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Just help me understand
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 739563" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>I'm still new to this site, and catching up on a lot of reading. I see where you are getting this. But, I think what I have taken away is something a little different. It's not "they won't change." It's "we can't MAKE them change." So we hold out hope, and guard our emotional and financial resources until such time as they may do some good. I know I will never, ever give up on my kids. But I also know that I can't always rescue them, and often my rescue efforts simply prevent them from moving forward towards true independence. It's a struggle, every day, to find that balance. I think everyone on here has had to find their own balance. "Light a candle for yourself" is, I think, a necessary counterbalance for those of us whose default instinct is to do too much rather than too little, and often to our own detriment and that of the children we are trying to help. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I hear you on the lack of support and understanding for mental illness out there. It's really hard to find resources before things are at an absolute crisis point. And how can we blame our children and hold them responsible for their actions when they are being held hostage by neurochemicals, brain wiring, and genes? But the paradox is we HAVE to hold them responsible - the act of holding them responsible is one of the only things that helps them resist the impact of neurochemicals, brain wiring, and genes. A philosopher - I don't remember which one - once said that there is probably no such thing as free will, but society works better if we all believe there is free will and act accordingly. Because the belief in free will itself - our children's belief that they are in charge of their own actions and choices - is part of the equation that makes better outcomes more likely. I don't know. I struggle with that conundrum every day. Are they able to make better choices and do better? Or are they truly powerless over their demons? I have to believe that they can find it in themselves to take steps towards a better life. And part of getting them there is making sure that they believe it, too, by not doing for them the things they should be doing for themselves. </p><p></p><p>I don't know. I suspect I'm rambling here. I haven't slept much this week.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 739563, member: 23349"] I'm still new to this site, and catching up on a lot of reading. I see where you are getting this. But, I think what I have taken away is something a little different. It's not "they won't change." It's "we can't MAKE them change." So we hold out hope, and guard our emotional and financial resources until such time as they may do some good. I know I will never, ever give up on my kids. But I also know that I can't always rescue them, and often my rescue efforts simply prevent them from moving forward towards true independence. It's a struggle, every day, to find that balance. I think everyone on here has had to find their own balance. "Light a candle for yourself" is, I think, a necessary counterbalance for those of us whose default instinct is to do too much rather than too little, and often to our own detriment and that of the children we are trying to help. I hear you on the lack of support and understanding for mental illness out there. It's really hard to find resources before things are at an absolute crisis point. And how can we blame our children and hold them responsible for their actions when they are being held hostage by neurochemicals, brain wiring, and genes? But the paradox is we HAVE to hold them responsible - the act of holding them responsible is one of the only things that helps them resist the impact of neurochemicals, brain wiring, and genes. A philosopher - I don't remember which one - once said that there is probably no such thing as free will, but society works better if we all believe there is free will and act accordingly. Because the belief in free will itself - our children's belief that they are in charge of their own actions and choices - is part of the equation that makes better outcomes more likely. I don't know. I struggle with that conundrum every day. Are they able to make better choices and do better? Or are they truly powerless over their demons? I have to believe that they can find it in themselves to take steps towards a better life. And part of getting them there is making sure that they believe it, too, by not doing for them the things they should be doing for themselves. I don't know. I suspect I'm rambling here. I haven't slept much this week. [/QUOTE]
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