Just trying to let go and live

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by youngfool, Apr 11, 2018.

  1. youngfool

    youngfool Member

    hi all just wanted to say thank you again for your time.when ever I feel like it’s all to much I come back here and always feel better. When I read the stories it hits home makes me think just how many of us are out there all the stories all different yet the same.I look around at my friends and think wow how normal they are I start to feel overwhelmed. We all know the cycle times are ok but always waiting for the next drauma how to react deal with the guilt of saying no and then watching them fall even harder and thinking was that really good do I see a difference do I feel better and so far the answer is no I guess the reality is this will never end and the only choice we have is to give in and live in complete crazy world or distance and live in a world of moments of sanity but never quite normal sorry so dark today just feeling blue today thanks for listening
  2. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    So sorry you are feeling sad. There have been success stories but it is a long haul for most of us. That doesn't mean give up but reach a point where you can accept that taking care of yourself is a good thing. Do something good for yourself today.
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I learned a long time ago that this kind of thinking can be the farthest from the truth. People are good at wearing masks, myself included. For years my co-workers had no clue the chaos my son caused. The only one that knew was my boss because I would have to explain why I would have suddenly leave in the middle of the day so many times due to the school calling about my sons truancy. My co-workers thought I was just a happy go lucky kind of person. I did not bring my emotions to work, I've always been very good at keeping my personal life and work life separate.
    I truly believe that everyone has some kind of struggle they are dealing with. It's easy to look at others and think, wow, they've got it all together but the truth is, we really don't know.
    What I do know is we are given this one life to live and just as our difficult adult children choose their lives, so must we. There is a line in the movie the Shawshank Redemption that has stuck with me, "Get busy living, or get busy dying"
    Yes, there will always be a sadness in my life because of the choices my son has made and the way he lives his life BUT I will not let that define me. I'm going to live my life to the fullest, I will seek out things that make me happy and I will not harbor any guilt.
    We battle weary parents owe it to ourselves to be good to ourselves and live the very best lives we can.
    I hope your feeling blue will quickly pass and you will know that you deserve to be happy despite having a difficult adult child.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    young fool, perhaps you could broaden that perspective to include more than those options. When we think it terms of either/or and only give ourselves 2 dismal choices, we can remain stuck because the two options we've allowed ourselves to see are not feasible for us. There are more choices.

    You might attend 12 step groups like Al Anon, Families Anonymous, or Narc Anon to learn strategies to support you in finding ways to detach from your son's behaviors as well as learning from other parents who are traveling a similar path. You might get yourselves a private therapist well versed in substance abuse to learn how to set boundaries and insist your son is accountable for nasty behavior towards you. You might get a list of shelters in your area and provide that list to your son along with a timeline on him leaving if he cannot abide by the rules of your home. You don't have the power to change your son, only he has that power. If he refuses to get clean, you don't have to be responsible nor do you have to suffer with his behaviors......and if you do choose to evict your son, you can't predict at this point how you will feel or what will happen.....often when we stop enabling our kids, miraculously, they find their own way.

    It appears your son is holding you hostage with his actions, choices and behaviors. It is your home, you get to make the rules. Look at what you are willing to do and what you are NOT willing to do. And enforce your rules with consequences. You've lost your power to your son....take it back.......then that feeling of being trapped will go away. You ARE trapped, trapped in a scenario in your own home where a drug addict is calling the shots.

    You don't have to live in a crazy world your son invented........and you don't have to live only moments of sanity, you can have a whole life of sanity...... and no craziness......but you will have to make choices to change, to respond differently and to set strong boundaries. If you do that, the odds are in your favor that you'll get your life back and begin to enjoy it again. But if you do nothing.....you can pretty much bet that nothing will change..... then your statement above becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
  5. youngfool

    youngfool Member

    Thank you all for your words of wisdom sometimes I wonder what I would do without you guys so sorry for the blues the other day I know you are right I have so much to be grateful for. But I guess as humans we are always looking for the one thing that we want.our kids to be ok.Difficult Child is still 26 years old just hoping that someday he finds his way turning your back is so against a parents instinct but at this point I know money advice won't help but dam it's hard to do.again thank you all for your time and concern
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That is the bottom line isn't it? We know what works, but damn, it is so, so, hard. I know. I think in many cases, we change when we are just so sick and tired and worn out and broken that all of our resistance to change breaks down and we open to different options....Never easy, but often necessary for everyone's well being. Hang in there youngfool....take it one day at a time, get yourselves a good support system & keep posting......