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    I suppose I need to accept what she has done. I need to move on from her and be thankful that she is not destroying my life with drama everyday right now. Enjoy my peace and quiet for once in 17 years. I won’t allow her to victimize me ever again. It took this recent stuff to finally stop allowing her to make me her victim and start standing up for myself. It’s hard to be away from my granddaughter and it hurts me she abandoned her young son. Perhaps that was the best thing for him because he seems happy. I need to let go and let god. And not let it control my thoughts. Thank you so much
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  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hon, your daughter is a drug addict and there are sober addicts who dont change. If you KNOW she is sober for sure, which you cant be sure of.

    The key is to report her if you believe her kids are in danger. Not to punish your daughter but to be a light and hope and refige for your granddaughter. She is still young and one day may need help.

    You should thank your lucky stars every day that at least your grandson has stability. Why does it hurt you that he is safe and loved? What possible advantage would it be for your grandson to live with your abusive daughter? She really should not have any kids. You know this. He is better off by a longshot. I k ow this hurts to hear and only say it si tou tou can remember that this is a blessing for him, e en though you wish it coyld be different. I get it.

    Keep your distance. She is not safe. If she is actually clean she could relapse at any time and she has used you and hurt you so much already. You do t deserve this. Dont avvept it.

    Please take care of you. And feel happy for your grandson. Your 11 year old granddaughter will learn to deal with her mother....she is a pre teen. Maybe she will run off one day and you will get custody. Her story isnt over. Dont imagine her ending to be negative. She remembers your love and is probably afraid of Mom so she cant show her feelings around her. But they are there and she will get older and stronger still.

    The baby to be should go to the father but she is probably not going to do that. I feel sorry for the baby. But short of fighting her for custody (and Dad would get first priority) you cant help. I remember you saying you wont mess with her because you are afraid of her. Give yourself a pass. If you believe in tje power of prayer, pray. I persomally think prayer helps more than we know.

    Dont bring Daughter back into your life. You need to stay strong and healthy for yourself and your other loved ones. They need you healthy and alive. Its sad when I hear about dangerous adult kids. But they exist. I dont know of much harder a life lesson than this.

    Hugs love and light. Be well!
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2019
  7. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Jenna I’m so sorry she has hurt you so much and continues to do so. So often we want to dream that if only we could get them off the drugs things would be great, or at least better. But the reality is usually more complicated. Some of our kids, like copa explains so well above, are changed by the drugs and the bad choices they have made for years and can’t find their way back. And some of our kids - like mine - have mental health issues that go back much further than the drug use and underlie everything. I know some parents here have kids who have been derailed from a happy existence by drug use, and can get back to a ‘normal’ life once they are off the drugs. For mine, I believe the mental health issues are primary and the drugs are just one more symptom, as well as an attempt to self medicate.

    For years, I used to WISH my husband was an alcoholic or a drug addict, because then I would have something to blame it on. But he wasn’t a user. His problems were inside himself. He was sick, and hurting, and so he hurt me too.

    There is something going on with your daughter that goes beyond the drugs. This is who she is, at least for now. And you have been caught in the crossfire of her disordered life that manifests from her disordered mind.

    That doesn’t mean there is no hope for change, but it does mean that change is out of your control. She has to want it and do the work.

    We are so easily conned, because we love and hope so much. We grasp onto any evidence that change may be happening, or even just that they want to change. And of course we want to support it if it’s real. We love our children, even when they hurt us. And you love your grandchild, and of course want to make things better for her. They use our love against us to mine us for resources. Don’t feel bad for getting conned. We’ve all been there. You made a choice that came from a good place - love and hope. You are a good person and a good mother.

    Moving forward, you can learn from this and make your choices accordingly. Look at words with extreme skepticism and wait for actions to show themselves to be something real. And above all don’t take your daughters actions personally. You are just collateral damage in her life. You are a target not because she is deliberately trying to hurt you but simply because you are there and you are easy. She is not thinking about whether her actions will hurt you or what it will do to your relationship. She is operating on a much more primal and immediate level here. I think the best thing you can do for her, and for yourself, is to stand firm and let her live with the consequences of her actions. Let her see that she cannot use people over and over again without consequences.

    I’m so sorry. Hugs to you.
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I'm so sorry for the way she is treating you. I agree with the other ladies here.

    I would get into therapy if it were me. I know when I am emotionally in over my head.

    You cannot have a normal mother/daughter relationship right now because of how she is.

    That could change someday and I hope and pray that it does for you.

    We are here and we care.
  9. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    I assume since she is 8 months pregnant she is clean. Tonight I went for the first time to a Celebrate Recovery meetup that a friend referred me to. I stated I am codependent and have unrealistic expectations. I also am starting counseling tomorrow. My youngest son who is close with my granddaughter had her on FaceTime today playing video games. I said hi to her and that I love her and after a pause real lightly she replied ‘ok’. Rips my heart out. I know my daughter was there that’s why but she has filled her little head with lies. There is no answer as to why. Other than she hates me and apparently always has as people have told me she always bad mouths me. Except for when she was pulling a con job on me to get money or a car etc. I feel so ashamed and used for believing in her lies over and over. Even clean she has been horrible
  10. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    Thanks so much. Starting counseling tomorrow. I sure need it. Hugs
  11. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    I try not to take it personally but she knows keeping my granddaughter from me rips my heart out. She knows I cry about it. Last time we were on the phone in end of May I was crying so hard begging her to not do that and she just screamed at me and hung up. Haven’t heard from her again. It’s intentional I feel. How could she hate me. I did everything for her. And yes her 5 year old is better of with her ignoring him because if she can’t be his mother than she needs to not ruin his life. He is the sweetest little boy
  12. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    My grandson is much better off with his dad. He is a recovering heroin addict but takes good care of him. Poor baby was in foster care in a Florida for a short time a few years ago and the father got him back. My daughter made no effort for her son. Now she is getting ready to have a baby girl with a third baby daddy. Today my youngest son who is close with my granddaughter had her on FaceTime playing games and I said hi to her and told her I love her. She slowly replied ‘ok’. That’s not the granddaughter I raised for 11 years. Breaks my heart but I know it’s my daughters doing. Her boyfriend even told her ex husband so. I intend to stay away from my daughter. She is destructive and very vindictive. I am enjoying the peace from her but miss my granddaughter. Hugs
  13. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    She is emotionally blackmailing you. She is using your love and concern for your grandkids to manipulate you. That’s how she got the $2,000 out of you. She’s doing it because it works.

    Going to a therapist is the best thing. Hopefully you can work on establishing and maintaining boundaries.

    Sorry if this sounds curt, but I’m typing it on my phone. Believe me, I empathize with your situation. We’re raising our 4 year old grandson and have permanent guardianship. If you are raising your grandson, consider getting guardianship. If you don’t have legal standing, she can show up on a whim and take him whenever she wants (or say, “give me $2,000 or I’m taking him”). It’s a way to protect yourself and your grandson. If you can’t get guardianship because she or the father fights you on it, then you might have to consider not raising him anymore. I know that’s tough. But it’s going to be tough when she takes him and does the same thing she’s doing with your granddaughter. She’s not going to change. The reality is that you’re going to be stuck in this pattern for the rest of your life unless you do something to change it. You have to get off her roller coaster ride.

    I know these are agonizing circumstances and decisions and you have to do what you can live with. Again, going to therapy and figuring out what YOU want is the best thing you can do. I know how tough it is when little ones are involved and you’ve bonded with them.
  14. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    Thanks so much. My 5 year old grandson lives with his father in Florida and we actually get along well. He is divorcing me daughter after being estranged for 3 years. She tried in March to play him for money and promised him and my grandson that she would move down with them when she was done probation. She lied to her own little boy. Just never looked back. Next month she is having a third baby a girl with a third father. I talk to my grandson every other day and he visits or I go see him. So far he is ok but asked me if I have his mommy’s phone number recently. I said no. He is a sweet and happy boy. Don’t need her to ruin it. She didn’t even call him or send a lousy card for Christmas. I am in a church group as well and I am setting boundaries but she hasn’t contacted me since May so it’s been very drama free. Except for my daily tears of missing my 11 year old granddaughter who has been brainwashed and really can’t talk with me and definitely not see me. We were very close as I took care of her while my daughter spent her whole life doing drugs and lying and stealing and having men falsely arrested. She is doing this to hurt me. And it hurts but I will never fall for her tricks again. I am done. I just really thought now that she is clean that she would be different but she is still the same monster as she was on drugs. Hugs
  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I dont think.your granddaughtet is brainwashed against you at all. Not even.an inch. Doubtless she is terrified of your daughter, her probably frightening mother. Behind closed doors there is probably lots of abuse of the poor child. So she talks to you the way her mother wants her to out of fear of pu nishment that may be extremely rough.

    If son knew how his mother is, he would be afraid of her too. YOU are with good reason

    To her boy, your daughter is what I call a womb donor only. She has never been his mother. Perhaps you and his other grandma are.

    I am not thinking she is a proper mother at all to any child and that poor baby not yet born! Your daughter is not a nurturing loving person. She may put on a mommy act in front of others but I fear about how she is when she is alone with that precious girl.

    I think your daughter controls your grand 100 per cent and not with her daughtet's best interests in mind. Dont ever think your daughter turned her against you. It is probably the opposite....but the little girl lives with a ticking timebomb. She has to do your daughter's bidding or get hurt in some way.

    Much love and hugs!
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry that you have to go through this. It is horrible. Do NOT assume that your daughter is clean just because she says so and/or is pregnant. OB's don't check for drugs regularly. My ex sister in law told us that she had not been clean/sober for longer than 4 months at a time in the last 2 decades or more. My niece is 14, so that means her mother used during pregnancy. It completely disgusted me because she was a nurse (RN) who flat out KNEW what the drugs and booze would do to the baby she claimed to love more than anything.

    Stop giving daughter money or anything else. It won't change her behavior, or get her to let you see your granddau. ANY time you think she could be drugging, tell CPS in her area. Do it for your granddau. I have watched my own parents give ex-sister in law money over and over to pay for bills. If my parents let the lights be turned off or let the rent go unpaid, they could have gotten custody of niece (which they actively wanted because ex-sister in law is very unstable in so many ways).

    This is a fault in your daughter's character and not your fault.
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  17. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    My daughter has not contacted me since end of May when she conned me out of $2000 for her fines telling me she needed them the next day so she could get off early to move here with my granddaughter. Two days ago she gave birth to another baby girl from a third father. My granddaughters other grandmother sent me pics of my new granddaughter. My daughter has made no attempt to contact me. Nor has she contacted in any way her 5 year old who lives with his father. I know she was only clean for four months before she got pregnant. She was on probation and being tested so who knows. She has always relapsed within a short time after he other two kids. I feel she may repeat the patterns. She told me 10 months ago she never wanted another baby. I wonder if I should send a gift to her for my new granddaughter that she just had. I hope I get to know this little girl. If I don’t send a gift my daughter might tell people that I was so horrible I didn’t even send a baby gift. I can’t win. But no I will never ever give her a dime ever again.
  18. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Jenna I can only imagine all of the different things you must be feeling and thinking right now. I am glad to hear the birth went well. How much did other grandma tell you? Are your daughter and the baby healthy and doing well for the moment? Do you think your daughter was able to stay drug free through the pregnancy?

    I don’t think there is one clear right answer here. You will have to listen to your heart. I think, if it were me, I would send things for the baby. Things I thought would be most needed and useful. I would want to keep the door open for the child’s sake. But I know how much your daughter has hurt you, and perhaps it does not feel safe to keep that door open right now.

    Sending big hugs. We are here with you, whatever you decide.
  19. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hon, Im so glad it is a healthy baby. I am.so glad you got photos.

    I so agree with Elsi. I would send diapers, which are not cheap, undershirts in a bigger size so they will last, maybe feet pajamas that are warm and other necessities. Wash rags. Baby shampoo. Or start a life insurance policy for her that will mature as she grows.

    This is so hard. I know it is. But you dont know what will happen with this baby yet. Perhaps she will end up in safe hands. The other grandmother sounds kind and caring. If she is given the baby I think you can form a friendship and know this sweet little girl. Dont try to predict the future....trust that things could work out good.

    Your daughter is herself. Do not fret over her behavior. Keep a loving heart for her and if you pray, pray for her. It is up to her to have a change/life awakening. I personally believe good energy/prayer is powerful. If you do not just send her poisitive thoughts.

    Life changes. Nothing stays the same. I read this long ago and in my opinion it serms to be true. We often try to be fortune tellers. Relax. For now everyone is safe and warm. You are wonderful, a shining star, and deserve peace.

    Be yourself. You are precious. You are enough.
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2019
  20. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I'm so sorry. I would love to have a grandchild and am so sorry that the negativity of your daughter's actions are not making this a joyous occasion for you.

    I agree with the others' suggestions of diapers and that type of thing.

    I honestly don't know why our lives have to be so full of trials and tribulations when we are all good people and doing our very best.

    Hugs and prayers that you have peace and get to have a relationship with your grandchildren.
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