Losing my little girl

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Veronica, Apr 24, 2019.

  1. Veronica

    Veronica New Member

    Hello - I am new here - I was reading some of the stories and the answers are exactly what I have been hearing from my family. My daughter is 19 and in jail 3 states away! She started with a bad crowd in high school. She graduated, thankfully. But has had one bad boyfriend after another. This last one being the worst, obviously. Just like the comments Ive seen. She tells me what I want to hear, so I feel bad and want to bail her out. But if I say, No. She gets mean and says I dont care about her and things like that. My heart has been broken over and over. Im trying to do the tough love thing and tell her she made her bed and she has to sleep in it now. But she is so young and I feel Im abandoning her. But I also feel, if I bail her out, she will run and not make her next court date. I dont think she is grasping the severity of what is happening. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for the past few years with her.
  2. 2TiredMom

    2TiredMom New Member

    My heart hurts for you. You know my first husband had MH issues. I didn’t know or recognize it. My son that I currently have issues with is not my only cross. I have a 29 yr old dtr. For years she has been ‘mommy mommy - daddy daddy’ then after she gets what she wants she’s off and I’m the ass. It didn’t start out where I recognized it right away. But she has now estranged me for 4 years. First she drained my bank account of over $14,000 to pay for a lawyer to help her get custody of her dtr from her ex husband, only for her to run off with her ex husband. Ruined my car, committed welfare fraud, and I supported her for 2 years. Let me tell you before you find yourself in a hole and kicking yourself— it doesn’t pay to be nice to these kids. The best thing to can do is get a good counselor, maybe family too. Take care of you!! Please ❤️
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, V

    One thing you must realize—she isn’t your little girl anymore. She is a grown woman who does bad things and runs with bad people.

    Let her pay the consequences, not you.

    Of course she will try to guilt you into giving her what she wants. Don’t fall for it.
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  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Sadly, the prisons are full of women whose lives were ruined by bad men. But, when it comes down to it, a woman has to be in control of her own behavior.

    It sounds like your daughter has a way of attracting losers or may be drawn to them somehow. She needs counseling to help her figure out why she keeps picking bad boyfriends. Does she think she doesn't deserve better? Does she think that kind of behavior is normal or socially acceptable? Does she not have enough self esteem to set higher standards? If she spends her life letting bad men manipulate her, she may end up in jail again.
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  5. Endoftherope

    Endoftherope New Member

    Hello and welcome,
    I’m very new here too. I don’t have a whole lot of advice to offer, but I agree that your daughter is an adult and you are not abandoning her. She’s an adult making bad decisions, and she needs to learn from them! Your rescuing her will not teach her any lessons. Our adult children know how to manipulate us and make us feel bad. We are caring parents, so it’s easily to get sucked into their pleas for help. Take care of yourself. I am VERY sorry that you are going through this. We care about you here. Please keep posting!
  6. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    This may sound kind of corny, but get on YouTube and watch the episode of "Little House on the Prairie" titled "Days of Sunshine, Days of Shadow".
  7. 2TiredMom

    2TiredMom New Member

    Isn’t that the truth!
  8. 200Meters

    200Meters A real bustard

    This can be one of the hardest things to internalize. We so much want to see them as the little boys & girls we remember and it is difficult (very) to realize that they're not.

    What Endoftherope said.

  9. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    First of all something i didnt realize about bail they can not only take the amount of bail if she runs but i was told they can charge you additional money to help find her. So if you even think she might run don't bail her out. Secondly if you bail her out she will expect you to do it again next time and there will most likely be a next time. If she doesnt have a home to go to is another problem. I am sorry you feel the need to be here but welcome. When my son realized i meant it when i said no more bail he tried harder to stay out of trouble.
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    If she does not grasp the severity of what is happening to her yet, do you believe it is reasonable to expect that she would understand what bail is, and what would be the consequences to you if she absconded, did not make her court date? Do you believe she comprehends let alone cares about the consequences to you, whatever they might be?

    I believe it would be self-destructive of a parent to put up money in these circumstances. And it would be hurtful to the child, to enable her to run/to abscond/not to report. You would be putting the wind in her sails to do worse...to you and to herself.
    This would further destroy your relationship and you would be responsible for helping her to destroy her life more. She is way better off where she is.

    We all of us here, are wracked with guilt, fear and anger. We have become out of control..as we feel at the effect of the choices of our children. The purpose of this site, as I see it, one of them, is to recover ourselves. We cannot help our children. No matter how much we want to. But we can help ourselves.

    Really. That she is mean to you when you don't do exactly what she says, is the least of it. What do you care? She is a brat who has gotten herself in a huge mess. The last thing she feels is responsible. Better to blame you. That'll work real good.

    She's an immature, wild girl who has gotten herself in a world of hurt. You are her parent, not her friend. You have a role to play. Stand strong. Not allow her to mistreat you. Not help her to dig a bigger and deeper hole. Support her to face her situation and to act responsibly. You can do this.

    We are all of us in these types of situations or have been. All of us want to help our kids out of their predicaments. We care about them. Yes. And we also want to extricate ourselves from the nightmares we find ourselves in. By controlling them. Or rescusing them. We believe that our salvation rests in them and their getting better. This is not true. Our way out is to do the right thing as parents, which means to not jump in the hole with them. And our way out is to center our lives in ourselves.

    I hope you stay here. Posting helps. You will find here friendship, good counsel, support, and you will find yourself.
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    Last edited: Apr 25, 2019
  11. 200Meters

    200Meters A real bustard

    I've got to remember this; well said!

    See above.

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  12. overcome mom

    overcome mom Member

    So sorry to hear of the problems with your daughter. My son is currently in jail. He has been locked up many times and still hasn't figured it out. I have bailed him out in the past but not for a long time. My justification for doing this was he was young and I didn't want him to have a record that would follow him for the rest of his life. Well he showed me, he just kept getting in more and more trouble. For me, personally I felt like I needed to do this to give him a chance. If I could have seen in the future I would have not done it. In the past he has missed his court date and things were worse for him. I really didn't realize how much his drug usage was affecting his decision making. You didn't say if your daughter is using drugs. I have long thought that people pick friends they are most comfortable with. If she is a drug user or thinks less of herself those are the friends she will choose. It is not so much about the men she choose but about herself. You can still support her but just not bail her out. You can send her books to read, you can offer help with counseling when she is released. You can even put a little money on her books. I know that some people think you shouldn't give them anything but she is still being punished sitting in a little cell ,having people tell her when she can shower and eat.
    I know how hard it is when they are crying on the phone. I just went through it last week. The good thing is my son called me back later that day and apologized. This is an improvement for him. I still wonder if he is doing it to stay on my good side but he has been pretty good about not acting if I owe him for the last 8 months or so. Hang in there.