Long Overdue update

[toughlovin]

Hi Everyone,

I am sure there are some of you who have no idea about me since I have not been on here for a long while. I used to come here a lot and then the app for my phone stopped working and I rarely use the computer. I just checked and the app is back so I may try that again.

Anyway I have a son who thankfully is still alive....we have been through the wringer with him for years.

I can't remember where we were when I was last here. But he moved back here from out of state, lived with us for a year and things got bad. We finally got him a place to live because it was so hard on us to have him living here. Things went really down hill and he started using heroin. He did have a car and he was working delivering pizza. He was talking to us about getting treatment and I found a place an hour from us that really does dual diagnosis treatment. So he was agreeing to go to that and after quitting his job decided to get high "one last time". He crashed and totaled the car. I am incredibly thankful that it was a one car accident and no one else was hurt. He was arrested, spent two weeks in jail until we could get him accepted into treatment. I do like this place, their model is dfferent than other programs.
He spent 3 months in residential and is now living in an apartment and in their outpatient program.
However he is currently relapsed....he says he is getting back on track but has rescinded all releases so the program can't talk to us. I think he is totally playing us.... and at this point I am just backing off until iI hear that he has resigned the releases. The whole thing is so sad and tiresome. He makes progress and then things he has it all figured out and can do it on his own... and he never can. My hope is that he will get the help he needs from them. I am thankful they are there for support so I can step back.

I am doing pretty well really. I am living and enjoying my life and have really got that this is all out of my control.

TL

 

[Triedntrue]

I do not know you from before but welcome back. I am sorry your son is still having trouble. It sounds like you have got it together as best as any of us can.

 

[pasajes4]

I do remember you. It is good to "see" you again. I'm sorry to hear that your son is still struggling, but thrillef that you are enjoying your life. Stick around and post when you need to

 

[CareTooMuch]

Thanks for updating, so sorry to hear he's backsliding, but it does sound as if you have learned how to live your life again. How old is your son?

 

[Copabanana]

Tl.

Wow. What a lot. Heroin. Oh my.

There is hardly a parent here who went the mile for their kid like you did. You and his dad. Compassion. Support. Back up.

So what this reinforced to me, yet again, is that is not about what we do or do not do. Not even 1 percent.

My son wants me to think that. That I am the one failing. And I buy in. Wrong.

Tl. How were you able to break free?

 

[Kalahou]

is not about what we do. Not even 1 percent.

What a gem, Copa! I sure needed that hammered in again!
It's a bit of freedom, knowing there is really nothing I need to do that will make a difference ....
Gracias.

Glad to "see" you back TL. Yes! You've got this! You show your strength.
We are here for you and understand. Take care.

 

[toughlovin]

Tl.

Wow. What a lot. Heroin. Oh my.

There is hardly a parent here who went the mile for their kid like you did. You and his dad. Compassion. Support. Back up.

So what this reinforced to be, yet again, is that is not about what we do. Not even 1 percent.

My son wants me to think that. That I am the one failing. And I buy in. Wrong.

Tl. How were you able to break free?

Tl.

Wow. What a lot. Heroin. Oh my.

There is hardly a parent here who went the mile for their kid like you did. You and his dad. Compassion. Support. Back up.

So what this reinforced to be, yet again, is that is not about what we do. Not even 1 percent.

My son wants me to think that. That I am the one failing. And I buy in. Wrong.

Tl. How were you able to break free?

How did I break free?

Well sometimes are harder than others. At the moment when I think he is probably using something, is not having much contact and even though there is a program working with him they can give me no info because he has taken away their release to talk to me I am more worried. So I am thinking about and worrying about him more. I hold onto the fact that he is not on the street and at least someone would know and contact me if he died. So I dont really feel free at the moment. But still itbis not like it once was. I am still loving and enjoying my life.

What helped? First was making a consious decision not to let him ruin my life no matter what happened. 2nd alanon helped me a lot. Knowing I am not alone and there are other good parents out there dealing with these kind of issues. 3rd finally accepting the mantra that this is not my fault. I truly did the best I could at the time. Yes I made mistakes. I would do some things differently if I had a do over. But I have given him my all and continue to be there and I cant go back. 4th and this is key I have found things in my life that i really enjoy and I do them. Sometimes I need good distractions.

 

[EarthIsHard]

toughlovin,
It's hard not to worry though you are right, at least he's still in the program. Good to see you are enjoying your life!

 

[New Leaf]

Hi TL, it is nice to see you, though I wish the circumstances for your son were different.
The thing is, he is making attempts. It may take a few for him to break free.
I think it is the same for us. It takes time to work through the grief of this, to go through all of the stages of grief and our desperate attempts to save our kids, to come to recognize that they have to save themselves. They have to want to save themselves.
I see this overall synchronistic decline in our own lives, as we try to deal with the disastrous choices our beloveds make.
The term used is codependency, I dislike that term.
I get it, it is unhealthy for us to live our lives dependent upon what others choices are. But I do believe that it takes time to learn to grab our own lives back and pull up and away from addictions hold on our adult children and subsequently, us.
I am glad to see that you are pulling away from that hold, and doing things to build yourself up. I believe that focusing on our own health and well being truly helps our beloveds to understand that that is what they need to do. We are their first mentors.
Breaking free from the grip of addiction. I think it festers over and tries to snatch us too, tries to destroy our lives along with our adult children, so that we become so wrapped up that we can’t think straight. We start to lose ourselves. Grieve over mistakes made, blame ourselves. Our addicted loved ones relish in giving over accountability for their own actions, it is a part of the disease that infects us, as we reel those tapes looking for answers, when the true answer is that our kids grew up and made bad choices.
Accountability. It is such an important key for all humans to learn and grow from our experiences. I believe as we begin to take our lives back, we release accountability to where it belongs.
With our adult children.
We stop blaming ourselves, and they cannot keep blaming us. They have to look within.
It doesn’t mean we don’t care what happens to them.
It means we know that sacrificing our own lives will not stop them from the paths they travel, the choices they make.
I am glad you are finding ways to bring joy to your life.
I’m glad you posted TL, I have missed you, and others who post and then don’t. I always hope that means they are doing well and making strides in their own lives. It seems this is true for you, dear sister.
As far as the worry. I have found that when my thoughts turn to wondering, then that sinking dread about my two, I take a deep breath and say a prayer.
It helps to create a shield of faith and hope that someday soon they will find their true potential.
In the meantime, finding my own has become my goal. I hope you find yours as well, along with peace of mind.
You have done so much for your son.
He has that to fall back on, and the strength within himself to choose better.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[toughlovin]

Leafy i agree with all that you say!

The food news here is we talked to our son and the program tonight. He signed the releases and seems to want to get back on track. Time will tell bit this was a shorter relapse than in the past.

 

[Littleboylost]

Hi Everyone,

I am sure there are some of you who have no idea about me since I have not been on here for a long while. I used to come here a lot and then the app for my phone stopped working and I rarely use the computer. I just checked and the app is back so I may try that again.

Anyway I have a son who thankfully is still alive....we have been through the wringer with him for years.

I can't remember where we were when I was last here. But he moved back here from out of state, lived with us for a year and things got bad. We finally got him a place to live because it was so hard on us to have him living here. Things went really down hill and he started using heroin. He did have a car and he was working delivering pizza. He was talking to us about getting treatment and I found a place an hour from us that really does dual diagnosis treatment. So he was agreeing to go to that and after quitting his job decided to get high "one last time". He crashed and totaled the car. I am incredibly thankful that it was a one car accident and no one else was hurt. He was arrested, spent two weeks in jail until we could get him accepted into treatment. I do like this place, their model is dfferent than other programs.
He spent 3 months in residential and is now living in an apartment and in their outpatient program.
However he is currently relapsed....he says he is getting back on track but has rescinded all releases so the program can't talk to us. I think he is totally playing us.... and at this point I am just backing off until iI hear that he has resigned the releases. The whole thing is so sad and tiresome. He makes progress and then things he has it all figured out and can do it on his own... and he never can. My hope is that he will get the help he needs from them. I am thankful they are there for support so I can step back.

I am doing pretty well really. I am living and enjoying my life and have really got that this is all out of my control.

TL

It is indeed sad and tiresome. Live your life and know you have done so much to help him the rest is up to him.

 

[RN0441]

Welcome back. I do remember you. And like Leafy, I thought your son was doing well and that is why you stopped posting.

I agree that we have to try to live our lives the best WE can because we just have this one life too. This isn't a dress rehearsal for any of us.

Our son is doing well in his current long term faith based program. This is the only thing that has truly helped him to stay sober long enough to reflect on his life and past mistakes and everything that he has to be truly thankful for. He has been away two years in May and it has made my life easier; out of sight out of mind. I have also been working on my detachment and surprisingly it finally "took". I have had to use it for other relationships in my life also.

This isn't what any of us want for our adult children but it's not our choice. I never dreamed that our family would have to endure all of this. I felt that I already had a lot of bad things happen to me in my life so I had already paid my dues. I don't know why I thought that but I just did. Then life has a way of setting you straight.

I'm so glad your son is in this program and I do hope that this is truly the beginning of his recovery. Addiction is such a selfish disease. They don't realize what they put us through. I feel a lot of resentment toward my own son and am trying to work through that but I really don't know how.

We're here for you.

 

[Lil]

Good to see you again TL. Like everyone, I'm sorry your son is struggling again. But, I'm very glad you are hanging in there. Even when they are doing well, it's so hard to relax, worrying about them going off the rails again. As always, we are here and you are not alone.

 

[toughlovin]

Thank you. My hope is that he learned from this relapse which was shorter than the past. We had a convo today with him and the tx team. I asked him what triggered this one and he couldnt put his finger on it. Said he had drank without a problem a couple times and did ok but then it wasnt ok. He said he doesnt jump off the cliff he rolls down the hill which is what I think happens to a lot of addicts. So my hope is that he really understands something better now. This was not due to some terrible thing that happened so hopefully rhis lesson will make him stronger