Mom of 4 my oldest 13 is so defiant and rude

Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by Jennamtn, Apr 11, 2019.

  1. Jennamtn

    Jennamtn New Member

    This is a LONG post. Story of my struggle with my son who we adopted 10 years ago on national adoption day in AZ. I’m a mom of 4 my oldest J, my child I don’t understand and not sure where to go from here. Past history: I became foster parent at 23 husband 25 because J was in foster care and was my husband biological nephew. No one else on my husband side could take him because they have records or were on drugs. We just moved to AZ when we started the adoption process. The first year of my sons life he was given cows milk and soda not the vitamins a baby needs. His bio mom past him around to anyone who would take him. He was called the community baby. He called every women “mom”. His bio mom did not test positive when she gave birth to him but did not get prenatal care until after 6 months. Shorty after he was taken from her she overdosed and nearly died in a side walk. I fostered him at age 2. Adopted him at 3. He had to get extensive dental work done from bottle rot. Things seemed pretty well until we put him in daycare and he started biting but it got better. Then I wanted a childcare that would teach him a bit more so I moved him.. Well there he had got written him up twice in a week for not wanting to nap and screaming. So I moved him again because they were about to kick him out. Fast forward to elementary... He went to headstart seemed good. Then Kindergarten I was noticing he can’t sit still he never seemed tired always waking up by 5am even if I had him stay up late. It would take him like 30 minutes to get shoes on. Teacher was sending him to the office and the school would call me and tell me to pick him up because he refused to listen. I took him to a BHR to be evaluated said he has adhd but won’t medicate him until first grade. I was upset because he couldn’t sit still and listen so he lost that whole year. He ended up getting put on adhd medications that next year but the school did hold him back in kindergarten. Fast forward to 3rd grade. He never bring home school/field trip forms or anything. He struggles in school but tries. Teachers love him and I cried at his conference because it was the first one I ever have that was positive and his teacher even told me that she had no idea he was one of her ADHD students. Fast forward to now 6th grade almost 13! I always had issues with my son and it sucks because it’s hard to feel like a good mom to him because Im constantly having to disaplian him and take just about everything away. All are kids have chore sheets same chores every week and Friday is payday but only if your room is clean and if it’s not clean you forgo your pay and are grounded until room gets cleaned. My oldest J is the only one who never completes his task. We have to remind him over and over and he get mad because he know. He know everything and is never wrong... He spelled my daughters milk off counter and said she was stupid for having it there. I told him to say sorry and clean it up. I told him it was his fault and it was an accident so it’s okay but calling his sister a name is unacceptable! He cleaned it but don’t think it his fault. He lies and I think he really believes his lies. His papa got him a trumpet and I looked through his backpack and trumpet case and his trumpet it ruined! The keys were taken apart one completely missing and dents everywhere. When asked why he did this it’s ALWAYS I dunno... found mouthwash in his backpack asked why once again he said no reason (recently had got a g/f) I know why.. He started not asking for permission and just doing what he wants because he knows the answer would be no. Found a scary dvd ask why with his dad on speaker is when finally he admitted he let his friend barrow it but didn’t care to ask if that was ok? Not to mention it’s rated R. He will wake up at 4am to watch tv. I have to take remotes to my room so he can’t. I may have to lock the pantry up because he know he not supposed to have sugar in morning but he eats sugar and leaves a trail behind him. He won’t put clean clothes away and tells people I took all his clothes. I just caught up all the laundry and that’s where all his clothes were. I rewash so many clean cloths of his I get upset. How do I get him to admit when he at fault so he can fix it and move on. He only seems to care about himself this is not how he is raised. When he has a reward at the end of a chore he’ll do it no problem but if it’s because I need it done it a big deal. He screams at me a lot and I feel I’m at my wit end. He very over dermatic. The other day there was cake on counter that we put in the fridge after dinner. The next morning he wakes up see it in the fridge and says angerley”what we have cake why did no one tell me?! That’s like there being a fire and I’m asleep and no one wakes me so I burn.” I was like what?! Over cake! The most frustrating thing is at school he is a good kid, teachers like him he has B & C and doesn’t get into trouble. On vacation, public places and friends houses hes great. At home when asked to do anything it’s a mess. I at time would rather ask my other younger kids or do it myself before asking him because with him it’s an nightmare. We know hes ADHD but thinking he must have another disorder... teacher say his follow through is bad. And that is same with home every task only gets completed 60% of the way unless I’m right there with him. I always think my hard work is paying off then we have weeks where I’m just lost and confused on what to do. He is the most distructive kid I ever met. Some recent things he ruined and has no clue how they happened. He wrote his name on my wall then dig it out so I don’t see his name. Wrote his name on his dads Gatuair and took all strings off, broke his trumpet we thought he liked. Tore toes off a alligator statue he had for 5 year that a family friend gave to him. He ruins his school binders. Ruin his back we got 8 months ago. L He cuts wires and I find gadgets under his bed of things he take apart. He has a good side to him that come out but doesn’t ever last long enough. Been open about him being adopted since the beginning because I didn’t ever want him to feel like it was something to hide. He know his bio dad is a drug addict in and out of prison and he knows bio mom is a druggy to. He hates drugs and I’m thankful for that. He talks highly about me to family friends but with him I don’t know how he love me when I feel all I do is disaplain him. I tell him I hope when he looks back he can see how much I cared and loved him. I told him it my job to get you help if you need it as that is what I signed up for 10 years ago. My husband is a government contractor so he is gone a lot. Life is easier when he is home because J will only push him so far plus I have someone else to help manage him. Oh and at home it is not just me he yells at(it use to be only me but now it’s so bad) His nana and papa and aunt people I never thought he would act this way to. I feel he pushes everyone away and it’s heartbreaking. I don’t even want him around me at times because he wants to be rude and always right and argue over stupid stuff. Any advice is welcome. Sorry so long kidna a breakdown of the past 10 years. He will be 13 in July and I hope he just wakes up and realize what he has and the people he has who care about him and love him.
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Has he ever been evaluated for FASD? With his birth history, that's a possibility. My adopted granddaughter had an average IQ but very slow processing speed and working memory. Her birth mom drank heavily during the first 4/5 months. Very scattered. Also lost or misplaced items.

    Sometimes our kids hold it all together at school...only to come home and be out of control. I think they are overwhelmed...

  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, J

    Your son sounds a lot like my stepbrother, who I am sure has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), though he was never tested (his birthmom was an alcoholic).

    People here often suggest taking a child to a neuropsychologist (often found at a state university) for an in-depth, 10-12 hour over several days, evaluation.

    This sounds like the right course, in your case. You may get some answers and that could lead to proper interventions to help your son succeed in life.

    You may need to ask your pediatrician for a referral,depending on your insurance.

    Let us know how things go.

  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

  5. Jennamtn

    Jennamtn New Member

    I am in the mist of moving to Alabama. So my sons last appointment we asked for referral but she suggested because we will be moving to hold off and start the process in AL. We up his medicine because his medications seems to wear off way to early. We do think something seems off with his brain. In the past few months some close friends who I felt my son had them wrapped around his finger said he is worried that he is a narcissist. His responses and actions are just out there. If I don’t ask him to do anything everything is well and that why I think we we are out doing fun stuff he is great. Being good in plubic I felt was a huge step because from the age 4-8 he would throw himself to the ground because he didn’t want to leave. The psychologist said he has and attachment disorder and he was in counseling for I believe a year but the insurance made us take a break. I tried having him meet with the school counselor and he did but said it was uncomfortable. So he stopped. I do plan on seeking out a lot of help as soon as we are moved. Thanks for your response
  6. Jennamtn

    Jennamtn New Member

    No he has not been tested for FASD who does the testing. I do believe bio mom was using drugs and most likely even drinking. I believe she stopped in her later months of pregnancy. He often loses his work at school and has to redo it. He know the stuff but this happens all the time with him one of the biggest complaints by teachers. He has told me he feels overwhelmed but not sure why. He told me last night I feel like two different people. I told him I would love to be able to see the kid he is at school. His teachers say he is a joy with exception of some off days. After a hard he will cry. We used to have such bad morning until I started him getting up by himself. I just hated sending him to school in bad moods. Then is was like he over thought about it because the first thing he does when he get home is apologize for his behavior. My son has never hurt animals or my other kiddo beside a push from time to time. My son tends to break a lot of items from meaningless pencils to very nice gifts we thought he loved. Doesn’t make since to me on why he would ruin things he likes. Thanks for reaching out I am going to be getting him some more help.
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    National Organization on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

    Check out this site. Maybe they can tell you what places are available in the state you are moving to.

    There was only 1 diagnostic clinic in our state...

    Having birth records is good. Size, weight, head circumference.

  8. Jennamtn

    Jennamtn New Member

    Yes! I have all that. :) I love all this info I’m am receiving from everyone. Hugs
  9. Nandina

    Nandina Member

    Hi Jennamtn,

    Your post could have been written by me about my adopted son we’ve had since he was nearly 4 and was drug and alcohol exposed in mother’s first trimester of pregnancy. He is now 18.

    We’ve tried various medications and had more success with some over others. I am not one to just throw a pill at something and initially tried not to give medications but he was just too disruptive in school. I know from my son’s experience that some ADHD medications can cause irritability and sometimes a change in medications makes things more tolerable. Also, you mention that he says he feels overwhelmed. That is often a symptom of anxiety or depression. You didn’t mention if he was on any medications other than for ADHD, but so often these kids whose brains have been affected by drugs in utero have other issues that perhaps ADHD medications alone aren’t addressing. Talk to your doctor or child psychologist about that.

    I agree that a neuropsychological evaluation would help diagnose some of his issues and perhaps help you obtain more specialized school or other services. You will most likely get a report that describes his test results and other information about memory, thinking skills, reaction time, etc. that is helpful to provide to his caregivers. It’s good to have in your “arsenal,” so to speak.

    Does he have an IEP? Has his school done any testing? Depending on your school system you may be able to request psychological testing. Sometimes you have to fight to get the school to do anything, but don’t give up! I nearly lost my mind until I found a special school program in our county for kids with behavioral issues that would treat my son like a human being instead of an oddity.

    Good luck to you,

  10. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Also, Google DNA testing for medication. They can determine what medications will work best for your son by finding out what liver enzymes he has. If he has any variances, the Rx might not work correctly. My DGD had too many of one enzyme so she was an ultra metabolizer. Then she was missing another enzyme so she could not metabolize other medications. Ksm
  11. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Hmm. There are some similarities here with our adopted daughter...who we adopted as an infant. A bright child, but always in trouble starting in pre school. Impulsive, hyper etc. Would steal things from refrigerator .esp. sweets. Would dismantle furniture in her room. All sorts of crazy problems at school. Sometimes violent. People picked on her and she fought back strongly. Odd problems with her brother. Diagnosed with adhd very young...maybe five. She had a brain aneurysm that required surgery at age 9. She was suspected bipolar probably around age 6. She was diagnosed as bipolar around age 7.

    She seems to have some odd issues with her memory. Sometimes it seems very good and other times it seems very distorted.

    Her bedroom in her youth was always scary. More than messy.

    She can s really be sweet. But then again, she can turn into a “know it all,” and whiner the next minute and annoy everyone around her.

    Bipolar medication was helpful. As well as weekly therapy in her youth. She won’t go now, which is unfortunate.
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2019
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I am in Alabama on the coast! Moved here in July due to job transfer.