Kays surprise eerie phone call

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by BusynMember, Sep 14, 2019.

  1. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    It was very upsetting so this is as good as I can remember it. Not verbatim at all but you will get the gist.

    A strange phone number from a town in Kay's state came up. I should never have answered but in my defense I was very busy and not really paying that much attention. The call was ill timed and I had not really looked at who called and Kay's number is blocked. it was from a neighbors phone, Kay said, after blasting me for blocking her. But it was Kay. That froze me in my tracks.

    k- Hi, Mother (sarcastic on the word mother). Bet you are surprised. I know you hate your loser and blocked me like I don't exist.

    Me: (trying not to stammer) Oh! Hi! How are you doing?

    K- Cut the nice question @#$&. You don't care. We are way behind in our rent and owe for utilities but you won't help. You are a @#$&. You won't help, right?

    Me; Kay, we can't. help, dear. I am sorry you fell behind. What about Jaden....

    K-i#$&[email protected] (Voice laced with fury now) Jaden is fine. I am going to teach him not to be a shill like all of you. Just let me talk and get this out. Since you are SO SORRY (major rage and sarcasm)

    Me i wont listen to abuse. (But it was weak. I was in shock)

    K--(ignoring me) You tried to teach me to listen to authority, like Big Pharma, doctors, teachers...and to be a brainwashed shill like you. I am going to teach Jaden to think for himself and listen to his mom and dad and not the stupid academics. You and dad are so stupid to vote. All politicians are part of the this plot to control our minds! You are idiot sheeples and believe anything an authority figure says! Not me or Lee or Jaden! We think for ourselves!!!!

    Me- kay, stop.....

    K--The reason I have problems is because you vaccinated me. And your darling daughter and son have problems too all due to stupid brainwashing and vaccinations. Jaden is being taught the truth. You lied to me. Santa Claus is a huge lie. It traumatized me that you lied to me and told me Santa was real. You should NEVER lie to kids.

    Me-- Kay, I really have nothing to say about this but I love and.miss you.

    Kay--(ugly laughter) You @#$& sheeple. You don't love ANYONE. You are a NARCISSISTIC @#$&. I read about narcicists! Dad is one too! You ruined me!

    (I hang up and block this number, sit down and am off track. My husband sees me and asks who I was talking to.)

    We drop the days plans and go out to have coffee and talk. Kay is sicker than ever. We discuss how pot is legal all over now yet how we are told by so many people who are medical and feel that pot ruins the brain with overuse and triggers mental illness too. And Kratom is dangerous.

    We don't know if the crazy two decades of daily pot plus other enhancers caused this or what, but it didn't help. Kay thinks more crazily than she did when young before two decades of pot.

    We decided to go to our retreat this weekend and to not answer any calls that are not identifiable. I need to be more mindful, busy or not, of the phone.

    This call made me see all over again why we can't talk to Kay unless she gets help. The scary part is that we know that she really thinks how she talks. Poor Jaden, but nothing she is doing is illegal.

    God bless and I wish you a peaceful weekend.
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I wish there was a crying icon. Horrible.
    You did right by blocking her. You did right by telling her (even if it was in a weak voice) that you won’t listen to abuse.
    I’m glad you are in self care mode.
    I have to give this some thought.
    GEEZ. I’m so sorry. Horrible phone call. Truly.
    Blessings and good thoughts for peace.
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  3. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member


    I am so sorry you had to listen to that $#!+. As you know, those nonsensical attacks are standard go-to positions when our difficult ones don’t get what they wanted from us. Great job staying strong with her, and good for you to be going forward with your weekend retreat. I know it’s hard, but try to turn off your mind about this. It is just noise from an adult acting like a toddler in the midst of a tantrum.
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  4. Deni D

    Deni D Active Member

    Well that was pretty rough. I’m feeling shaken by it bit myself.

    I know it was terrible but I don’t think she’s any worse than she’s been mentally. I think she’s more stressed because she’s feeling backed into a corner with seeing you are not going to bail her out and she’s going to have to do something different to save their situation, and most likely she’s out of pot right now.

    Things could get a lot worse, my son did. He had a really good habit of shooting himself in the foot to get back at me when he was trying to get me to rescue him. I don’t know that I would have been able to finally hold up against it if there were a grandchild in the mix. I feel so bad for you and others with grand children in these situations.

    I think the rants are them letting off steam, or like they had indigestion and burped all over us. I’ve seen my son calm down quickly in the past after a tantrum like this, with no apology or acknowledgement he even did it. A very immature way to act which lines up directly with their immature lifestyle. She’s probably nice and calm after giving you the business like that and is bragging to someone about “straightening” you out.

    My son knows he has Bipolar disorder, even though he disclaims it currently, but some how he manages to keep a roof over his head and food in his stomach without help from me these days, over a year now. He started acting like your daughter when he started drinking and smoking pot and decided not to take his medication. At times in the past when he went back to taking his medication he calmed down the really out there behaviors. I’m praying your daughter and my son decide they have had enough of their situation and go get help for themselves.
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  5. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I hate that for you. You did the right thing by hanging up and not giving in. Kay could clean houses. Jaden is old enough to stay by himself a couple of hours while she cleans someone's house. It's not your fault they are behind on rent. Lee could learn to paint houses instead of delivering pizza. This time of year the demand for painting is huge. When you try to tell these things to some people they will give you fifty reasons why it cannot work that way. There is only so much you can do. Enjoy the retreat. Trying to give them advice to improve their finances won't help.
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  6. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    I'm so sorry. I came here today just to read a bit and gain strength to get through the day myself. I'm sure that's not the first time she tried to ambush you with a phone call. You're human, you picked up a phone. People should be able to answer phone numbers they don't know (and at worst think it is a telemarketer).

    Sending you BIG hugs. I'm sorry she derailed your day.
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  7. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Wow! I wasn't here for a few days , and am shocked this happened in the meantime. Big hugs to you, Busy. Nobody deserves to be spoken to this way. Nobody!

    It amazes me how these young adults think they will receive money from us when they verbally abuse us. I think the whole point was to see whether she could extract some money out of you since they are getting desperate about money and don't want to change.

    The call caught you totally off guard. You did very well handling it . I thought it was so nice how your husband went and got coffee with you to talk it through.

    I am praying for you to find your peace and serenity again.
  8. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Thanks to everyone. Crayola, absolutely true although Kay doesn't even clean her own house and might steal. Jaden is only near toddler age, but she could work when Lee is home. He works evenings. Kay could do restaurant work. She is pretty and good at math and comes across as very friendly. But she won't. Thanks for the reminder that she could work.

    Chickpea, I never dreamed she would call on a different phone. I should be able to answer the phone, you are right. Honestly, I can not remember the last time I talked to Kay without her asking for money. Been years. We used to do it.

    We are at the cottage now. We may stay here this week and let our son and a few other employees we trust take care of the business. Its so nice to get away.

    I am mentally wiped out.
  9. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    For some reason, I was thinking Jaden was around 8-9
  10. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Busy, I felt your entire post. I have been there and have walked in your shoes. When I decided to block my daughter not just from my phone but from my life, I screened each and every call knowing she would try to infect me with her toxcitity if I answered. I was extremely careful picking up the phone. If the call was from an unknown number I let the answering machine pick it up. My daughter tried to call me from different phones but I would not let her come through.. After not hearing her nasty tone and words I started to feel grounded and peaceful again. I just did not want to hear the deeply disrespectful tone, ugly words and hate. I was so done with it. There is an experiment with plants, if you talk very ugly to them you can kill them, can you imagine what ugly talk does to humans? I am sorry Kay found a way to get through and toxify you again. It is truly awful. I hope you will be dilligent about answering the phone and screen each and every call. I used to imagine that when I would answer my daughters call that a bucket of &^it would spray out of the phone, in reality that is how it felt. I know how much this hurts and I am so sorry.
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  11. SunnySad

    SunnySad New Member

    Busy, my heart goes out to you. I’m glad you were able to get away to clear your head.
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  12. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    I'm sorry I didn't see your post until today. I hope that you've been able to detoxify since the phone call. It's like getting slapped upside the head. It takes you off guard. Just awful.

    I, like others when reading it, stiffened up and felt tense inside. It triggered the same emotions in me that OS does to me with his ranting. I found it interesting she refers to "you" as a narcissist. My son, has said the same exact things about me and ex.

    The thing that always boggles my mind is who in their right mind would ever think that by blasting someone, degrading them, hurting them to the core, that they in turn would then "help them"? It makes absolutely no sense! This has happened to me so many times I can't count.

    I feel sorry for your grandson. Oh my, the confusion he's going to have to sort through at some point.

    Wishing you a peaceful week with your husband.
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  13. Deni D

    Deni D Active Member

    Raising my hand on the narcissist accusation also. Such upside down inside out thinking with these rants. So many things have been said to me by my son that would certainly apply to him with his current thinking. I don't know how to have any kind of conversation with this stuff. I don't know how to connect with him at all to turn a conversation around. I had to cut off all contact with my son because there's just no way for me to support him other than to agree with the crazy accusations and fictitious upbringing he describes, and I'm not going to do that. Has anyone been able to get through to their adult child while they are in this state? Mine has been there solid for quiet a while now so I'm at a loss.
  14. MommaB

    MommaB New Member

    Im so sorry BusynMember. I know full well how jarring a call can be. Know you’re loved. And we are here for you. Hugs.
  15. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I don't believe Kay knows what narcissist means. She heard it on Youtube or something. Its a new word to call your parents. Big on social media and with online therapy. Dysfunctional kids eat up the word.

    I don't believe it is possible to get the fiction out of our kid's heads. Their false memories partly happen because of who they are. They have to lie to themselves, just like they lie to everyone else, and they have to be right too. I don't try to talk sensibly to Kay on a rant. Waste of my time. She isn't willing to give up her false thinking even while calm. She won't concede she may be a little wrong. I hope your kids are different.

    I don't know if Kay and I will ever reconcile. I am done eating her crow. I refuse to hear her out when she means to be cruel or spouts conspiracy theories. I cant imagine how listening to her being abusive or out if touch with reality will help her recover. i just say I have to get off the phone. I am not going to enable childish behavior, mean dialogue or delusional thinking. I do not demean her ever. It is not my nature to yell or call names. But I also won't listen with respect while she is mean or nonsensical. But to have a relationship with Kay means I have to take whatever she dishes out and it literally makes me ill. I can not.

    I put up with more when I was younger. Now I want to block it out. I want to travel with my husband in our camper and maybe also overseas. I want to enjoy Amy and her kids and my son whom I will call Rick. I want to start bird watching and sing in the church choir and chill out. I don't want drama in my life anymore. I don't want the negativity of Kay.

    I hope one day Kay sees her life differently and changes. But until then, this is what I've gotten from her since her teens. And now I can no longer handle it.

    God bless.
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  16. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    You are an inspiration to me. I too don't know if adults sons will ever be better but you reinforce how important it is to block that nonsense. I've spent so much time trying to rationalize, explain, defend the insane stuff that comes out of the both of them (when they don't get $) when in fact, I could spend the rest of my life trying to figure them out to no avail. Too exhausting and depleting of my soul.

    I love them both and will always remember the kind-hearted children they were but for now they really don't resemble any of that. I think some of my hurt is "shame" as well. I am positive I did all I could to raise them right. It hurts when others brag about their adult children and I have "two" that live in their cars or probably on the street soon.

    I'm always diverting the conversation away so that I don't have to discuss them in any detail. I feels empty when I have to do that.
  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Wow! I would not want her in my life either. You did a great job handling it like you did.

    Practice self care and self compassion.

    We all support you!!
  18. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Dear Busy...I think you handled that very well, in spite of the shock of it. And I'm glad you are still resolved not to allow Kay to destroy your peace and joy and to live your life fully. I know, of course, that no matter how true it is that our kids are sick, it still hurts when they assault us like this. Every so often our son will borrow a phone and use it get around being blocked.
    My husband has him blocked but unfortunately he hasn't been able to figure out how to completely block Josh. Josh's texts go into a "spam" folder on his phone. This frustrates me because I want him to know he's being blocked. On my phone, text messages won't be received at all and the sender just gets a "retry" message until the block is removed so it's obvious it's blocked. For all I know, Josh may not even realize my husband has blocked him since the messages get through to the spam folder.
  19. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    You handled that great! Although my daughter does not verbally abuse us, she says FU in other ways, like her actions.
  20. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Sorry, I missed your original post.

    Oh my, Busy. I understand your reaction and everything you said. We are like deer in headlights. Kay's behavior is outrageous regardless of the cause and you were right to hang up. About a year ago, after reading some good books, I let May know I would hang up if she couldn't communicate in a positive way. I gave her one warning that I was going to hang up. She actually admitted she was going down the road of negativity and she started to act like a rational being... until. She just couldn't help herself and when it began again, I said, I am hanging up now, and I hung up. That is the last phone conversation I have had with her. My point is, we can't change their behavior, only our own. I hope that helps. by the way, my daughters drug of choice is alcohol. Substance addiction is common in people with conduct disorders.

    I read someone else does this too. I don't answer any calls that aren't in my contacts. If it's someone calling legitimately, they will leave a message.
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