|Looking for coping stratagies

[SmallTownMom]

I am brand new to this site, I am from a small town in British Columbia, Cananda and am discouraged to find so little support out there. I am a 36yr old single mom with 2 wonderful boys. My oldest is 12 and excells in everything he does. My yougest is almost 9 and has a diagnosis of ADHD, ODD and Turretts. He is on 36mg of Concerta and that seems to be having a good effect on him at school. We are starting him on Risperidone this week. My main struggel is parenting 2 totally different children. I pick and chose my battles with my yougest, there are certain things he does that are just not worth the fight |(eg. singing at the top of his lungs while we are trying to watch tv in the next room), but my oldest responds with " I know you are not picking favorites but sometimes it feels like it, you wouldn't let me sing like that". I feel bad that I treat them differently, but they are such different kids.... is what I am doing wrong|?

 

[DaisyFace]

Hello and Welcome!

I think with your two kids, honesty is the best policy.

In my house, my difficult child is the oldest....and so we often end up holding the younger child to a higher standard. Seems backwards - but it is what it is. We've just been honest with him. We know you are capable of more - so we expect more from you.

So you're not doing anything wrong - but some days, it probably feels like it!

(((Hugs)))

 

[SmallTownMom]

Thanks daisyface,
I have always been open and honest with my odest, he is a smart kid and he seems to understand whyI do what I do, he just doesn't like it.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Hi, Lavender...

Wanted to add my welcome... to a fellow Western Canadian!

There are ways to treat them both "different" and "the same", at the same time.
It takes a shift in thinking, though.

Did you ever see or hear about the book "The Explosive Child"?
It's a different take on challenging kids... including presenting a different approach to parenting that works better for these kids.
The interesting thing is, this strategy also works well for not-so-challenging (i.e. typical) kids.

I have two, too... one next-to-easy child and one formerly-major-difficult child-becoming-almost-typical. And we now parent both of them the same.

Some of the irritating stuff is harder to work around. But... what's "fair" for chores? In our house, K2 does more "chores", no question - especially in terms of time required. K1 can't spend that much time on chores - that's just the way it is. However... K1 is prepared to do the chores that K2 absolutely hates (like garbage duty and other "dirty" jobs). K1 now understands K2's limitations... but there's a win in it for K1... it has reduced the friction over chores and "fair".

 

[SmallTownMom]

I have recently heard of that book.. we are in the process of looking for it. I was also given some great links to a Russell Barkley and a Ross Green. I get overwhelmed when reading these sites. I know that what I am doing is working, but there is so much more to do. I have faith that it will work out, I just with it was easier on the kids.

 

[InsaneCdn]

The Explosive Child is by Ross Greene... so is Lost In School (the same concept, from a school perspective).

I'm still thinking ...

 

[family mum]

Welcome.
Try looking at some of the comments on the sibling rivalry thread, that might help with easy child. I have one older and one younger than my difficult child, it is always a balancing act to make sure they all get what they need from Mom.

 

[Bunny]

In my house, my difficult child is the oldest....and so we often end up holding the younger child to a higher standard. Seems backwards - but it is what it is. We've just been honest with him. We know you are capable of more - so we expect more from you.

That's how it is in our house, too. I get upset sometimes because it seems like easy child is getting the short end of the proverbial stick alot of times.