Just Going to let it happen

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by skittles, Jan 23, 2020.

  1. skittles

    skittles Member

    Just writing to vent and feel my way through this. To recap my ex daughter in law and mother of my 5 grandkids, is learning disabled, and borderline. With a family of 6, (5 young kids 2-10)She recently moved a new guy in who is violent. She has decided she cant live with him but shes pregnant.(number 6 not my grand) and says shes afraid of what hel do. She has always managed her money sort of ok but since he moved in, rent is way behind, internet is cut off. Soon her phone will be also. I think there is some financial abuse going on. Shes facing eviction end of february. Ive said before im just going to let this happen and I will but its just so hard as I know shes going to be homeless and my grandkids in foster care. Im really afraid it will be tramatic for them and create long term emotional separation issues. Especially as with 5 kids its unlikely they will be placed togeather. The kids are very close as they really seem to depend on each other as the adults in their life are so unreliable. Splitting them up will be horrible for them. My son (their father) is an ex-felon and is living with a girl who is a recovered oxy addict with 3 kids. He has tried for custody but the judge felt it was just trading one marginal situation for another. My husband and I are older and not in a position to take on 5 young children.The price of housing here has gone up so much theres nothing out there she can afford large enough for all those kids. I think the most she could manage is a 2 bedroom in a decent neighbourhood, maybe a 3 bedroom in a crappy neighbourhood. She is very unrealistic and is insisting she wants a 5 bedroom. Shes made no attempt to find a smaller affordable place. I dont know whats going to happen to them, if shes evicted i presume she will lose all her furniture and the kids belongings etc also. She has no money, bad rental credit and no car of her own. Shes asked me to help her with a deposit and mover cost and to cosign as its the only way she can get a place. A resounding NO, i cant give her money, Ive given her money in past and never get repaid, especially since this new guy has been involved. And i would never cosign for anyone. Ive helped her physically with property search and moving in the past and have helped her with her deposit, but she only lasts a year or two every where she moves before she has personal problems with the landlord, or decides she needs a bigger place, never satisfied. Since my oldest ten year old grandson was born she has moved 8 times, these poor kids never stay long enough anywhere to get stable in school. Im just tired of it all and want nothing to do with it this time, I hurt for them, I worry about them but shes dug such a deep hole this time with her bad rent history that becoming homeless looks inevitable. I offered to take her to the housing stability bank here awhike ago for a rent arrears loan but they will only help with one month and the landlord jyst wants her out. Its going to happen, its inevitable, im going to let it but I will feel like a monster when I look at my grandkids even though I know this is not my doing.
    Tired and sad
     
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Where does she get her monthly income? SSI? State assistance? Has she looked into low income housing? The bad thing about it is there us usually a long waiting list.

    I agree, this is not a situation you can handle on your own. If they are homeless, your son may be given a second chance at custody...as they look at family members first.
     
  3. skittles

    skittles Member

    She is on assisstance, the waiting list for housing is long and priority goes to emergency situations. If she goes to a shelter she will be on the list, however we have Childrens Aid Society involved (we are in canada , CAS is the same as CPS in the US) so CAS would likely step in and place them in foster care if they were in a shelter . if they place the children , i’m not sure if she would still get priority over someone whose children have not been placed. It’s once they get in Foster care it seems very difficult to get them out.Regardless the list is so long for placement and she was in subsidized housing before, but as I said she’s very unrealistic and she decided she didn’t want to live in the “ghetto”, so she screwed up that opportunity as well. moved out with no notice didn’t pay last months rent etc. . i’m not sure if they’ll put her on the list again. it is heartbreaking because for the longest time I thought the kids were better with her rather than foster care or my son even though she moved a lot she was doing not too bad but things really fell apart when this new guy moved in. he causes problems with everyone, he threatened me at one point and I called the children’s aid, apparently the principal at the kids school called the police on him because he threaten the principal, and he beat up one of my daughter-in-law‘s old boyfriends in the driveway. he had let a friend leave a stolen car in the driveway, when the police came because he had threatened the principal they found the stolen car, He wouldn’t allow my daughter-in-law to say who left the car there as that would be ‘ratting’on his friend, so she was charged with with possession of stolen property. Financially she never seems to have enough money for anything anymore but he always has beer and cigarettes, but he has no obvious income of his own. she told me he’s very verbally abusive with her and calls her horrible names in front of the kids, in the end losing her place and going into a shelter with the kids I suppose is one way to get rid of him. however I’ve seen the circle before, she hates him right now but next week she could love him again who knows. i’m up in the morning after a good nights sleep, I can’t believe I actually slept well with all this on my mind, but looking at the situation with a clear mind as awful as foster care is, this is what it is coming to, and it may create some emotional damage separating the children but it’s definitely creating emotional damage leaving them in the situation they are in right now. And as you said it may cause the judge to reconsider placement with my son. I don’t think my son and his new girlfriend can handle eight children though, Her three and his five, that would definitely put a huge stressor on his current relationship and his girlfriend who has I said is a recovering addict. and I’m not sure they would consider giving him all five all by himself especially the 2 1/2 year old, perhaps it’s a gender bias thing but I just can’t see him being Mr. mom adequately, he’s surprise me before though with his capability when he wants something bad enough, So we’ll see. as it is I am just mentally fortifying myself for the storm that I know is to come, where she calls me in a panic because everything is falling apart and she’s going to lose the children and I am going to just tell her there’s nothing I can do to help. i’ve been here before with her, in the past for more than one move I ran around for days with her trying to help her find a place begging with landlords to give her an opportunity, have fronted the deposit so she could sign the application, taking time off work for said running around, Time off work for moving day, I have arranged and paid for movers because she didn’t have the money for it, just to have her turn around and decide in a year the place wasn’t good enough anymore and to do it all over again. so I’m done, At least those previous times she still had some semblance of normality in the house and she moved because she wanted to move up to nicer places and neighbourhoods for the children. this situation is different, she is in a nice place , a four bedroom two bathroom house, yard for the kids a good school a nice neighbourhood. she’s lived here for over a year and has made the rent and had no problems till this new guy moved in. Now its all fallen apart and rents have skyrocketed here lately that she has no options for decent housing for a family her size. I know the landlord is Eager to take this opportunity to get her out as it’s obvious in this market that they can get far more for the place then they are currently charging her. So When this happens I’m pretty sure my grandchildren will go into foster care, after that I just don’t know if she’s going to be able to get herself together enough to find housing and get them back out of foster care. i’m afraid they’re going to get stuck in the system for a long time, maybe this is partly my fault for helping so much in the past, There’s no way she would’ve kept custody and have kept having children without someone like me there to help her.
     
  4. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Oh Skittles, I'm so sorry. It must be painful for you to watch go down. I can understand your fears about them going into the system and getting broken up as a unit.

    Hugs to you, dear.
     
  5. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Skittles, I just want to add my note of "I'm sorry." What a painful situation for you to have to watch, trying so hard not to do anything that will make it worse or endanger your own health.
     
  6. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    Wow @skittles that really is a whole lot. We are really close to the oldest grandbaby who is now 3. Our home is the only constant in her life and she's never had a room of her own. I would take both grandbabies before I would let them go into foster care, I couldn't bare the thought of my Mar crying and sad because she wouldn't know these people, but it's only 2 grands for me. 5 grands is a lot of work.

    My daughter flies by the seat of her pants. She asks me to babysit the day of, I say no, I told you I make plans to do things and I need to know 3 days ahead of time. You think she would get it by now... Her rent is coming due again, we shall see if she makes rent. Who's going to pay it?? I don't know, I don't care.

    When my brother and his wife were still together, they had 4 girls and moved about 9 times...and my parents were always there helping them of course. My dad is so sweet and these people really take advantage of that. Somehow these people always found a place to rent.

    It's so stressful dealing with these grown men and women of ours. GROWN MEN AND WOMEN!

    I wish you peace and harmony. Take it a day at a time... Hugs
     
  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Skittles I am so sorry for all you have been through and are going through. You hav been such a help, but, one can only do so much. You can’t care for her children, her situation, more than she does. We often went into rescue mode through the years with our grands in mind. It only seemed to prolong the inevitable. The bouncing back in forth, domestic violence, we were all jeopardized by the horrible reality.
    There are many scary stories of foster care that prevent us from letting the chips fall where they may. But, there are also many loving foster families that are equipped to help these vulnerable children. The system here has checks and balances, and helps to keep loving relations involved. There may be a way where you could have your grands for a weekend visit, or for outings where you could keep an eye out for your grands, if they do end up in foster care.
    I am sorry for your aching grandmothers heart. I know all too well how this feels. The trauma kids endure with domestic violence is awful. I am witnessing the scars first hand. But, kids are resilient. All in all, their safety is paramount, and what you write of amounts to a very unstable, unsafe situation. For your grands, and you.
    Violent men are unpredictable.
    Please take care of yourself and know you have done much to try to help. I think you are right in realizing that the circumstances are more than you can handle.
    At least in foster care, the kids can receive proper health care and counseling. Many kids in this predicament begin to feel that it is their fault, develop low self esteem and failure to thrive.
    My grands have many issues from living as they did. Their parents are oblivious to the effects they have had on their children. I am hoping that my grands will recover with the help of counseling and a more stable environment. Hoping that they will know their worth and rise above the degradation they lived.
    I understand your hardship, the fears and needing to fortify yourself for whatever the future is. Stay strong, give it to your higher power when the burden is too heavy. Take extra good care of yourself and guard your heart.
    Much love,
    Leafy
     
  8. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Skittles, your situation really hits home with me. Though you are griefstricken about the kids, I think you are thinking clearly and setting important and necessary boundaries even though it is breaking your heart. As they say in 12 step, "hands off, heart on."

    I had to let go, work on my own grief and health and pray that someday I will be able to be a loving presence in my grandchildren's lives again. I recognized that I am powerless to change my daughter despite my best intentions.

    I've done the same: years of rescuing, taking her in, spending money, and custody cases all so she could retain or get back custody. She has two children and ended up with abusers with every relationship. She wanted rescue, but never took advice, got help, etc. It was too much for me to keep doing both financially and emotionally. She cut herself off from all of our family and has not spoken to me for over two years and told me I will never see my grandchildren again. The hardest thing is knowing how much my grandchildren need healthy role models, consistency, healing, and nurturing in their lives and how much they are damaged by their chaotic living circumstances

    Sometimes I wish I was angry rather than sad because I have never seen my daughter, whom I know loves her children, put their welfare above her own dysfunctional relationships and desires. You have have done more than enough. I laud you for taking a stand. I, too, have also sometimes thought that all that I've given and done has allowed my daughter to keep doing the same thing and has not caused her to change for the better.

    I hear your good heart. Get support. I had to call sponsors, my therapist, use this form, read, pray, call friends - all ALOT to maintain the strength to keep healthy boundaries and to heal my own heart.
     
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Skittles

    I'm sorry for what you are having to endure.

    I have no words of wisdom but will pray for you and that your daughter in law is somehow able to see that her children must always come first.
    :group-hug:
     
  10. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I’m sorry to hear this.
    Don’t blame yourself. You tried many times to help her, like we all have done for our own loved ones. At some point we have to just walk away and let them fend for themselves. There is nothing else you can do; especially considering that she may just continue to allow the boyfriend to live with her in a new place, and then can’t make the rent there, either.
    I hope she will learn from this.
    Let us know how it goes.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  11. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hey Skittles,

    I want to join the others in letting you know I am thinking about you and so sorry you are dealing with this.

    AppleCori sums it up well.

    Please stay with us.

    Hugs,
    SS
     
  12. skittles

    skittles Member

    Thankyou all so much for your kind words of support and sharing your similar experiences. I had a nice day today but for a bad reason. One of of my grands, the most sensitive one is very angry at his mom. She text me today as he was telling her he hates her and wanted to see me. I picked him up and brought him over for the afternoon. Hes only ten but said he just wanted to come to my house for my chicken soup lol. I am sure if they go into care that i will be able to get visits with them. CAS has always acknowledged that i am a primary support for the family. Il update as things develop.
     
  13. MissLulu

    MissLulu Active Member

    Skittles, just wanted to say I'm so sorry this is happening.

    Glad to hear you saw your grandson. I'm sure being together brought you both some comfort. I hope you are able to stay in your grandchildren's lives. I'm sure the authorities will see that is what's best for them.

    Sending you strength and love.
     
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Skittles, I am so sorry. I don't have more to say than do the others but wanted to add my support and a few thoughts.
    I have a couple of girlfriends who adopted sibling groups. I believe in foster care and fost-adopt there is the desire to keep the children united.
    What about going to a domestic violence shelter? They would have the resources to help to put her up in an apartment, I think. They would also have counselors who would work with her in light of her disabilities.

    The other idea I have is the Rescue Mission. I don't know if there is this resource in your town/city but in my city there are non-governmental programs that provide support, housing, job training to individuals and to families.

    There is a reality to this situation that you can't stop. You know that. It is terrible and horrible but unstoppable. If the mother is unfit or limited to the extent she can't make reasonable and minimally responsible decisions, this is an immutable reality. She is not operating with a full deck. To seek a five bedroom home without the resources to pay, with a difficult and competitive rental market, with bad credit, with little money or ability to pay market rent, and to let the clock run out, does not seem rational or fit. How could this situation continue? It had to get to this point. And maybe it's for the best that it did, if she is inviting into their home and their life a violent and explosive man.

    She seems to be heading towards an outcome where she will lose her children. Maybe she wants this. Maybe she knows she is not capable.
    If your son is not in a position to take on his kids, maybe the writing is on the wall. I don't understand why he would choose the girlfriend's kids instead of his, own, but maybe this is another reality that has to be faced and come about for the children to arrive to a situation where there can be stability.

    I don't know what the resources are to work with parents that seem to be either incapable or unwilling to rise to the occasion. I can understand parental reunification as a goal and value, but what kind of resources can the County bring to bear on parents who seem beyond choosing for their children?

    Personally, I wish the kids could be adopted as a sibling group. I would want them.

    I feel terrible for you, for the kids, for everybody involved in this. I wish with all of my heart it was different. Maybe things have to progress to the point where these kids can have permanent stability. But I would not assume they would be separated. Honestly, I hope to G-d they are not.
     
  15. skittles

    skittles Member

    Thankyou Copa, i never thought of the womens shelter but if this plays out as i expect i will suggest that to her as an alternative to the homeless shelter. I think they would be more supportive there for her. As for my son, its kind of a catch 22 for him. If on his own CAS isnt sure he has the parenting skills for 5 young children on his own, as i said i think we all have a bit of gender bias to moms there. They see him as more stable now that hes in a family unit with his girlfriend, and if she didnt have 3 of her own and a substance abuse history they might have considered him. I do think however that if they have no choice but to split the children, he may have a chance to take two of the boys that have stated a preference to living with their dad. The court recently granted overnight visits for those two with my son in recognition of my sons positive relationship with them. We have been discussing this and my son has made it clear to CAS he would like to be considered for those two if they wont consider sending all 5 to him. I also think your right that my ex daughter in law seems to want to let this happen. Shes said to me “im lost, i dont know what to do”, also “im afraid to leave him” I think shes so overwhelmed that shes just given up, it’s always worked in the past for her , by being deliberately helpless or passive , people such as me have stepped in , but no one is this time . her own family long ago wash their hands of the situation, and even if I wanted to do something she’s let it go too far this time. Anyway at this point its just wait and see what happens, the more i listen to all of you and relize this is likely inevitable, the more i see there could be large positives to it. One, its going to get rid of the new boyfriend if shes serious about it, two, my son has a good chance of getting custody of two of the boys, three , if she can get it togeather after eviction and placement of the remaining children, she will have to be more realistic of her capabilities and affirdability. If she only has three to look after plus the new baby coming, she can get a smaller place and maybe be more effective as a mom. The two boys that want to go to my son have behaviour issues, one is a high functioning autistic and her chaotic environment makes him extremely stressed. She will find it easier to parent the remaining children if he stays with his dad. And if none of the above occurs and all the children are placed , i pray they will find themselves in a positive envirinment with lots of visit time with their bio family. Thanks to all for your support ❤️
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  16. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to add my support too and let you know I am ready along, Skittles. I hope somehow all your little ones can find a way to stay together and have some long-term stability in their lives.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List