Letter to Moms

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by mentalcase, Nov 7, 2018.

  1. mentalcase

    mentalcase New Member

    Hi Everyone! I'm new to this forum but I already feel at home. So many common scenarios. My son was 15 when he started smoking weed. I tried monitoring him with drug tests (that he would botch). I took him to counseling for a while and I noticed about 6 months ago his behavior had really changed. I knew he was high, but I didn't know on what. Well, turns out that he was using xannie bars pretty frequently. In two years he went from an honors student who played in sports to a kid arrested on multiple theft charges who was thrown out of his school. It's been a heartbreaking, gut wrenching journey. Do you know how there is that one moment, when you put all the pieces together, and nothing is the same after that? That happened to me when my son was rushed to the hospital from his school for being high. When they asked him to give a urine analysis, he kept spitting in the cup. They had to threaten him with a catheter so he'd give a clean sample. My denial that this was just a phase in adolescence and it would pass shattered. I wanted to share a "Letter to Mom's" that has helped me. I read it everyday before work. I hope it helps you as well (It's from an al-anon site)

    Dear Mom,

    You want to hear from Me about letting your son go. You are not abandoning him, as much as it may feel like it. You are simply transferring his wellbeing from your care to Mine.

    It was never My intention for you to direct, guide, and control his life. That is My role. Yours in the beginning was to love him, protect him, and teach him. You’ve done that. He was never yours to keep.

    To have peace, you must let him go. Your stubborn self-will only gets in the way of the plans I have for him.

    I know it is not your intention to interfere, but you are. You are not all-wise and all-powerful. You cannot remove his disease. You cannot love him to wellness. Only I can do that.

    You must trust that I care for your son’s wellbeing. You must trust that I love him more than your humanly love. My thoughts, My ways, My plans are bigger than you can comprehend. Your lives are so short, yet you waste so much in worry and fear.

    Yes, your son may cut his life short. That is not My intention, but it is his choice. He must trust Me also, and seek to have a relationship with Me. Only then can I work in his life. I will not force Myself on him or you. I am more than willing to be involved in your lives, but only to the degree you let Me. We both know what a struggle trusting Me has been for you.

    You can’t make it any easier for your son to trust Me. He has to find Me on his own, and he’s doing that to the best of his ability. Let him do that. Get out of the way. Love him as My child, the way I love you. But let him go so that he can be himself, whoever that may be.

    We’re in this together. You can come to Me anytime to tell Me your worries and concerns. I’ll listen. I always have. But I may choose to be silent. That’s My way of stretching you and growing you.

    I know you love your son, and I love you for that. But ultimately, he is My child, and I know what’s best for him. Entrust him to Me and you will grow. You will find the peace you want. You have so much in your own life to focus on. Focus on growing yourself, and let Me worry about your son.

    Loving you always,

    Your Higher Power
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This was beautiful mentalcase. Welcome.

    There are a number of threads right now dealing with this same thing and this letter is the heart of it all, for me.

    What makes it complicated for some of us is that some of our adult children have mental illness Traumatic Brain Injury or developmental issues, and they also self-medicate. It gets really hard for us as parents to know how to respond, with these adults that have issues that are complicated by organic or pre-existing conditions. I am in that camp. My son has mental illness, Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and developmental issues.

    Thank you for posting this letter. It helps a lot.
  3. mentalcase

    mentalcase New Member

    Thanks Copa. The truth is it's so hard to know what to do, what not to do. I feel like it's all trial and error. I'm not a psychiatrist or a drug counselor. I'm just a mom watching this all go down and half the time just sitting in shock. This letter just helps me recenter myself and know that it's not all on me to figure it out. There are people who are more qualified and whose job it is to help kids like my own out. My son is in the legal system now. Hopefully there will be some good that comes from that. A year ago I would have said that was the absolute worse thing that could happen- but today it's probably a blessing. We will see.

    Oh, and I also want to run away to another country..I just might!
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Mentalcase - have to chuckle at your handle on here!

    I feel like a mentalcase too at times.

    I have turned my son's life over to God many times in the last seven years. Then I would take it back at times. Not smart and did not help.

    I finally realized that I could not control THIS. This thing was way too big for me and I had to get out of the way.

    I had to accept that my son may die from this disease. An almost impossible thing to do but once I did that the pain lessened for me.

    I am so very thankful and blessed that he entered a faith based program 13 months ago. We forced it but he did stay. He knew he could not be close to us unless he changed. We wanted to be close to us which is what gave us power to force this. He needed long term for his brain to heal. Short term did not work for him.

    He will graduate next weekend and return to live with us in a new home in a new state. God works in his own time and not on our time. That is one thing that I learned from this horrible experience.

    My son is a changed man and I do hope and pray that he will be able to avoid temptation and "live a normal life" as he puts it. I know how heartbreaking it is to watch someone you love try to literally destroy themselves.

  5. mentalcase

    mentalcase New Member

    Thank you for the words of encouragement RN. I'm glad to hear your son got help and doing better. Give me some hope!
  6. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    Beautiful words. Beautiful message
    Thank you