More advice needed/family oddities

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Nomad, Dec 16, 2018.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    in the continuing saga of the MI child within the family who was hyper and impulsive and stepped into my guitar...a family heirloom of about 100 years...and caused damage.

    The child has not apologized. The family has not apologized. The mother who I normally communicate with now and then has stopped communicating with me. She has also stopped “liking” any of my items on FB...which may or may not mean anything...but is noticeable. No one in the extended family has said a word about it.

    As a side note...the mom is rumored to have depression now. But interestingly, she has changed her make up and has had all sorts of new and nice pictures taken of herself of late on FB. It’s a little weird. I suppose it might help with her depression...so I suppose this is good. ????

    Also as a side note...I have totally “let go” or maybe the word is forgiven the child about this damage he caused.

    This family is having a Xmas party soon. I got an informal meme type invitation via text a day before she was told and allegedly went into a depression and the weird silence started. (Along with the FB image remake)

    You are going to think I’m making this up...but I’m NOT. I recently got back my autoimmune blood work and it was hideous. My medication was increased significantly.

    I can NOT cope with excessive stress.

    So, no way do I wish to go to this party. I need my rest.

    A variety of issues/questions/concerns:

    1. Why would an adult woman over thirty not only not apologize, but noticeably ignore me? Yes, the obvious answer is she is embarrassed. Hmmm. But given we are in the same family, we are bound to see one another again. How long does she logically think she can ignore me?

    2. Should I break the ice and tell her I won’t be coming to her party ? How ironic, as now the shoe is sort of on the other foot. I look fine. But, I am in big time “pacing myself” mode due to my autoimmune stuff being on the warpath. It is awkward as I know most folks dont understand. AND our Difficult Child comes into town the following day and even more reason to get my rest.

    I’m inclined to break the ice and text her and tell her I can’t come to the party. But should I tell her why? Not tell her why? Have my daughter in law tell her I’m not coming instead?

    3. Maybe silence is the best solution for extreme awkwardness??!?!?! Is this possible? I usually think not. Now I’m wondering a little bit.

    Families be weird. Lol.

    PS Due to the personal nature of this post, there is a small chance I may have all or parts of it removed down the road.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nomad, I probably wouldnt overthink any of it. Who cares if she is or isnt depressed? I suffered badly from depression and there is no one way people handle it. Personally I would never dress up in different outfits, depressed or not, and plaster my mugshot on social media...lol.

    As for the possibly subtle snubs, I mostly think she is either embarassed or ticked off for some crazy reason. You dont need the drama either way. It could also mean absolutely nothing.

    I thought she was family of your daughter in law, not you directly. If so, in time someone else will get a bigger house and you wont have to see them for the holidays for any reason. Think of it as temporary. Its probably not forever.
    .
    i would send a nice text or call (your comfort level dictating) and say with confidence that you appreciate the invitation but are fighting some medical issue and your doctor told you to rest. A white lie hurts nobody. If she asks whats wrong you can tell her the truth or just say the doctor is running some tests. But you are very tired.

    Dont make this family more of a part of your life than necessary. Please! They arent worth it. Very inconsiderate, it seems.

    You'd think if she could have this party in her house, she could have her family Christmas at her house too and let you off the hook.

    Nomad, if my kid had broken your guitar I would have been horrified, apologized over and over again and offered to pay for the best copy you could find. And if you said no I would have somehow given the money to you. Its so rude not to even do the minimal and apologize.

    Dont let them bother you. Have a peaceful night :). Some people are not worth angst.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2018
  3. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Awesome answer.
    It is my daughter in law’s family. She is very close to my daughter in law. Can’t go into too much detail.
    It looks kinda like avoidance to me mixed with other things.
    I find myself having to let go of many many things. Not just the damage.
    It’s all strange and foreign to me....something I have to learn to live with.
    With my health issues in particular...letting go, forgiveness, curtailing the over thinking ....is important.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nomad, you are way to important to many people, including us, to get too worked up over inconsiderate relatives of your daughter in law. Stress does so much harm. As a highly stressed person, i know and have to work on it too. Lets both try to calm down at the same time, ok? I have been stressed too just getting ready for the holiday. We both need to chill!

    Stay well. It will be okay. Soon this busy time of year will be over :)
     
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Ok. :)
    I know I tend to default to thinking these seemingly rude or illogical behaviors mean these people don’t like me.
    I think this is possible, but actually UNLIKELY! How about that?
    So, my brain sort of goes haywire.
    Kind of like the first many many many many years dealing with my d. c.
    Nothing makes an ounce of sense.

    Yes. We know from our special needs children to not try to explain it. We know we didn’t cause it. We can’t control it. We can’t change it.

    I agree. My health comes first. Physical and mental.

    This stuff is just bonkers. I certainly don’t dont don’t need more bonkers in my life.

    Thank you swot.

    Happy Holidays to us all!:group-hug::christmasgift::xmasdancers:
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    They ARE very odd. ;)
     
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I would just text a quick "thanks for the invitation, but I'm dealing with a change in medications, and I am sure I will feel up to leaving the house. Enjoy the party, and thanks for the invite. Ksm
     
  8. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    1st. DELETE facebook. root of all evil. people put way to much thought into likes/loves/ wows.. seriously we are adults! who cares. The way fb is now unless you actively follow someone by putting their name in the search even the feed of people you are friends with doesn't show up.
    My adult kids don't even have fb anymore. It is just a place for people to lead fake lives and show off. It isn't rel life.
    I have an account but only because a group we vacation with communicates through the messenger. I look every few days just in case one of them updated something. I made myself unsearchable becasue people would send me friend requests. I don't care what they are doing and they don't need to be nosy about what I am doing or not doing.

    I wouldn't leave to to daughter in law to tell her you aren't coming to party. I would send her a text or call myself, "Hi Mary. thank you for inviting us. I am sorry to say we can't come. I haven't been feeling well and need to limit my exposure to all the bugs going around at the moment. I do appreciate you thinking of us."
     
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Agree...FB suxks. It is a narcissists dream come true, playground and lifeblood. I’m amazed and sickened at the same time. Many of these people are fully, deeply entrenched. I will cut back a lot. I go through periods of doing just that. I’m not nearly as active as these folks. And like I said, go through periods of pulling back even more.

    Hubby says an informal meme like text is sort of like a flyer stuck in your mailbox.
    Technically, one doesn’t have to rsvp.
    Hmmm
    I’m a grandma. I don’t know about this “stuff.” (That’s my way of saying I’m no spring chicken and have no idea)
    Does this sound accurate?
    My inclination is to send a short text saying I can’t go and thanking her for the invite. Still not sure if I should say anything else.
    I have some time.
    Ironically and interestingly, our son has already backed out.

    Hubby says these people are deeply troubled. We shouldn’t take them seriously at all. However, we can show them the tiniest bit of empathy since we know how difficult it is to have a Difficult Child. I cringe when I think of how they are going to cope when they seem soooo ill eqipped.
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2018
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Nomad

    Sorry to hear of your diagnosis and this time of year is a stressor for most of us here with our difficult children or used to be difficult children or not yet labeled difficult children!

    I would just text and say thanks for the invite but you cannot make it. I wouldn't even say why as I don't see you owe her anything more than that. She is more of an acquaintance. Her behavior probably has everything to do with her and not with you at all. I always over-worry about all that stuff too. I'm working on that.

    Lots of people cal it FakeBook which I think is pretty funny. People want everyone to think their life is wonderful and that is the image they try to portray. I use it for what I want to use it for and let it serve my purpose.

    I hope you feel better!
     
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Kind of depends on the wording of the meme/flyer. I got an email invite to my brother's retirement after-party this Friday. It says on it, "rsvp by texting sister in law".

    Technically, one never has to rsvp. But it's polite. I'd send a quick text, or an email reply. However you got the invite. I like this language:

     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I truly truly appreciate all this good input!!! It does my heart good. I find it all “over the top,” bizarre and I fasccillate between feeling bothered and trying to avoid it completely myself. I don’t oarticularly want to talk about it with many folks. It’s just annoying as heck. And with my health issues, the holidays and an INCOMING g. f. g. of my own...good grief. But I feel better to get it off my chest, get a bit of validation and some ideas. Thank you!!!!Thank you again for all of that and allowing me to get this xxxxx off my chest. VERY grateful and appreciated. :) :) :) I feel better. Sooo helpful ! Blessings.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 4
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2018
  13. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I sent her a text thanking her for the invite. I said I would have to pass. I did not offer an explanation. Although it’s a Xmas party, part of it will be a pseudo birthday party for her brother. So, in the text I said happy birthday to “Walter.” And then I said see you on the 24th.
    (As I said earlier, due to certain dynamics it will be hard for our ships not to pass).

    She replied “Thank you!”

    Still no (cough cough) apology and less communication (by far) than usual. Oh well.

    It went fine. :)

    Again, I truly needed this communication/outlet yesterday. It helped me to relax and cheered me up.

    Thank you. :)
     
  14. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Nomad, I am glad you addressed the party and got it over with.