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Substance Abuse
Just beginning to accept the reality that I was played
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 745764" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Jenna I’m so sorry she has hurt you so much and continues to do so. So often we want to dream that if only we could get them off the drugs things would be great, or at least better. But the reality is usually more complicated. Some of our kids, like copa explains so well above, are changed by the drugs and the bad choices they have made for years and can’t find their way back. And some of our kids - like mine - have mental health issues that go back much further than the drug use and underlie everything. I know some parents here have kids who have been derailed from a happy existence by drug use, and can get back to a ‘normal’ life once they are off the drugs. For mine, I believe the mental health issues are primary and the drugs are just one more symptom, as well as an attempt to self medicate. </p><p></p><p>For years, I used to WISH my husband was an alcoholic or a drug addict, because then I would have something to blame it on. But he wasn’t a user. His problems were inside himself. He was sick, and hurting, and so he hurt me too. </p><p></p><p>There is something going on with your daughter that goes beyond the drugs. This is who she is, at least for now. And you have been caught in the crossfire of her disordered life that manifests from her disordered mind. </p><p></p><p>That doesn’t mean there is no hope for change, but it does mean that change is out of your control. She has to want it and do the work. </p><p></p><p>We are so easily conned, because we love and hope so much. We grasp onto any evidence that change may be happening, or even just that they want to change. And of course we want to support it if it’s real. We love our children, even when they hurt us. And you love your grandchild, and of course want to make things better for her. They use our love against us to mine us for resources. Don’t feel bad for getting conned. We’ve all been there. You made a choice that came from a good place - love and hope. You are a good person and a good mother. </p><p></p><p>Moving forward, you can learn from this and make your choices accordingly. Look at words with extreme skepticism and wait for actions to show themselves to be something real. And above all don’t take your daughters actions personally. You are just collateral damage in her life. You are a target not because she is deliberately trying to hurt you but simply because you are there and you are easy. She is not thinking about whether her actions will hurt you or what it will do to your relationship. She is operating on a much more primal and immediate level here. I think the best thing you can do for her, and for yourself, is to stand firm and let her live with the consequences of her actions. Let her see that she cannot use people over and over again without consequences. </p><p></p><p>I’m so sorry. Hugs to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 745764, member: 23349"] Jenna I’m so sorry she has hurt you so much and continues to do so. So often we want to dream that if only we could get them off the drugs things would be great, or at least better. But the reality is usually more complicated. Some of our kids, like copa explains so well above, are changed by the drugs and the bad choices they have made for years and can’t find their way back. And some of our kids - like mine - have mental health issues that go back much further than the drug use and underlie everything. I know some parents here have kids who have been derailed from a happy existence by drug use, and can get back to a ‘normal’ life once they are off the drugs. For mine, I believe the mental health issues are primary and the drugs are just one more symptom, as well as an attempt to self medicate. For years, I used to WISH my husband was an alcoholic or a drug addict, because then I would have something to blame it on. But he wasn’t a user. His problems were inside himself. He was sick, and hurting, and so he hurt me too. There is something going on with your daughter that goes beyond the drugs. This is who she is, at least for now. And you have been caught in the crossfire of her disordered life that manifests from her disordered mind. That doesn’t mean there is no hope for change, but it does mean that change is out of your control. She has to want it and do the work. We are so easily conned, because we love and hope so much. We grasp onto any evidence that change may be happening, or even just that they want to change. And of course we want to support it if it’s real. We love our children, even when they hurt us. And you love your grandchild, and of course want to make things better for her. They use our love against us to mine us for resources. Don’t feel bad for getting conned. We’ve all been there. You made a choice that came from a good place - love and hope. You are a good person and a good mother. Moving forward, you can learn from this and make your choices accordingly. Look at words with extreme skepticism and wait for actions to show themselves to be something real. And above all don’t take your daughters actions personally. You are just collateral damage in her life. You are a target not because she is deliberately trying to hurt you but simply because you are there and you are easy. She is not thinking about whether her actions will hurt you or what it will do to your relationship. She is operating on a much more primal and immediate level here. I think the best thing you can do for her, and for yourself, is to stand firm and let her live with the consequences of her actions. Let her see that she cannot use people over and over again without consequences. I’m so sorry. Hugs to you. [/QUOTE]
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