My adult daughter is spiraling (Borderline Personality Disorder)

Gwenm4

New Member
My daughter is now 36 years old and has two young daughters. She has never officially been "diagnosed" as Borderline (BPD), but through discussions with my own therapist, it's very clear she suffers from Borderline (BPD) and is very narcisstic. Having said all that, she is a single mother who works full time and goes to school full time. About to get her Masters Degree. She is highly functional when it comes to setting goals, but the self-care is not there. She does everything 200% when she is hyper-focused. Hence the overload of taking care of two kids, school and work. I believe there's definitely some mania there, as well at times like this when she goes into hyper-focus mode.

The reason I'm writing is to find some support here with other moms who have adult children who have Borderline (BPD) / Narcissism. I am her scapegoat, always. She verbally attacks me via voicemails at 1:30 in the morning or texting me all night long. I also suspect she is drinking during these times as she gets an idea in her head -- something that makes her annoyed -- and she goes off on me. Through my therapist, I have learned some tools --- like blocking her phone number for more than 1/2 this year. But then, once we are communicating again, I find it difficult to watch her self-destruct. She was arrested last week -- after an altercation in the middle of the night with her estranged husband. She is 100% to blame and of course, she doesn't see it that way. I worry about the kids. Her girls are helpless in all this. They adore her, but there is constant chaos. I have called for a home check one time and never heard the end of it. And yes, I would do it again if I felt there was a safety issue with my granddaughters.

The main thing I'd like to learn from other moms is how do you be happy? I have a great life. A wonderful husband and three other children who respect and love me. I feel sometimes like I'm just not allowed to have peace -- because how do I completely remove her from my life. That is not the answer for me, even though my therapist suggests it may be only option. I worry so much. It's debilitating at times and sucking the life out of me.

I cant' take the abuse any longer.
 

Blighty

Member
Welcome Gwenm

Sorry to hear how your relationship with your daughter has been stressful.

The article on detachment which is at the top of the forum helped me to give myself permission not to have to be responsible for other adults and to put focus back on myself. It helped me learning about what I cannot control; and why waste energy trying to control the uncontrollable.

You don't have to take the abuse any longer. It might be worth spending some time to work out your basic boundaries and how you will enforce them when they are challenged
 

Nomore

Surviving Narcassitic Personality Disorder abuse
My daughter is now 36 years old and has two young daughters. She has never officially been "diagnosed" as Borderline (Borderline (BPD)), but through discussions with my own therapist, it's very clear she suffers from Borderline (Borderline (BPD)) and is very narcisstic. Having said all that, she is a single mother who works full time and goes to school full time. About to get her Masters Degree. She is highly functional when it comes to setting goals, but the self-care is not there. She does everything 200% when she is hyper-focused. Hence the overload of taking care of two kids, school and work. I believe there's definitely some mania there, as well at times like this when she goes into hyper-focus mode.

The reason I'm writing is to find some support here with other moms who have adult children who have Borderline (Borderline (BPD)) / Narcissism. I am her scapegoat, always. She verbally attacks me via voicemails at 1:30 in the morning or texting me all night long. I also suspect she is drinking during these times as she gets an idea in her head -- something that makes her annoyed -- and she goes off on me. Through my therapist, I have learned some tools --- like blocking her phone number for more than 1/2 this year. But then, once we are communicating again, I find it difficult to watch her self-destruct. She was arrested last week -- after an altercation in the middle of the night with her estranged husband. She is 100% to blame and of course, she doesn't see it that way. I worry about the kids. Her girls are helpless in all this. They adore her, but there is constant chaos. I have called for a home check one time and never heard the end of it. And yes, I would do it again if I felt there was a safety issue with my granddaughters.

The main thing I'd like to learn from other moms is how do you be happy? I have a great life. A wonderful husband and three other children who respect and love me. I feel sometimes like I'm just not allowed to have peace -- because how do I completely remove her from my life. That is not the answer for me, even though my therapist suggests it may be only option. I worry so much. It's debilitating at times and sucking the life out of me.

I cant' take the abuse any longer.
My son is cluster B personality disordered, bipolar 1 mixed and alcoholic. He like your daughter calls me and texts me at all hours of the night with the most vile and outrageous crap and threats. Unlike your daughter he is NOT from societies perspective "high functioning". He is happiest creating and living in the drama cycle and has been involved with women who are also borderline and narcassitic personality disordered. They have zero emotional empathy and their toxicity destroys every relationship in its wake. I have been in therapy for years and have studied the science of cluster b disorders (they are a continuum of features), alcoholism and bipolar to better understand my son and myself. My advice. Seek a therapist that is brilliant at understanding cluster b and codependency. Likely you are codependent as most of us mothers dealing with cluster B children. Do your research. Then commit yourself to setting boundaries and go no contact with your daughter.
 

Gwenm4

New Member
Welcome Gwenm

Sorry to hear how your relationship with your daughter has been stressful.

The article on detachment which is at the top of the forum helped me to give myself permission not to have to be responsible for other adults and to put focus back on myself. It helped me learning about what I cannot control; and why waste energy trying to control the uncontrollable.

You don't have to take the abuse any longer. It might be worth spending some time to work out your basic boundaries and how you will enforce them when they are challenged
Thank you!
 

Aching Heart

New Member
Sorry to read about your problems Gwen. :pouting: My youngest daughter is a similar age with similar problems and not only was she abusive to me via private messages, but she also conned me out of a lot of money too. She has no children which is just as well as she never keeps any home she has clean - the last one had to be cleared out by people in hazmat suits and she had also abandoned several cats in it after being evicted. Finally, 3 years ago now, I went no contact with her as her abuse was driving me to a nervous breakdown. I am still on antidepressants.
One thing my doctor told me at the time was that my daughter was an adult and as such I was not responsible for her. I do not regret blocking her in every way possible and luckily she lives over the sea now so she won't be turning up here. I still love that little girl she once was but I just cannot have the adult her in my life anymore. I have a loving, supportive husband and some close family and I am happy again but deep down, I will never get over how she behaved and I will never be able to trust anything she said because I know how fast she would turn on me. For my mental health and the knock on effect it has on my already poor health (I am disabled now) I cannot have her in my life. Those with Borderline (BPD) never get any better. :dissapointed2:
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Stop Walking in Eggshells is one. I don't remember the author but it's not hard to find. Any book by Marsha Linaman (this woman invented DBT which is the #1 therapy for Borderline). I also may have spelled her last name wrong too, but again it should be easy to find. She invented DBT and has written incredible workbooks explaining and helping Borderline (BPD) and also a biography about her own mental health problems that lead to her passion of helping Borderline (BPD). She is brilliant. I love her. She has done youtube videos as well. I have read or seen them all. Until DBT it was thought that borderline was incurable. She alludes to Borderline (BPD) as people who have overly strong emotions and teaches those who want to learn how to deal with these emotions when they get out if control. It is not easy therspy but for borderline who are highly motivated to shed the chaos in their lives there is now therapy to help them.

My daughter obviously has Borderline (BPD) but won't accept help. After ten years of being her doormat, we now don't have contact with her. Borderline (BPD) or not there is therapy to do better and I am not her rug anymore. My daughter's son is in the custody of my other daughter and it looks like she will probably be able to adopt my grandson. Hallelulah!!!
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
Stop Walking in Eggshells is one. I don't remember the author but it's not hard to find. Any book by Marsha Linaman (this woman invented DBT which is the #1 therapy for Borderline). I also may have spelled her last name wrong too, but again it should be easy to find. She invented DBT and has written incredible workbooks explaining and helping Borderline (Borderline (BPD)) and also a biography about her own mental health problems that lead to her passion of helping Borderline (Borderline (BPD)). She is brilliant. I love her. She has done youtube videos as well. I have read or seen them all. Until DBT it was thought that borderline was incurable. She alludes to Borderline (Borderline (BPD)) as people who have overly strong emotions and teaches those who want to learn how to deal with these emotions when they get out if control. It is not easy therspy but for borderline who are highly motivated to shed the chaos in their lives there is now therapy to help them.

My daughter obviously has Borderline (Borderline (BPD)) but won't accept help. After ten years of being her doormat, we now don't have contact with her. Borderline (Borderline (BPD)) or not there is therapy to do better and I am not her rug anymore. My daughter's son is in the custody of my other daughter and it looks like she will probably be able to adopt my grandson. Hallelulah!!!
How is Jayden doing these days? Does Kay ever call him?
 

Nandina

Member
I would like to hear an update on Jayden too, Busy, if you care to. It sounds like your other daughter is doing a wonderful job with him. And yay! About possibly getting to adopt him. That’s great news!
 

Acacia

Well-Known Member
As others here have said, unfortunately, sometimes it is necessary to cut contact. My 41 year old borderline daughter cut contact with me hasn't spoken to me for 5 years. I love her, but the verbal abuse, manipulation, and using me became intolerable. When I set boundaries, she cut me off. It hurts, but honestly, not as much as the abuse did. I read good reviews of Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Narcissist, so I'm planning on ordering that.

You ask how we moms can be happy in situations like the ones we're in. For me it takes 12 step groups, therapy, self-care, and healthy people in my life. We all make mistakes, but I know I was a loving, imperfect mother, and that I deserve to have joy in my life and to be treated with kindness. My daughter is an adult and, even if she has a mental illness, she makes her own choices. Even people with mental illness can change and reach out for help, but they are the ones who must do it. My thoughts are with you.
 

brokeninside

New Member
Stop Walking in Eggshells is one. I don't remember the author but it's not hard to find. Any book by Marsha Linaman (this woman invented DBT which is the #1 therapy for Borderline). I also may have spelled her last name wrong too, but again it should be easy to find. She invented DBT and has written incredible workbooks explaining and helping Borderline (Borderline (BPD)) and also a biography about her own mental health problems that lead to her passion of helping Borderline (Borderline (BPD)). She is brilliant. I love her. She has done youtube videos as well. I have read or seen them all. Until DBT it was thought that borderline was incurable. She alludes to Borderline (Borderline (BPD)) as people who have overly strong emotions and teaches those who want to learn how to deal with these emotions when they get out if control. It is not easy therspy but for borderline who are highly motivated to shed the chaos in their lives there is now therapy to help them.

My daughter obviously has Borderline (Borderline (BPD)) but won't accept help. After ten years of being her doormat, we now don't have contact with her. Borderline (Borderline (BPD)) or not there is therapy to do better and I am not her rug anymore. My daughter's son is in the custody of my other daughter and it looks like she will probably be able to adopt my grandson. Hallelulah!!!
I will check this out and the other suggestions as well. Thank you so much.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi. About Jayden. He is in special education resource classes plus some time in mainstream. At home he is throwing less tantrums and trying to communicate more. I have no doubt that, although he is still delayed, he is doing much better than he would have if Lee and Kay had him. Remember, they would mot vaccinate him and planned to homeschool him. On many levels, including how unmotivated both are, homeschooling would have failed miserably with a delayed autistic child like Jayden. He has a sparkle in his eyes that is new.

Kay does.not call (or Lee). Jayden asks about them sometimes. He cries. He is in therapy. The good news is he is very bonded to Amy and her entire family. Bonding is important for a child who moves from one family to another.

Thanks for asking.
 

Tracy97

New Member
Hi there new Mum here and looking for advice, support.

I have a 25 year old daughter with Borderline (BPD), whilst I am lucky I don't get the verbal abuse I do get the manipulation. She is living abroad for the last 4 years and has not managed to hold down a job and has had a couple of dodgy relationships. For these 4 years I have been fully financially supporting her.
Latest instalment is moving in with her current boyfriend whilst again not working and living mouth to mouth on my money. She has now informed me she is pregnant which is scaring me beyond belief. She is not stable enough emotionally, financially to have a baby and I can't financially take on the added burden.
I am beginning to feel like I am going to have a breakdown. I have worked all my life and was hoping to retire soon. My husband is her Step Father who for my sake is asking me to cut ties.
I could really do with some responses from anyone in similar situation with adult children with BBP.

Cheers
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I am wondering if you have been in therapy or12 Step Programs. We did both!

Enabling your daughter will only encourage her to do her worse. Why? She gets rewarded when she she makes a horrible choice that hurts everyone, such as getting pregnant. And will she refrain from alcohol or drugs during the entire ine months? I wonder if my daughter endulged. Her son, now in safe hands, is still very delayed.


Responsible therapy urges us to give our over 18ers the learning experience of facing their consequences. Even borderline can live better lives. DBT therapy is highly successful if the person wants to get well.

Hugs and love.
 

Tracy97

New Member
Thanks for the prompt reply I am about to start therapy and whilst I've paid for my daughter to attend group DBT therapy I'm not convinced she is attending.
Totally get the fact that I'm enabling her I just need to understand how to stop!
Thank you
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
Maybe you can persuade your daughter to put the baby up for adoption. I don’t know if she or the father would go for that, but it’s worth mentioning to her.

Getting yourself into counseling is an excellent idea. Even if your daughter won’t go to therapy, it will still be very beneficial to you.
 

Tracy97

New Member
She definitely won't give a baby up for adoption, she feels a baby is her meaning of life at the moment in a totally chaotic and non- functioning life. I feel I am grieving at the moment, for the lost of a daughter I haven't really had for some years now and the life she could have had.
I am curious does anyone manage to maintain a healthy relationship with their adult child with Borderline (BPD) or is it always destined to be a troubled relationship. I am trying to work through how I stand back from a situation that I cannot condone or do I walk away from her completely.
It's breaking my heart.
 
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