Message to my son

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Lost in sadness, Jan 24, 2018.

  1. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Ok, son made contact saying that if I could help him with finding a roof over his head then that’s great otherwise he is fine. Basically translated as: I need you to sort this otherwise you are no longer useful!He then said to call him at LUNCHTIME as he has no access to communication all day. This message came at 1.40am this morning!! I can see he was still up at 3am.

    My reply was below, of course, I feel bad now for suggesting he too is a ‘scumbag’ but then I never used the word, he did. Is my reply ok? X

    “(Name) i have no other options on housing that I haven’t already given you I’m afraid. I do not understand why you are up until 1,2,3am and then in bed until ‘lunchtime’!!?
    You say you don’t want to go somewhere with ‘scumbags’. What makes you any different? I hate to point it out but those ‘scumbags’ are there because they don’t work, do drugs, treat people like sh*t and think they can do what the hell they like. In the end their parents have gone “c ya”. Sound familiar? YOU have to change.
    Nothing will change whilst you lie in bed! Have you signed on?? You need to get a bus into town, (I’m sure (name) can lend you a couple of quid for bus) so at least you will get some money in. Then you can buy a pay as you go sim so you can make calls and start sorting this mess out.
    I have no idea how you will sort this by just lying in bed. In the end they will throw you out (name). This is not irreparable - yet, but you need to be proactive in doing something!! I love you but I am NOT sorting this FOR you now. I will help you when you have sorted stuff. We will take you to court too if you plan on going. Rather than doing nothing start getting help for your drug use. If you don’t plan to get help and want to continue with this up and down life then you need to be applying for jobs NOT loans! You have access to a phone at times so use it wisely to apply for jobs!! Things will not just come to you or magically sort.
    I love you (name) and am trying to maintain contact and some form of relationship but if you think I am going to sort all this out for you, you are very much mistaken. That is not love, that is enabling. Enabling you to continue living a sh*t life which I believe you are better than. I am in London today so cannot call but I can call tomorrow. I will not be arguing with you. YOU have to want to sort this. You are nearly 20!! 3 years!! C’mon get up and start moving! X”
  2. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    I think your reply was perfect. It’s funny how they label people doing exactly what they are doing with names like scumbag isn’t it? They want to live the life but not the label. If you don’t tell him the truth who will? Good job standing your ground.
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I thought it was honest and fair and true. He may have quit reading it because it is long and he was only interested in yes or no, but you said it like it is.

    Prepare for him to probably twist your words, claim you dont love him and guilt you out. That is what they do but it is nonsense.

    Good job!
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  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I think it was good. I can also tell you that what you say to your son when he is drugging is most likely not worth the energy you took to write it down.

    I say that because when I think of how much time and energy I have used (WASTED) trying to set my son straight I probably could have earned a Nobel Prize doing something worthwhile.

    It's maddening.

    Good luck.
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  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    A little over a week ago, when older DGD had me pick her up after boyfriend broke up with her. She started talking about a girl she used to like, and said "she's just couch surfing with any guy who lets her stay around. Yes, I bit my tongue and didn't point out the obvious. 4 days later she was back, living in same place, but now as room mates, not a couple. Still no working furnace. Ksm
  6. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you for this. I can write things ‘standing my ground, it’s following through that’s hard’ x
  7. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    This made me laugh! I know what you are saying is true. I have spent hours upon hours writing to him to no avail. Somehow it just makes me feel better by reminding him what he needs to be doing. X
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  8. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    You are so right on this!! It’s yes, no or good but! X
  9. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    So I get a text from girlfriends phone to call him, so I do. He hadn’t received my lonnng message as he has no access to any communication unless someone rings him.
    Bottom line is he can’t stay where he is. Can I please be a guarantor for £400 so he can put the deposit down for another room share. He says he still has his job to go to although I don’t know how true this is. I told him I wasn’t helping him anymore, he got upset saying how was he meant to sort stuff with nothing! I said ‘I don’t know’ and I got ‘f*ck you’! back and he hung up!!

    Feeling so sad and questioning myself now because I could help him...
  10. LIS - I think you’re doing the right thing. You have helped so many times before and he has let you down so many times. He has appreciated nothing you have done and just like my son he swears at you and it’s as if all the other times you have helped don’t matter.

    Is there anywhere where you live that gives advice to young homeless people? There is here and they can just drop in - they advise them on finding accommodation, benefits etc. They might know a route that your son hasn’t thought of that may help.
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I remember the one time my son sent me the F.U. finger emoji because I wouldn't give him ten dollars for something or other.

    That changed the way I saw him forever.

  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Fear Obligation and Guilt haunt us not them. When I go through this I have a few texts saved and read them to make me see what I am really dealing with. It keeps me away do n the FOG!

    Love says no. Leafy had an excellent post on here somewhere that helped identify why what we are doing is right.

    Tough stuff I know. We are all here to support you. You are doing great.
  13. Prayers4ronnie

    Prayers4ronnie New Member