More things change the more the stay the same.

overcome mom

Active Member
I haven't written/responded in a long time. I have been trying to ignore all the pain-pretend it doesn't exist. My son is now back in jail with a good amount of time hanging over his head. I just cannot believe all the trouble he has gotten himself into in the last year.
A little recent history; he was locked up for selling meth, got a suspended sentence ,went to rehab, got kicked out, was still placed on probation. He was homeless the last year, only worked consistently one place for about 4 weeks. His probation is now violated.
I have tried to not concern myself with all the letters that come from courts, from different counties. (he had his mail delivered here). But eventually I have found out too much. I cannot believe all the trouble he has gotten into in the last year. He has court cases in 7 counties, yes that is right, 7 different counties. The majority of the charges are for driving without a license, without insurance and vehicle not registered. I have just recently found out that he also has 2 more felony charges. One ,where they said they found meth in his car and the other for forgery . This is all in addition to the probation he has in another state for illegally using a credit card from where he was working. Do you think he is a career criminal? How can anyone get in this much trouble?
He has a legitimate obsession with cars. Any money he got (stimulus checks) he bought a car. Of course he lost his license prior and has no money for insurance. I am so sorry I hired an attorney for him. He had been offered 10 years with the public defender and the private attorney got him rehab and a suspended sentence. Our justice system at work. When he was in rehab I had the most hope I had for him in 10 years. I am really trying to come to grips that I may die before he gets out of prison/jail. At this point there is really no hope in site. Such a sad waste of life.
I am sorry I have not responded to many people, but I do read on occasion and my heart goes out to all of you.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I can't sadly answer how long he will be this way.If he is an addict, he may do these things until he gets sober and he could. Or not. If you can learn to live one day at a time, it won't help him but it will help YOU accept that we don't have answers... but that each day is new! Each fresh day can be a great day with unexpected opportunities.

I also found letting go of outcomes (not thinking about how things will turn out) has dialed down my anxiety channel at least 90 percent. That is a tool I learned in Nar Anon...that I can actually choose not to think about the future outcomes. I would have laughed if somebody had told me this is possible even five years ago. Yet it is. This tool also came to me from Nar Anon. I am so much more at peace just allowing God to control my future and that of my daughter.

I can't change anything so worrying is just a toxic emotion that doesn't help anyone. But God can, if God is in your life. You can decide to let go of outcomes even without God. We decide what to think about and can alter our thoughts at any time. Trying to analyze our kids or the why's and what did I do wrongs also helps.nobody, causes much angst and gives us no answers. Often our kids don't even really know why but if we push for an answer, the angry young adult often targets us. He or she needs to blame someone and we may take it to heart. in my opinion don't ask.

If you don't like meetings, but are interested in these tools, I recommend buying or renting the SESH book (Sharing Experience Strength and Hope Nar-Anon.) It's on Amazon. I love it and it has a daily reading. There are also online email and Zoom meetings, if interested. If not....tre book is my Bible.

In the end, this is a journey about healing ourselves only because we can't heal our kids. So we, caregivers all our lives, can learn to take care of ourselves. There is no other option except to suffer. It's our decision.

I send blessings and hugs to you and your beloved son.
 
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MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Overcome Mom, I'm so sorry. I don't know how to comfort you other than to say you have done your best and that's all any of us can do. It's out of your hands now. I hope you can find a way to make peace with whatever happens going forward. Perhaps, as Busy suggests, it would be helpful to focus on now, rather than the future. If you can, focus on doing at least one thing each day that distracts you or brings you joy. When I'm at my lowest I find watching comedy on TV can help, or reading something compelling. I also like to exercise - even just taking my dog for a walk can help. Focus on caring for you while he is in jail. You can't fix him but you can work on healing yourself.

Sending you hugs.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
When he was in rehab I had the most hope I had for him in 10 years. I am really trying to come to grips that I may die before he gets out of prison/jail. At this point there is really no hope in site. Such a sad waste of life.
I am sorry I have not responded to many people, but I do read on occasion and my heart goes out to all of you.
Dear Overcome Mom

I am so very sorry for your suffering and I am so very sorry your son has gotten himself into this mountain of trouble and hurt.

Over a 30 year period I worked in maximum security prisons and what you describe is not uncommon. I want to speak to you from the perspective of having worked many years with men such as your son. Typically these guys do very well in prison. They benefit from the structure and the containment. Away from drugs, some of them actually turn to a healthy lifestyle. They repair relationships with family. They work on their health. They begin to go to AA and NA. They go to the chapel. Some will go to college. They develop hobbies. The play sports on the yard. They work out. If your son is eligible to receive psychiatric treatment, he can see a therapist and/or go to groups.

The reality is that your son got himself in a mountain of trouble, because he was living badly. It was inevitable. He got in trouble in so many counties because he was doing wrong things across the board, where ever he went. For people like this an extended prison sentence can be a godsend. Really. These guys need to be stopped. They are careening out of control. Incarceration stops them.

When I write this way people have gotten mad at me, not understanding my meaning. I am not saying prison is good. I am not saying it's fun or desirable. I am saying that it's pretty much inevitable when you're careening out of control due to drugs or other things, and need to be stopped. Your son crashed into reality. Facing reality and facing responsibility are not bad things.

As mothers, we need to face reality too. What other outcome could there be with multiple felonies in multiple counties? Would it really have benefited your son to walk away and not do serious time? He needs some serious time, in my opinion, to reflect on himself, his life so far, and the consequences to himself, to the people he loves, let alone the people who were hurt by crimes he committed. Should it really be any other way?

I feel for you. I do. I would be heartbroken, too. But there is a reality now, that must be faced. You will face it. He will face it. And I believe good can come out of it.

Why not stay with us for a while? I have found no better place to face my reality. than here.
 
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susiestar

Roll With It
I am so very sorry. It is hard when your child is in trouble, no matter how old he is. I really understand what Copa is saying. My StepMIL used to work in prisons all over the world. This won't be easy for you in any way. I know how hard it was for my mother when she had to deal with my brother's legal problems and his stay in jail. If you don't have your own therapist, it might be a good idea to get one to help you through this complicated situation. Your son will put pressure on you to get him a private attorney and to put money on his books so he can get commissary stuff. That is your choice, but I hope you don't feel pressured into doing something you cannot afford.
 

overcome mom

Active Member
Thank you all so much for your replies. It is great to have a place you can tell people what is going on. Right at this point I have not told anyone everything. I still haven't even told my husband everything as he has been very depressed and I know it will put him over the edge. He will find out eventually. I am actually at that this moment doing better than I have in the past. I knew this day was coming. I just didn't know that he would get himself in so much more trouble. Prison is not new for him, he has done time two times before and has been in many different jails for many months at a time. I agree that he needs to be stopped.
What is still hard to understand is when someone gets in trouble so many times and they don't learn; even a dog learns after it has been punished so many times. Mental illness drug addiction, a combo? This is a way of life for him. He does do better with routines, always has. He has been in an institution so much of his life , I am sure he is institutionalized.
I am doing ok now but if he gets 10 years I know I will feel differently. Yesterday was hard because it was 28 years ago yesterday that we brought him home from the hospital. (he was adopted). I can honestly say it was the happiest day of my life. Here we are today. I am so glad I didn't know the future.
Again thanks for being there.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Overcome.

I'm so sorry to hear your sadness and I hope and pray for your peace and that your son finally realizes that his poor choices are causing him a life of pain and anguish.

At this point there is nothing more that you can do except take care of yourself and your husband.
 
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