More bad new.s.. does it ever end?

Helpless29

Active Member
I tried enjoying this holiday ,spent time with the kids in the pool , cooked out , my mind was constantly thinking of my son but I tried my best to keep my spirits up, then I got a call from the juvenile detention, apparently one of the women correctional staff members said something he did not like & my son punched her & spit on her , I’m sure another felony , I know the longer he stays there , the worst he will get. I wish I could find somewhere for him to go to get help but with Coronovirus & him getting more charges , pretty soon he won’t have that option, my mind is constantly consumed with thoughts of him. I wish I could make this all go away .I just needed to vent , I’m so sad for him & I can’t stop thinking of him, every moment, every hour.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
I'm sorry.

Do you ever fear that he might lash out at you or your younger children? I know it breaks your heart. But I would be worried about your safety. I hope he gets the help he needs and that he will be willing to accept it. Ksm
 

Helpless29

Active Member
I'm sorry.

Do you ever fear that he might lash out at you or your younger children? I know it breaks your heart. But I would be worried about your safety. I hope he gets the help he needs and that he will be willing to accept it. Ksm[/QUOTE
I don’t feel like he would ever hurt us , I don’t know maybe I’m to naive, I know my husband ( his step dad ) does not trust him at all & this is the reason he can’t come back with us. I feel like he’s lashing out because he is hurt about me not letting him come with us, he told me on the phone the other day how could his brothers & sister live at home & he can’t & how much it hurts him. And he thinks he’s I’m choosing my husband over him but I explained that I know he would not follow are rules & his actions put him there , I didn’t do anything, then he continued to tell me , if he kills himself , I will regret it for the rest of my life.
 

AnotherMom58

New Member
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm sorry he keeps doing things that will get him in deeper trouble. The positive here, maybe, is that him showing these behaviors to the people at juvenile detention could help diagnose and get him the help he needs.
Hang in there and take care.
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Helpless,
I am sorry that he chose to punch and spit on a woman. I am concerned for the safety of you and your family. Excuse me for saying so, but if he is going to engage in harmful behavior, he is where he needs to be. I agree with AM58-this may be an opportunity for him to get some mental health evaluation and treatment. If he has mental heath or addiction issues, jail can offer opportunities to get sober-if he chooses.

I can empathize with your holiday being consumed with thoughts of him. I call it "rushing around in my mind". The rushing involves us wanting to rescue, to help, to change, to control. It is like a lazy-susan (I am dating myself) inside the brain, a constant spinning plate of common sense solutions for people who are not ready for them. I hate that he will be facing a felony, that is disappointing.

I am glad you posted, it allows you to get it off your chest and start the healing process. Sometimes when our Difficult Child's are in jail, we can actually sleep better. He has a roof over his head, food to eat and a sober mind to plan and reflect. My prayer for you is to be kind to yourself, this has been a shock, no doubt.

Do you enjoy music? It can help you focus on something else. Perhaps float in the pool with a glass of iced tea and headphones. Maybe a walk could help, a long movie with a comfy blanket or a shower with a new scent of shampoo. Something for YOU. Let's focus on you, just for today. I will take your worry and concern for your son and give you a break. It will be there when you get back.

Love, prayers and hugs to you and your son.
JMOM
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
Helpless29,

I hate that he is threatening self harm. I think his previous actions has shown that he can't be home until his behavior changes. All of us with difficult children know that we can't will them (or love them enough) to do better. People change when they want something different. Or they get tired of the consequences of their behavior.

Maybe try communicating by letter so he can't lash out at you. Plus, if there are threats in the letter, you can share them with the professionals. Ksn
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Helpless

Don't let him do that to you - try to threaten you that he will take his life so you will do what he wants. I do not know of one Difficult Child on this board that took his own life and I have been here for many years.

He is not misbehaving because YOU won't let him come home. Again, he is trying to manipulate you.

This isn't YOUR fault. Not one bit. He is doing these things because he is out of control right now. Your bringing him home is not going to make him be IN control either. It is probably the worst thing that you can do for your family and your son to be honest.

I agree with JMom's lazy susan description. For me it was like a movie playing over and over in my head. In fact, I was telling my husband yesterday that I feel the difficulty with my son and my worry is surely what made my hair go GRAY. I have it colored but I earned every one of those gray hairs!
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
It's very concerning that he punched a woman. That means there is the potential to hit a girlfriend he might have if released. He has to learn what is appropriate behavior and pay the consequences.
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Suicide threats that are used to manipulate others into doing want they want is emotional blackmail. My daughter used to do it all of the time. Don't let it work.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Plus, if there are threats in the letter, you can share them with the professionals. Ksn
While I have deep empathy for him, there is a reality that he is creating. He keeps upping the ante. It shows that he's in the frame of mind that violence and outbursts are the way to handle his feelings. Still.

He has to face the consequences of his acts, and that's the part you need to accept. That these are his acts. You are not responsible for his acts.

I feel that there is a deep guilt and regret that you have. That you may feel that there is something that you did or did not in the past that underlies your sense of responsibility and his sense of grievance toward you. You keep asserting your feeling you have let him down. Is it that at some point in the past, you did not let him live with you, and you believe you should have?

I understand how hard this is for you to keep seeing him dig a deeper hole.

I agree that authorities need to be advised about his indirect suicide threat. Even if he will not follow through, the threats can't stand. He needs to be disabused of the idea that they work. There need to be consequences. That's what I think.

I think what's troubling you is the sense of guilt you feel. On some level it seems that you believe him that you're responsible for his situation. Or deep down you believe you're responsible.

Do you really want him home? If it was not for your husband, would you bring home your son? Or are you hiding behind your husband? I believe you need to have a heart to heart talk with yourself, and level with yourself as to where you stand.

Do you want him home? Do you believe you and the little ones are safe? Is he demonstrating contrition and taking responsibility for his mistakes? Do you believe he knows right from wrong, has the ability to curb his behavior, to use communication and coping skills, and to own his piece? Do you believe he's motivated to change at this point? If this is the case, then, you can choose to advocate for his return, if that is what you want.

You are not helping yourself or him, by trying to skate down the middle, and putting the responsibility on your husband, and him alone. Oh, I understand why we do this, but I think your son would be helped by you telling him your truth:

If he pushes you again, you can ask him if he wants to know the reasons you hold your position (I would ask his consent. Otherwise it would be piling on.) I do not feel safe with you, and I fear the little children would not be safe. If you would like for me to explain why, I will tell you. (Again, here too, I would ask his consent.)You use violence to solve your problems. You have not accepted rules or control. You choose to do wrong and illegal things. Some version of this. This seems to be the reality. I think your son deserves to hear it from you, if he chooses.

But as much, I think you'd feel better. Even coming to the understanding of what you believe, what you want, would free you, I believe. I think you would feel great relief if you acknowledged to yourself and to him the truth of your feelings.

Now the thing is, you may feel that you have indeed let him down. And maybe those feelings are justified, if you look at it one way. But real life is complicated. Almost always we have multiple loyalties, and we have loyalties to ourselves. I know I have felt horrible when I have chosen for myself. But when I have done so, it has been the right thing. The time comes when all we can do is to accept.
 
Last edited:

Helpless29

Active Member
While I have deep empathy for him, there is a reality that he is creating. He keeps upping the ante. It shows that he's in the frame of mind that violence and outbursts are the way to handle his feelings. Still.

He has to face the consequences of his acts, and that's the part you need to accept. That these are his acts. You are not responsible for his acts.

I feel that there is a deep guilt and regret that you have. That you may feel that there is something that you did or did not in the past that underlies your sense of responsibility and his sense of grievance toward you. You keep asserting your feeling you have let him down. Is it that at some point in the past, you did not let him live with you, and you believe you should have?

I understand how hard this is for you to keep seeing him dig a deeper hole.

I agree that authorities need to be advised about his indirect suicide threat. Even if he will not follow through, the threats can't stand. He needs to be disabused of the idea that they work. There need to be consequences. That's what I think.

I think what's troubling you is the sense of guilt you feel. On some level it seems that you believe him that you're responsible for his situation. Or deep down you believe you're responsible.

Do you really want him home? If it was not for your husband, would you bring home your son? Or are you hiding behind your husband? I believe you need to have a heart to heart talk with yourself, and level with yourself as to where you stand.

Do you want him home? Do you believe you and the little ones are safe? Is he demonstrating contrition and taking responsibility for his mistakes? Do you believe he knows right from wrong, has the ability to curb his behavior, to use communication and coping skills, and to own his piece? Do you believe he's motivated to change at this point? If this is the case, then, you can choose to advocate for his return, if that is what you want.

You are not helping yourself or him, by trying to skate down the middle, and putting the responsibility on your husband, and him alone. Oh, I understand why we do this, but I think your son would be helped by you telling him your truth:

If he pushes you again, you can ask him if he wants to know the reasons you hold your position (I would ask his consent. Otherwise it would be piling on.) I do not feel safe with you, and I fear the little children would not be safe. If you would like for me to explain why, I will tell you. (Again, here too, I would ask his consent.)You use violence to solve your problems. You have not accepted rules or control. You choose to do wrong and illegal things. Some version of this. This seems to be the reality. I think your son deserves to hear it from you, if he chooses.

But as much, I think you'd feel better. Even coming to the understanding of what you believe, what you want, would free you, I believe. I think you would feel great relief if you acknowledged to yourself and to him the truth of your feelings.

Now the thing is, you may feel that you have indeed let him down. And maybe those feelings are justified, if you look at it one way. But real life is complicated. Almost always we have multiple loyalties, and we have loyalties to ourselves. I know I have felt horrible when I have chosen for myself. But when I have done so, it has been the right thing. The time comes when all we can do is to accept.
I did report his threat of sucide to mental health, he admitted he just said it to get me to pick him up .You brought up so many good points that make me face my truth , I would bring him home if it wasn’t for my husband, but do I believe in my heart , he would listen to all the rules no, do I believe there would be chaos with him here yes, do I believe he would hurt me or his little brothers no. I do believe he would try his best to do good but there is a lot of uncertainty. I do feel like I failed him yes. My emotions are all over , lots of resentment towards my husband for not wanting to give him another chance, lots of guilt for not sticking up for him enough, lots of guilt that his 2 little brothers & sister live here but he can’t. I hate I’m a coward to not tell him the truth , but at this point he said he no longer wants to talk to me , he said if he calls it will only be to do a 3 way call to his girlfriend , but for me not to try talking to him . The guilt, hurt & everything with this situation consumes me, sometimes I feel like I’m throwing myself a pity party ,and I need to be strong but right now I can’t.
 
Last edited:

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I so agree with all that Copa said.

I would not do three way calls with your son and his girlfriend. No way. If that is something you feel you must do then you will do it. But you really need to stop the manipulation from him once and for all. You need to get angry with him that he is putting you through this!!

When my son was acting out I was where you were but then I got angry. I knew that this was no way in any response to anything I had done or his father had done. I would NOT accept any responsibility for his behavior. THIS WILL SET YOU FREE.

This was a turning point for me. This is just my two cents.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Helpless, How are you doing today?
Jmom
I been thinking so much about everything & it really consumes me. Trying to really figure out what’s best for me & my family. My son has been calling a lot lately ,he gets 3 calls Monday thru Thursday now because they don’t get visits but honestly sometimes I don’t feel like answering, the calls are so draining & it sets my mood fur the day but when I don’t answer I feel horrible , it’s just a lot for me. I hope whatever decisions I make regarding my son & my family it’s the right one. Thank you for asking
 

Helpless29

Active Member
I been thinking so much about everything & it really consumes me. Trying to really figure out what’s best for me & my family. My son has been calling a lot lately ,he gets 3 calls Monday thru Thursday now because they don’t get visits but honestly sometimes I don’t feel like answering, the calls are so draining & it sets my mood fur the day but when I don’t answer I feel horrible , it’s just a lot for me. I hope whatever decisions I make regarding my son & my family it’s the right one. Thank you for asking
I meant he gets 3 calls a day , Monday thru Thursday and it’s a lot , and very draining
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
HI helpless,
The only two things that come to mind are to live in the present and don't answer the phone. He is in a place with food, shelter and clothing. If you are basing your moods on what is happening in his life, I have a great book for you! It is called codependent no more by mealody beattie. It's a short book and I skipped a lot of it and got through it in one day. Also, I watch two videos almost daily. He's a little quirky, but I dig it. I just tried meditating for the 1st time this year. The second video is supposed to be a awake meditation but it makes me turn off my brain and I fall asleep, so it is in my night time routine. It was the first time I was able to stop my worrying thoughts.

Let's try some things to turn off your thoughts so you can start living again!

Book:

Video (Watch this first)

Video for meditation:

Let me know if any of this works for you!
JMOM
 
Top