My daughter is a loser

[hearts and roses]

It pains me to say it out loud...to admit that she is behaving as such a dirtbag, lying, cheating loser. But it's the truth.

She lied to me repeatedly over the weekend, blew off her supposed last day of work, lied to her super sweet nice boyfriend (I am clueless why he doesn't dump her) and ran around with Monkeyboy and his friends. Loser.

I'm so ashamed to call her my daughter and I plan on telling her that tonight, after I steal the boyfriend's jacket back from her. It probably reeks of smoke so I'm going to clean it and return it to him at his work later in the week.

Her behavior is appalling at best. What a disappointment she has been in recent weeks. Just when it seemed she had turned a corner. Yeesh.

 

[everywoman]

I'm sorry she is being such a pain. I have called my difficult child and his friends pot-head losers for years now. It is only in the last few months that I have seen major changes in mine. He seems to be finally "getting" it. But, I hate to speak too soon---life with a difficult child is never steady for long.

 

[Suz]

Jo, in my humble opinion, the stinking jacket is a perfect "natural consequence" to bad behavior. I figure she can either pay for the cleaning herself or deliver it stinky and reep the consequences. No need for you to intervene in this even though the temptation is strong to protect "boyfriend."

Where's the *banging your head against a wall* smiley when you need one?

Hugs,
Suz

 

[hearts and roses]

Suz, you're right. I guess I just wanted to protect him since I know what's going on and he doesn't yet. I feel so bad for this young man. He's genuinely a nice guy

None of us can figure out how he got mixed up with difficult child.

 

[Star*]

I agree with Suz - jacket is a natural consequence for nice guy. Maybe this time he looses a jacket and next time he picks a girl that treats him nice.

As far as looser daughter? Ugh. Maybe we can call her poor decision daughter, or Child of foolhearty choices? I dunno....I know you love her and i get that you're angry but she's not a looser. Even maybe Idiotthought process girl.....? Even XX the LIAR, but I have a hard time calling any of my nieces looser.

I'm really sorry she's making such poor decisions now and hurting what little bit of hope you had left for her. Maybe - we'll call her Hopeful. ?

Aw JO - I know what you mean, I'm just so sorry and disappointed for you. You are a great Mom and you try SO hard. The only thing I can see at this point is putting distance between you and her and letting go.

HUGE HUGS - not passing judgement on your choice of words either - I completely understand. However, I'm an Auntie and as such it is MY duty to relay to you that my niece has potential she's just sitting on most of her brains. But not a L.

Hugs
Star

 

[Suz]

I understand the wanting to protect. When Rob was really acting out and a girl took an interest in him I wanted so much to yell RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, you know, he had to learn that bad behavior wasn't going to be tolerated by nice people and if he wanted to hang around with a nice person, he was going to have to make some changes.

Your difficult child isn't there yet....but hopefully she will come around if she has to face enough of these not so nice consequences.

It's sure hard to watch, though...

Suz

 

[Fran]

Doesn't it just crush you to think and say that?! We have gone through many periods of time where I felt the same thing. Years of working and trying to teach them better leaves me frustrated at what I see as bad behavior.

Hope she gets it together sooner instead of later.

 

[hearts and roses]

Your difficult child isn't there yet....but hopefully she will come around if she has to face enough of these not so nice consequences.

That's just it Suz, she doesn't even care that she's being so rude, disrespectful and mean to him. This is a young man with whom she's known since Kindergarten - he lives in town - and they all know everyone. So many of her ex friends came out of the woodwork to say how excited they were she was seeing him. Now it's going to be, "Oh, yeah, she really is a ________" (that was for your benefit Star).

Star, I never in a million years would want to call my own daughter a loser, but the fact is if you hang with losers and keep tripping over yourself to get back in with them, chances are you're a loser too. And that's what I see right now.

I am not having too much trouble detaching, but I am having trouble detaching with love. Currently, I am detaching with anger and I would prefer not to do that. It's very difficult because of the strong desire to slap her really hard to try and knock some sense into her.

I suppose part of the boyfriend's lesson here is to choose more carefully. I still don't know what he saw in her.

 

[bran155]

I am so sorry Jog. It is utterly heartbreaking to watch our babies grow up to make such poor choices. I too am guilty of thinking of my daughter as a "loser". I don't think I have actually ever called her that but it has often crossed my mind!!! It is very disappointing to work so hard at directing these kids to do the right thing only to end up watching them do all of the wrong things. Very frustrating.

I agree Suz, where is the banging your head against a wall smiley face??? That would be so fitting for most of us!!!

Hang in there.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh Jo, I wish we could legally drug our kids for a few years until they grow up lol. Hey...send her into the military! Tell her there are plenty of guys there. One thing I would do immediately is get her out of your house if it means paying her rent for one month. The best thing we did is get Cory out of the house. (Now the second best thing we did was have me almost die the same month he moved out but I dont advise that...lol)

Cory has grown up so much sense he moved and him and his father get along so much better. He is going to come here and take care of me a couple of times a week. He cooked the turkey for thanksgiving and went to Mandys family and then had the thoughtfulness to bring his father and me plates in the hospital. This is all huge for a personality disorder kid.

He is 22....growth is possible. Of course cops are involved.

 

[Suz]

Jo, remember that she is only 19. Rob didn't give two hoots at that age either.

At 19 and 20 and part of 21 Rob was mostly homeless, surly, and still breaking the law doing stupid things. We hope for miracles when they come of age but it ain't happening for most of our kids. It wasn't until Rob was exposed to the same bad consequence over and over and over that he started to get a glimmer.

sigh.

Suz

 

[KTMom91]

I'm so sorry, Jo. We're dealing with similar things with Miss KT.

 

[Steely]

Yes, she is being a total loser, right now. She has the hallmark signs of evolving into certified loser. But she is not one yet.
It feels like she is, but alas, she has the emotional IQ of a 15 year old, so she still can't quite yet be classified as one until she is, uh, 30? I know, god forbid, more to endure.

I SO understand. There is no logic, no one thing that can make these kids think straight. They have minds made from rocks. However, I do know that it seems as if they start to turn a corner when they are around 27.........Hang in there girl. I am so sorry!

 

[Hound dog]

I also have trouble with the term loser. At least for her age. She still has alot of growing up to do. Alot.

I'm disappointed too as I'd hoped along with you that Monkeyboy was old news. But for some people it takes repeated lessons for them to eventually get it. Nichole has come so very far and still hasn't quite gotten it with boyfriend yet either.

difficult child's treatment of this boy is probably because she doesn't really believe he could actually like her anyway. Most likely because she doesn't like herself very much right now. Too bad the boy is getting hurt. But that's not your fault. Live and learn. Odds are he won't pick someone like difficult child a second time around.

I know it's frustrating as pure heck to watch them keep making the same stupid mistakes over and over again as if they're stuck in a rut. And believe me I sooo understand the wanting to slap her silly to hopefully knock some sense into her. Eventually, hopefully, it will get old and she'll start making the right decisions that will make her happy.

Until then, let nature conscequences take their course.

Sorry she's decided to go backward.

((hugs))

 

[susiestar]

Jo, I am sorry. I know it hurts you to watch her behavior, to learn of her lies, to see her hurt other people with such flagrant disregard as though they weren't even people.

Remember, the part of the brain that controls decision making isn't fully developed for a number of years yet. She will probably look back on all of this and be horrified in 20 years.

As for the boyfriend, if your town is as small as you say, well, he KNEW what she was like when he started dating her. This MAY be a shock to him, but it SHOULDN'T be, simply because she was like this for quite a while before they got together.

Something in this relationship iwth the nice boy fills HIS needs/wants. Maybe have the jacket come back stinky would be a way to help HIM learn. Though his learning is no more your responsibility than cleaning the jacket is.

I hope the anger can soon pass. I remember a history teacher telling me that revolutions don't happen when people are just horribly downtrodden and abused by those in power. Revolutions happen when they get something a little bit nicer and tehn that is threatened.

It was easier for you when difficult child kept dating guys like monkeyboy and acting like a gfgjerk. But then she started acting better, dating a nice guy, and now all that is threatened or going down the tubes. So you are feeling extra angry, because you had finally gotten some hopes and now it looks like they will not stay true.

We know you love her. I am sorry somehting in her seems to need that conflama and the horrible treatment Monkeyboy gave her.

Hugs to your hurting mommy heart.

 

[hearts and roses]

Thanks, ladies. I just want to say I have never called her a loser...oh I wanted to for sure, but I hate the connotation that goes with being called a loser...but I won't say it out loud to her face because that would just be one more thing for her to hang onto ("My mom called me a loser"). H might, but I think even he knows to bite his tongue.

I have to thank you for pointing out her age again to me. I think I've just been spoiled by easy child. Not that she's perfect, but she has been relatively easy and has always had goals that she makes for herself. So, I guess I should be marveling at her advanced maturity and just rolling my eyes at difficult child's immaturity and impulsive behavior? I was very much like difficult child at her age, except for the job thing. I lived on my own and worked full time and paid all my bills...so not really a difficult child, just part of that '80's style free living lifestyle! Haha.

I think it's important to continue to point things out to difficult child, just like I have with easy child - I mean, less with easy child now because she's over 21 and for the most part, doing very well. But like someone said, difficult child is still 15 emotionally and still needs things pointed out to her.

Last night I called her to see where she was at around dinner time and she said she was going with the nice boyfriend to Walmart and I simply asked her why she was with him, why was she leading him on...she started to protest and then just didn't say anything at all. I wasn't lecturing or angry or yelling at her. I ended the conversation with: "difficult child, he's a nice guy. If you're not interested let him go. He deserves to be with someone who will appreciate him and it's not fair of you to lead him on. We're nice people, we don't do that sort of thing. Please." And she said, "Okay mom" and we hung up. As of now, I don't know how things went down, but I do know that she wasn't with him about an hour and a half later because he was on line at home.

I've done all I can with this - the rest is up to her. And the boyfriend. I wish he'd dump her.

 

[janebrain]

Hi Jo,
just sending hugs your way. I don't think my difficult child ever had a nice boyfriend but I can sure imagine her treating him the same way your difficult child is treating hers. My theory was that difficult child would have great contempt for anyone who had the bad judgment to like her, thus her attraction to loser boyfriends. Also, the nice guys were boring--she liked the "bad boys" a lot more, they were more exciting.

I do know how you feel about her being a "loser"--I never called mine that either to her face but I sure thought of her that way. Strangely though, once I accepted that I truly thought she was a loser I was able to detach much better and kind of just accept her as she presented herself. It really helped our relationship when I just accepted that she didn't seem to value the same things I did--such as honesty, not conning people, not using people, etc. It's like I finally got it--oh, these things don't really mean that much to her. Okay, then I'll proceed on that basis and it has really worked.

Good luck!

Jane

 

[hearts and roses]

I learned this AM that she did in fact break it off with the nice boyfriend. I also noticed on her Facebook that she is "now listed in a relationship", but she doesn't list whp it is. I noticed that a couple of the nice boyfriend's friends posted to her wall asking her why she dumped the nice guy.

I am relieved that she broke up with him. Now at least he can move on to a nicer girlfriend, hopefully. Who knows, maybe he has a tendency to choose badly as well? That would be the kicker for me! Hahaha.

Jane, you're so right. Once I am able to just accept her as she is it will be easier on all of us. thank you for your insight. Instead of fighting over how I think she should be or behave, etc., I need to just stop and let her do her thing.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Hi Jo,

Though Daughter has made some poor choices (she just hit me with a bomb last night), I THINK (hope, pray, cross fingers and everything else into a pretzel) she is going to be okay. So far, she I think (hope, pray, etc.....) she is learning from them.

I don't know if you should actually TELL HER you think she's a loser. Think it, don't say it (you might regret it later).

I'm an older sister of a former major difficult child sister. We're talking loser after loser boyfriends, drug dealing, taking off and no one hearing anything for over a year. She turned the corner when she was 30 (I know, it doesn't mean it will take yours THAT LONG). She had a tubal pregnancy and had to have surgery as a result. She told me that she it hit her, she was 30 with little education and no prospects. Where was she going to be when she hit forty? That is when she decided to go back to school. She ended up being an honors student in college and now owns two businesses. Loser boyfriends are gone, too.

So, detach and live your life, but save your words. If difficult child turns it around those words may come back to haunt you.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Oh, okay. I just responded to your original post about not calling her a loser.

Live your life. She's going to do what she's going to do. Hasn't she always?


(((hugs)))