A lot of times the redirect is useful and fine. And I know that many people object to lying. If the person is lucid and clear and understands things it is one thing. It is another whole ball of wax, in my opinion, if the person isn't lucid, isn't going to understand for the most part, and isn't going to remember. I felt the way daisyface did for a long time.
Until I faced the reality of the abuse some of the carers face. Esp the family members. My adopted gma had a husband who was an incredibly strong, 6'2" toddler. He didn't remember. He couldn't cope. And he hit just like a toddler in a tantrum. Only he was 2" taller than she was and she was the sole caregiver. Until they could afford help through medicare and insurance she didn't have a lot of options. We did all we could. I was the one who saw the bruises and didn't buy her lies. She always had a story - old, clumsy, thin skinned. My parents bought it because they couldn't face it I guess. I listened to the lies, told my parents and then called gma's younger bro. WE were really just neighbors and couldn't make them do anything. Her bro could. They still couldn't afford help, but things were worked out to make him more managable.
Yes, this included lying. Lots of people didn't approve. One therapist thought it was horrible. She refused to look at the bruises. When gma showed her the lady ended the session saying we "just didn't know how to handle him and if all we thought about were bruises it was clear we were monsters and she couldn't waste her time on us".
If P can understand what is going on and be reasonable, such as understanding that Terry cannot do exactly what she wants, and she cannot afford it anyway, that if Terry does what she wants then Terry is going to end up having to pay for P's care and that is not a reasonable expectation, then sure - be upfront and reasonable and go with the truth. Even if she won't be really reasonable, but won't keep abusing Terry with fits and guilt, go with the truth.
But if Terry is going to have to face big scenes, major drama and problems over this situation, esp when the REALITY of the situation is such that the apt cannot be kept, Terry CANNOT keep managing it and manage all P's other needs, that P is not going to be physically able to go but not going is going to be a long upsetting saga of drama for BOTH Terry and P, well, the lie may be the most humane way to go.
I am NOT saying to lie and say the apt is still open andwe are going next month/year/week/spring and all is great. I am saying to tell her that it was at partly her idea - that she agreed, even if you say the agreement was reluctant. It will give her some feeling of control over something that she has no choice in and may save Terry from some abuse. Maybe if the rest of Terry's life wasn't full of difficult child she would be more able to cope with P's drama, or if she had any real family help with P, but she had a difficult child-filled life outside of P and she is the only person taking care of all this stuff outside of paid staff.
It is OK if you don't agree. I know my parents have both said that when they are old and unable to remember that they would rather be told that they agreed that something would happen if it had to happen and was in their best interest. Given, of course, dementia/alzheimers type mental state - mostly because it will help them be at peace and not spend all their time being angry with us for stuff we cannot help. We have spoken openly and frankly about htis and they brought it up and asked me to do this. Actually, mom first wanted a gun if she is getting to that mental state and too healthy for a DNR and no life support to finish her off. We will deal with that when the time comes - and she has been told I won't discuss it before. The living will is one thing, giving a demented person a gun is another, in my opinion.
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