Lost

[tiredalways]

Hello, 8 tears ago my brother and sister in law got into trouble with the law. I stepped in with my husband and help their three kids that was taken into foster care. My husband and I took over their foster care and thought it would only be for 6 months. What could be worse than losing your kids. We did not have any kids of our own. Well 8 years later we have custody of them, their father was killed in a motorcycle accident and the kids have not seen their mother since the funeral 6 years ago. The kids are very disrespectful, one has ADHD, the 15 year old has started expriementing with drugs. The 18 year old is pregnant with twins. I'm lost and do not what to do. I'm tired and cannot do this anymore. THe 11 year old and 15 year old boys are very verbally abusive and go on rampages when the do not get thier way. The 18 year old lies, steals and does nothing to help. All three children think the world owes them everything and they do not have to listen to anything any family member says. My parents and the kids uncles do not do anything to help, if anyting they just enable the kids. HELP HELP. What am I to do. I'm seriously thinking about turing custody over to the state or to another family member, I now in my heart that this is not best for the kids, I feell I cannot take anymore. ANY ADVISE PLEASE,

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. Glad you dropped by. Many people will try to help you, if we can. First of all, how kind and generous of you and your husband to step in for these kids. Even if they don't understand what you did and maybe don't appreciate it, WE know how hard it can be.

I have some questions to ask you. First of all, have these three kids ever had evaluations done by a neuropsychologist or Psychiatrist (with the MD)? If not, I highly recommend doing that to the younger two. The oldest is no longer of age when you can do much unless she wants to get help. But the younger two can. Once you have them evaluated you can go from there.

PS--Guess I got some of it wrong. The pregnant young woman should have a full time job and plan on watching her babies herself. The 15 year old is the drug user--she's the one who needs rehab. Sorry.

Are there mood disorders or substance abuse on the family tree? Any mental illness? Neurological problems? I am guessing that the oldest probably has more going on than ADHD.

There is also possible attachment issues with all three children. Look up "attachment disorder" in the search engine of your choice. Attachment disorders often/usually do not stand all alone, but they are often co-morbid with other disorders in children who had big parental separations in their lives, like these kids did.

For the eighteen year old, I'd give her an ultimatum...drug rehab or leave. We had to do this for one of our kids and she left, but she did straighten out. I would give her no money, no insurance for any car, not even use of your car. She could get into it while high and kill herself or others or both. If she wants money, make her get a job. She can bike or walk or you can drive her, if you like. But I'd make her start working on herself or else make her leave.

I suggest going to Al-Anon (you'll get a lot of support there).
Meanwhile, schedule evaluations, and my professional of choice is a neuropsychologist. The testing is very intensive. They test for hours and often find things that were missed before.

Others will come along with their own suggestions. I am happy you posted.

 

[tiredmommy]

Hello and welcome. {{{Hugs}}}. I can sense the despair you are feeling. I don't have any advice, but others will be along soon.

 

[TerryJ2]

Hi Lost,
Welcome.
I hear you. So sorry.
That was so wonderful that you took the kids. I have a friend who did that, but she knew in advance that it would be permanent.
You've gotten some excellent advise from Midwest Mom, and she asked the same questions I would have.
Did you do any counseling when their dad died?
How is your husband and your marriage holding up?

 

[change]

You are not alone. I can totally relate to your feelings. DO NOT FEEL guilty about them Take care of your and your husband's needs and especially your marriage. You've been through ENOUGH. You're not crazy feeling like the kids are thinking they're "entitled" to things or their reckless behavior. Sadly, I've seen my share of that and I don't have any answers for you. In my case we went througha TON of therapy and medications and evaluations but it came down to therapists telling us we'd done our best and it was definitely up to our son so make up his mind to stop being self-destructive. Unfortunately, he did something horrible to our daughter so he's no longer in our home and I have mixed feelings about that but I admit it's also way more peaceful. It didn't come without a very heavy price though. I wish you lots of luck and the best advice I can give you is to take care of you and your husband and find time for yourselves in all of the yuckiness.

HUGS

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Welcome to our little corner of the world. So glad you found us but sorry you had to.

The fact that you took on these kids speaks volumes about your character (you AND hubby). it is SO tiring when these kids of ours act out.

Midwest Mom gave some very good advice. I don't know how old the youngest is, but if you haven't already, maybe get your hands on the book "Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It helps with dealing with challenging children.

Pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee, and know that we are all in your corner. Hugs.

 

[tryinghard]

Tiredalways

You and your husband did a very kind and selfless thing. I am so sorry that the kiddos are not able to see that and make things easier on you. I want to tell you that this board has been a godsend to me. I have struggled many times and come here for advise or just to post to people you have been there and done that...

Welcome..we understand and care....

 

[Wonderful Family]

Sorry to hear you have to go through all this; but as some of the others have said - we do understand. Start out by taking care of you and your husband first as you can;kind-of like starting oxygen for yourself first in case of a plane crash - and then the children.

 

[house of cards]

Welcome, I agree you can't do much with the 18 yo unless she wants help and evaluations/counseling might get the others help. The only thing I can add is realize that they are growing up and will be out of the house at some point. This site will help lighten the load, post often.