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Kicked my 23 yr. old son out - was I wrong?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 648234" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Absolutely a good way to "look" at this. Also, a 23-year-old needs to be in his own place, notwithstanding the current trend of adult children living at home for much longer. </p><p></p><p>You are doing great! I see so much good thinking in what you are writing. It is changing how WE think about our adult difficult children that is helpful, and it will happen over time more and more if you continue to replace old thinking and behaving with new thinking and behaving. </p><p></p><p>The third aspect is feelings. It took me a while to understand that I needed to "look at" the issue of my feelings separately than my thinking and my behaving. I could think and behave differently and still feel devastated by his actions. The key is not acting on our feelings, and that is very hard to do with our adult difficult children as the scenarios last years and years and there are many twists and turns.</p><p></p><p>Today, what I try really hard to do is this: feel my feelings, whatever they are. Accept them as valid for me. Wait. Don't do anything based on my feelings. Let time take its time. Let several days go by. Lie in the bed and cry for hours if necessary. Stare at the wall when you're finished crying. Just let it flow through you and over you, while being very kind to yourself. Your feelings will not kill you. I used to think they would---the pain was so deep and wide. I didn't ever want to feel that way again. I have learned that there is healing and progress to be had in the midst of the pain, if I will allow the pain. </p><p></p><p>Another learning that goes along with this is that almost nothing is an emergency. I mean, I have learned this. When difficult child got stabbed/stabbed himself (long story) this past summer, the police came to the homeless day shelter, the ambulance came to the homeless day shelter, he was whisked away to the ER and then the social worker there called me to let me know. <u>Other people will take care of things that are true emergencies.</u> It doesn't have to be us---the mothers---not any more. This is the time to let other people in and trust that all things will turn out as they need to turn out. We have done our jobs, and we have done them well, not perfectly, but well. It's time to let go </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I'm so glad you have had this experience, even though I am so sorry that your brother's disease killed him. My brother is an active highly functioning alcoholic. My ex-husband is an alcoholic who does not drink anymore. My current husband is a recovering alcoholic. My deceased grandmother was addicted to Demerol. On and on. Most of us have long histories of experience with addiction. So...okay. It is what it is. Now---having dealt with my son's addiction for 5+ years, I see the value in having knowledge and experience from these other scenarios. Why? Because even though I am a very slow learner and I continue to make mistakes as I recover from the disease of enabling, it would have been even that much longer for me to start to change without this knowledge.</p><p></p><p>You see, I thought I could actually do something that would change the course of my son's addiction. I really did. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I so get this! For a time I would log into facebook so I could see if he was online or not. That was all I needed, just to know he was alive. </p><p></p><p>SeaGenie---there are going to be lots of hard times ahead when you have to stand firm and not participate in his disease. Sometimes you just won't be able to. </p><p></p><p><u><strong>That is okay. </strong></u></p><p></p><p>I used to live in mortal fear that one wrong move from me would be his ultimate undoing. Either doing something or not doing something. </p><p></p><p>One time in an Al-Anon meeting somebody said this: Wow, you must be the most powerful person in the world if you think you can control, manage, fix or even influence an addict's choices. Get this: You are just not that powerful.</p><p></p><p>For some reason, I really heard that statement that day. I heard it to the core of myself. I even laughed a little at myself because of course I thought that one more bailing out, one more "talking to," one more written contract, one more $50, one more whatever...and the tide would turn. And then everything would be okay.</p><p></p><p>Not. Addiction is a 40-foot-tall monster and we are powerless in the face of it. We are a tiny little speck. Addiction mows over everything and everybody in its path. It takes no prisoners. It simply destroys.</p><p></p><p>The sooner we can really understand this, the sooner we can stop. We can take a giant step back, and we can turn the bright light of change from our precious adult difficult children whom we love more than we love ourselves (way more, sadly) and then we can turn that bright light of change to where it needs to be: to us.</p><p></p><p>We must change. We must change for ourselves first, and then for our precious difficult children, if they are to have space and distance and time and a rock-bottom that is life-changing for them. The more we cushion each and every blow, the more we are literally killing them with our "help."</p><p></p><p>You are on the road already. We are here for you. We are Warrior Moms who continue to push forward, learning and changing and stumbling. It's all okay. </p><p></p><p>Be kind to yourself today. Do something really nice for you. It can be little or big---a candy bar, a bunch of flowers for your kitchen table, a nap, a walk, coffee with a friend. Turn the light onto your life. It's time---it's way past time.</p><p></p><p>He will do whatever he is going to do, and there is not one thing you can do about it. Accepting this kind of powerlessness over people places and things is incredibly liberating. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs. Glad you found this forum.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 648234, member: 17542"] Absolutely a good way to "look" at this. Also, a 23-year-old needs to be in his own place, notwithstanding the current trend of adult children living at home for much longer. You are doing great! I see so much good thinking in what you are writing. It is changing how WE think about our adult difficult children that is helpful, and it will happen over time more and more if you continue to replace old thinking and behaving with new thinking and behaving. The third aspect is feelings. It took me a while to understand that I needed to "look at" the issue of my feelings separately than my thinking and my behaving. I could think and behave differently and still feel devastated by his actions. The key is not acting on our feelings, and that is very hard to do with our adult difficult children as the scenarios last years and years and there are many twists and turns. Today, what I try really hard to do is this: feel my feelings, whatever they are. Accept them as valid for me. Wait. Don't do anything based on my feelings. Let time take its time. Let several days go by. Lie in the bed and cry for hours if necessary. Stare at the wall when you're finished crying. Just let it flow through you and over you, while being very kind to yourself. Your feelings will not kill you. I used to think they would---the pain was so deep and wide. I didn't ever want to feel that way again. I have learned that there is healing and progress to be had in the midst of the pain, if I will allow the pain. Another learning that goes along with this is that almost nothing is an emergency. I mean, I have learned this. When difficult child got stabbed/stabbed himself (long story) this past summer, the police came to the homeless day shelter, the ambulance came to the homeless day shelter, he was whisked away to the ER and then the social worker there called me to let me know. [U]Other people will take care of things that are true emergencies.[/U] It doesn't have to be us---the mothers---not any more. This is the time to let other people in and trust that all things will turn out as they need to turn out. We have done our jobs, and we have done them well, not perfectly, but well. It's time to let go I'm so glad you have had this experience, even though I am so sorry that your brother's disease killed him. My brother is an active highly functioning alcoholic. My ex-husband is an alcoholic who does not drink anymore. My current husband is a recovering alcoholic. My deceased grandmother was addicted to Demerol. On and on. Most of us have long histories of experience with addiction. So...okay. It is what it is. Now---having dealt with my son's addiction for 5+ years, I see the value in having knowledge and experience from these other scenarios. Why? Because even though I am a very slow learner and I continue to make mistakes as I recover from the disease of enabling, it would have been even that much longer for me to start to change without this knowledge. You see, I thought I could actually do something that would change the course of my son's addiction. I really did. I so get this! For a time I would log into facebook so I could see if he was online or not. That was all I needed, just to know he was alive. SeaGenie---there are going to be lots of hard times ahead when you have to stand firm and not participate in his disease. Sometimes you just won't be able to. [U][B]That is okay. [/B][/U] I used to live in mortal fear that one wrong move from me would be his ultimate undoing. Either doing something or not doing something. One time in an Al-Anon meeting somebody said this: Wow, you must be the most powerful person in the world if you think you can control, manage, fix or even influence an addict's choices. Get this: You are just not that powerful. For some reason, I really heard that statement that day. I heard it to the core of myself. I even laughed a little at myself because of course I thought that one more bailing out, one more "talking to," one more written contract, one more $50, one more whatever...and the tide would turn. And then everything would be okay. Not. Addiction is a 40-foot-tall monster and we are powerless in the face of it. We are a tiny little speck. Addiction mows over everything and everybody in its path. It takes no prisoners. It simply destroys. The sooner we can really understand this, the sooner we can stop. We can take a giant step back, and we can turn the bright light of change from our precious adult difficult children whom we love more than we love ourselves (way more, sadly) and then we can turn that bright light of change to where it needs to be: to us. We must change. We must change for ourselves first, and then for our precious difficult children, if they are to have space and distance and time and a rock-bottom that is life-changing for them. The more we cushion each and every blow, the more we are literally killing them with our "help." You are on the road already. We are here for you. We are Warrior Moms who continue to push forward, learning and changing and stumbling. It's all okay. Be kind to yourself today. Do something really nice for you. It can be little or big---a candy bar, a bunch of flowers for your kitchen table, a nap, a walk, coffee with a friend. Turn the light onto your life. It's time---it's way past time. He will do whatever he is going to do, and there is not one thing you can do about it. Accepting this kind of powerlessness over people places and things is incredibly liberating. Warm hugs. Glad you found this forum. [/QUOTE]
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Kicked my 23 yr. old son out - was I wrong?
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