Life has turned again...

Confused

Well-Known Member
Hello all. So things calmed down and was basiclly normal until even the idea of seeing his dad. Attitude since he saw him, (after years ) promises of a Disneyland, carefree dad, put lies in his head about me, even said this in front of me to him.

Why does my ex get what he wants, runs my life, ruins my life and hes care free?

It just continues but I just dont want to say anymore tonight or for a while.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I am sorry. Lots of kids of divorce do seem to want to know and see Dad even after we raised them alone and it doesn't seem fair.

Unfortunately kids do have two parents and sometimes this breaks somebody's heart . If the children don't see Dad, they do think about him and want to know him. And we seem to get screwed because we did everything and some father's, nothing at all. Then when there is contact they do the Disneyland things.

I did read that Dad's and Moms are different when interacting with their kids, even if they are together. I see this in my intact home. I set the hard boundaries and my husband is the one who says "Hey. let's go camping! They can clean up later." So he was always the fun parent. I didn't mind...we were married. But this difference has been a problem for many of my friends.

As their kids get older, they want to see Dad and he's more "fun" etc. Kids do want to know and will judge both parents by the standards of their young minds.

I have an adopted daughter whose life has been shaped by two "parents" she has never met and can't find , although she tries. They are from a less developed country so she can't find them yet. She will never stop trying.

We have been the bad guys since we brought Kay into a home full of love. Still she yearns for her biological parents that she is sure would be perfect for her. I'm sure she would find a way to steal money to fly to see them if she could find them. Even though Mom gave her up. That seems unfair too. We have loved her to pieces. It doesn't matter.

I have learned, through my daughter, that what I think should happen often does not and I have to accept it or die from pain. So since others need me I accept.

I don't know if this helped. I was searching for words and also to strongly tell you that life doesn't go how we wish all the time and to make sure you don't blame yourself. Maybe cut daughter a break too as she is young and this IS her dad and, no matter how angry it makes us, she loves him. Just like Kay literally worships a mother she never had.

It really stinks that life isn't fair. If God is in your life, give the situation to Him perhaps and try very hard to be happy even with this situation. We have no control over anyone but us. This includes even the minds of younger kids.

I pray your daughter sees the truth very soon. Hugs.
 
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BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I am sorry. I thought you had a daughter. A son adds another component to it. Sons want dads. Daughters do too but boys need father models and desire even bad ones. Are you remarried? Does he get along with your hub if you are?
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
Thanks for writing back. They haven't seen their dad in years because of their dads choice. Their dad has a record, acoholic, violent, controlling, feeds lies and broken promises, but yet carefree when it comes to raising kids. He fed him lies when he finally saw him. My son has been attitude and not listening to me since. My son has violent issues as well but all that stopped the last few years. Until his dad.....

I stepped back and let them have a relationship, but he didnt care for years. I didnt feel like rehashing everything.

Yes, I have a daughter with him. He has older kids, same issues with him.
 

Nandina

Member
Confused, I haven’t been in your exact shoes, but I feel for you, truly.

I do know what it was like to be raised without a dad, to think my mom was in the wrong and my dad was perfect. Of course, I was a little kid and didn’t know squat. As I got older, I saw my dad for who he was—alcoholic, irresponsible in some respects, never had money for child support, wanted to party with us instead of be a father, and all three of his grown children lost respect for him until he became sober many years later.

This is often what happens as children get older and more mature. They realize who actually parented them, the sacrifices that were made, and they begin to appreciate the parent who did all the work.

My feeling is that an alcoholic, carefree dad might have trouble living up to all the hype and promises he’s making to your son. He is bound to disappoint sometime.

Just keep being the mom that you are, the best mom you can be. Don’t denigrate the ex—take the high road. I know it hurts, being seen in this light by your son and ex, but keep in mind that someday your son will see and know the truth. If you are a praying person, keep praying.

We care and we are here for you. I’ve read some of your previous posts. Don’t ever think that you’re a burden on this forum. That’s what we’re here for, to listen and learn from each other. Hugs to you.
 

KTMom91

Well-Known Member
Confused, I get it. My daughter has dealt with an absent father her entire life, he's ignored calls, letters, etc. and when he did make a minor effort (he lived less than an hour away), she was an impossible person to be around for quite a while after that. My poor Hubby took the brunt of the hatred the entire time she was growing up.

Her 29th birthday was in August. Her father texted her, then went no contact. He was found dead in December. She still has so many questions that will never be answered, but she did say she was grateful that I had never lied to her. When she would ask about him, as children will, all I ever said was, "I have no idea why your father does what he does. You would have to ask him."

Many hugs to you and your kids. It's so hard on all of us, but especially on them.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Your biggest problem is if Dad lets him drink and party. I am hoping he has enough sense to want his son to do better than he did. Hopefully your son will realize who his father really is as he matures.

I am so glad you have a nice daughter. It so helps to have normal, nice kids who get it. My nice kids are my sunshine. I'm sure your daughter is a Godsend and can take a bit of the sting out of your son and his current behavior...

More hugs.
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
Thank you everyone. This is still hard and hurts. I'm really confused, torn and kind of just here, ya know?
What's the rite thing, give in knowingly how his dad is and let him live with him? Im 95%sure how its going to go. And it scares the bleepers out of me. The drinking, the lax rules, etc.

My teen is determined and I dont know what else to do...the best choice is me. But, at this point, what do I do?
 

Nandina

Member
Confused, I’m not sure I understand completely. Is your ex planning to have your son move in with him? And, how old is your son?
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
My ex is acting surprised but he kept telling him he can live with him. My son is 15 and decided he wants to. It scares me because I know my ex, I know my son. My son is needing proper guidance not lack of rules....
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
Well, to add I have been keeping my mouth shut, straight yes or not otherwise specified, no talking or looking at son per son's wishes. Just to keep him with me. But he still wants to leave...theres so many more details I'm just not going to say.

I feel has if a knife is being twisted in my heart. Again, I'm not perfect, but all the truths are lies to him. All his fathers lies are his truths.

He keeps asking me when, when
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
Confused, I'm sorry for all you're going through. It hurts when false truths are said about us but someone else pointed out to continue on the high road. I would not bad-mouth your ex to your son but sit him down and let him know that not everything your ex says is the truth and you are counting on him to keep that in mind if he chooses to go live with him. Of course, I don't know this for a fact but my perspective is that the anything goes attitude will end in a short period. There will be a "honeymoon" type period where it will feels like the guys got it under control but it is inevidible that your son will begin to push the boundaries and let's face it he will not like even the slightest bit of discipline and will realize this isn't what he thought it would be.

Also, having lived with an alcoholic husband for years and years their true colors do not take long to shine through. The ugliness of the drinking and their ability to say and do anything while drunk leaves loved ones hurt while the alcoholic doesn't apologize or even remember what they did or said. Sadly enough, it will quickly turn from rainbows and sunshine to the reality that this disease brings.

Again, my perspective, but even if your son opts to live with him, I don't feel it will be for long. You will then have some work to do getting him back in line but I wouldn't give up hope yet.
 

Nandina

Member
I agree that it probably wouldn’t last long if your son ended up living with the ex. Alcoholics are notoriously unreliable and it will just be a matter of time before the ex decides he doesn’t want that much responsibility or can’t handle it along with his drinking. But your ex’s unreliability/irresponsibility will impact your son and his behavior and actions. Are you able to talk to your ex at all? It seems one or several conversations would be in order regarding expectations, rules, etc. before attempting to let your son move there. Are you certain your ex would let him drink or wouldn’t have any rules? Or would he just be too out of it or absent to care?

How does your son handle rules in your own home? How does he treat you? Has the juvenile justice system ever been involved? Sorry for all the questions, Confused, but I’m just tying to get a better picture of what you might be up against and possible options.

If he did go to live with his dad and it was disastrous, ie. dad letting him drink or drug, no rules and son was becoming uncontrollable, since he is still a minor, I would think the court system could get involved. Sometimes that is what it takes. Then, they make the rules under which your son must comply, like possibly a curfew, etc.

I think there are resources out there for someone in your shoes, but it may include getting the legal system involved, and I don’t know how you feel about that. I had to do it as well as have many others here. Sometimes it’s the only way to get relief for a child who is at risk.

Many hugs
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I am chiming in late. Do you have sole legal custody, or is it shared? Even if it is shared, doesn't the court have to approve a change? If your ex has shared custody and an arrangement already approved by the court, I don't see you have much of a choice, unless you fight it. And if your ex has so many problems, perhaps it is the best thing to fight this? I don't put all the weight on what your son wants although it is a factor. You're the parent, and in your eyes, this could be dangerous and damaging to him. If he was 18, that would be another story. I went to live with my Dad, (similar) to your ex) when I was 18 or 19. It was a disaster. And I left. But your son at 15 Is more vulnerable, with less capacity to evaluate a situation, by virtue of his age, and his gender. Boys mature later.

I would not hesitate to fight this, if that is what you think is in the interests of your son. The custody status, legally speaking, will determine the range of options. What your son "wants" is only one factor. What he needs, and what the law says, also matters.

I am very sorry for the distress this is causing.

PS I agree with the counsel Nandina gave you.
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
I don't have time to address everyone individually. But thank you. It's been hard trying to walk on eggs shells again and for everything he wants to a tee not being able to read his mind. He picks fights for the littlest things and explodes. Than I yell back afterca while. So, it's as if i just have too give free reigns until he goes with his dad. I dont want that. I don't want him to move.

Yes I have custody but none of us can live like this anymore. He wont stop until hes with his dad. I know because hes like his dad I think. I made a mistake and now his dad his mad at me, but I understand.

Going to work on days like this really puts me in a bad place. It's hard to work when I don't know if any drama is going on at home, I'm exhausted.
 

Nandina

Member
Confused, does your son stay home during the day, and is there anyone else in the house? If there were someone else, are they safe with him? I’m not sure I understand if your son is also violent or just verbally abusive (which is bad enough). Hugs to you
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
He has two adults with him and hes safe with them. But being the mom, I just need and want to be here in any case for him, his sister etc.(Sisters) Hes not violent anymore, been a couple of years. Verbally is just getting bad again and I dont want it to get the way it use to be again.

He was calm until his dads fun time rules. A little background is yes, various mental illness does run on my side of the family. He has been diagnosed. But their dad has his own issues as did some of his family all undiagnosed. Not blaming everything on their dad, as I said it's a little of everything. But it makes it worse under his rules lack of. There is the school rule to do it is the same, my ex and I agree.

I don't know, I'm trying to avoid any situation that could make him more vulnerable to not listen more.
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
So we have to only answer yes or no questions to my son, cant carry conversations even to each other in front of him because it annoys him. So, we haven't but than my sister made conversation with me, he got mad and she made comments that he cant control us. He blew and cried daddy.

All has been pretty much calm until now. He acts over cautious with us on the covid and clean hands,but not his dad. I know hes doing this on purpose to drive us crazy so he can live with his dad and blame everything on us. Again, not perfect but still.

I don't know what to do still.
 

Nandina

Member
Confused, it sounds like your son is just trying to control you to see how powerful he can be. No talking in front of him? Really? You can’t continue to walk on eggshells like that for anyone! Have you all tried any form of therapy or counseling? If your son refuses to go with you, go alone if you possibly can. I don’t know what advice to give you except that you can’t let a 15 year old kid control your every move. He is a minor. You are still in control. I know this is so hard and I’m sorry you’re having to go through it. More hugs.
 
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