more family bull?

pigless in VA

Well-Known Member
It is now June. My step-mother the Cactus Queen admitted that she never got my poor father suffering from Alzheimer's the driving evaluation. She did not take him for a second visit at the neurologist's office. My dad did have some memory testing but CQ has not divulged the results of the testing. She claims that my dad's primary care doctor "says he is perfectly fine to drive." None of the adult "children" have been to any doctor's appointments with them.

I think I have only spoken to them twice since the throwdown where I found out that she went back on our deal of having my father evaluated for his driving skills. I see no point in having a conversation with someone as unreasonable as she is. I have no desire to visit them. I might be willing to meet at a neutral place, but that would mean my dad was out on the road driving.

Yes, I considered reporting my dad's bad driving incident to DMV. I decided not to, because quite frankly, I am afraid of what CQ's repercussions would be. She would never take my dad to DMV anyway, and I can see her just allowing him to drive even without a license. I seriously doubt he could pass any test. At any rate, according to the family grapevine, CQ is looking very tired and worn out. No one is helping them. No one is visiting them. My dad would like to see his grandchildren.

Apparently, CQ and Mark also had a rift over a trailer (i.e. a money disagreement) and now Mark is not involved with them anymore either.

Letty attempted to explain to her that people were upset about Dad not having a driving evaluation. Letty specifically asked me to call CQ and explain to her that her actions have had the consequence of alienating them from the adult children and grandchildren.

I am sad that I don't see my dad, but I know that whatever I do will be misrepresented to everyone else by CQ. So, I think the best course for me is to stay as far away from this mess as possible. CQ is like a coiled rattlesnake just waiting to strike. I'm sorry my dad chose to be in a nest with the snake, but that was a choice he made long ago. Certainly, my dad is in no position to understand any of the dynamics. I don't even call, because I know he is still driving. Someone is going to be hurt before long.


Well-Known Member
I am sorry. Your hands are tied.

I wonder, with a big shudder, if my dad atill drives. I hope not. He is not the same as he once was. But he passed his drivers test at 93 and sick. He is of sound mind so nobody can stop him from driving.

I will continue to visit my dad when I am in town and not ever ask about driving. I dont want to know from my very kind brother and have tried hard but could see that my sister and me should stay apart. I gave it my all, but am no longer used to being constantly criticized and put down, especially for little, unimportant things about me that bug her. So asking her is not a door I want to open. I am happier not knowing the driving mystery anyway. Sometimes not knowing what you cant control is best in my opinion.

I wish you luck and not too much pain with your decision. I get how scary it is to think of somebody driving who should not be on the road.
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A hard and impossible situation. I do hope you can have some kind of emergency situation set in place...if CQ falls and can't get help, your Dad may not be able to either.

We saw it happen with my in laws....he will not be able to drive indefinately. Nature takes its course.



Crazy Cat Lady
My mother is 82. In IL, she has to be tested, including road testing, every year. So far she has passed.

Her issue is not cognitive, though she is starting to get a little forgetful regarding things in the "middle past". Her issue is her vision.

She only drives locally and only during the day. Her car is 15 years old and she says when the car dies, she fails a vision test at DMV, or any of her docs say "no more driving" that's it for her. She is figuring on giving up driving in the next couple-three years anyway.

She does not intend on anyone having to "take the keys away" from her.


Well-Known Member
We got off easy. Before my grandma got Alzheimer's, she was in two minor automobile accidents. After the second one, she realized she was simply too old to drive and never drove again. However, when it came to getting her drivers license renewed, she was firm about that and would not relent. She knew her driving days were over, but still wanted her license. I guess she needed to hold on to what she could.

pigless in VA

Well-Known Member
mof, if something happens to the Cactus Queen, my dad will be unable to dial the phone. He might not be able to even find a phone. He told my brother when he talking on the phone to him that he lost the phone outside in the snow. I do not think he can read and write anymore. CQ is most concerned about social status, therefore moving Dad to a safer environment is not part of her plan. They live in a giant house with multiple long flights of steps. They should have downsized years ago. It's only a matter of time before someone is hurt. I hope it's inside the house and not out on the road.


New Member
What your going through is so hard. In my opinion, Alzheimer's disease is one of the worst diseases anyone could have. Growing up, my grandmother suffered from early onset, and she lived 14 years with the disease (for the first 4-5 she had some quality of life, but after that there was none). My mother in-law is currently suffering from the disease, and it takes it toll on everyone. I think its slight differently from other diseases, as sometimes the person seems fine, well at least for a little while. Sending a big hug and prayers for both you and you dad throughout this hard journey.


New Member
I think you should still see your dad & take the grandchildren, you might have to stand up to QC, he is still your dad, you might have to intervene & get your dad out by him self on false pretences a day out together, quality time. & take him to your own doctor. I certainly would not let anyone stop me from seeing my parents I am a fighter, & would fight for them. no matter what. even being short of a punch in the mouth. QC is a controlling bully. When they are confronted they will back down. there seems to be one in every family. my sister-in-law is a Queen Cactus never heard that before, ours is B face.
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Long road but the path ahead holds hope.

I lived a similar situation with my parents. My father could not thrive in his own home without my mother as he was not able bodied enough. My mother had Alzheimer's and it became abusive and my father was using her like a servant and not protecting or caring for her.

We were eventually able to secure my mother in a home and it was a brave and courageous fight that my 2 sisters lead. All the time having my crazy ass brother critisizing their every move and another sister taking advantage of my father. It was the best a mess could get. My mother was protected. We had a court order against my sister and before we could proceed with removing her access to my father he died.

Do what you feel you can and need to do to protect your father. Knowing we tried for my father and succeeded with my mother is the only solace I now have.

pigless in VA

Well-Known Member
I haven't updated this in a long time. CQ has had a falling out with my brother, Mark. They are no longer speaking. My dad had the presence of mind to tell an attorney that he wanted his daughter, me, and his other daughter, Sally, to care for him if anything happens to CQ. Sally and I get along relatively well. She is in the same city as Dad, so I would need to defer to her judgement most likely.

I have been taking Candy over to see my dad, and they enjoy listening to classical music together. It will be harder to visit after my house in that city has sold.


Well-Known Member
pigless. hi.

i am glad for you there is some contact. it will make it easier for you when your dad passes away.

i used to have next door neighbors, an elderly couple. we are talking here , maybe 34 years ago. the man, late eighties, fred, was very nice. i liked him very much. the wife (late marriage he was widowed, was a shrew.)

i had a friend/boyfriend who was jamaican i loved him very much. when the woman became aware of our relatiionship she to my face and with scorn referred to him as the n word.

i would never again enter their home. even when fred became very ill and asked for me, i would not.

all these years later i feel very bad when i think of this. (i thought about it today.) even though i am pretty sure i would make the same decision still in similar circumstances. this seems to be my makeup. i do not necessarily think this is a good quality.


Roll With It
It is good that your dad specified that he wanted you and your sister to care for him if CQ could not. At least he had the foresight to do that.

I wonder what social services would say if an inspection was done? CQ seems to alienate people rather fast and it is hard work to care for someone with any type of dementia or alzheimers. If she does not have regular household help, there may be some things that are not getting done. She may need help even if she doesn't want it. I hope that there is some way that she and your dad could afford it and she would let it happen.

Good luck with this. I hope you can stay out of any conflama that pops up.


Well-Known Member
the rabbi i speak with for spiritual direction said something like this with respect to dying parents: it never goes entirely well.

she said something that surprised me: that just as there is a communicative hormonal interchange between mother and infant during birth, if the child is nearby, there is a similar process as a parent dies. kind of like a conversation.

you are speaking to your father in your way and he to you. unfortunately cq is blocking, distorting as it is her wont to do.

one thing i did not do for myself as my mother died, is preotect myself. factor in the costs to me. nor did my mother help me in this. her death replayed the same dynamics that had injured me in life. but i had no defense as i chose not too. or perhaps. given the circumctances, i had no defenses.

you do.

by posting here, in conversations with friends, loved ones, you speak your part, and for your father. you try out possible interventions and how they will impact you, as well as him.

dad may be increasingly incapacitated but in his life, like all of us, he made willful and conscious decisions. for which he not you is responsible.

my sister and i could not get on the same page. too much mistrust. your family seems more together. i would if i could try to support each other in an intervention.
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Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
CQ may be isolating to minimize the recognition by family and friends just how severe the Alzheimer’s has gotten.
This is a selfish self preservation mode for CQ with no thought about your fathers well being. Very frustrating and upsetting for sure.
Keep a close eye on things and do get a health inspection or family check up in when you can.