My kids' stepmom says she hates them.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Californiablonde, Dec 10, 2012.

  1. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I learned after the fact (YEARS after it began) just how ugly easy child's step mom was regarding me. She also was quite domineering (putting it mildly). She also represented herself, with my daughter present, as the bio mother (I too have full custody). easy child heard things she should never have heard. Now she never heard step say she hated her (That breaks my heart for your kids to hear that, thats terrible). But my easy child sure listened to how disappointing she was in her choices (when they weren't step's choices for her), listened to years of comments about how sad it must be for easy child to not have a mom who loves her, blah blah. I could go on, but it's so fresh following my latest court nightmare that lasted most of 2012, that its still hard for me. Suffice to say, I know the harm that type of thing does to children and I'm very sorry your kids have to deal with it. It isn't fair, and it isn't right.

    So lets see though, the facts. Dad would rather pay more support than pay less AND get a bonus of seeing his kids for holidays and for longer periods than weekends during summer off school. That is bass ackwards from most good fathers, who would see that as paying less money and getting more parenting time which should be for them a win-win. Your ex is cracked in the head, sadly your children suffer for it. I have some words I'd like to say about that ex of yours, but our censors here prevent me. Use your imagination, then expand to worse terms, and you might figure out what I'd like to say. Grrr.

    He also is married to a woman who, aside from the obvious line crossing of saying hateful things where your kid can hear them, obviously has no pleasure having your children in the home on visitation weekends. Despite your ex's constant threats and bullying and desire to keep you under his control through fear, his wife obviously is never going to willingly allow your ex to pursue full custody. This is all simply sick sick sick thinking and abuse on his part. I'm glad you are not in that relationship anymore romantically. I really think that you need to decide to opt out of the dynamic of the relationship that remains. Obviously you must have communication and it seems you handle discussion about schedules etc very well. I would like to suggest again, that you make a decision to look this mans threats straight in the eye, and call this piece of dungs bluff. I do think it's time. I think you are human, so fear is rational. Especially since at one stage you did have your kids living elsewhere. However, I beg you to stop seeing things through the lens of fear and your ex's control and hateful words. He WANTS you to think you paint a ugly parental picture to a family court, because this enables him to continue controlling you and your children through fear. You deserve better than that. And the most important thing to know, is he is FULL OF KOI!!! Absolutely FULL of it.

    Listen friend, I've been round the bend in family courts. I will play devils advocate here, on your side. Ignoring any garbage that he or a lawyer of his could throw out there, let's pretend I am your attorney and tasked with presenting your identity as "mother" to the court. Your honor, Miss XYZ is mother to two children ages (X & Y). She has been the full custodial parent for the lifetime of both children, with a exception in 19XY for a period of XY months. At that time, this mother was experiencing (insert your struggles). This mother used the time her children were not in her care to make the following steps to improve her own mental health and to ensure that upon the childrens return to her home full time, she was in a more secure position to parent them as she worked hard their entire lives to do, and wanted to be able to continue to do. The children returned to this mothers care on XYZ date and have remained with the mother for the past XY years since, and they are still in this mothers care today. Miss XYZ's former partner Mr. DungHeap, entered into a visitation arrangement through the court of every other weekend, reduced support for visitation over holidays if he so chooses. Mr husband has NOT at any point in the past XY period of years, ever seen these children for holidays or longer visitation during school breaks. He instead has opted to pay extra support in order to NOT have his children present for family holidays etc. Mr husband has seen the children for visitation, however frequently he requires the assistance of Miss XYZ in transportation for the children for visits, despite the current order mandating transportation being his responsability. Mr husband also has on frequent occassions, missed visits for weeks in a row, although at times he does take them for consecutive weekends to "make up" for lost time. While the children visit in Mr. husband's home, they often are spoken to in negative ways (Insert examples) about Miss XYZ. Mr husband's current wife Mrs DungHeap, is known to speak in negative ways about the childrens mother to them or in their hearing range, as well as having been overheard screaming at her husband that she hates his children. Mr husband does not participate in school meetings, IEP hearings for special needs, specialist appointments for behavior/mental health issues with the children. Miss XYZ is left to manage all of those issues on her own, often not only lacking invovlement of Mr. husband, but often also being subjected to rants from Mr. husband about how he doesnt "believe" official diagnosis from medical professionals that the children have issues that require treatment etc. Mr. husband has a long history of threatening Miss XYZ with family court every time she asserts herself as a parent and speaks up on important issues that need to be addressed. A favorite threat of Mr husband is that he will present my client as a bipolar mother, too unstable to care for these children. Today we are here to call his bluff and end this abusive treatment your honor. My client controls her mental illness, as do millions of other parents (single and otherwise) around the world and continues to be a good parent. Miss XYZ is actively involved with the supports in her kids schools as they attempt to find new approaches to help the children. Even when the kids refuse to attend school or create more problems in that environment, Miss XYZ continues to attempt to utilize programs and staff of the schools support, to improve her challenging childrens attendance. Miss XYZ is employed full time at XYZ school district in a position of (insert job title). Miss XYZ often cannot count on child support payments arriving in a timely fashion, yet Miss XYZ is still managing to keep bills paid, juggle medical costs and shuttling kids to appointments, hold down her respectable job, keep food on the table, and provide for her two children.

    I could go on here, but you get my drift????? Whose lenses are realllllly portraying you as a unfit parent? HIS HIS HIS HIS HIS. Which works for WHO? HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM. No judge is going to see it any way other than how it REALLY is. And how it REALLY is, is NOTHING like how your ex wants to paint the scene.

    I say its time to fuel your self confidence, and start believing in yourself and undoing years of the tapes in your head of your ex's voice hoping to make you underestimate all of the good in you, the mother in you. Start making some new tapes, TODAY. This is your ex's ONLY ammunition over you, and it can be ripped away in a fantastic moment where you just say "Whatever, I'm sick of it, file the dang papers because I'm sooooo ready to fill a judge in and stop your abusive games. PLEASE file. I'm ready. More than ready, as are our children". Better yet, send a certified letter from an attorney outlining all of these facts, and insisting that your ex STOP: list what MUST change.

    I cannot imagine living under that cloud so long as you have been. Liberate yourself and your kids from his tyranny. He really sounds rather pathetic and all bluster and no bite. If there is more substance to his parenting than outline here, that would change my idea here perhaps. Otherwise, I think the time has come and gone for you to stand up and stop taking this.
     
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Some of he descriptions you have given are the very reason that I have encouraged you to make notes at the time you see or hear things that could be damaging to your children. Keeping a dated record provides you with a tangible report that can be used in Court. "He said" and "she said" doesn't have any legal basis. It's seen as gossip and not a record of facts. Dated written records have credance and makes it easier on those with short term memory issues. All of us with our different personalities and experiences are trying to support you with no evil intent. Hugs DDD
     
  3. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Mattsmom, for validating me. I really needed to hear it. Really.
     
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Oh, i have so been in your shoes. Your best recourse is to maintain calm and peaceful at all times and keep all contact documented.

    My difficult child 'knows' what her stepmom put me through. Not by me saying anything either. Her stepmom said, "I am taking a family vacation, just MY family." Which meant my daughter was not going. So sad and hurtful. Worst part is she got into Dex's head too and he once told difficult child she was not welcomed in his home anymore. Oh how I could go on.

    It is a hard place to be in. Speak to your children about how different people can be. Even adults can be wrong. It was wrong of her to say that. You do not know if she meant it. They could ask her. Calm, always. And honest in an adult way....you know....without calling her the same names she calls you LOL!
     
  5. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    You're very welcome. I really look forward to a post one day where you update us all that you've made a game changing move in the game your ex chooses to force you and your kids to play. I will be here with party hats and noise makers and a glass of cyber bubbly. I've been where you are. So has my daughter been where your children are.

    I also forgot that I wanted to share something else with you. Although my easy child has never been a difficult child, she was withdrawn, anxiety ridden, depressed, emotionally detaching from me and my s/o and her brother (due to lies and mental games from bio dad and step mom), suicidal and the bond we shared when she was little had all but disappeared. I know that you need and deserve the weekends your kids go to their dads, especially because the relationships with your kids are volatile due to their own issues. I soooo get that from my now grown former difficult child was crazy making, and I lived for him spending weekends at his grandma's. I needed it for my sanity. But with my easy child, I was used to always having those weekends for me. I have never had a sitter, couldn't afford one anyhow,no family to step in and take them for a mom break etc. So this past June, when easy child stopped all visits to her dad, it was a true shock to all of our schedules and it took quite a while to adjust, for all of us. Then the greatest thing happened. Once the drama and upset and emotional harm to my easy child from her dad and step mom was eliminated, suddenly we were TALKING. And BONDING. And then laughing. And then grateful. Because we all had NO idea how damaging her father and step moms games were to easy child's psyche. Until it was removed from the equation. And now, although I still some days wish for a night alone with s/o, it isn't hard at all. It really stabilized my easy child's moods and emotions, and allowed our relationship to strengthen based on no interference, and she was so incredibly grateful that I stood firm with her dad and step mom at court in order to protect HER from their emotional damage. She began to see me as the mother I had always been, but who she doubted because of her dad and step moms lies. I have to wonder what IF your kids, on the weekends they don't want to go, are given the option by YOU to stay home WITH CONDITIONS. 1) Respect that you are a human being with your own needs, including down time from parenting 2) Give you space and be more independent on weekends 3) Get along with each other, no sibling bickering PERIOD 4) Must get along with each other and be responsible alone together if you go out on a date with your boyfriend, which you have every right to do and they are both old enough to be alone, if they can be responsible. This may affirm to them that they have some control over their relationship with their dad. As in, well dad, you allowed your wife to say xyz last weekend, and you made us feel xyz. So this weekend, we are staying home until we get an apology and promise of change. It may also help them to see that you DO get that he has control issues, but YOU aren't going to be controlled by him any longer either. But in order to incorporate this change, it is dependent on THEIR control of their own behaviors. Do to get. So tow the line with the rules of staying home on those weekends, or it won't happen again because they too need to know as their dad does, that life doesn't stop for their own wishes. I really think that you may over time see a real change in the behaviors toward you at home from your kiddos. It does serious untold amounts of harm to kids put in these positions as your ex puts them in. It also can't be easy to be forced to go, even though you do have a right to want and need time for yourself. To your kids, they may on one level get why you need down time, but may be logically resentful that it requires them to be somewhere they don't want to be, Know what I mean?? I really really really think that perhaps a negotiated "trial" with your kids might be a good route. I just sense in my gut that your home would feel so much more balanced with your kiddos by doing whatever it takes to stop this pain these kids are constantly getting when things go chaotic with their dad. It may also have the benefit (hopefully!!!) of your ex seeing you all stand firm, and realizing that you won't stop your kids from loving him and seeing him, but it is up to him to create a welcoming and loving environment that is healthy enough for them to WANT to spend time with him in. And if it doesn't have that affect on your ex, then obviously your kids get spared years more mental anguish and emotional harm that they don't deserve, not for all the down time in China.

    Sadly for us, easy child's dad walked out of her life this fall permanently, by his choice. It gutted easy child, and oh boy this is a struggle going into the holiday period. Even still, she knows she has set a trend to command healthy relationships based on love and truly good intentions. And she is learning nice and young to never ever settle for abusive treatment simply because its so difficult to picture losing someone. I also get your standpoint, even parents of easy child's need time alone, and I havent had a night without easy child since June, and that isn't changing anytime soon. Previously, until difficult child moved out last year, he spent two nights out of the home at a friends between age 12 and age 18. So even with easy child going alternating weekends, I NEVER had a free night. EVER. difficult child was home. And he was in a modified school program, so he at most was out of the house 2-3 hours per morning. He didn't even socialize outside the home with friends. And it was tough, boy sometimes it was REALLY tough. But it reaped its rewards with difficult child, and is now with my easy child. And I wouldn't go back and change it at all (although when easy child graduates and moves on to university, I may instantly move to a one bedroom to simply ensure a empty nest lol).

    I honestly see so much potential in your situation to turn this around for you and for your kiddos. I know for a fact that you can do it, and I believe your kids good qualities that you share here, demonstrate they too are capable, especially without having to navigate unhealthy situations by themselves when you can't be there to help them. I hope the new year gifts you with a brand new set of glasses to view your ex, and your strong base of argument for making a new path for you and your kids. Have I mentioned the word ABUSE enough in terms of your ex? He is also abusing your children with his behaviors. They are stuck leaving the navigating up to the adults. YOU however have absolute control over him controlling you and your kids. And I KNOW you are strong enough to just turn this whole mess on its head in one fell swoop, engage your kids participation in a way that enables them to be empowered, and come back a year down the line and say WHEW! Better late than never, but things are GREAT and I done GOOD.
     
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    CB as I said, I wasn't taking sides. I was just offering up a possible different view of what *might* have happened.

    I'm sorry your kids have such an unkind step mother and a dad who is as Mattsmom so eloquently put it "Mr. Dungheap" (love that by the way lol )

    Is there an age there when kids can opt out of visitation of the non custodial parent? Here it is like at age 12/13 or so I think. At least that would be an option for the kids rather than having to endure that nonsense, not to mention a big blow to ex's wallet since evidently visitation is linked to CS, which I don't understand the reasoning behind that but I guess they had a good one.

    Mattsmom made some awfully good points. I'd laugh at any threats ex makes. The man hasn't a leg to stand on. Just be sure to document document document.

    Hugs
     
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh, I was so hoping mattsmom would pop in....I figured you'd relate to her......so many of you have been thru this, it's amazing to me. We did some pretty jerry springer-ish kinds of things when my sister's ex was being a jerk (video cams catching him etc....would never have thought such ugliness would be out there)...anyway, hope you can take courage from those who have walked a similar path.....
     
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    CB, at least in the three states I have worked with child support, visitation has nothing to do with child support. They cannot base how much a father pays based on his visitation and a father's visitation cannot be based on whether or not he pays child support. In fact a father can get liberal child support and not even pay a dime. Child support is based on a state set calculator based both parents income.
     
  9. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Here in California it's based on income and on how much the other parent sees the children. There's even an online calculator to determine how much the parent sees the child. My ex, according to the calculator, sees my kids 13% of the time WHEN he sees them. IF yo think about it, it makes sense. The less my ex sees the kids, the higher my expenses are. For instance, in that month that he stopped seing them, I had a much higher food bill because I had to feed them every weekend. So at least in my state it does matter how much they see the kids.
     
  10. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Holy crap, this post is from 7 years ago! I was confused when I saw my name on this thread. I didn't even recognize it as something I ever wrote.