Moment of Truth

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by BloodiedButUnbowed, Aug 28, 2019.

  1. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    DS is on the verge of being kicked out of his group residence because he is openly flouting their rules. He's been bragging about his infractions to us. Finally, he's been caught, and the residence is planning to hold him accountable. It sounds to us as if they plan to deliver him a warning. He is acting as if he's already been tossed, which he hasn't.

    He is doing his best to manipulate W into taking him in, with us, under our roof. Begging, crying, promising the sun, moon and stars. All of us here have seen this act before.

    He's a great talker. He never follows through. The last time we caved to something similar was when he wanted to attend online high school - which he never completed. The cycle repeats again now.

    W has been relatively strong thus far, from what she has told me. She expressed some of our shared concerns about his history of violence and told him we wouldn't consider him living with us for any length of time without a contract. And, she knows I need to be on board with whatever decision is made.

    I am going to talk to W about us renting him a room or otherwise ensuring he has accommodations, in the event he loses his housing, but not having him live with us. It will not end well, at all. Plus, we have a neighbor downstairs who smokes marijuana constantly and its odor permeates our building when he smokes. A recipe for disaster as far as DS is concerned.

    I will need to stay strong. Prayers appreciated!
  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Well, I have an update and unfortunately it is not the one I hoped to write.

    W told DS he could live with us, without really discussing it with me first, despite what she and i had agreed.

    I now have to process this development and decide what I will do.
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you didn't get included in the decision making process...

    That sucks. Ksm
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Oh, no.

    Can you present the ‘renting him a room’ idea again to your wife, instead of him actually living in your house?

    That sounds like a disaster.
  5. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I will do that. My W is beside herself. DS is apparently quite histrionic at the moment, and she doesn't know how to cope.
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I've noticed that my older acts that way, until someone solves her problems, or let's her have her way. Then she's a happy camper. Sigh. They are good at manipulating.
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    He knows exactly what to do to manipulate his mom into giving him his way.

    He doesn’t even know if he is kicked out yet. I hope, for your sake, that he is given another chance.
  8. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I won't stay in the household if this doesn't resolve in a manner I can live with. What that looks like, I am still figuring out in my mind.

    I think it is inevitable that he will end up back in jail if he comes to live with us. I haven't yet told W that if there is even one screaming, yelling, intimidating incident from him, that I am immediately calling his PO who may well revoke his bail.
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  9. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Update. W and I are communicating. W has her list of conditions to present to DS and I made up a list of my own as well, EVEN THOUGH we on this board know that contracts are like restraining orders - ultimately useless.

    Apparently he was told he could live with us if he met our conditions and signed a contract. I did tell W how angry I was that she did this without my input. But she is blinded by love for her child and the protective instinct that goes with it. She wants him with us - with her. She wants to be his mom in a way she has never been. I understand that, but unfortunately her child is a criminal and a drug addict, and while she at least admits to the latter, she does not understand that addicts lie and manipulate. She takes his tales of woe and abuse at the hands of his group home at face value and wants to protect him from them. (sigh)

    I was at least pleased to see we are on the same page as far as expectations are concerned - our lists shared some common elements. Once again I have not told her that I'll immediately contact his PO if he becomes out of control. I don't know if I even need to do so. I'll just do it if it becomes necessary. Though I do feel I should tell her this so she is aware of what may happen if he behaves aggressively. And it will be valuable information for me as well; if she has a problem with this, then i have bigger issues than just a troubled and criminally inclined stepson.

    W thinks a contract will keep him in line. His still adjudicating court case will likely be the bigger stick but as long as there is a stick that's all that really matters.

    I expect he will sign whatever we put in front of him and do as he pleases anyway, as he has done at this group residence. I know what my response will be. The question is what will happen to my marriage as a result.

    I need to do some research into how to NOT get into a situation where he is legally considered a tenant and therefore would have tenant's rights.

    With all this said I am still unsure how this will all shake out - if he comes here, if I stay here. I will continue to keep the thread updated.
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I am glad that it seems like you two are on the same page. This is really hard stuff and I am sure your wife feels tormented by either choice as many of us here have at one time or another!

    Prayers that things work out better than you are anticipating either way!
  11. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I must admit that I have been allowing my own fear/negative thinking to cloud my own judgment when it comes to DS, although he is still giving me reason to be quite wary. He apparently lost his temper with the residence employees today. I don't know details. W had that conversation with him.

    W is also more realistic about DS and his situation than I have given her credit for - so there's that.

    I do trust that if DS does come to live with us and he acts out, I will act decisively in my own (and W's) best interest. Being a stepparent makes it easier to be objective.
  12. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Final update to this thread.

    DS was evicted from his group residence. We don't know details yet.

    W and I, after much heated and emotional discussion last night, agreed on a contract to present to DS which stipulates that any raging, aggression, or drug use will result in immediate eviction. We are also insisting that he see a psychiatrist and take prescribed medications as a condition of his living with us. I was pleased that we both agreed on the items I considered deal breakers, which are all of the above. And we are insisting he work and go to school.

    If DS does not accept these conditions, he will be allowed to stay for a few days until he decides for himself what comes next.

    W and I are both in firm agreement that this is the only time we will offer this kind of assistance. If he is not successful with us and we put him out, there will be no more bail, rehab, or living with us/in a residence provided by us.

    I will surely begin a new thread shortly with our adventures.
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  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Good luck, God bless, stay strong!
  14. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    For the sake of safety, I hope your wife will be strong enough to let him go if he doesn't follow through. I also hope he will see the importance of school before too much time goes by. Please have some kind of safety plan in place.
  15. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, BBU. Please stay safe. Let us know how it goes. Many hugs.
  16. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Our first night together went extremely well. DS signed the contract without much argument and agreed our terms were necessary. We had a pleasant evening last night. He got himself up and off to work on time this morning and we're going to spend some time on his schoolwork later.

    Obviously given his recent actions he is still volatile and dangerous, but he does seem to have learned something from his troubles over the last few months, and he's grateful to be in a home setting. Time will tell if his attitude of appreciation sours into entitlement. If that occurs, W and I will act.

    He knows that if he violates the contract he's gone, and W and I are both very firm on this point. Hopefully he will continue to do well enough - we expect rough moments here and there - but any deal breakers will not be tolerated.

    This is obviously an ongoing situation but so far, so good.
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  17. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    Fingers crossed things continue on this path! Stay strong, you’ve got this!
  18. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Well, we have been living with DS for four days. It feels like MUCH longer. Things are going pretty well, but there are warning signs that I am heeding.

    Today he showed the first signs of old, bad habits. He wanted to call off work with a lame excuse. We didn't allow it. He made excuses as to why he couldn't go to work. We didn't listen. In the end we took him to work. Normally he transports himself, but one of his excuses for wanting to stay home today was the fact that his typical transportation isn't available at the moment. He was grumpy, but complied. The problem with DS is that grumpiness can turn into defiance, which can turn into aggression. But if that happens he will not be staying with us any longer. So we'll have to see.

    I am more concerned that W is so enthralled with having him here that she will make excuses for him and enable him rather than put him out if that eventually becomes necessary. I still have my bottom lines and will enforce them regardless of what W wants to do. But already she is resistant to me reminding her that he is less than one week away from being tossed out of his group residence for insubordination and defiance. She insists he's doing wonderfully and while the last few days have been good, she doesn't see the larger pattern - that what comes up will eventually come crashing down to earth where DS is concerned. She wants to believe he will never have another episode.

    He is still not medicated which is one of the conditions of him being here. W is making a psychiatrist appointment and I am asking about this every day.

    W has magical thinking. But I have to let that be her issue. So far nothing has occurred that concerns me or is a violation of our contract with him - not even close - so for now things are good.

    I'll continue to update.