I can't get my two difficult adult children out of my head - it's an endless loop of anxiety. After my DS (34) son's blowout, neither of them has contact with me, but their mail keeps showing up. It all looks like court stuff, driver infractions, CASA. I fret over what to do, not wanting to compound their problems by returning to sender. Who am I kidding? They could care less about me. The trouble is all I can think of is how angry they will be at me - still. Even if there is no physical and verbal contact, I still live in fear, obligation, and guilt. I am mad at myself, but that's pointless. I wish I were the type of person to get angry instead of scared and sad. I work so hard at being healthy - 12 step, counseling, reading, writing, etc., but old trauma still has a lock on me. I perseverate about my difficult children suffering rather than about their awful behavior towards me. I just retired, and today my husband found out that he may not have a job after three months. Sigh. But I am determined to get to chapter 5. Autobiography in 5 Chapters by Portia Nelson I I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost... I am hopeless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. II I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. III I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in...it's a habit My eyes are open; I know where I am; It is my fault. I get out immediately. IV I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. V I walk down another street.