Ok, here it goes.
Tonight i almost hit my breaking point with anxiety. I feel so stressed out and guilty to even be at this place in my life and now i know its beyond self repair. It scares me to think of going anywhere short or long term but i know its come to it. My depression is so overwhelming at this stage. I feel guilty because my daughter is going through things herself and awaiting testing for behavioral issues and life struggles she is having. How can i go anywhere right now? But how can i stay and continue making it worse possibly. Now i see that i can not help her without first helping myself. My depression and anxiety are to the point where i am always tired, stressed, and have no drive what so ever left in me. I can not discipline or guide her in right direction at this point because I am so exhausted. I'm destroying both my kids if i don't get help. I feel if i continue to, "fake it to make it" I'm just adding fuel to the fire. I don't know how to reach out because i always feel judged. Everything i do is being judged by the ones who could do it, 'so much better'. I'm a wreck. My life is a wreck. How do i tell my kids ill be gone for a little while and its not their fault? How do i tell my daughter's dad who is so not understanding and loves to remind me all the time that i am not parenting right. He always reminds me how he doesnt have these problems on his ONE maybe occasionally two nights a week with her. I'm scared to leave her and she stay with him because he doesnt understand her. He's really hard on her. I truly believe he thinks her ADHD and ODD diagnosis is a copout for me. She is being tested for autism in a few weeks. He thinks i should pretend it's nothing until I'm told its either nothing or something. I don't know what to do about so much in my life right now. I want to stick around until she is on the right course with her medications and we find out what is going on with her. But after tonight I'm wondering if Thats the wrong thing. I almost had a panic attack tonight during one of her episodes. How do i help her if i am not up for the challenge at the moment. I'm so inconsistent with everything right now and i know its making things worse.
Thanks in advance for any advice and for taking the time to read my cries tonight. I am so glad i found this place. I for once do not feel so alone but also hate that others feel this way also.
Megs87
Tonight i almost hit my breaking point with anxiety. I feel so stressed out and guilty to even be at this place in my life and now i know its beyond self repair. It scares me to think of going anywhere short or long term but i know its come to it. My depression is so overwhelming at this stage. I feel guilty because my daughter is going through things herself and awaiting testing for behavioral issues and life struggles she is having. How can i go anywhere right now? But how can i stay and continue making it worse possibly. Now i see that i can not help her without first helping myself. My depression and anxiety are to the point where i am always tired, stressed, and have no drive what so ever left in me. I can not discipline or guide her in right direction at this point because I am so exhausted. I'm destroying both my kids if i don't get help. I feel if i continue to, "fake it to make it" I'm just adding fuel to the fire. I don't know how to reach out because i always feel judged. Everything i do is being judged by the ones who could do it, 'so much better'. I'm a wreck. My life is a wreck. How do i tell my kids ill be gone for a little while and its not their fault? How do i tell my daughter's dad who is so not understanding and loves to remind me all the time that i am not parenting right. He always reminds me how he doesnt have these problems on his ONE maybe occasionally two nights a week with her. I'm scared to leave her and she stay with him because he doesnt understand her. He's really hard on her. I truly believe he thinks her ADHD and ODD diagnosis is a copout for me. She is being tested for autism in a few weeks. He thinks i should pretend it's nothing until I'm told its either nothing or something. I don't know what to do about so much in my life right now. I want to stick around until she is on the right course with her medications and we find out what is going on with her. But after tonight I'm wondering if Thats the wrong thing. I almost had a panic attack tonight during one of her episodes. How do i help her if i am not up for the challenge at the moment. I'm so inconsistent with everything right now and i know its making things worse.
Thanks in advance for any advice and for taking the time to read my cries tonight. I am so glad i found this place. I for once do not feel so alone but also hate that others feel this way also.
Megs87