My Daughter is a Prostitute

[Bean]

I just had to say it. Sort of out loud. To someone other than my husband and my mother.
She's posting ads on Craigslist and the like.
She drinks, she smokes weed. She lies. She does weird things that make me wonder if she's psychotic.

Most of all, she breaks my heart.

I enjoy life, for the most part. But I don't live it the way (I think) I should be. I can't lose weight or take care of myself. I indulge too much (sweets, food, alcohol). My marriage suffers.

The REAL important things I have.

The others (money, support, mental health)... I don't.

I feel like I'm going along, coping as good as possible - and then BAM. Something hits with her.

My parents continue to enable her. They pay her rent even though I've pleaded to them within an inch of ruining our relationship to please stop. I swear I could tell my mother I was going to get divorced, dive into a bottle of alcohol and kill myself, and she'd still enable my kid. She claims ignorance and being "swindled" by her, but I really don't know. I can't even go into all of the nooks and crannies of our relationship woes, but their willingness to continue to enable her bring on some suspicions from myself and my husband. That doesn't help.

Sometimes, like 10% of the time, this is all too much for me. There are a million things for me to do (bills, work, put food on the table, try to live a normal life, comb my hair, fit in my clothes, support my family...) and in the middle of it I have a daughter who is selling herself sexually for money.

Some stuff is just to hard to unthink.

But, hey, if you're reading this and are suffering through the same thing - I just wanted you to know you are NOT ALONE. I'm suffering too. Quietly. I have no friends I can talk to. They all have their own problems and apparently I'm too good of a listener for anyone to even ask me how I really am. But honestly, where does a conversation go after you tell someone your kid is a user, abuser, lier and deceiver and oh - she's also probably given a massage with a happy ending to one of their friends?

I pray. That's all I can do.

 

[dashcat]

Bean,
You're not alone either. Sending hugs and understanding.
Dash

 

[Marcie Mac]

Am sorry Bean- I know how heartbreaking the whole thing must be. Its difficult to acknowledge there isn't a dang thing you can do to help your daughter nor to get your parents to knock off the enabeling and most difficult of all how to get your mind OFF the problems and move on with your life and enjoy it.

I am not religious but firmly believe everyone has a journey in their life that they have to sort out themselves at some point after the time of parenting has passed. Its painful to watch sometimes but keep telling yourself this is her journey now and sometimes all you can do is keep your fingers crossed that they eventually "get it" Detachment is never easy but necessary to keep your sanity.

For me, with my eldest, she is no longer a topic of conversation in the house. She has not "prostituted" herself for money but has done it for a roof over her head and has had a baby (three now) to try and seal the deal on upgrading for better living arragements. Am thankful she had herself fixed, and has been with the last baby daddy for a couple of years. I trained her in a job where she would never be out of work and would be self sufficent, raised her to be independent and for some reason decided she wanted to be a stay at home mom ala Ozzie and Harriett and was determined to get there one way or another. Obviously her choices gets her swirled in all kinds of drama and that is the part she thrives on. Baby daddy #2 was a crack addict and she was in fear for her life and moved back home with the two kids - but it was only a few months later she hooked up with his neighbor and was preggie in no time flat.

I would suggest you get together with a therapist to help you thru. And try and detach from your parents. Unfortunately your pleas are falling on deaf ears and they will have to learn the hardway. If they call you to complain or fill you in on what she is up to, kindly say you don't want to hear it or discuss it and find a way to quickly get off the phone. The less you know the easier the detachment part will kick in

Hugs
Marcie

 

[Hound dog]

((((hugs)))))

We're here. You're not alone.

I firmly believe there are just some things parents are meant to never know about their children. I would put boundaries into place that would prevent me from knowing any more, even if it meant distancing myself from enabling family members. (at some point you have got to protect you and to heck with others)

As Marcie wisely said, get a therapist to help you get through this. It will help to have someone in person to unload on whenever you need to who can help you with coping mechanisms that are healthy and to help you to detach more.

I suspect Katie has done this. I strongly suspected it when she first came to us over a decade ago, I suspected it again this time. But I refuse to let my mind hover there any longer than suspicion because there is not one thing I can do about it, so I push it out of my head again. If it ever gets confirmed, I have no clue what I'll do.

We're great, but we can't do the in person stuff that is so valuable. Please see a therapist, you'll be glad you did.

 

[DDD]

I just read your signature info to refresh my memory. Glad to see that you are seeking outside help as, in my humble opinion, that is really necessary when you are facing the stress of coping with a difficult child living and alternative lifestyle. Im my experience it just wasn't possible to "share" with friends because not only was it embarrassing (sigh) it was somewhere below Jerry Springer and yet not solvable. Maybe a screaming match with a couple of "bouncer guys" nearby would help more. LOL

Congratulations on only getting overwhelmed 10% of the time. Seriously, that is huge progress. If you can keep your focus on your four great kids, try to set a personal goal to help your self image/health, and detach to the best of your ability your difficult child will fade a little more from your daily thoughts. I wish I had better answers but repeating the Serenity Prayer helped me maintain my sanity...or at least most of it. Hugs. DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

Im just so sorry and have much sympathy for you. Hugs.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Oh Bean.. I'm so, so sorry. I have to agree with Lisa, distancing yourself from this so that you "know" as little as possible might be best right now. It's just too painful, and I can only imagine how insane it must make you inside to know that your parents are enablng her. That would be enough to throw me into daily panic attacks. It's so unnatural as a parent, to distance yourself from your child and to not ask, not know .. but it's necessary for our survival sometimes. If you're learning things about difficult child through your mother, maybe you need to distance yourself from her, too. Again, not natural, and incredibly painful. My heart goes out to you.

Hugs.

 

[Nancy]

No Bean you are not alone. I believe my alcoholic/pot smoking difficult child also has sex for money. I am afraid to check craigslist for fear of what I may find, but she belongs to several online dating services and from her profiel she isn't looking for a long term relationship.

All we can do is remember that we live our life the way we want to and they live their life the way they want to. We may not agree with or even like what they do but it is not our life and it does not define us.

Work on making yourself happy, do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[Bean]

So...

Not to sound incredibly stupid, because I'm much better at giving advice than using it on myself. :/

But, really, it is all about detachment? Releasing, letting go, moving on.
Maybe (with addicts) there's a false sense of control. Maybe it is just something that breaks your heart. Maybe it is the nature of the beast. With cancer patients (or other ailments that threaten your world and way of being), detachment isn't the option. Grieving, maybe. Or taking a "head on" attitude.

Addiction and addicted kids is about the only thing that I can think of that really talks about removing yourself from the stress. I'm thinking out loud again, milling through the muck.

I haven't talked to her in a few days. I'm actually relieved that she does not have a phone. That she can't call. She's tried from a friend's phone, but I didn't answer. She posted a note on my Facebook, but I ignored it. She's trying to contact my mother to pay her phone bill. I don't know if she will (my mom, pay), but there's an opportunity there.

It's heartbreaking to kind of "lose" a kid and "lose" your mom in the same battle. I'm trying to separate the two and remember that addiction is a cunning, baffling "you didn't cause it, can't cure it" thing, but it doesn't soften the blow.

Sometimes I think I might be wrapped up in it actually too, since my whole life as far as goals and such is at at standstill and has been for the last seven years. I need to start living! Not just surviving, but living.

 

[Calamity Jane]

You know, Bean, there's a dignity in the condition of humanity that addiction seems to block out in the severely addicted person. They "lose" their humanity and the inherent dignity that goes along with it, and we are just observers unfortunately. All we can do, even though it seems inadequate, is pray, and offer support and help to stop using when they are ready to accept it. Otherwise, what is the alternative? You can't join her on the streets, you can't become an addict - none of that would help her. It's really a shame what substance abuse steals from the family relationship.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I am so sorry Bean, I feel your pain, I think many of us do. I agree that this is a devastating experience for a parent, to separate from your own child. I also agree that getting help for ourselves is of utmost importance.

Because of my own experience with my daughter and her mental illness, bad choices, illogical ways of thinking, odd self focus, inability to "future think" and lack of "normal" behavior, what became imperative was making a choice to live MY life separated from hers. That is certainly detachment, however, from my way of thinking, it was more about acceptance. Acceptance for simply what is. And, that "what is" that reality, was having a profoundly negative impact on my life. After much trying and failing, it became evident that there was nothing else I could do for my daughter, only she can make the choices necessary to live a productive, successful, healthy, good life (or not).

I don't know what's right or wrong for other parents, it's such a personal decision to detach, let go, accept, whatever you call it, to "lose" a kid, as you put it. And I don't think there is a right or wrong either, it is a path we find ourselves on, we do our best, we suffer in our incredible disappointments and sorrows, the heartbreak of it is extraordinary in it's depth and breadth...... and we keep putting one foot in front of the other, sometimes with grand effort. Each of us finds our own way through the dreaded, creepy and scary maze of detachment.

Your last comment about being wrapped up in it and your life being at a standstill for 7 years seems to be where many of us land. I believe there is a point we all seem to reach where we feel as if we have done enough, we have reached critical mass, there is no where else to go, nothing else to do, and then we stop. Surviving is not enough for you. It isn't enough for me, it isn't enough for most of us. I guess I reached a point where I wanted to live more then I wanted to keep saving my daughter from her self. And then I began accepting it. And then it got better. ((((HUGS))))

 

[rejectedmom]

Bean, I am so sorry you are going through this. I also thought my son was prostituting himslef at one point. It is heart breaking for us parents but we have to seperate from it and live our own life. I was at m father in law's funeral last week and told my nephew that I am in the last 20 years of my life now and that when I look at my grandkids I realize how fast the last ten went. I spent them only particially engaged in living my life due to difficult child stuff and my father in law's Alsheimer's desease and being the sole medical and financial POA. My life has not been about me...ever. (I had an overbearing stiffling father and married at 20 to escape then had my first kid at 22).

I have made a vow that I will now live my own life and do only the things I want to do from now on. Yes I know that is a bit unrealistic but it represents a goal and a promise for a beter life ahead.

Message: Keep on working toward healthy. It is OK to take care of youself. Hugs, -RM

 

[witzend]

Bean, do know that you're not alone. My daughter isn't there, but she may as well be. She sugar daddied herself until she found one that would take the bait. Who knows how that will turn out? It's awful. I do think that you have to detach from what your parents are doing to enable your daughter. You can't change them any more than you can change her. I believe that if you want to have a relationship with them you will have to make your daughter a forbidden topic.

I also have been feeling like rejectedmom. My parents are 84 and still living, but I have health issues that they do not and was never able to be as physically fit as them. Then there's the more obvious - we have no family to support us at all. All we can do is make the most of our lives at this point. If only every day could go as slowly as those days behind us went quickly. Look for something to occupy your mind. Take up a hobby. Read a book. I know it all sounds over-simplistic but it's true. We have to teach ourselves to think of things other than our difficult children. We spent too much time there already.

 

[Star*]

Bean,

Howdy....(I kinda got stuck here because I didn't know how I really wanted to 'come at' you)

First of all - like everyone else said you aren't alone, but then again? You are kind of aren't you? You seem to have enabler parents that by your own admission don't care what happens to you. You have a husband that is very put-off by all the drama-conflama-from the Mama, and trust me honey it' aint the weight gain....I was nearly 300 lbs and I was a sexy beast - BUT sure didn't feel it, and felt LESS like doing anything about it when "MY" whole world seemed to be going to poo.

I mean there I am in my life rolling along, nearly organized to the nth degree and WHAM - and it just spiraled out of control and it was like a kite string running through my hands and burning my fingers - I had a hold on the string, could see the kite - but with every gust of wind - the kite went farther away and that string unraveled a little more until one day - I just was left wtih an empty spool, staring at the sky - clueless as to what I should do next. In other words I had HUNG ON so long - SO TIGHT, with all that I had in me - that when the string finally disappeared? I didn't know how to reorganize my life. MOstly for quite a while? I tried to create drama and dind't know it - and GOLLY that was fun for everyone.

So it took a lot of personal re-evaluating, soul searching if you prefer - to figure out, that I was cruising up on middle age, size 24 pants were next, my health was shot, my hair was falling out, I was miserable and I was out of control. Then I had kids, and lost a kid and had a kid going buck wild - and OMG I had a stroke, lost my job of nearly 8 years.....went from beaucoup bucks to soup kitchens.....and it was so frustrating I finally threw my hands in the air and gave up - I ate what I wanted, then slept. I had no friends....and didn' tdo anything for myself. He'll never admit it - but my fiance (DF) must have really been one tough man - because he actually called the shrink for me. I was angry - OH LORD was I poed. I had it together, I didn't need help. I could balance this - I mean I have faced bigger crises in my life and was fine.

Well I wasn't. See we trick ourselves into believing "WE ARE FINE" WE CAN HANDLE THIS - WE' USED TO DO IT ALL THE TIME. And while that may be true of most repetitive jobs? The stress you get from lack of support, and kids that won't STOP? Adds up.....and when you don't UNMESH yourself from it all - instead of being able to deal with todays problem - yesterdays problem and the day before and the day before and so on and so on just gets heaped on top of each other until you are so burried..you are falsely convincing yourself I CAN HANDLE THIS.....and you cant. Pride is a mule that should be out in the pasture.

Okay - you have a daughter that is a prostitute. And there are many horrible things wrong with that statement. Question....Are you the ONLY Mother in the history of Mothers who has had a daugther be a prostitute? No. So in THAT sense you are not alone. Can you change her profession? NO. This is her choice. Do you have to like it? Nope. Do you have to respect it? Nope. Do you have to deal with it? Nope. So do you have to disown her to not deal with it? (shrug) Isn't that your choice???

What I'm saying is ABSOLUTELY we have our standards. (draws line in the sand) and here are yours and here are where you suppose your daughters are. HER life -------YOUR life. Two separate lives. Do you want to introduce her to your friends as MY daughter the college student? I dunno. I don't know if I could introduce my daughter in public as "OH hello - and this is my daughter Clarissa - the prostitute" But if that's what she did? And I didn't agree with it? I have a choice. I can either - Detach myself from her activities and enjoy her at my leisure.....and if she's a baboons kiester - Take her back home. If we have a good day - then lay down some ground rules. Make them YOUR rules. She breaks them one time - OUT of the car she goes.

I had zero for family support for Dude. I didn't have a whole lot of support for Dude from DF - and at times he got so sick of hearing about him I knew just to keep my thoughts and ideas about the situation to mysefl. I also know that the moment I said - GET OUT - and took him to the train station - I meant it. I ddn't hear from him for months, in three years he called twice asking for used clothes and a bit of money for a cell phone when he was job hunting for a go p hone.. Other than that? Until I knew it was dire/ HE was on his own - and BOY what a wakeup call that was for us both.

There were lots of times I wanted to reach out and send a little gift box or money - and didn't. There wer times when I saw his number on the caller ID and have not answered. It takes TIME - and it takes TRAINING yourself to say "YOU KNOW WHAT If I do NOT answer that phone and talk to my disrespectful, only ever wants something kid.....? " That is OKAY...he's not going to disappear - he'll be back and the morbid side of that - if he isn't or doesn't .....He lived his life the way he choose. Sad as those choices may be - they were HIS choices. Trying to get your kid to OWN their choices is best done when you STOP helping them, and allow them to fall. It doesn't happen over night, and you have to tell yourself - things like -

I CAN spend money on weightwatchers - and not give it to my son for his phone bill - I"M WORTH IT.

I can refuse to pick up the phone and NOT LIE about it later when I get "WHY DIDN"T YOU ANSWER THE PHONE because you SAW it was me?? HU? HUH??...."well yes and I wasn't in the mood for your ****".

I CAN talk to my child like he's anyone off the street and take off the kid gloves because ......THE REST OF THE WORLD ISN"T GOING TO SMACK him with a feather - Doesn't mean I have to rock him to sleep with a boulder.....just means I don't have to pucker up and kiss his hiney. Find a nice medium you can live with - STOP trying to be the Mom you hoped you always could be - the time for that is gone. She's moved on - you have not. Stop mourning the loss of a child that hasn't died. She's a prostitute......she does drugs.....shes not what you wanted her to be. BUT maybe in time after you work on YOURSELF ? You can either accept her choice and rise above it OR choose not to without guilt. But staying stagnant where you are? Beating youself up for all her "MISTAKES"??? WOW - not a good example and one that she is likely to follow.

My kid took me through hell and back. The first two died....and in the mean time Dude didn't give me much of a breather because in his world it was and still very much is - ALL ABOUT HIM. Even with a baby in his life - he's in jail and his daily thought is ------I NEED.....I need to get out, I need soap, I need .....And once I stopped helping that? Freaking out about the fact that my son is in jail? He realized a few things too. Like I'm not there to fix things all the tme - he had to make choices on his own without me. LIFE altering choices. Choices that will affect HIM when he's my age - and I'll be too old to care or remember.

Your daughter is still a person. SHe may not be behaving like the daughter you wanted, but again - how much contact you allow yourself with HER choices that will directly affect YOUR CHOICES and YOUR life is up to you. Detaching to me at first meant - ABSOLUTELY no contact. It was the only way I could break the kite string between us. If you knew where he was, and who he was with - I can tell you that was the worst months of my life. I always worried about my kid...most people do - but I worried his Father would kill him to spite me. I guess he tried to..on two occasions. Did not work and well - the rest as they say is a lesson learned.

Bean Im not sure what I would do if I had a prostitute daughter. Im not sure if I would say - OKAY let me take you to a real doctor so you can get a check up every three months and supply her with endless condoms and a taser...OR if I would just be so put off by her behavior I would face her and say "I don't like who you have become, and until I can find a way to deal with it ? I need you to let me be." That again is a choice only you can make.

As far as her addiction? On TOP of all that? That's on her isn't it? I mean shes no dummy - shes out there making a living - and while it's not the way anyone would think OH JOY - she has to realize that drugs, and sex and the like are a CHOICE - so relenquish the power of that to her - THAT is her choice. REHAB would be her choice. FINDING A WAY TO GO? Her choice. Never hurts to say I'll support you - but past that? You are on your own. And trust this - WE get plenty of calls daily with people CRYING, sobbing on the phone begging for help - they call 911 because they are so poor they don't even have minutes left on their phones - but KNOW (get that - they KNOW ) if they call 911 there is no cost and we can call someone FOR them to get them help - either ambulance, hospital, rehab - someone from EMS WILL come and get them - and most will talk to you and say "I can't live like this any more I have to get myself straight, I don't want to go on living - BUT I just know I can't be like this anymore." So when I hear things like that? They get help - are they serious? SURE. They're desperate, alone, scared. And each time I get one of these calls I think of our kids. My kids....and I think - We're all just a paycheck away from homelessness - and then what? Could it be this? Would it be? What makes MY desire to stay sober stronger than yours? (and I shrug) but I know one thing -
You love your kid. And every building has to have a solid foundation - so maybe when you are ready? Give yourself a demolition party of sorts - Find a new life for yourself - and if this therapist isn't working? Find one that is......and when you are able - WIPE the slate with your kid and start wtih the basics.....I love you is a good place - BUT ONLY after you love YOURSELF. And right now sister? YOU ......do not. So I can't see you really giving good advice to anyone - INCLUDING yourself.

Take care of you first............THEN worry about what comes down the pike - and stop trying to be a peacemaker between your parents and your husband and your kid - LET THEM figure out their own problems - YOU are on MISSION BEAN.....got it.......?

ME FIRST......no GUILT......and if that takes five years? It takes five years. But GET YOURSELF right first......emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally....and the rest of the junk you are worried about will either line up or ......it won't be in your life.....you won't want it around to ruin your happiness and good juju. AND THEN? THEN you get to reach out and help the kid - BECAUSE what she will see then? Is a Mom who really got HER act together and despite having a daughter do what she did? ROSE above it all......and became a blossoming bean......Castor bean if you will......Lovely blossom - but deadly if you mess with it. And that's the kind of woman that your husband will look at too and go - WOW. Then somewhere along the way? You figure out - you WANT to feel healthier -do something about the weight - shed 160 pounds.....and now you are mentally, spiritually, emotionally and (trust me you drop 160 lbs and go from a size 22 to a 8 - ) physically - ready for ANYTHING that kid throws at you. EVEN "OH MOM I am in love with GOdzilla and we're going to have a baby" I don't have a job, neither does she, and I don't even have a drivers license but we're going to make it!!!! (clapps happily like a bongo monkey ------yeah!!!)

(note to self future daughter in law is really a wonderful girl NOT godzilla) find new name for baby momma.

Hang in there kiddo -
Love star

 

[pasajes4]

Star that was spot on. It was not directed at me, but it might as well have been. It was what I needed to hear. Thank you.

 

[BusynMember]

I would bet that this happens a lot more than we think. A drug addict is not employable but needs money for the habit so what is easier than being a prostitute? My son's birthmother was a drug addict and we believe she was a prostitute. She had five kids with different men and Sonic was born with drugs in his system and an STD. She did not list a birthfather on the birth certificate. It said "unknown."

I am also going on 59 and intend to enjoy every minute of the rest of my life, concentrating on myself for once and not putting my children first. I have one son that totally skipped out of my life and I will probably never see him again and I've decided to focus on those who are positive in my life because worrying about those who bring us down just makes us unhappy, and we can't control our kids anyway. They are going to do what they want to do. I have a few very needy kids, but it's time to enjoy life. I like to tell myself "Let go and Let God." (((Hugs))) and I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[Chantale]

2 weeks ago my daughter yold me she want to be a prostitute. I baged her not to but she says thst she will make so much munny ans she can plan her retirement she is 24. She was a derecter in a gim good job but not enough money for the life she wants. She is engaged and her fiancé is ok with it can you believe that. I dont get it, i meane i am a good and loving mother always there for her. No i'm not rich and i did not rase her to love money like this i mean money is not evething. Enyway since last week she is doing it and I dont know how to deal with it. I dont know whst to say. We talk today and i ask her how is her studies going and she says she dont need that cause there is no job that will give her as much money as this. I'm afraid to say something that will make her stop talking to me and I want to be there clise yo her if she false. I've been crying for the past 2 weeks and she don't know how this is killing me. How dose a mother deal with this?

 

[JaneBetty]

Chantale, my heart goes out to you. It must have been awful when your daughter told you this. I have a friend who had to bail her daughter out of jail a few years ago on charges of prostitution, and my friend could barely get the words out, she felt so ashamed for her daughter.
I am sure you are confused as to why she decided that this is a better way to earn money. It seems as though today's young people don't have the same regard about sex that older generations do. My daughters are very non-judgemental about sex, and it surprises me sometimes when I hear their opinions.
Hang in there, there is lots of support on this site, you've come to a good place.

 

[danib]

i am new here my daughter is a prostitute,, i feel like am going nuts i looked all over for groups of other mothers coulnt find any found this today am a mess

 

[Lil]

I've been crying for the past 2 weeks and she don't know how this is killing me. How dose a mother deal with this?

i am new here my daughter is a prostitute,, i feel like am going nuts i looked all over for groups of other mothers coulnt find any found this today am a mess

Ladies, I'm glad you have found us, but sorry for your situation. You've posted at the end of a very old thread and will have better responses if you start a new one for yourselves.

Many people here will give you empathy and advice.