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<blockquote data-quote="lovemysons" data-source="post: 7066" data-attributes="member: 3305"><p>Katmom...I have no idea what to do except what is suggested in the program of AA and Al-Anon (for the family members who live with an alcoholic/addict).</p><p></p><p>I have observed alot of common threads in the personalities of those of us and our children who are addicted. </p><p>Many have secrets in their pasts, things they can't reconcile as just part of being a human being/learning experiences. Substance abusers seem to be very hard on themselves and very hard on the world around them. Overly sensitive, things just seem to affect them in degrees that the average guy goes unaffected. </p><p>Being a perfectionist is Very common place for the wives and mothers who live with addicts/alcoholics. Guilt, shame, denial, fear and anger seem to dominate the lives of the family members. Many say, "We are complicated people who need easy instructions and simple messeges".</p><p>The 12 steps involve waking up to a reality that "Im not G-d and neither are you" in my humble opinion. Also, coming clean...sharing the ugly secrets with G-d and another human being. Realizing, that you are like hundreds of thousands of people before you, no big surprises about your human experience. Nothing that can't be loved and accepted. Nothing that can't be apologized for or learned from. </p><p></p><p>I am of the belief that most people will experiment with an altered reality state at some point in their lives. Drug addicts and alcoholics do not like the real or perceived truths they have gathered from their understanding of themselves in this life. They are not balanced people. </p><p>LOL, I am often amazed at how some "creep" can live with himself, when if it was me, I would "want to die", etc. It's that overboard kind of mentality. Extreme. Just like drugs...nothing in balance. </p><p>One is too many for an addict and 100 not enough. Any dependence on something else (with the exception of G-d) for inner security begins to take over. </p><p>Addicts hate themselves. They never feel "good enough". Nothing satisfies. They are constantly in a state of need. </p><p>Anyway...Its built in. People who don't wrestle with these kinds of "mental problems", "spiritual problems", have NO clue whatsoever as to what is the big freaking deal...they just expect others to get over it, make a better choice, blah, blah, blah. It's not as simple as others would like it to be. And it makes no sense to others because people on the outside can See how much most addicts/alcoholics have going for them. There is no compassion to be had. Not that compassion from others would "cure" anything anyway. But the outside world does not/cannot get it. </p><p></p><p>Having a sponser, a phone list, people to call and bouce off feelings, thoughts, dilemma's with, is very helpful. Addicts/alcoholics who have had some sober time, sober thinking are convincing to the newcomers. They've been there in their heads too, they understand and they can often help with coming to a more balanced reasonable conclusion. Alot of faulty thinking goes on in the mind of an addict/alcoholic. I would never say that your average alcoholic/addict is lazy or dumb or even insensitive. Many of them are extremely hard thinkers, highly sensitive, and put out a great deal of effort to contend with life. But the thing is, many in AA find out that THEY made it harder than it needed to be. It's just part of being an addict/alcoholic. Family members contribute but many are wonderful, hard working, very conscientious families. So many moms who have done their almighty best. There are ALOT of good souls in AA and Al anon. </p><p>Like the ones here too. </p><p></p><p>Our kids beat themselves up. We beat ourselves up...it's a vicious cycle. </p><p>I'm really happy I've gotten so much "live" support this past year from people who will lovingly, knowingly, look me in the eyes tell me the truth and remind me that I'll be okay and that I'm not so bad after all and neither are my sons.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. </p><p>You can be okay and so can your children. </p><p>lovemysons</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="lovemysons, post: 7066, member: 3305"] Katmom...I have no idea what to do except what is suggested in the program of AA and Al-Anon (for the family members who live with an alcoholic/addict). I have observed alot of common threads in the personalities of those of us and our children who are addicted. Many have secrets in their pasts, things they can't reconcile as just part of being a human being/learning experiences. Substance abusers seem to be very hard on themselves and very hard on the world around them. Overly sensitive, things just seem to affect them in degrees that the average guy goes unaffected. Being a perfectionist is Very common place for the wives and mothers who live with addicts/alcoholics. Guilt, shame, denial, fear and anger seem to dominate the lives of the family members. Many say, "We are complicated people who need easy instructions and simple messeges". The 12 steps involve waking up to a reality that "Im not G-d and neither are you" in my humble opinion. Also, coming clean...sharing the ugly secrets with G-d and another human being. Realizing, that you are like hundreds of thousands of people before you, no big surprises about your human experience. Nothing that can't be loved and accepted. Nothing that can't be apologized for or learned from. I am of the belief that most people will experiment with an altered reality state at some point in their lives. Drug addicts and alcoholics do not like the real or perceived truths they have gathered from their understanding of themselves in this life. They are not balanced people. LOL, I am often amazed at how some "creep" can live with himself, when if it was me, I would "want to die", etc. It's that overboard kind of mentality. Extreme. Just like drugs...nothing in balance. One is too many for an addict and 100 not enough. Any dependence on something else (with the exception of G-d) for inner security begins to take over. Addicts hate themselves. They never feel "good enough". Nothing satisfies. They are constantly in a state of need. Anyway...Its built in. People who don't wrestle with these kinds of "mental problems", "spiritual problems", have NO clue whatsoever as to what is the big freaking deal...they just expect others to get over it, make a better choice, blah, blah, blah. It's not as simple as others would like it to be. And it makes no sense to others because people on the outside can See how much most addicts/alcoholics have going for them. There is no compassion to be had. Not that compassion from others would "cure" anything anyway. But the outside world does not/cannot get it. Having a sponser, a phone list, people to call and bouce off feelings, thoughts, dilemma's with, is very helpful. Addicts/alcoholics who have had some sober time, sober thinking are convincing to the newcomers. They've been there in their heads too, they understand and they can often help with coming to a more balanced reasonable conclusion. Alot of faulty thinking goes on in the mind of an addict/alcoholic. I would never say that your average alcoholic/addict is lazy or dumb or even insensitive. Many of them are extremely hard thinkers, highly sensitive, and put out a great deal of effort to contend with life. But the thing is, many in AA find out that THEY made it harder than it needed to be. It's just part of being an addict/alcoholic. Family members contribute but many are wonderful, hard working, very conscientious families. So many moms who have done their almighty best. There are ALOT of good souls in AA and Al anon. Like the ones here too. Our kids beat themselves up. We beat ourselves up...it's a vicious cycle. I'm really happy I've gotten so much "live" support this past year from people who will lovingly, knowingly, look me in the eyes tell me the truth and remind me that I'll be okay and that I'm not so bad after all and neither are my sons. Hang in there. You can be okay and so can your children. lovemysons [/QUOTE]
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