Lies

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by WiseChoices, Feb 9, 2020.

  1. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Daughter works now, has own car (I signed my old one over to her), pays for gas and insurance, attends last semester of uni online for her bachelors.

    Got involved in the drama of workplace right away, is always out either working or hanging with work friends.

    I noticed today when I came home that she had been home but was gone again. No note telling me where she is. I texted asking and she said workplace. Lied she was on break and that they called her back go close. I knew right away it was a lie because they would not have her all morning and then have her close.

    She comes home way earlier than she would if she had closed and is in shorts. Keeps lying about having worked. I finally said "you were not at work , were you"? in a low key voice. She admitted she was out to dinner with friend but doesn't tell me who. Even says "I wasn't doing drugs or anything". States I am probably mad now .

    I am not mad .I am just blah, neutral, in a way I don't care. I am so detached , it doesn't matter. The lies have been going on for years, I am immune to it. Or numb. I told her I am not mad but that I don't understand why she has to lie about being out for dinner. She had a lie for that, too.

    So I am thinking there needs to be a consequence, and I don't want to live this way anymore. I think I will tell her I want her to move out by the end of March. She should be able to save enough money by then . I also don't want to pay for her gym anymore (she doesn't go) and I want her to cover her phone line on my plan .

    I don't know how else to deal with the lies. I can't change anyone. I can't make her be truthful. I can only think of my choices and actions. She will say I am being punitive but I don't think I care.

    Just yesterday she hugged me for the first time in months after she did not want to be touched by me anymore (which I respected). Hugged me tight ,said I love you so much, and that I was very important to her. I should have realized right then and there something was up.

    A few weeks ago, I picked her up from co-worker house after she texted me she was too high. And since told me that coworker gets high after every shift. And on another occasion told me another co-worker asked her why she is always in stoner's car . Yet every time she is out, it's with anyone but stoner - so I can see the lies. Pot wears off within 1-2 hours, so she can get high and come home looking normal. She doesn't realize that all these stories she tells me on different occasions I can piece together.
     
  2. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Part 2: there is a box of take out in fridge, so she at least picked up some food. Don't know whether they are actual leftovers.

    I feel drained and tired and exhausted from all of this . Only slept 5 hours.

    Al-Anon has this property write up and it says that the lies belong to the other person. But that does not mean we have to accept the lies or that we don't set a consequence .I am wondering whether I am overreacting. I have the butterflies in the pit of my stomach which typically means I am overreacting.
     
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    It is so hard not to get involved in their lives when they live under our roof. I think it actually could be impossible.

    I agree that if she can move out by the end of March it would be best for all. Does she have a friend or coworker that she can share an apartment with?

    Our son is working on his computer networking degree and I cannot wait until he is on his own. He has anxiety and has no friend or girlfriend right now. We have only lived here a year. He had no worthy friends in Illinois anyway so it's best. He seems content with his life but he knows we want him on his own; which I worry about because he is a loner of course.

    I, like you, am sick to death of worrying. If you have a magic answer I'd love to hear it!
     
  4. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I am going to suggest that it is unrealistic to expect grown age kids, especially wayward ones, to tell us where they are, who they are with and what they do. On the other hand, adult kids usually live away from home and pay their own bills, like phone and gym. As long as she lives with you, she will lie and you will feel violated for it. Why? Because you lovingly give her a home and pay some bills. I feel it is always best to help our beloved wayward children find other places to live. It doesn't seem to me to work well if they are home with us. Our expectations become higher than the ones they are willing to give us, which hurts us.

    At least if they live elsewhere, we have the luxury of distance. To me that really helps us, if not them too.

    No adult child wants to be under a parental microscope. Think of yourself at your daughter's age. My daughter would outright say "It's not your business!" Now we were paying a load for her, but she still did not feel she had to come clean, and she did not. On the plus side, she did live elsewhere but that was on our dime! I don't want you hurt like I was.

    I do not have answers as to what you should do, only loving thoughts to share. You have to do what you feel is best. One burden I would take off my shoulders, if this were me, is expecting the truth from a child over 21. I learned to not even ask questions. But we did find ways to make sure that our daughter did not live with us. Not good ways, but ways....

    Prayers and hugs. You can do this.
     
  5. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Wise, I'm sorry for your heart-ache and emptiness over how your daughter is treating you. Over the last year I found out a lot of bold-faced lies that my ex-husband told me throughout our marriage. He is an alcoholic and I wanted to believe what he told me and what he told me was what I wanted to hear. Not necessarily the truth. The I love you's were always flying around daily to throw a cloud of dirt over my eyes. Who could believe someone who says I love you so many times a day is also lying right to your face about other things? I couldn't imagine it. But what I do know now from therapy and years of Al anon, is that addicts will say and do whatever it takes to satisfy whatever their addiction is.

    They are not necessarily "bad" people, they are simply addicts who are controlled by their habit they will do whatever is necessary to continue their addiction.

    What I've found we have to do is get off that merry-go-round and fast! But with that said it took me 30 years to do it..LOL but not really funny. We love our children, we love our spouses and we think they think as we do. That is not the case. Their one and only sole motive is to continue their addiction. Plain and simple. Their advantage is that we love and care about them which is often our disadvantage in that we want so much for our relationships to work that we are always the one's trying to fix it, patch it up and make it look pretty. It's our way of not facing the truth. We think if we can deny they are taking drugs or drinking themselves into oblivion again that the problem isn't happening. As we say in Al anon, "If you deny the truth your life will become unmanageable."

    I've found we want so bad for everything to be "normal" so we can feel better within ourselves. But truth be told, we still feel in knots when we are denying the truth. It's only when we expose the problem that we can start the long road to healing. But not to be discourage. It is a long road, however, this time we're working towards something good that will bring peace if to no one else but ourselves to start with.

    Sending hugs!
     
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